Why am I ashamed that I had to have WLS?

[ElyQuint 446]

My weight problem is so related to shame that i cannot relieve one without letting go of the other. I recommend youtubing brene browns ted talk on shame.

[future 6]

Thankyou hun, that was really helpful! Its shame that I'm feeling not guilt.. I think it would help telling people instead of alway Lying.. Its always going to be apart of my life, I'm in my mid 20's, dating is difficult & work events- when they go to

All you Can eat buffets.. Even the tea room when people say is that all your eating? But if they new, maybe they wouldn't say so much. My parents have a very negative view of over weight people, & perhaps I'm worried other people will

Have that opinion too. So have you addressed the shame?

[ElyQuint 446]

For me secrecy breeds shame. I have to pay close attention to anything I am hiding, especially if its edible. I confront my shame with honesty and exposure. If i kept my surgery a secret it would mean i felt i was making a bad decision or didnt deserve this chance and others would be able to poke holes in my deservingness. Its MY judgment I fear, not theirs. Im afraid they will discover that i am not worthy of this amazing tool. Confront the shame by refusing to protect it with secrecy.

[chrissythemoo 34]

Sadly for me, my extremely judgemental and downright nasty mother managed to find out and basically told anyone who would listen. However, I don't care who knows. I just look at this as another diet. But unlike weight watchers, I paid all the money up front. I have a hormone imbalance and had days where no matter how much I ate I would still be hungry. I simply did what I had to do to put things right and feel no shame at all. Me 1 - mommy dearest 0. Lol!

[futureloser 190]

I had my sleeve a year & a half ago. I've only told family & close friends. I was very embarrased about people's reactions & wanting to keep my personal life private.

I still have not chosen to tell work collegues... And now I wish I had upfront' date=' as it would have been so much easier.. I work in the healthcare industry and there are alot of people within my department. Doctors, nurses etc. I feel the guilt of living a lie and I feel ashamed of having to need help!

But this has given me my life back, I work hard everyday, I'm now physically active at the gym regularly, watching my eating, reading the packets of things, seein dietitians, personal trainers! I couldn't be in a better state of mind, but feel awful for Lying to people.

On a regular basis like most of you I have people asking me about my weight loss, saying I'm fading away, I look fabulous.. I don't know what to say..I say I excercise & eat well which is true, but the guilt eats me up inside because I hate lying..

And because I've kept it a secret for so long I wouldn't know how to tell them. And once you tell one person, everyone knows...that's over 100 people in my department plus the other departments once people start gossiping..

I'm sure they have their suspicions, but I was just so worried about their reactions.. I had previously heard some people say some nasty things about WLS and because I was initially unsure of my decision, I wasn't ready to let in any negative opinions.. I didn't come to my decision likely, like others I'd stuggled with different diets for years.. It took me one year to contemplate having the surgery..

It would have been easier had I of told people initially bc I returned back to work after 2 weeks post op, and was exausted.. My job is manual and on your feet. It is rare but there are some days I might go 6 hours without a break, Which nearly kills me sometimes, but I don't want people making exceptions for me either.

Just unsure what to do now, as I've left it so long, not sure how to tell people.. They may feel hurt I kept it from them.. But I hate the daily questions of people asking me about my weight loss, bc I feel its all a lie.. I want to feel proud when they congratulate me, instead I feel guilt bc I haven't told them the truth and i feel I am

Taking credit for something I didn't do entirely myself. I have worked my arse off & non of it has been easy, but I've always been someone that cares alot about other peoples opinions.

I know I am now strong enough to take on any negative opinions & I know I have prevented a future of cardiac problems, diabetes, high cholesterol, diabetes etc. I am

Happy with my decision, so why can't I just be open about it, Instead of feeling ashamed?[/quote']

We can all tell you not to feel guilty but you have to believe in yourself. If you want to start telling people, you don't have to make a world wide announcement. If someone now asks about how you stay thin or how you lost. Weight, just say what you have been saying and then add that you had WLS. If someone asks why you didn't say anything, say you weren't comfortable sharing at that time. But you don't owe it to anyone to "confess".

[future 6]

Thankyou for all the advice it's been very helpful

[LouiseC 1,029]

My weight problem is so related to shame that i cannot relieve one without letting go of the other. I recommend youtubing brene browns ted talk on shame.

I was just about to post this very same recommendation! I love Brene Brown, her books and TED talks are wonderful.

To the OP, letting others see you were not able to control this and that you needed help is more likely to reflect positively in how they think of you than negatively. We view our own vulnerability as a weakness and yet in others we view it as courage. When you are not afraid to seek help, not afraid to say you can't do something 'on your own' people respond positively. Yet somehow, we imagine the people who we care about will view us as somehow less than. They don't. They are more likely to view us as courageous.

Your husband is right, you have found what is potentially a solution to a problem you have had difficulty resolving. This is pretty much the approach I took and it has worked well for me. Really well.

Let go of the shame, and watch that TED talk :-D

[gamergirl 4,609]

I was just about to post this very same recommendation! I love Brene Brown' date=' her books and TED talks are wonderful.

To the OP, letting others see you were not able to control this and that you needed help is more likely to reflect positively in how they think of you than negatively. We view our own vulnerability as a weakness and yet in others we view it as courage. When you are not afraid to seek help, not afraid to say you can't do something 'on your own' people respond positively. Yet somehow, we imagine the people who we care about will view us as somehow less than. They don't. They are more likely to view us as courageous.

Your husband is right, you have found what is potentially a solution to a problem you have had difficulty resolving. This is pretty much the approach I took and it has worked well for me. Really well.

Let go of the shame, and watch that TED talk :-D[/quote']

I will definitely do that! you are absolutely correct, I never think of others who seek help as weak. I need to treat myself with the same love and understanding that I offer to others.

[CassieWNY 100]

Dr. Brene Brown's books (and videos) are inspiring and I believe these posters bring up some good points. We do not want you to feel shamed or embarrassed to have had this surgery.

I draw a distinction between feeling ashamed and sharing private medical information. There are certainly people who decide to keep information private about their surgery and they do not feel ashamed. Others choose the opposite.

I agree with working on the shame/embarrassment but I do not believe that the final outcome for everyone is the same. For some, it is a great relief to share this information. for others, it can be counterproductive.

I am so pleased to see that so many of us do share and want to share to make it easier for ourselves (and others who are considering the surgery). Saying that, I do not believe that it is an absolute. You can decide to be private and still not be ashamed.

Each person needs to decide what is best for them to demonstrate vulnerability. To some, medical information is private and confidential. To others, it is something that can and should be shared for a variety of good and positive reasons.

Daring Greatly is a good read.

[gamergirl 4,609]

I a

I draw a distinction between feeling ashamed and sharing private medical information. There are certainly people who decide to keep information private about their surgery and they do not feel ashamed. Others choose the opposite.

This is where I am at as well. I want to separate the decision to share or not, from not sharing because I'm ashamed of it. Work in progress

This thread has been very helpful. First, I had to admit that I had a big mental problem. Second, I saw that I was not the only one, and that many of us struggle. Third, I saw that some people had overcome it. And Fourth, I saw where I want to be, which is on the healthy side of this struggle.

I hadn't realized how much feelings of shame and failure had colored my life because I don't typically associate those words with me. Having to acknowledge that was a huge, huge task. Doing it in front of people on a forum? Priceless

[newcocoame 54]

I completely understand how you feel. I have not had my surgery yet (hoping dec)' date=' but have decided to keep it to myself. If someone notices and says something, I will say "thank you, I feel good", and continue on my way. If someone becomes persistent about how I did it, I will not lie but say, high Protein, little carbs (truth yes??).

No one has asked me how I gained weight so surely it isn't anyone's business how I lost it.

Just my thoughts & opinion.

[/quote']

Yesssss!!! NO one cared or offered a million questions about gaining weight so I am not answering questions about how I loss weight. Honestly, they can kick rocks. WE know what it is like to be bigger and uncomfortable plus the fat jokes. I flaunt it now and I will flaunt after surgery. Lol!

[ElyQuint 446]

I was just about to post this very same recommendation! I love Brene Brown' date=' her books and TED talks are wonderful.

To the OP, letting others see you were not able to control this and that you needed help is more likely to reflect positively in how they think of you than negatively. We view our own vulnerability as a weakness and yet in others we view it as courage. When you are not afraid to seek help, not afraid to say you can't do something 'on your own' people respond positively. Yet somehow, we imagine the people who we care about will view us as somehow less than. They don't. They are more likely to view us as courageous.

Your husband is right, you have found what is potentially a solution to a problem you have had difficulty resolving. This is pretty much the approach I took and it has worked well for me. Really well.

Let go of the shame, and watch that TED talk :-D[/quote']

I like to watch/listen to at least one health supportive speaker daily because it adds to my mental tool box.

There are many personal health issues i choose to keep private simply because no one else needs to know. It aint there business.

Its certainly a personal decision, or should be. For me, anything food related needs light. Otherwise its another bag of combos in the glove compartment. Lol. Also, I want to Celebrate this one! Out loud. Especially in front of the judgers!

[Ballermom 803]

I refuse to justify my decisions about my life to anyone. However' date=' that being said, I elected to tell people in my time in my priority order. This decision was reached by me for medical reasons. In my case I had a post surgical incisional hernia, that could not be repaired and kept repaired, without loosing the excess weight that placed so much pressure on the sutures. I was older (56) and looking a DM (latent diabetes runs in both my mom and my dad's families) and higher BP, in my not so distant future. I did my research and shared it with my partner (who I had a hard time explaining how I knew I could no long do anything that would improve my weight any longer). I scheduled the appt. with a local surgeon and within minutes, he was able to confirm what I already knew in my heart, I needed surgery to fix what was wrong with me. It was not a moral issue, but a medical one. Your insurance knows this, or they wouldn't pay for this medical procedure, if it was something that was only a result of bad choices or esthetics. Ask them if they paid for it because your are bad, lazy, or otherwise guilty of self neglect? I agree that it is a pay it forward kind of move to show that this surgery is there for those that need it, and that it does work if you do your part to use the WLS as a tool to recovery of health. Surgery is only a very small part of the process, when you get right down to it. If you have the surgery and you don't do the "hard yards" post surgery, you will not reap the benefits that the surgery makes possible for you. Lastly, I found I needed & wanted others support and others watching my progress. It helped keep me motivated and honest. I hope this helps in some some way. I am sure you will do just fine. Bottom line tell who you want, what you want to tell them, when/if you want to tell them. This is a very selfish process, we did it for ourselves and our health. That's sure a good enough reason in my opinion. Stay strong and be well.

Karen[/quote']

I really like what you said and I couldn't have said it any better.

[neneh_vsg 44]

I just came across one of your posts about slow losses and it's got me thinking about how I want to approach this journey. Do I want to hit the finish line as fast as possible by doing whatever it takes?

Or am I willing to admit that this is the rest of my life' date=' and what I need to do now, is start living it today as I mean to go on? (I mean, not literally today, I don't want to drink shakes and Soup for the rest of my life but you know...)

I'm leaning to living it as I mean to go on. Historically, I've given up everything else to lose the weight, stopped eating certain things, exercised like a fiend...and then when I go back to my regular life and moderation, it all comes back on and brings several more of its friends.

Maybe it's okay if it takes longer, but builds in me, sustainable habits. Maybe I will use that time to get my head in the right place, about long-term maintenance, about how many of society's bad views about fat people I have internalized, that I may need to let go of in the next few months.[/quote']

This is exactly where I've arrived, 9 weeks out. I'm pretending as if I'm already at maintenance and working on my "forever" behaviors and attitude. My professional training is behavior change -- physician, heal thyself -- and baby steps and moderation is more sustainable for most people than immediate, 180 degree change. Like you, I'm fine if my loss is slow (and it has been) because I'm bulding a strong physical, behavioral, and emotional foundation for long-term weight loss.

[gamergirl 4,609]

This is exactly where I've arrived' date=' 9 weeks out. I'm pretending as if I'm already at maintenance and working on my "forever" behaviors and attitude. My professional training is behavior change -- physician, heal thyself -- and baby steps and moderation is more sustainable for most people than immediate, 180 degree change. Like you, I'm fine if my loss is slow (and it has been) because I'm bulding a strong physical, behavioral, and emotional foundation for long-term weight loss.

[/quote']

I so agree! Our "real"'selves are fairly well established. We can learn new habits, but we can't suddenly change everything overnight and we definitely can't suddenly re-form ourselves (or reform ourselves for that matter )

I think of it as shaping behavior when you train animals. Reward yourself for every small step that takes you toward the right direction.

I'm trying hard to be mindful and grateful for every victory.