I need to get this out of my system.....

[j_war06 0]

Okay, so I wanted to write this on my myspace blog, but Im sure that all my friends on there are sick and tired of hearing me obesess about my weight. I have a few scattered thoughts, see if you can follow them, I want to type and discuss them randomly.

First of all, I have a question......Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible, yet when you are thinner and have lost weight, everyone notices you. Suddenly you are noticed and seem to be glowing as opposed to being invisible. I am not understanding why you cant be treated like a normal person. Cant they not talk to you to your face and talk about your weight behind your back at the same time?? Hmmm something ponder...

Second of all, Why am I such a slow loser. I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me....I want to wake up thin......I eat all I can during the day, yet it still isnt much.

Third, Things just dont seem to go my way often. I feel so unimportant most of the time, like my opinion and my thoughts do not matter. I get so pissed when I am discriminated against, I am not as much as I used to be, but I still deal with it evey now and then.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy. Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Also,

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back. Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything. I never have because it hurt me so bad growing up, but seems like lately people have been throwing it around like they dont care that I dont like it. There are certain words ppl I know do not like, therefore I do not use them around them, yet they do not have the courtesy towards me, I got a little upset about this the other night. If that word would have been used one more time, I would have left the party. Im sorry I will not put up with that word. period.

I am way too obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose about 60-70 more pounds before I am the size I want to be. I am still the big girl in all the groups I hang with, and I dont like that. I want to be the girl that guys single out to flaunt over, I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

Lastly, I need a fill doctor in Corpus Christi, my doctor is 7 hours away and refused to see me before I had to go back to school, therefore I am stranded with an empty band, and cravings. I dont eat a lot just really high calorie stuff, which I can control, but the band helps soooo much. I mean I paid $15,000 for this, I want to use it. I cant find any, I found one in San Antonio, but its $200 plus a tank of gas ($50) to go. If I go here it I want to pay about $100, which is what I was paying at Dr. Spiegels.

I dunno, I still have some sort of strange feeling inside of me right now, but I dunno what it is, so I may come back and edit this and add whatever it is later.....I know that I just had a another random thought. Why is it that the people who are just born lucky and do all the wrong things, still get everything they could ever want or need? When I feel like I am pretty, but I am big, so therefore I apparently have bad luck, have to struggle for anything I want and/or need. If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want...................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

[beachgirl 2]

I think what your feeling is sooooooooooo the truth. I notice people doing the very same thing since I've gotten smaller. I don't have the answer but I know what your going through is very real but I can send you a big hug and tell you to keep your chin up. Your weight loss may be slow, but mine too has slowed down and just look on the bright side, you won't have as much excess skin. Just hang in there. HUGS

[sophrosyne 0]

When people are very large, they project a "don't look at me, I'm not here, don't call attention to myself, let me just get through this day" vibe. So you tend to not want to make them feel even more uncomfortable by calling attention to them.

When they lose weight (especially a large amount), their attitude changes. Instead of hiding, they project a "look at me, notice me, compliment me" vibe. They glow. Literally. They look like they feel good about themselves, and they want to be noticed and complimented.

Then there are the large people who have personalities the size of their waistlines (god bless them), and when they walk in a room, they practically demand attention. They take over the room and everyone likes them and pays attention to them, and it doesn't matter about their weight. They're divas large, and they'll be divas small.

You get back what you project out. It's all about attitude. :huggie:

PPS: Just a guess about the gay guys, but I would guess that gay guys love you because you're more yourself with them. But with straight guys, you get a little nervous, maybe a little defensive, start second guessing yourself. Act around straight guys the way you act around gay guys, and you might be surprised at the results.

PS: How come my smiley faces all come out blue? It's just odd.

[Wheetsin 714]

Why is it, that when you are the biggest person in the room, no one sees you or acknowledges you....Its just like being invisible

I never felt this, because I always felt like people were looking at me - and I DON'T mean in a good way. I felt so fat as to be near inhuman, and when I walked in a room I just knew everyone was looking at me, amazed that anyone could get that big. I WISH I could have felt invisible.

I want to cry when I see how great you guys are doing, getting to eat all this stuff I cant, and losing 3 times as much weight as me..

How much weight did you have to lose? Remember that a decent number of people here (myself included in that) had a LOT of weight to lose. So yeah, maybe I lost 100 lbs in 6 months, but I had 200 to lose. If you only had 80 or 90 lbs to lose, your body just isn't going to want to give it all up in the same time that my body gave up 100.

Fourth, Why are gay guys in love with me, but straight guys wont hit on me unless ofcourse they are 20 years older than me and/or very creepy.

Gay guys love you in the same sense as a straight guy would hit on you? I'm not following. :huggie:

Yet I have a friend that looks like a MAN! Im serious, I thought she was in gender transition when I met her! She is a big girl (and I know she lies about her weight to me btw) and she gets hit on ALLLLLLL the time, gets cute guys, boyfriends. She doesnt put out easily or anything, I just dont get it. Shes overall a BITCH (pardon my language) yet she still gets the guys in the end, and all I am left with are the gay guys, whom I love SOOOOO MUCH, but they cant offer me what a real relationship will.

Well, how do you present yourself? Presentation is a lot of attraction. Have you ever seen someone walking by, and it just looks like more and more of their self-esteem is oozing out with each step? I'm not saying that's you, but take that picture compared to someone who walks with their held high, and exudes confidence, and has "presence". Regardless of physical beauty, if someone doesn't feel good, they don't look that good. Whereas if an uglier person feels great, they'll look better.

I feel like I cant trust anyone, I am still a very paraniod person. I always think people are talking about me behind my back.

A good rule, honestly, is that if you feel like people are talking about you behind your back, they probably are. Truly.

Even people whomk I consider friends, because I was burned so bad growing up by people I never would have thought would talk about me like that. They dont realize what is hurtful to others I suppose.

These things hurt us, and take a lot of time to get over. And it's amazing ho quickly one little incident can tear down years' worth of recovery.

Another thing thats on my mind.....WHY DO BIG PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OTHER BIG PEOPLE! We need to band together (no pun intended). I just dont understand how a very large person can judge someone else......

That's human nature. People are competitive. People sometimes feel better about themselves if they can make someone else feel bad, or smaller. I dont' agree that we should necessarily band together (this is being discussed in another thread), but I can say that now, having been fat, I will never see other fat people in the same way I saw them when I was thin.

Also, I cant stand the F word (That is "fat" btw). I have been called that my entire life. I hate that word, I never use it to describe anyone or anything.

Oops, sorry! Disregard my last message. I use it because - well, that's what we are. And I'm not one to get all PC about things. I don't use it in a mean spirited way

I want my skinny friends to feel the way I do most of the time (they are all gaining the freshman 15 lol)

It seems like most of the time you feel sad and alone. Why would you wish that on your friends?

If you are born pretty, thin, and into at least a middle class or really upper-middle class family you are able to be considered PERFECT, anything you want.

No, that's not true. I was a cute kid (don't know what happened!), and thin, and except for the first few years of my life my parents were upper-middle class. And I was NEVER perfect. It doesn't matter how "perfect" you are, there's always something wrong. When I was a normal weight kid I was teased because of my red hair. Now that I'm married I get teased because of my horrendous last name.

And if you're born thin, that's a bad thing. No one should ..................I dunno I am just having really jealous feelings towards thin girls lately, like I just want to claw their eyes out........Especially when I see them eating pizza, chocolate, chips, and candy, Dr. Peppers like crazy....AHHHHHH makes me want to SCREAM!

And one of the bes tthings you can do is get that out, so continue to post, and I'll try not to say "fat" if I reply. :tape2:

[maudeispam 2]

Honey hold your head high and carry yourself like you are a size 2 or whatever size you are dreaming of being. Obviously dont go buy a bikini or anything silly till you get where you want to be, but be proud of who you are. You have a loving soul and a wonderful sense of humor and have an ALOT to share with many people. It took me till the age of 30 to find Mr. Right and he was three states away! But boy I wouldn't trade him for anything. He accepted me for the (327lb) 5ft 2in woman I was, and said he will love me no matter how big or little I get! He told me several times that to him I look like a super model. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Get out, find your groove, volunteer, go to church and live life to the fullest! Do things you love to do and it will all fall in place. Best of luck, were all cheering for you. You Sexy Thang!

[j_war06 0]

I do, I carry myself well. Ive tried everything in the world. I feel like the "Who" in "Horton Hears a Who", No matter how much I yell, and scream, and clatter, and clash (figuratively speaking ofcourse) I dont get noticed. There is always someone better. See I have always held my head up high, especially since Ive gone to college. I dont care, there are 300,000 ppl in this city so wat if 10, or hell, 100 of them dont like me or even more! Its just the fact that Ive tried different things with different ppl. Ive tried snobby stuck up bitch mode (Which works for lots of girls), Ive tried really nice big girl, Ive tried being the comedian, Ive tried speaking out, Ive been outgoing.....But Im not just one of these things, I am in reality a combination of all of them, almost weighing equally....Yet none of them in moderation nor extreme gets me noticed. Professors dont even hear me, even when I speak loudly (im naturally loud) I am by no means in any way shy at all. I am always myself, no matter who I am around, although I respect them enough to not say things around them, or do things around them, or talk about certain things when I am with them. The gay guys always buy me drinks at bars and clubs and tell me how great my hair is, how pretty I am, how my boobs look good in that shirt, or if my ass looks good whatever......Its like I need to be a gay man to get anyone! lol! I grew up in a small town, probably everyone I am "friends" with now from there (I only see them every 2-3 months or so), talked badly about me behind my back and to my face growing up, but I have put the past behind me and I hang out with them when they call me. I didnt beg to be their friend, they came to me. No, they have never apologized, but I accept their hospitality. EVEN in my family I feel invisible, I am the first one to go to college, yet they could care less what I am doing with my life. I swear I could be homeless and the only people that would care would be my parents. They dont even come see me when I am in, I end up going and seeing them the day before I leave to go back to college.....If I talk about college, they just cover my voice with another conversation. People tend to ignore anything coming from my mouth, they just start another completely off-topic situation over the sound of my voice. I want to be looked at, I mean I look like (clothes and makeup, style-wise) and short chunky Paris Hilton most of the time. Designer shoes, handbag, make-up, nice clothes (I never ever wear t-shirts unless I have them dressed up with other shirts layered), I never wear sneakers, ever. I wear heels when Im not walking to class. My nails and toes are perfectly manicured and pedicured. I have long blond hair (natural) and its always in a updo, straightened, or curled with a curling Iron. Yet I still introduce myself to ppl around me, and Im not too nice, I never want to be seen as fake, after meeting someone. I just feel like I dont matter, whats the point in getting all dolled up, if no one cares.

ps. I tried the whole dress down look, doesnt work either......Im just invisible

[Ariel 1]

Jodie, man i feel ya. I am also in college and there are only about 5 overweight people on campus. I also feel invisable when i walk around campus and it basically just stinks. But you know what when i go back this semester i will be secretly be smiling to myself because i have a secret weapon. I can change what others precieve as "unactractive" but they can't ( sorry about the spelling/typos I'm so tired)

[Wheetsin 714]

Do you think you could be projecting your feelings onto other people, and attributing things to them they aren't really doing? It's something people do very frequently, and they're rarely aware of it. You've already said you feel invisible, and now you're saying tohers think you're invisible (e.g. profressors not hearing you). Do they really not hear you, or do they not give you the type of attention/response you're hoping to get? Have you tried talking with them about it?

[j_war06 0]

No, I have gotten to where I really dont contribute, unless I REALLY know what I am talking about, its important to state, and I feel strongly about the subject. I doubt they would care anyway. Ive had one professor give me the time of day, and thats only because I was the ONLY person who understood Oedipus Rex, the only one that had read it and could explain it at all....My Theatre class was full of people who didnt really care to be there, so I was the only one that knew ANYTHING about Theatre....In fact I knew so much I was told that I didnt have to come to class if I didnt want to at all. I still made a B. He forgot omit me from the quizzes, but it wouldnt be fair for me to make an A, so I didnt say anything. Others make me feel invisible, no matter what Im nothing but a little "who" in their ears. Every now and then a "Horton" comes along and listens to me. Someday I want to be a Somebody, I want to be heard, I want people to listen, and engage in conversation......I speak loudly and they just talk over me or just walk off, whatever. Tonight I was told by one of my friends to go "over there" (meaning away for a minute) while she and a guy she likes talked (which is fine by all means) but I walked over to my other friends and they told me to go back "over there" because they were speaking privately, so Im like a loner boner out there, standing between two conversations, equally distanced, so not to over hear either one. I dunno, atleast they acknowledged my prescense. I didnt mind, I understand private conversations, I would rather someone tell me to walk off for a minute, than them whisper right in front of me, because then I would get paranoid. I dunno, Im going to drown my recently renewed sense of depression (Ill probably be pretty much fine tomorrow, besides pissed about being invisible that sort of thing). Im not going to cry myself to sleep or anything, I dont cry anyway. I can probably count how many times Ive cried since I was a baby (and even then it wasnt often) on my hands. I really have no emotion left, and its due to society. My best friend here thinks my heart is black lol! Im not mean to anyone, if anything Im too nice, even to my enemies.....however I have no sympathy for others because I have gone through so much without any emotion or help from others, and I have made it out alive, and I am a strong person for the most part. I have never had anyone sit down and actually talk to me, except my ex-boyfriend. He still listens to me, we have real conversations still! He is the only person who cares. who has ever cared, in real life. I dunno what I would do without you guys, you at least acknowledge what I say, even if you disagree.....maybe if we were to engage in face-to-face conversation it may be different, but here I feel recognized........I just wish I could have a life like the skinny, pretty girls I went to HS with. They have everything!

[Wheetsin 714]

Understand that since I don't know you, all I can give you are my impressions. That said, it seems like you're attributing a lot of things to your weight that may be coming from somewhere else. Your professors, for instance. I've *never* known a professor to discount someone because they are overweight. And that's during 8 years in college, in 3 different colleges and two different states, and 5 years in graduate school in two different universities in two different states. I was overweight for most of that time, and certainly had some MO and super MO classmates.

When your weight is what bothers you the most, it's easy to say that it's the cause of other problems. Honestly, people do it all the time. But just maybe there's something else going on. Sometimes you can be so used to blaing your weight for thigns that it becomes ingrained as a cause.

[barbara465 2]

May I gently suggest you visit the campus counseling center? It appears that you are experiencing several issues and would benefit from some 3rd party dialogue. Not all problems can be attributed to weight and some sound like products of your childhood and environment.

I must say that if I had two sets of friends, who both told me to leave for a few minutes, I would be getting a new set of friends. That didn't make sense to me at all. Are you loud and overbearing when you are around your friends? Must you be the center of attention to feel noticed? Just asking and not trying to put you on the defensive. Just trying to understand why both groups of friends would ask you to leave for a few minutes.

I hear your pain and feel for you. I've been heavy all my life, now 60, so I had to make my own way in a thin world. I've learned to adapt. My one thing is that I could do anything fat as others do "normal" size. That is not to say that I haven't had issues with being heavy, or not many dates, or peer pressures, etc. I just let them be "their" issues. I've never put my life on hold until I lost weight. I still don't do that. I am now realizing that I also portrayed a lot of anger. I was intimating in business and thought of as a "tough" negotiater. Looking back I could have had the same results in a kinder, gentler way. I am working on that.

Good luck to you Jodie. Please go talk to someone. We want to help, but its hard to do so online.

[Victoriana 10]

Dear Jodie, there was a time in my life that was so similar, every relationship I had ended up in the I give and you take syndrome. I even wondered if there wasnt a sign on my forehead that said USE ME.

I had about 3 years of this and went to a counselor for depression.

Without understanding how, I was teaching people to treat me like that. It was so subtle, allmost unbelievable to me. My assignment which was so painfull, was to walk around looking at everyone, even strangers to make eye contact and already be smiling at them as if I knew a great secret. Most people that made eye contact, quickly diverted their look or did a doubletake. I was to nod and say just a hi or a nod of the head to acknowledge them, and just continue what ever it was that I was doing. I was amazed that so many people, especially the older generation quickly responded with kindness of some sort. Older men opened the door and held it, older women said things like "good morning dear". Grocery clerks asked "find everything you needed?" This encouraged me to continue.

It wasnt long before a "friend" at work wanted to know if I was in a new love relationship. Of course I said no but I wondered why and asked. She said that no one smiles like that without getting a lot of good ... anyway I began to see changes and most of the people that were casual relationships, then the closer relationships took on a sort of calm.

What the counselor taught me was that when I valued myself enough without needing anything from others, (confidence) peaple felt at ease around me. Most people are under so much stress anymore that even the slightest friendships that feel any sort of need in them become strained.

Of course, I still needed a lot of approval, but I was learning to approve myself first.

I was fortunate to develope that habit of projecting comfort. I still had a lot of jerks in my life but they didnt effect me as much.

Soon after that I began making meaningfull relationships. Deep friendships. Just a few, but nice friends that I could share with. I still had to be carefull to include genuine concern for their needs too.

Im not saying the you are demanding or hi maintenence. There is however an ability to project a persona that we are unaware of projecting. I wanted you to know that I was hi maintenece without knowing it, all I really wanted was to be cared for and I kind of gave people the ability or power to reject me. and they did!

If you need help, I did, even medication for a season, like I did, there is no shame in reaching out for it. This forum is a good starting place, but no real substitute for face to face friendship. You are on a new path, taking care of yourself.

I hope you can be patient about loosing, It will happen, even if slowly, and I know that bandsters that loose quickly are just as common as the slow loosers.

Try to look at the reasons that slow loosing is a good thing.

You are not gaining,

Your skin will not sag as bad when you loose slowly,

Your body compresses nicely.

Your hair wont fall out as easily as when you loose quickly,

Your organs like the kidneys and gall bladder arent strained as much.

You will probabley learn a lot about yourself, like why eating a big bite of pizza is so important or rewarding.

I think you are giving other people too much power in your life. You are the prize and not every one wins it, You sound like a very deep and understanding person when it comes to others. I just think that the feeling that is wierd inside is that missing element of really believing that you are the treasure that WILL be discovered by the people that really matter.

I see so much of myself in your post, really, and I think you have the ability to analyze details more readily than most. If you give all the details equal importance, its overwhelming. I think you are learning to sort these details out and giving priority to the important ones. Its all a process, and your gonna make it, Im glad you feel free to just get it out and pick through all this later, thats a good strategy.

BTW. I still revisit the feelings of being invisible, It just doesnt have the sting it once had, and move on.

[j_war06 0]

Understand that since I don't know you, all I can give you are my impressions. That said, it seems like you're attributing a lot of things to your weight that may be coming from somewhere else. Your professors, for instance. I've *never* known a professor to discount someone because they are overweight. And that's during 8 years in college, in 3 different colleges and two different states, and 5 years in graduate school in two different universities in two different states. I was overweight for most of that time, and certainly had some MO and super MO classmates.

When your weight is what bothers you the most, it's easy to say that it's the cause of other problems. Honestly, people do it all the time. But just maybe there's something else going on. Sometimes you can be so used to blaing your weight for thigns that it becomes ingrained as a cause.

Actually, just last night i had a professor comment on one of the girls in my classes weight. She had taken him in a previous semester. She walked in late and the worst thing in the world happened, he said "Hello Ms. Ramos, glad to see your holidays went well, I see you drank a lot of alcohol and ate plenty of holiday food." OMG I could have died because I weigh a good 60 lbs more than she does, so I automatically began to think, "What is he gonna say about me?" I need this class, there is no dropping it. Also, my college doesnt have too many big girls, and if they do, they are just that, big girls, not obese or MO or anything. A little overweight or just plain overweight, mostly all under 200lbs. You dont see many that are obese or MO, I think I have seen like 3 or 4 MO, and a little more than that obese all year. ITS very discriminatory in my classes, the way you look. I am blond hair green eyed, "fat" girl. you know God wasted his time on my looks because he put me in a horrible body! Im not ugly by far, I know that, not to sound cocky, but I wanted you guys to know that I dont think that. Ive always been told how it was a waste for me to be so pretty and be so big. I sit in my classes, I am the ONLY blond! PERIOD! The only one out of 30-50 people, ONE BLOND. That is this semester, there were a few more last semester. I get it for that. However if I was Blonde and Thin, think of all the attention I would get in that field. No I dont have to be the center of attention, mainly because I dont know what that feels like, so I guess not. Im not loud and overbearing whatsoever, remember, they apparently dont hear me speaking. I was asked to leave conversation A, because it did not have anything to do with me, a friend of mine was trying to talk to a boy she liked and vise versa, I had no place in that conversation, it was definately a 2 person relationship. The other one I had no business in because it was the guy's best friend and my friend, and they were discussing something private between those two....it was none of my business whatsoever.....just felt weird, although i had no place in either conversation. I miss all the attention i got from going to the club....I dont go any more because of some drama, and school started back. Im probably going tomorro night tho. I love the way the gay guys compliment me and pay attention to me! Give me stuff and be so nice to me. The girls there dont even hit on me, they know I am straight, and they arent all judgemental on my weight NeWay. I feel comfortable there, hell i practically work there lol! I just want to find that one special guy that can soften my heart. Put up with my crazy antics. Listen to what I say. But put me in my place when I am wrong. A real man will stand up to me, but not be mean or rude, just stand up for themselves. I dunno??? I cant afford counseling by the way, my psychiatrist lives about 8-9 hours away and shes the only one I could ever trust with my head....Not to mention we cant afford it anymore anyways. Guys Im not depressed, i have a good time, i am happy with life, i just wish i was happier with life.....

[j_war06 0]

Dear Jodie, there was a time in my life that was so similar, every relationship I had ended up in the I give and you take syndrome. I even wondered if there wasnt a sign on my forehead that said USE ME.

I had about 3 years of this and went to a counselor for depression.

Without understanding how, I was teaching people to treat me like that. It was so subtle, allmost unbelievable to me. My assignment which was so painfull, was to walk around looking at everyone, even strangers to make eye contact and already be smiling at them as if I knew a great secret. Most people that made eye contact, quickly diverted their look or did a doubletake. I was to nod and say just a hi or a nod of the head to acknowledge them, and just continue what ever it was that I was doing. I was amazed that so many people, especially the older generation quickly responded with kindness of some sort. Older men opened the door and held it, older women said things like "good morning dear". Grocery clerks asked "find everything you needed?" This encouraged me to continue.

It wasnt long before a "friend" at work wanted to know if I was in a new love relationship. Of course I said no but I wondered why and asked. She said that no one smiles like that without getting a lot of good ... anyway I began to see changes and most of the people that were casual relationships, then the closer relationships took on a sort of calm.

What the counselor taught me was that when I valued myself enough without needing anything from others, (confidence) peaple felt at ease around me. Most people are under so much stress anymore that even the slightest friendships that feel any sort of need in them become strained.

Of course, I still needed a lot of approval, but I was learning to approve myself first.

I was fortunate to develope that habit of projecting comfort. I still had a lot of jerks in my life but they didnt effect me as much.

Soon after that I began making meaningfull relationships. Deep friendships. Just a few, but nice friends that I could share with. I still had to be carefull to include genuine concern for their needs too.

Im not saying the you are demanding or hi maintenence. There is however an ability to project a persona that we are unaware of projecting. I wanted you to know that I was hi maintenece without knowing it, all I really wanted was to be cared for and I kind of gave people the ability or power to reject me. and they did!

If you need help, I did, even medication for a season, like I did, there is no shame in reaching out for it. This forum is a good starting place, but no real substitute for face to face friendship. You are on a new path, taking care of yourself.

I hope you can be patient about loosing, It will happen, even if slowly, and I know that bandsters that loose quickly are just as common as the slow loosers.

Try to look at the reasons that slow loosing is a good thing.

You are not gaining,

Your skin will not sag as bad when you loose slowly,

Your body compresses nicely.

Your hair wont fall out as easily as when you loose quickly,

Your organs like the kidneys and gall bladder arent strained as much.

You will probabley learn a lot about yourself, like why eating a big bite of pizza is so important or rewarding.

I think you are giving other people too much power in your life. You are the prize and not every one wins it, You sound like a very deep and understanding person when it comes to others. I just think that the feeling that is wierd inside is that missing element of really believing that you are the treasure that WILL be discovered by the people that really matter.

I see so much of myself in your post, really, and I think you have the ability to analyze details more readily than most. If you give all the details equal importance, its overwhelming. I think you are learning to sort these details out and giving priority to the important ones. Its all a process, and your gonna make it, Im glad you feel free to just get it out and pick through all this later, thats a good strategy.

BTW. I still revisit the feelings of being invisible, It just doesnt have the sting it once had, and move on.

Ive been seeing a professional for 3 years...and shes wonderful, but I cant see her now because I moved away, plus all the money for that ran out. I used up all my dad's savings on medical bills. See I was a seriously depressed person growing up. As a kid as young as 1st or 2nd grade, I was wanting to commit suicide. I wanted to die, because of all the torment i went through as a child from my peers and from other adults, family members etc....Ive attempted suicide countless times, tried drowning twice, tried overdosing (which it is a wonder I am still here), poisoning, and crashing my own car on purpose. Also I was a cutter. I had cuts on my arms, hands, legs, thighs, abdoman, and if I ran out of places, even my private area, just to get the pain to focus somewhere else besides on the inside. I would take different chemicals and rub them into the wounds to make the worse too, so they would hurt more. So basically, Im doing a whole lot better. Im no longer on medication, i cant take pills any more because of the surgery (i dont care my Dr. said no pills for me). I dont know I just need to buck up and get over it I suppose. I remember my past though, and its hard to let go of something like that. Something that hurt so bad, something that messed you up so bad inside that you wanted to die. I was on meds for about 4 years (all through high school) but all I used them for was to get high or try to OD. Then I became responsible with them when I started seeing my therapist. In case you guys didnt know, when I started seeing the psychiatriast I had a few symptoms of MPD and a few symptoms of a little bit of Schizophrenia (not a lot or anything, just a little bit), plus I am a major OCD. Its funny how my friends dont know this, and hardly ever notice, especially my OCD. Im not saying I have the previous 2, Im saying I exhibited symptoms of those two, but now I rarely have an MPD moment, and no more Schizo for the most part. Its contained now, it could have gotten worse, but my parents finally looked under my jeans and long sleeved shirt i always wore, and found the marks. By that time I looked like a Blood Tiger or something. It was time to get some help. It scares me of what would have happened had I not gone to see my doctor.

[Poodles 0]

Have you ever heard of a chubby-chaser? There are men out there that like "real" women. I found one, he is sitting on my couch right now. I don't worry about the thin ones with him, it is the chubbo's that he likes... like me.

That being said, if I did not speak to him, we would not be married. Quite literally, I met him at a Burger King. We were both in line, and I started talking to him. Then we sat down together and have been together 13 years now. He never would have asked me out if I had not started the conversation. That was when I was 260 lbs.

Back in HS, when I was a size 10 I never had any problems with men approaching me, but they did not see me... they saw the body not the mind.

Now I know, my chubby chaser husband did the same thing, but I don't have to worry about my weight with him.

As for the mental issues, who does not have them? I swear there is no such thing as normal, just varied degrees of weird. If my bi-polar sister could find a man... I am sure you can.

There is someone out there for everyone. May not be at your school, or at your local Burger King, but they are out there. Ever thought of an online site? Church group?

Or maybe, you should focus on you for a while. Not worry about ex-boyfriends/boyfriends/gay friends, just make your life better. Then someone will want to come into your life to stay.

Good luck honey, and remember: "you're good stuff".