female only Why do some spouses seem so threatened by wls?

[TwinsMama 483]

I spoke to my pastor about this same thing. My husbands first concerns were the risks of the surgery but then the "jokes" came out about me leaving him.

My pastor suggested to reassure him of my love. But also said something that opened my eyes.

"This is taking him out of his comfort zone" basically my pastor explained that although this is not how he met me, he hasn't had to "worry" about other men or me leaving him for a long time. He knows I'm there and doesn't have to struggle.

We have a healthy marriage with issues Like any other. But my pastor said maybe this will be a good thing maybe the romance will come back!!! Like being teens all over again!! But we can't just sit back and let them do the work. If we are going to have a new body then we better use it to make sure they know we aren't going anywhere!!

I disagree with what your Pastor said about this a bit. I think too often people assume no one wants to be with someone large...your hubby married you big so obviously he was really into you despite the weight. I hate that people in society (not at all bashing your Pastor) assume because they may not date/marry a big woman, no one else will either.

All in all, I think your job is to reassure your hubby only to the extent that you feel comfortable with. After that it is his job to find the courage/confidence to know that he is enough for you. You can't make him believe that, you can only be loving and over time he either gets it or he doesn't.

So sorry if this seems I'm ranting on you, I'm not and in fact respect that you took it to your Pastor for wise counsel. I hate when people make us overweight women seem like our partners just settled for us and that when we finally do something for ourselves we have to fix what's wrong with those who have a problem with it.

Okay rant over. And again, believe me this is in no way aimed at you only in response to what your Pastor told you.

[nnegrete329 40]

I disagree with what your Pastor said about this a bit. I think too often people assume no one wants to be with someone large...your hubby married you big so obviously he was really into you despite the weight. I hate that people in society (not at all bashing your Pastor) assume because they may not date/marry a big woman' date=' no one else will either.

All in all, I think your job is to reassure your hubby only to the extent that you feel comfortable with. After that it is his job to find the courage/confidence to know that he is enough for you. You can't make him believe that, you can only be loving and over time he either gets it or he doesn't.

So sorry if this seems I'm ranting on you, I'm not and in fact respect that you took it to your Pastor for wise counsel. I hate when people make us overweight women seem like our partners just settled for us and that when we finally do something for ourselves we have to fix what's wrong with those who have a problem with it.

Okay rant over. And again, believe me this is in no way aimed at you only in response to what your Pastor told you.[/quote']

No worries, I'm a person that respects everyone's opinion.

I guess I didn't take it like he was saying my husband settled. I was not big when we married! Lol. This is really sad but when I first started dating him people wondered why. So that was my pastors point. He knows the struggle we went through in the beginning.

I guess I should have clarified a bit more

[TwinsMama 483]

No worries, I'm a person that respects everyone's opinion.

I guess I didn't take it like he was saying my husband settled. I was not big when we married! Lol. This is really sad but when I first started dating him people wondered why. So that was my pastors point. He knows the struggle we went through in the beginning.

I guess I should have clarified a bit more

Ahhh okay, that makes more sense. I've seen so many here being told this and how they took it (and me too) was that they were almost lucky just to get a man. That really tanked some of their self-esteem. So glad you have a great Pastor to talk to that helps you guys.

In the long run, the more support you can get the better. Looks like you're off to a great start!

[CassieWNY 100]

I agree that women of all sizes can be seduced so the threat is always there. In addition, Women of all sizes can make poor choices for spouses.

When it comes to marriage and any stressor, including one with dramatic change, the best approach is an open one. Getting ahead of the issues and communicating is a good approach.

However, saying that, it can be tough to talk about your weight....after long struggles to lose the weight and not succeeding, especially when that person is someone that you have such a close bond with.......

I just want others to know that these conversations are not easy but I believe they pay off.

If there is someone supportive that can help you have them, like a pastor or confidant, then I encourage you to seek their counsel.

[*Rosana* 66]

Gia,

Great topic. I have experienced the same feelings from my wonderful husband too. However I liked what Will said...

Because in a way, at least in my mind, it's a rapid change in you that they have no say/control/input in. You're literally changing without them. And in another sense, by losing weight you might gain a sense of power that you didn't have before. It's important for you two to have a strong communication with each other, even after the surgery. Make sure he feels secure in who you are. Even open up about some insecure things with him. Gauge your responses.

My husband is just afraid I think of being left behind in a sense and they are afraid of the unknown. I do know we will be just fine and I reassure him all the time. I tell my husband I'll always be his lil 'fat girl lol lol lol

[kimbernada 190]

My husband has expressed fears that I'll meet someone else. I told him in an ominous voice... "Are you kidding me? Sorry dear, this is FOREVER." and then did the evil chuckle. (That and told him I didn't want to train someone all over again anyhow.)

[gia24 85]

Gia' date='

Great topic. I have experienced the same feelings from my wonderful husband too. However I liked what Will said...

My husband is just afraid I think of being left behind in a sense and they are afraid of the unknown. I do know we will be just fine and I reassure him all the time. I tell my husband I'll always be his lil 'fat girl lol lol lol[/quote']

Thanks, I just wondered if anyone else was having their spouses freak out a little. I don't have a lot of friends personally who had WLS and was married, everyone was single and now they are pretty much enjoying their single status, some more than others and I am happy they are happy, but personally, I love my husband, our life and relationship. I'm not going anywhere simply because I lose weight.

[gia24 85]

My husband has expressed fears that I'll meet someone else. I told him in an ominous voice... "Are you kidding me? Sorry dear' date=' this is FOREVER." and then did the evil chuckle. (That and told him I didn't want to train someone all over again anyhow.)[/quote']

Lol! Exactly! I married him because I love him, he's a great guy and good father, this is forever! And you're right I don't want to have to train someone else all over again.

[4AHealthierMe 24]

I jokingly(well kind of) tell my husband, it took me 20 years to train him. I don't have the patience or desire to do it again.