female only Why do some spouses seem so threatened by wls?

[gia24 85]

My husband married me as a big girl, and a few times I talked about the WLS and he basically brushed it off, he said he didn't think I'd do it, not because he didn't have faith, but I think he just didn't think I'd actually get approved. I thought long and hard and I have severe sleep apnea, hb, and pcos, and truly need this to get healthy, be around longer for him and our kids, and possibly have a chance to have another baby.

So this year I went through the whole process and got my approval a few weeks ago, my surgery is August 19, and he is scared. He thinks I'm going to leave him once I lose my weight. I love him dearly, and I know he loves me, and I'm constantly reassuring him that I'm in love with him and never even thought of leaving. But I wonder why some spouses think that just because we lose weight, we are going to up and leave. Anyone else experiencing this?

[NoneYa 380]

They worry because it happens so often. Sometimes people that suddenly lose weight and start getting looks from the opposite sex and attention they wouldn't have had otherwise can't handle it. I have seen it happen many times. 2 years ago the insurance at my husbands work started covering WLS. Within months a line was forming at a particular Drs door for Lapband. Fully half of the yard employees or their spouses were in that line. In some cases both went. In the approximate 30 people I am aware of 5 divorced over this very thing in the first year. I don't think that those marriages were strong to start with personally. The Love and respect there seemed to have been 1 sided. I don't happen to think that if you love someone you would seek out or welcome advances from someone else. My husband mentioned concerns about it within 5 minutes of our beginning discussion on my having the sleeve surgery. I reassured him that i love him deeply and that i was 100% committed to him and our marriage and would never feel otherwise. That is also the commitment i expect from him and the size of either of our bodies has no bearing on the issue. End of subject.

[Will 61]

Because in a way, at least in my mind, it's a rapid change in you that they have no say/control/input in. You're literally changing without them. And in another sense, by losing weight you might gain a sense of power that you didn't have before. It's important for you two to have a strong communication with each other, even after the surgery. Make sure he feels secure in who you are. Even open up about some insecure things with him. Gauge your responses.

[NotLookinBack 164]

Yes.. I don't get it.. it kinda made me mad when he said it.. It's like I didn't just settle for you because I am a big girl.. I'm not going to loose a bunch of weight and then try and see what else is out there.. I chose to be with you... ugh.. anyway best of luck to you!

[gia24 85]

I know he loves me, I love him, we are in the process for him to formally adopt my children from a previous marriage, which he considers his own, and always treated them as if they were biologically his, and I love him for being such a great husband and father, we aren't perfect, have had our issues, but I know we have a strong marriage and communicate well, I just feel bad that he thinks just because I lose weight, that I'd stop loving him and leave him. He is a big guy, which I love, and he is very attractive. I'm happy and content and never even thought of leaving. I've been hit on as a big girl, but never thought twice of leaving him. I guess it's those stories of people who have left their spouses after wls that makes it bad for those who are happy and have no intention of leaving even when they lose their weight.

[Camella 209]

I know for my husband it was fear of the unknown - he doesn't really like change, especially sudden change. We have a really happy marriage and I'm confident that won't change regardless of what size I am. I think if you have a strong foundation to begin with (which it sounds like you definitely do) this new journey will just make you closer and stronger!

Remember that you are not the only one that is going to have to transition into a new way of living. Your hubby will be effected by this change too. I can imagine if it was my husband doing the same thing, I would feel a little insecure. Just continue to reassure him if he voices any concerns. He may need just a little extra TLC.

[gia24 85]

We do have a strong and good relationship, and I do reassure him, as much as I can. I can only pray and hope he will be o.k. and not worry about something that I have no intention of doing.

[Andrew0929 1,101]

My wife has the Same concern about my having the surgery. She's very worried about me leaving her after losing a lot of weight. She's only 20 lbs overweight and very attractive so not sure why she's so concerned. We have a good marriage but she's been bringing this up a lot lately. I'm hoping to have surgery around year end ...

[Roo101769 742]

In my opinion it has a lot to do with the person's insecurities and less to do with the WLS. If a marriage is strong, based in love/loyalty/respect then it will survive. Maybe work to get him involved in your journey. Have him be your 'coach". That way he feels a part of it and hopefully it will help ease his anxiety. It also doesn't hurt to spend a little extra time with him, sharing your feelings. And if all else fails, perhaps seeking outside support from a therapist or even your church. I just wish all great happiness and success!!!

[TwinsMama 483]

Also consider that he may just like big women. Some men do and while they may mask their dislike of you getting smaller/healthier with the fear of you leaving. Besides, how many people will be honest and say, yeah you're not really that healthy overweight but I'd rather you stay that way because I'm turned on by the extra weight? I'm sure not many would be that honest.

When my husband and I met we were both half the size we are now. We met in college (didn't date then though). When I told him I wanted to have surgery, his first response was fear, not that I'd leave but of the complications and possible death.

Could your hubby have the same fear of sickness/death, but is masking it as fear of you leaving? Also, something to think about.

However, I do know people who were never thin and once they had surgery they completely LOST their MINDS. While this can happen, I agree with what the other posters said...your foundation will make or break this phase of your marriage.

One suggestion I do have for you, talk to your hubby about the different sex positions you can try once you lose the weight. I did this with my hubby and when he realized he could benefit too, he was even more supportive. I hate to make it sound like you have to convince him that he benefits, but for some men, even better sex is enough motivation to support you.

[TwinsMama 483]

In my opinion it has a lot to do with the person's insecurities and less to do with the WLS. If a marriage is strong, based in love/loyalty/respect then it will survive. Maybe work to get him involved in your journey. Have him be your 'coach". That way he feels a part of it and hopefully it will help ease his anxiety. It also doesn't hurt to spend a little extra time with him, sharing your feelings. And if all else fails, perhaps seeking outside support from a therapist or even your church. I just wish all great happiness and success!!!

Excellent advice, this is so important because he is part of your journey.

[gia24 85]

I'm not sure about him just liking bigger woman, before we got married, he had dated all kinds of women, most of them being smaller framed women, but then.again, I was smaller too, I've always been thick, but gained weight from depression and the loss of so many close family and friends, so I'm sure it's not that. I'm no longer an emotional eater, I've dealt with that so it won't be a trigger for me.

But we do have a plan in place, we are going to exercise together and hit the gym together and change our whole family's eating habits for healthier choices too, so there won't be any bad food in the house, so we can prevent our children from picking up bad habits and we can all learn better choices in food instead of what's quick and easy . He also feels like he should lose weight too, so I will still think he is attractive, but I've always been attracted to him, he is an amazing man, he is just having a hard time right now, it's a huge change that I'm about to make. I was just curious if this was a normal thing for spouses of wls patients.

[CassieWNY 100]

Gia -

Just an idea... Perhaps you should commit your thoughts to writing. An old fashioned love letter where you commit your ideas and give them to him in a card. When you are going through the surgical process and beyond, it will be something that he can look to.

Women are the caretakers of the world and we rarely ask for help because we are so busy giving it. You might want to ask him directly for help through this process. The physical healing is a much smaller process than the emotional process. Ask him directly for his commitment to love and support you through what can sometimes be an intense time emotionally. When you ask him for his help, and support, and commitment to you, his focus will likely turn from your commitment and more to his. This time period is really about him being there for you. Just show him the way. Sounds like you have a very strong marriage.

Just some thoughts. I wish you the best on your journey.

[gia24 85]

Gia -

Just an idea... Perhaps you should commit your thoughts to writing. An old fashioned love letter where you commit your ideas and give them to him in a card. When you are going through the surgical process and beyond' date=' it will be something that he can look to.

Women are the caretakers of the world and we rarely ask for help because we are so busy giving it. You might want to ask him directly for help through this process. The physical healing is a much smaller process than the emotional process. Ask him directly for his commitment to love and support you through what can sometimes be an intense time emotionally. When you ask him for his help, and support, and commitment to you, his focus will likely turn from your commitment and more to his. This time period is really about him being there for you. Just show him the way. Sounds like you have a very strong marriage.

Just some thoughts. I wish you the best on your journey.[/quote']

I appreciate the thoughts, and I've written him plenty of love letters, emails and conversations. We communicate well, granted it wasn't always that way, we've had to work at it and, I know we'll be ok. He knows I love him, and I know he loves me, I guess for him the fear is just something we'll have to take one day at a time, together. Thanks for the well wishes, I can't wait for my new life and adventure.

[nnegrete329 40]

I spoke to my pastor about this same thing. My husbands first concerns were the risks of the surgery but then the "jokes" came out about me leaving him.

My pastor suggested to reassure him of my love. But also said something that opened my eyes.

"This is taking him out of his comfort zone" basically my pastor explained that although this is not how he met me, he hasn't had to "worry" about other men or me leaving him for a long time. He knows I'm there and doesn't have to struggle.

We have a healthy marriage with issues Like any other. But my pastor said maybe this will be a good thing maybe the romance will come back!!! Like being teens all over again!! But we can't just sit back and let them do the work. If we are going to have a new body then we better use it to make sure they know we aren't going anywhere!!