Marriage falling apart

[ItsMe2033 143]

.... My fear is I'm getting all this outside attention and if he continues to neglect me as he has for the past 3 years I'm scared of what might happen.

Please don't take me to be unkind for what I am about to say. I'm saying this to try to help you.

Your quote above suggests that you are interested in something else happening, and it almost seems as though you are suggesting that if it happens it will be your husband's fault because he is not giving you as much attention as other people are giving your. This is a terrible basis for making a decision about him and about your marriage. You have every right to leave your marriage if you wish, and I'm not trying to talk you out of that, but I'm just saying don't leave it because other people give you more attention than he does. If you choose to leave it, leave it because he doesn't give you as much attention as you need in a relationship. That's a perfectly fine basis, but just don't compare him to others and find him lacking. That's a recipe for disaster in personal relationships.

Unless your relationship is truly terrible I encourage you to not make this kind of decision right now. Wait a year or two if you can. You've undergone some much change so rapidly that your mind doesn't really know where you are right now emotionally. It's great to get attention from others that you have been lacking, but you've spent a lot of time in this relationship where you are now. I encourage you to put as much effort into making this work as you possibly can. That way if things don't work out, you will know that you really tried to make this work. Just imagine how you might have felt if your husband had left you a year or two ago because he found someone he liked more, or who was thin. Now think about how you might feel about yourself in a few years if something does happen and you regret it later.

I encourage you and your husband to go to counseling. I wish you the best of luck.

[Cindigzz 21]

Please don't take me to be unkind for what I am about to say. I'm saying this to try to help you.

Your quote above suggests that you are interested in something else happening, and it almost seems as though you are suggesting that if it happens it will be your husband's fault because he is not giving you as much attention as other people are giving your. This is a terrible basis for making a decision about him and about your marriage. You have every right to leave your marriage if you wish, and I'm not trying to talk you out of that, but I'm just saying don't leave it because other people give you more attention than he does. If you choose to leave it, leave it because he doesn't give you as much attention as you need in a relationship. That's a perfectly fine basis, but just don't compare him to others and find him lacking. That's a recipe for disaster in personal relationships.

Unless your relationship is truly terrible I encourage you to not make this kind of decision right now. Wait a year or two if you can. You've undergone some much change so rapidly that your mind doesn't really know where you are right now emotionally. It's great to get attention from others that you have been lacking, but you've spent a lot of time in this relationship where you are now. I encourage you to put as much effort into making this work as you possibly can. That way if things don't work out, you will know that you really tried to make this work. Just imagine how you might have felt if your husband had left you a year or two ago because he found someone he liked more, or who was thin. Now think about how you might feel about yourself in a few years if something does happen and you regret it later.

I encourage you and your husband to go to counseling. I wish you the best of luck.

[Cindigzz 21]

@it's not u it's me. Thank you for your candid response and I do agree with you. I have no intentions of cheating on my husband. I'm just very saddened and disappointed. I went thru hell and back to get this surgery and had a very rough recovery. I even lost my job over it because I was not covered under disability at work. But I am amazed at myself to see in just 10 short weeks the weight I've lost and the transformation has been just awesome and so exciting. When my husband met me 8 years ago I weighed 130 which was my normal weight pretty much my entire adult life, wore a size 6 and never in my wildest dreams would have ever thought that by age 33 I would weigh almost 300 lbs after moving to good old deep fried Texas. But it happened. I watched my husband pull away for 7 years and again at one point told me that if i didn't lose the weight he'd leave, once again he

never did physically leave but he checked out long ago. So here I am today wearing a size 14 and only 60 lbs away from my goa weight and what do I get from

him....nothing...I don't understand...I am happy again, I'm ready to tackle the world, I'm pursueing my dream and enrolling in nursing school but all I get once in a blue moon is "you look pretty". And he says it with no enthusiasm. I guess I'm just not understanding. I did this for 2 reasons number 1 my health and 2 my marriage, to give not just me but my husband back the women he fell head over heals for. He always used to tell me how beautiful i was and took me places and romanced me, he was so in love with me. He says he still is and wants to be with me and makes things better but those have been just words, no action. So as I feel so sexy and alive again I can't seem to get my husband to respond to me. I'm not arrogant or conceited about the situation, just excited and happy son why isnt he. This is what he wanted....I'm so confused and he's stealing my joy...i just don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck....

[bandicootc 91]

@it's not u it's me. Thank you for your candid response and I do agree with you. I have no intentions of cheating on my husband. I'm just very saddened and disappointed. I went thru hell and back to get this surgery and had a very rough recovery. I even lost my job over it because I was not covered under disability at work. But I am amazed at myself to see in just 10 short weeks the weight I've lost and the transformation has been just awesome and so exciting. When my husband met me 8 years ago I weighed 130 which was my normal weight pretty much my entire adult life' date=' wore a size 6 and never in my wildest dreams would have ever thought that by age 33 I would weigh almost 300 lbs after moving to good old deep fried Texas. But it happened. I watched my husband pull away for 7 years and again at one point told me that if i didn't lose the weight he'd leave, once again he

never did physically leave but he checked out long ago. So here I am today wearing a size 14 and only 60 lbs away from my goa weight and what do I get from

him....nothing...I don't understand...I am happy again, I'm ready to tackle the world, I'm pursueing my dream and enrolling in nursing school but all I get once in a blue moon is "you look pretty". And he says it with no enthusiasm. I guess I'm just not understanding. I did this for 2 reasons number 1 my health and 2 my marriage, to give not just me but my husband back the women he fell head over heals for. He always used to tell me how beautiful i was and took me places and romanced me, he was so in love with me. He says he still is and wants to be with me and makes things better but those have been just words, no action. So as I feel so sexy and alive again I can't seem to get my husband to respond to me. I'm not arrogant or conceited about the situation, just excited and happy son why isnt he. This is what he wanted....I'm so confused and he's stealing my joy...i just don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck....[/quote']

Have you told him how you feel? My hub and I are in a similar situation, but I gave him an honest reality check. He finally realized he had to make the decision whether he wants to be with me or not. He felt for so long that he was the one being mistreated in the relationship because I got fat. Poor him. Now he has realized he has to work to keep me because if he doesn't there is a line out the door of men who would be willing to fill that role.

Now I am at a crossroads of trying to decide whether I want this selfish person who before I felt so lucky to have. Not because he treated me well, but because I didn't think I deserved better. Now I know I do, and he knows that I know I do, because I was finally strong enough to tell him.

He is now trying harder every day, and I am not going to make it easier on him. Not ever again. He needs to work to keep me. I deserve that and more. I haven't answered the question of whether I stay or not, but he knows now what he wants. That makes me feel just a bit better I guess.

I didn't think wls would change my life. I only thought it would make me skinnier. I thought I was emotionally balanced and healthy. This experience has done a number on me.

[Cindigzz 21]

Defiantly sounds like my situation And good for you for standing up! Sounds like that's exactly what I need to do. Thanks for the encouragement.

[karpouzian 94]

When I had my sleeve I weighed 265 and before that I was almost 300 lbs. Now almost 10 weeks later I have gone from a size 22/24 to 14. I feel reborn and like a new person. I'm so excited that I'm getting my old body back. I feel confidant and sexy and alive again' date=' however my husband seems to have very little to say about it. I'm getting a slew of attention but not from my own attention which we all know can be dangerous. I'm I doing something wrong here. Don't I deserve to feel all these feelings. Any feedback would help. Anybody go through this?..[/quote']

I know this sounds creepy, but I had a dream about your situation last night. I hope it word out for both of you, and counseling can work wonders! :-)

[KaraBoo 37]

I've thought about this post for days now, going back and forth on whether or not to reply. My situation is slightly different from yours, but in the hopes that this will ease your mind, I'll share a little of my story.

I got married really young and had 3 kids in rapid succession. I never lost my baby weight with any of the pregnancies, and was well over 200 with my last pregnancy (I'm 5' 1 1/2"). My husband was not interested in me any longer and in fact cheated on me multiple times, always citing my weight as the reason. I finally left him after 7 years and went back to school for my nursing degree. I tried and failed to lose weight, the usual story.

3 years ago, I met my current boyfriend. 2 1/2 years ago the kids and I moved in with him. He has never known me thin. He has never made comments on my weight. In the beginning, our sex life was great and he was so complimentary, always telling me how beautiful I am, etc. About a year and a half ago, that changed. The compliments stopped, and we did not have sex for over a year. From my previous experience, I was convinced it was me, that he found me unattractive, that he couldn't stand to see me naked. It was around this time that I started considering the sleeve as my mom had it and has done wonderfully with it.

Here's the thing.... it wasn't me at all. He has ED and that was the reason for the changes I saw. He was insecure and self-conscious. After a huge blow up fight where I got as far as packing my clothes, he finally let me in to where his head had been at. He didn't want to compliment me for fear it would key me up and he would be unable to perform. He was also worried that I'd find someone else who could. We both cried and finally had an honest discussion about our different expectations. This is not to say we don't still have our issues, because all relationships do. But what I thought was all my fault actually wasn't.

Now I'm close to getting my surgery date (so excited!). I had a week where I gained instead of losing and freaked out. He told me "If you lose or gain, it won't change my feelings. I love you, your body is just icing on the cake." He is incredibly supportive and my biggest cheerleader. I think you and your husband need to have an honest and open discussion. His reasons for behaving the way he is might just surprise you. If he really is just not interested and pulling away, try counseling. If that doesn't work, move on. There is someone out there who will love you for you, regardless of the packaging you come in! {{{hugs}}}

[Mocha-NJ 20]

@it's not u it's me. Thank you for your candid response and I do agree with you. I have no intentions of cheating on my husband. I'm just very saddened and disappointed. I went thru hell and back to get this surgery and had a very rough recovery. I even lost my job over it because I was not covered under disability at work. But I am amazed at myself to see in just 10 short weeks the weight I've lost and the transformation has been just awesome and so exciting. When my husband met me 8 years ago I weighed 130 which was my normal weight pretty much my entire adult life' date=' wore a size 6 and never in my wildest dreams would have ever thought that by age 33 I would weigh almost 300 lbs after moving to good old deep fried Texas. But it happened. I watched my husband pull away for 7 years and again at one point told me that if i didn't lose the weight he'd leave, once again he

never did physically leave but he checked out long ago. So here I am today wearing a size 14 and only 60 lbs away from my goa weight and what do I get from

him....nothing...I don't understand...I am happy again, I'm ready to tackle the world, I'm pursueing my dream and enrolling in nursing school but all I get once in a blue moon is "you look pretty". And he says it with no enthusiasm. I guess I'm just not understanding. I did this for 2 reasons number 1 my health and 2 my marriage, to give not just me but my husband back the women he fell head over heals for. He always used to tell me how beautiful i was and took me places and romanced me, he was so in love with me. He says he still is and wants to be with me and makes things better but those have been just words, no action. So as I feel so sexy and alive again I can't seem to get my husband to respond to me. I'm not arrogant or conceited about the situation, just excited and happy son why isnt he. This is what he wanted....I'm so confused and he's stealing my joy...i just don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck....[/quote']

I'm in the somewhat same situation. 16 yrs of marriage and I have been over weight at least 12 of those yrs. In the beginning he tried to encourage me to lose weight. Increasiling our relationship decline including some infidelty. Ultimately we both decided to fight for our family. I had thought about WLS for many yrs before I actually having surgery. Back then he was against the surgery. But when I told him earlier this year what I was doing and he saw me jumping thru all the hoops to get approved he realized I was serious. I explained to him that I could never be the wife and mother I want to be until first start taking care of me. I apologized to him for losing control of life and I thanked him for supporting me on this new journey.. have a talk with your hubby and try to work it out good times ahead:-)

[lviv 2]

Husband is getting bariatric surgery in 1 month and I'm pretty scared. He's 350 lbs, hasn't had sex with me since 2013, and out of the blue in January tells me he's been looking into getting "the sleeve". I thought it was a very good move, and was very supportive of him, but now I'm worried. I'd been reading up on the procedure, and over and over again, I hear that 85% of marriages fall apart in 2 years after surgery.

The truth is, my husband's been very pushy, ever since we were engaged -- I hate conflict, and I let him have his way almost always. I'm now about 30-50 lbs overweight (I was 20 lbs overweight when we were married, and he was about 250 back then.) I'm feeling very bad about my half-hearted attempts to lose weight, but now I'm feeling frantic, like I need to be thin before he is, or I'll look like the frumpy old wife he needs to get rid of so he can enjoy his new life. I haven't lost weight, and feel that once he does start losing weight, his pushiness will get even worse, as his ego goes into overdrive and women start flirting with him (which I hear is very common after WLS, even when the patient is still mid-weight-loss) and he'll become a NIGHTMARE.

I already feel ignored, like I'm not even female, let alone the woman he worked so hard to win over. All I am is a paycheck and a maid, and I fear he'll be grinding me down even more when he's flirting back and hitting on women in front of me. I've had boyfriends do that to me before in the past , and even when you do up and leave, the damage to your self-image doesn't ever really leave you. I thought my husband was different, and I'm afraid he won't be.

I'm not looking forward to being thrown away while my husband enjoys his second adolescence.

[Canada here 35]

Husband is getting bariatric surgery in 1 month and I'm pretty scared. He's 350 lbs, hasn't had sex with me since 2013, and out of the blue in January tells me he's been looking into getting "the sleeve". I thought it was a very good move, and was very supportive of him, but now I'm worried. I'd been reading up on the procedure, and over and over again, I hear that 85% of marriages fall apart in 2 years after surgery.

The truth is, my husband's been very pushy, ever since we were engaged -- I hate conflict, and I let him have his way almost always. I'm now about 30-50 lbs overweight (I was 20 lbs overweight when we were married, and he was about 250 back then.) I'm feeling very bad about my half-hearted attempts to lose weight, but now I'm feeling frantic, like I need to be thin before he is, or I'll look like the frumpy old wife he needs to get rid of so he can enjoy his new life. I haven't lost weight, and feel that once he does start losing weight, his pushiness will get even worse, as his ego goes into overdrive and women start flirting with him (which I hear is very common after WLS, even when the patient is still mid-weight-loss) and he'll become a NIGHTMARE.

I already feel ignored, like I'm not even female, let alone the woman he worked so hard to win over. All I am is a paycheck and a maid, and I fear he'll be grinding me down even more when he's flirting back and hitting on women in front of me. I've had boyfriends do that to me before in the past , and even when you do up and leave, the damage to your self-image doesn't ever really leave you. I thought my husband was different, and I'm afraid he won't be.

I'm not looking forward to being thrown away while my husband enjoys his second adolescence.

[Canada here 35]

Where did you get the statistic about the 85% thing with the relationship falling apart?

[Tikvah 70]

Wait, if he threatened to leave you if you didn't lose weight that changes everything!!

Whether i lost weight or not i would be moving on if that was said to me. That doesn't sound like love talking.

Yes, because every husband dreams of being with an unhealthy spouse. It goes both ways. If my spouse was doing an illicit drug, I'd probably give the same ultimatum. If I was literally killing myself by gaining tons of weight, I'd expect my partner to leave as well.

He is now trying harder every day, and I am not going to make it easier on him. Not ever again. He needs to work to keep me. I deserve that and more. I haven't answered the question of whether I stay or not, but he knows now what he wants. That makes me feel just a bit better I guess.

I didn't think wls would change my life. I only thought it would make me skinnier. I thought I was emotionally balanced and healthy. This experience has done a number on me.

Sounds terribly one sided in your case. It takes two to tango as they say. Relationships are 50/50. You should work to keep him as well, and he deserves just as much from you as from him.

This thread is terribly sad and frustrating from a males angle.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Tikvah

[Tikvah 70]

duplicate

Edited February 27, 2014 by Tikvah

[lviv 2]

Where did you get the statistic about the 85% thing with the relationship falling apart?

I'm getting anywhere from 75 - 85% depending on the source: http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/rny/3760925/Divorce-rate-after-weight-loss-surgery-75-is-this-true/

Really shocking! I initially googled it to find post-procedure care and side effects, but the more I read, the more the D word came up, not to mention spouses deciding they're gonna go out and find themselves attention. I didn't think of myself as being inattentive of my husband, or taking advantage of him in any way, but you know the saying -- men's fidelity is inversely proportional to their options.

I know how intoxicating that feeling can be. I went through a hell of a phase when I was young -- I was a frumpy high school/college girl, then lost 70 lbs and was in the best shape of my life, with unprecedented attention from men. This weight loss was doctor-prescribed when my body was starting to show signs of stress knees, etc.) so I'd like to think it was purely health-related. But it was, in truth, only after years of dating a guy who was way better looking than me, knew it, and treated me like dirt, finally dumping me when I was finally just too fat to be seen with in public. I never wanted to feel like that again.

In retrospect, it was like I was taking revenge on myself, and I ended up wasting time with a string of men that didn't treat me much better than the douchebag that dumped me. I'm very afraid of being married to someone that's gonna act like I did when I was 23. LOL

And here i am, as obese as ever...

[NMJG 1,266]

Many statistics show the divorce rate after WLS to be around 75%. You can google it. After all, the regular divorce rate is 50%, then add to it the issues that extreme change brings to light and many marriages cannot stand up to the strain.

Iviv, it sounds like you have some pretty significant issues with your marriage right now. If I were you, I would start counseling sooner rather than later if you want to stay married. Good luck to you and your husband.