Lisa is in the funny farm...

[DeLarla 22]

I'm not sure that "forgiveness" is what I'm experiencing right now. I think my marbles can't take the insanity. I hate fighting, I hate stress, I hate ugliness. So I'm giving him the chance to do all our bills from now on. He did it once before and actually did somewhat of a good job. I won't so much as stop at the post office for stamps or lick an envelope any more. Time for him to stress out over it.

As far as the helmut, that's how he told me he brought the bike. He said, "here, do you want the medium one or the large one?" I said, "which will hurt more when I hit you with it?" And that's when I started chasing him around the house screaming at him. Then the bonehead acts all exicited and tells me the helmuts were free, and the dealership will take a picture of us together on our new bike for FREE. Free? Did he really say free?

Truthfully, I don't want to ride that Harley to work. I hate being looked at, while he'd like to stand on pedestal and have the whole world admire him. Being on the bike is too many people in my comfort zone... safer in a car. People are right in your face when you're sitting at red lights, staring at you, trying to make small talk. I don't like it. Plus, the thing scares the hell out of me. But oh yes, I'll drive it, and I'll drive it often, because I know how nervous it makes him, and I know he HATES the idea of me taking his baby but doesn't dare admit it. Game on.

I had my first test lesson today, and it went really, really bad. Good thing I already turned the corner when I nearly ran into a van then onto someone's lawn because if he saw me, whoosh, would he be (evil laughter) pissed!

[paula 4]

Oh, this is waaaay too funny!!! Just to ease your thoughts, Ive never met a man that didnt have "toys"..... mine is into guitars !

But just think about all those guys that are into hunting and fishing and they have all the boat stuff, fishing stuff, guns, licenses, hunting leases, cabins...... Im sure that crap adds into the THOUSANDS!!!!

One thing Ive always wondered..... how come men have these hundreds and thousands of dollar toys, and us women have to "fit it in the budget" to buy a new bra???

hmmmmmm.........

:guess

[hagerteresa 3]

Lisa,

I really am sorry to hear about all of this. I hate it when parents don't properly raise boys to become men. It just makes me cringe. Leave it up to the poor future wives to have to retrain them not to be idiots. Life has been crazy. I would like to write more but I'll be back. My eating habits all weekend have been less than band proper too. I'll have to be really good for the rest of the week if I want a loss on wednesday. Chat later, I'm thinking about ya, Teresa

[New Hope 37]

Hey, Teresa, been wondering where you were! Glad you're back!

[Janie Jackson 0]

Hey Teresa Ive been wondering about you also. Been missing hearing from you. I feel like we are in the same boat. I was banded on 5-6-04, and have not had a fill yet, yet I have steadily lost weight. But this weekend just went out the window eating properly. My scales show a 2 lb weight gain, so I am trying desperatly to get back on track. Keep in touch...Janie

[Janie Jackson 0]

Lisa I am so sorry I completly got off your original post. I feel like I live in the funny farm also. I bring a lot on myself. Although we are somewhat struggeling finically because my business has really slowed down. But my husband has a boat we never use, trailer we never use , a work pickup we never use, he is on a deer lease that he uses one time a year, (we both do not eat deer meat), He drives 2003 Dodge Ram,(I drive a 1996 Ford ranger work truck). Well I could go on but I wont. I really love him but it seems to me if we would sell a few things life would be better. I guess its true about boys (men) with their toys. I think you have a great attidue. If you cant fight them join them. I enjoyed your pictures, you are so cute...Best of luck...Janie

[Vera 7]

Lisa, The Guys I work with are nuts over your 2005 Harley Davidson Dyna Wide Glide. Apparently Chris

picked out one hell of a bike. Too bad it has to cost so much....

You do look hot!

[DeLarla 22]

Damn it, I'm wearing my $6.73 bra right now! And his Dodge Ram was $35,000 years back and we still owe 9 grand. But MY BRAND NEW JIMMY isn't even brand new! My car died, but I didn't want a huge car payment so I drove every used vehicle in Las Vegas till I found a good buy on a used one, and my truck payment is only $170.00.

I did, however, pay full price for my Jockey underwear; HOWEVER, I shop at the factory outlet mall so they are "imperfect" even though I can't tell what's wrong with them.

I'm thinking of going to the jewelry store and upgrading my diamond wedding ring to something a little chunkier in the 2 karat range (that's about 20 grand, right?) Hmm, what did he say, "it's better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission?" That can work both ways!

Don't worry about taking this thread off the subject, cuz the subject of MEN can make us babble till we drool.

Meanwhile, the weirdest thing happened. We had a deposition in our office, and we are the defendants. But the plaintiff's attorney is really outgoing and weird, and last time he was here he said "you make a great cup of coffee so I'm going to bring you some gold earrings." I didn't think anything of it, but today he came in and dumped 20 bags of jewelry on my desk and said, "pick something." WHAT? He can see by my hands that I love jewelry, and he teases me with 20 bags? I told him "that's dirty pool because I'll get fired if I accept a gift from the enemy." He said, "it's not a gift, it's payment for the coffee."

So here I am, digging through mountains of gold, rings, gems, rubys, etc. I picked a modest pair of gold hoops (the biggest, heaviest ones.) But I put a sapphire ring aside and asked him how much he's asking for it. He told me to KEEP IT. It's got five marquis sapphires and five small diamonds in a cluster. I asked why he had all that stuff, and he said he'd tell me later cuz he's in a hurry, but told me I could call his secretary who'd tell me that he gives everyone this stuff, so I have nothing to worry about.

I told him, "fine, I'll borrow it." But he left it here on my finger! How weird is that? It puts the tiny sapphire ring Chris gave me for Christmas to shame even though I love my little pinky ring.

So tonight I'll just bring it home and tell Chris I picked it up when I went to order my 2 karat diamond. I'm not really going to order one, but I'll tell him I paid for the new diamond and have to wait for it to be shipped from Mongolia, so in the meantime I just bought this cocktail ring to make me happy as I wait.

[DeLarla 22]

VERA, I'm F-ing going nuts because I can't get any sympathy from the attorneys I work with! Instead of consoling me, they love the bike too and said, "there's always bankruptcy."

And my own best friend who is a family law attorney loves the bikle. I think I'll get a sex change and buy me a penis so I can buy all the toys I want without worrying about it.

And don't even mention guitars and speakers, because he bought all those, too! He just had to have a seven-string when he can't even play the 5 six-strings we already have!

[DeLarla 22]

Last night I went grocery shopping. This morning he wanted to know where his Maple Honey Ham was. I handed him his new bologna. He asked where I put his Hostess Pies, I handed him $1.39 Little Debbie's moon pies or some crap.

[CandyB 0]

Dear Lisa,

Before I start in on you, let me forewarn you that I am extremely practical about money. I have to be. We hardly have any! 11 years ago I chose to stay at home with our children, giving up over half of our income, and learning to live with less stuff. We actually sold our home and rented a cottage for 7 years so that I could afford to be a (mostly) stay at home Mom. I've always worked part time evenings, though. Anyway, we eventually bought another home, and are of course saddled with all of the bills and work and headaches and pride that parenthood and mortgage-ownership implies. So, we're still strapped, more than ever before. (After all, we live in NJ, where everything is taxed, even tooth whitening procedures. We are the state with the "Smile" tax. And that is just the tip of the iceburg of corruption in our state).

Sorry, I digressed.

I wish everybody would stop rationalizing and down-playing what your husband did in making a huge purchase that you didn't approve together beforehand. That's a marriage deal-breaker, and you're fooling yourself if you think it isn't. Even if you could have afforded the Harley, his buying it w/o your agreeing would still be a deal-breaker. Reading about how you've bailed him out before and how responsibly you've handled money shows me that he is someone you have allowed to treat you this way.

Love has a great deal to do with responsibility to each other and it has everything to do with trust. Unfortunately, you can't trust the guy. I don't care how cute he is or how much fun he is or how good it is when it's good. Without mutual trust and mutual respect and mutual responsibility there is a lack of true marital love.

Sorry, Babe, I think he has proven himself unworthy of you. Don't be fooled by his sudden energy. He doesn't want to lose you. You are VERY valuable to him, but in what way?

I hate to say this, but I wonder about the choices we make before we are all grown up. Sometimes they turn out to be good choices, sometimes not. Do we have to stay with the choices we've made even when we realize we've made a huge mistake, that we made them before we really knew what we were doing? You have no children to complicate a marital split. Marrying for better or worse does not mean remaining married through every rotten thing a spouse can do to you. It means weathering the storms life presents both of you together.

I wonder if you will feel as forgiving of your husband's outrageous behavior when you feel better about yourself.

As far as allowing yourself a revenge-financial splurge, I doubt you will do it, and of course you shouldn't. Maybe it would be more constructive for you to keep your anger focused on the rightful subject.

I feel bad for your troubles. Lord knows my own life is full of many, but after reading this thread today, I am going to show my husband a lot more appreciation for being the financially trustworthy husband he is.

I'm thinking about you, candy

[DeLarla 22]

Thanks, candy. I agree with everything you said. Problem is I'm a double Libra, so I'll have to weigh and measure both sides of the problem until my mind comes to a satisfying place.

I already told him that he broke my trust, and I'll never trust him again. I also believe that a marriage is based on trust, so what I've got now is a big mess.

But on the other side of the scale, I have a pretty happy life. We have a nice home in a nice neighborhood. We have pets and friends and a long history. When I said, "I do for better or worse" I meant it. I simply don't believe in divorce. Never did, never will. I'd have to be completey off my rocker to even talk about it, so I guess I really am going crackers because it's tossing around in my head.

I don't buy into any of his crap about this "new him" either. I told him yesterday that the novelty of the bike will wear off and we'll be stuck with years more payments.

So to divorce him or leave him would be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I don't forgive him, I don't trust him, and I don't think he'll ever grow up. But to leave him would be like cutting out my own heart, and I don't deserve that.

I weighed 130 pounds less when we met, but I'm more secure and confident now then I was then. But I'm also a problem solver and have fixed huge messes my entire life. Some that surprised even me. But this is one mess that I can't fix.

No, I'm not going to do anything financially to get him back, first because there's nothing I'm dying to have, but second it would only screw me.

Also, if I file for divorce, I have a chance of losing my dream home. I picked out this house all by myself. He refused to sell our first house because he didn't want to pay another dishonest agent commission (bad experience with our first home.) So I actually went to real estate school and got my own license just to find my perfect house. I looked at every available house in Las Vegas without him, and when I found this one, I had tears in my eyes. He didn't care for it because he thinks it's "too girly." But he's happy there now. If I file for divorce, since this is a community property state, everything will get divided down the middle. I already consulted with a divorce attorney who said I'd take a big gamble at getting to keep the house, because Chris certainly won't give it up. So a judge could force us to put it on the market.

So I'm just as guilty for my materialism, though I personally think mine's justified since we're talking about a home, not a luxury item.

I'm just a lost girl in a lost world with lost thoughts. But my instincts won't allow me to divorce him.. not today, anyway.

[Neicy 0]

Lisa, most of the men I know including my husband have those expensive toys. My husband is into street rods, has 2. Had to build a second garage to house them, complete with a lift and all the fancy tools to build them. He used to be into motorcycles about 30 years ago.(he's 61) He's always had the toys, even though we never had tons of money. But he is a hard worker, and always managed to afford what he wanted. Suffice it to say that we had some hum dinger arguements over money and I hate when that happens!

Anyway, somewhere along the line, I decided to quit bitching. I love him and if he's just got to have a toy, and he can figure out how to pay for it, then so be it. Sounds crazy, but it works.

I don't want you to think I'm one of those "doormat" women, we have separate finances, and I also spend my money as I see fit.

Works for me, I'm pretty independent and I tell him whenever necessary, that all I really need from him is to be sweet and loving to me!

Marriages, they're all different. Seems like you really love Chris and he loves you. Try to enjoy your life everyday, dont wait till the bills are paid, or till you lose X number of pounds, or any other delay to your being happy. You can't control a man, or at least I never could. But I could control the way I reacted. Took me a long time to realize this. Life has enough pitfalls, try to jump the potholes and get on with loving each other.

[Alexandra 55]

candy, I'm with you. Fun is fun but I'm afraid DeLarla will wake up one day and discover there's nothing fun about endless debt and an out-of-control life.

Lisa, Chris has shown you that he's fun and exciting. Can he show you that he's a grown-up? I don't know about you, but I like being married to an adult.

[CandyB 0]

Sweetie, I hate hearing how much emotional turmoil you're going through. I'm glad you are so open in sharing what's going on inside you. You are a voice we all love hearing. I think we all fell in love with you right away. You've given us all so many laughs. That's why we're all sounding so passionate about what you're dealing with. And we're all pissed-off for you!

And I'm sure you will weigh it all out before you come to conclusions and take any action. And I fully understand how you feel about your home. Mine is heart-wrenchingly special to me, too. It was the home my parents found and rented for 4 years when we moved from Pa. to NJ. After having lived in the original "little boxes on the hillside" (Levittown), we all loved it - it's a fine old Arts and Crafts home built in the '20's with all of the quality those days offered:solid as a rock, brass fixturing on all the doors, glass or brass door knobs throughout, custom double front doors, stone columns on the porch, matching stone fireplace in the living room, funny staircase that goes upstairs or down to the kitchen from the landing, three original stained glass windows, plaster walls - that's a good and bad thing. Oh, did I mention that for all of it's charm it will be a money pit until we die? It sits on about an acre of land, and we love it. I would never want to leave it. We bought it a few months after my mother died. I felt like she was leading me back to this house the day I sat and cried in the driveway and called the realtor to make arrangements to see inside it. It had been 30 years since I had been in it. (My parents had bought a house in another town). So I know how you feel about your home, like it's almost worth putting up with your husband's crap just to not disrupt your lifestyle. Well, that's a decision we all have to make for ourselves. I am not judging. I know it's hard to have the courage of our convictions. Selling our first home was the hardest decision I have ever made, but it was a no-brainer once I realized that I was working to pay a mortgage, and I wasn't even in the home all day. My baby was in day care in someone else's home all day. I realized that I didn't have a child to be away from him all day and miss out on the most valuable time in my life. The realization made the decision for me. The mortgage had to go. We had to sell the house. I grieved over that for a long time, but I knew that I had made the right decision. I had to choose once-in-a-life time with my child over materialism and societal expectations. I have never regretted selling that house.

What makes you think, though, that you would lose your house in a divorce settlement? With your husband's financially irresponsible pattern, I'll bet the judge would declare that the mortgage would be safer in your hands. Can you swing it on your own? Or do you have a friend who could move in? I'm not saying that you should divorce the guy but that you should keep your options open and not feel trapped. And you should take steps to protect yourself financially.

As far as cutting your heart out goes, we've all gone through a couple of those experiences and lived to tell about it and learned from it. I hope you are working on these problems with your head a little bit more than your heart. Your heart might keep you in a forever-doomed-to-repeat-itself situation. Your head is what has allowed you to be the problem-solver you have always been.

Good luck in these next few confusing weeks. candy