Trying to open up

[shelbyschroepfer 35]

I've finally decided to write down how I feel, and it was NOT a fun time.. I'm 8 days post op down 13 ish lbs, and overall doing pretty good, but my mind is being torn into places I have never imagined. I've spent basically 1/3 of my life being obese, since I was maybe 13-14, and I TRULY HONESTLY don't know how I got here. I know some people say that to cover up a habit or an obsession but I swear to all that is holy I do not remember how this STARTED. I remember being "normal" at 13 and then I remember being "big boned" at 15 and I remember being 225-250lbs at 16. I hit puberty VERY early, between 9 and 10, and shortly after I developed huge boobs. Sorry to be blunt but I was 10 with a B cup and they've never stopped growing. Aside from the busty chest I wasn't big anywhere else. My family didn't have money to eat out, it would almost only be on special occasion. My mom would work nights as a cook (a damn good one) and my dad would work until 5 or 6 as a well driller, so when my mom left at 3 she would either have supper started or to the point where it just had to be put in the oven. And when I say she was a good cook I mean the kind that could make you cry. She ALWAYS had balanced meals, fruit, veggie, meat. A few typical meals would be spaghetti, green Beans, and watermelon. Or roast, potatoes, carrots. Or steaks(we are huge grillers), baked potatoes and asparagus. We weren't picky kids, aside from not liking onions or spicy food or little preferences like that. My mom is tiny, she's 52 and a size 7. She wears bikinis and looks smoking hot. No cellulite no stretch marks, she's gorgeous. My dad is the picture of health, aside from genetic thyroid problems and some hearing loss. He's maybe 180lbs and ripped. My sister was borderline anorexic through high school maybe tipping the scale at 150 when she was pregnant. And my brother got chubby about the same time that I did, but has since lost all extra weight (due to drug issues) and is "normal". We didn't have much money for Snacks in our house either, fruit was always accessible and vegetables were usually grown fresh so we had plenty. Every once in a while there were potato chips or pop tarts or Cereal but these things were eaten for Breakfast and only breakfast. It's just what you did. When wed get home from school we'd have a snack, an apple, a fruit snack, a bowl of chips, something. But never to the amount of excess because it just wasn't allowed. We regularly had pop available to us but my mom would only buy 2 liters so we had enough for maybe a glass a day for 3 days and then it was gone for a few weeks. School lunches I ate what was given and never took seconds (couldn't afford it), which were the basic meat veggie fruit bun milk lunches. Anyway, my story could go on forever but the point of me telling you this is because I just don't UNDERSTAND how I got this way, when MILLIONS of children had my exact upbringing and are of "normal" size.

I had the sleeve surgery to help with weight loss. I had lost weight on my own before, but never enough to make a difference, to make me healthier, to get pregnant. So I got the sleeve as a TOOL to help me relearn to eat. I am 100% positive that once I get to a manageable weight I could get rid of the sleeve (impossible I know) and be a-ok for the rest of my life and stay on track with a healthy lifestyle. I have developed a hypo thyroid due to genetics, as well as PCOS, and high blood pressure, no doubt due to my weight. So for me, losing weight isn't as easy as those without the thyroid issue. No I am not blaming my thyroid but it is a big part of the problem!!!

Since having the surgery I lay awake for 40-48 hours at a time and search (this forum) for foods like French fries, starburst, ice cream, and I try to reason and investigate why I got to where I am. I am completely closed off with the world. My husband has only known me as obese, my family is just as confused as I am as to why I got this big, and my friends love me no matter what but of course they're all stick thin so I don't bother venting to them. I am made sick at night thinking about WHY I had to resort to the sleeve. As happy as I am, WHY was this my only option? WHY couldn't I lose weight like others? WHY did I have such extreme options when it came to getting healthier.

I need a friend. I need someone who can help me come to grips with WHY this decision HAD to be made (and I do believe that it HAD to be made). This is my last resort. I support the sleeve and I believe in it but how do I go on living my life with half a stomach and continue to have confidence in myself when I couldn't even lose weight by myself? I had to cut myself to pieces because I COULDN'T DO IT.

Sorry for the long rant, hopefully someone will read this ridiculously long post and feel the same way I do. And maybe offer some support.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 311 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

[sharonintx 1,275]

Awww Shelby it's gonna be ok:) Having this darn surgery is SO hard emotionally. I can totally relate to how you feel. It took me longer than some to come to grips with what I've done. What I've done is remove the ability to use food as my comfort. And truthfully, times have been hard around my house lately and not being able to give myself the comfort I want the most really really bites. I'm still coming to terms with it 4 months post op. Sometimes I get so mad because I want to eat more of whatever delicious thing is on my plate, but I can't. Take right now for example! I've been putting a lot of effort into being the best BBQ maker I know. I am smoking briskets, turkeys, chicken, pork, - all of it. Doing a good job too! I have some smoked chicken on the plate in front of me with some chicken smoked with apple and cherry puree mixed with some red pepper. This sh*t is good. But can I eat much? Heck no! But I want to so bad.

But have faith girl! You will learn how to adjust slowly and you will be just fine. And beautiful too. Why do some of us have to be fat while others seem to stay thin easily?? I just don't know but it sure isn't fair. The first couple months after surgery are the worst! Oh how I hated life and my sleeve as well. Sometimes still do but it has gotten a lot better. When i look at myself now I am starting to see smaller arms, a thinner face, legs that cannot belong to ME because they aren't fat enough, and sometimes I even see "pretty" when I look in the mirror.

And so will you. The emotional aspect sucks big time, but realize these wild emotions are just another part of this whole ordeal, know it will get much much better, and keep the faith. You are gonna make it:)

[ms.k 20]

I feel the same as you, to a certain extent, btw, can't get the underline off.. Anyway, I hate the fact that I cant eat more than I do, I hate eating slow and I hate that I cant down any liquid so that this thirst felling would subside. I'm 3 weeks and 1 day out today n am mad. But this too shall pass I hope. good luck! and i'm here if u wanna talk. Oh, and I hate saggy skin, extra cellulite, Hair loss (which i'm sure is coming) and I hate feeling full :'(

[shelbyschroepfer 35]

Awww Shelby it's gonna be ok:) Having this darn surgery is SO hard emotionally. I can totally relate to how you feel. It took me longer than some to come to grips with what I've done. What I've done is remove the ability to use food as my comfort. And truthfully' date=' times have been hard around my house lately and not being able to give myself the comfort I want the most really really bites. I'm still coming to terms with it 4 months post op. Sometimes I get so mad because I want to eat more of whatever delicious thing is on my plate, but I can't. Take right now for example! I've been putting a lot of effort into being the best BBQ maker I know. I am smoking briskets, turkeys, chicken, pork, - all of it. Doing a good job too!<img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' /> I have some smoked chicken on the plate in front of me with some chicken smoked with apple and cherry puree mixed with some red pepper. This sh*t is good. But can I eat much? Heck no! But I want to so bad.

But have faith girl! You will learn how to adjust slowly and you will be just fine. And beautiful too. Why do some of us have to be fat while others seem to stay thin easily?? I just don't know but it sure isn't fair. The first couple months after surgery are the worst! Oh how I hated life and my sleeve as well. Sometimes still do but it has gotten a lot better. When i look at myself now I am starting to see smaller arms, a thinner face, legs that cannot belong to ME because they aren't fat enough, and sometimes I even see "pretty" when I look in the mirror.

And so will you. The emotional aspect sucks big time, but realize these wild emotions are just another part of this whole ordeal, know it will get much much better, and keep the faith. You are gonna make it:)[/quote']

everything you said is exactly how I feel. I want to be skinny and healthy but I don't want to sacrifice my relationship with food and cooking. I don't want to be the girl licking celery at one of our family picnics because everyone else is still on their 2nd helping. I can't wait to see results and get past this healing crabby stomach and maybe I'll feel better. After reading a lot of your posts I think you resemble exactly who I want to be down the road. I refuse to give up certain foods all together. I got the sleeve to learn moderation and portion sizes, not to restrict myself from things that mean so much to me.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

[sharonintx 1,275]

Me too! I've gotten some negative comments from time to time when I post about the things that I still eat and have no intention of depriving myself in the least. I eat candy, chips, ice cream, pop corn with a boatload of butter - anything I want. As you get further out you will notice the restriction. It's unforgiving. So when I saw I am eating this or that it isn't much of it at all because I'm too full. I lose slowly but its ok with me. I am down 34.5 pounds as of today and feel fine about my progress.

You live how you want Shelby and don't worry what anyone thinks. You are very early out and I promise you are not yet feeling the amount of restriction that you are going to feel. SO be careful for a couple months and give yourself time to heal. But by all means - if you want a little taste of something then have one. I don't wanna live the rest of my life not having some Pepsi, candy, or whatever. Use your good sense and make your own path. You are gonna do great!

[Teachamy 1,042]

I love the line about being the girl licking celery! LOL!

When I first met with my social worker (a requirement for the surgery here) she asked what I would miss about food. I said, the social aspect, and the fact that I comfort myself with food. It was a go-to when I was bored, tired, or even as a reward for myself. Just identifying that was helpful to me.

Does your surgery center have therapists on staff that could help you talk through this very difficult process? Every journey is a very personal one, and you have an absolute right to feel the way you do! Hopefully your program can support you in more than just the surgery itself.

Best,

Amy

[920amy 409]

Shelby,

My story is different from yours, but my conclusion was the same. Why, How? I actually grew up with 2 obese parents. My mother was the master of (what I call) 'Fat ass' Southern cooking. She was a stay at home mom most the time, and I can remember her taking a 9X13 cake, cutting it into quarters (there were 4 of us, my parents and 1 sister) and we would all sit down with a fork and eat our 1/4 of a cake. If we didn't eat it all, my father would readily finish what we hadn't, so we would all typically finish our 1/4 in less than 15 minutes. That was just my childhood, my sister and I were chubby as kids, but she 'grew out of' her weight when she got braces and said food was too painful to eat, and I grew out of mine in high school as typical adolescent teenagers do.

My sister put her weight back on in college, and my parents took off quite a bit, my mother has kept most of hers off now, by doing Adkins when I was in my 20's. My father has always yo-yo'd with his weight. I was very slim through my early twenties until I moved from Thailand where I'd been for 5 years to Wisconsin to get married. The weight readily and quickly piled on as my lifestyle changed drastically, pre-packaged food, sedetary lifestyle, SAD (seasonal affective disorder), and LOTS of beer and cheese (Yay Wisconsin!). A long divorce 4 years later, moving back to AZ and a new marriage to a man who was also morbidly obese saw me tipping the scales at 265.

I saw my mother have to go through a triple by-pass, and she is on high blood pressure and cholesterol meds, my father has an enlarged heart, has had a heart attack and stints put in, he also has bad knees and is on a slew of meds, my mother in law who is also morbidly obese is practically home bound, and the final straw was when my sister told me her cholesterol was so high her Dr. advised her to stop breast feeding her youngest and get on a statin before she had a stroke or heart attack.

I personally have no medical issues, in fact I thought it was funny my Dr. would always say to me 'you are in very good health for being as big as you are'. I was a very happy fat person, my husband is still a very happy fat person. However, the light bulb went off for me-I AM NOT INVINCIBLE-! I may have been healthy and big, but if I kept down that road...it would probably be a short one.

I had done many a diet, my love-hate diet was Medifast. I HATE the taste of artificial orange ANYTHING because of that diet. I had been round and round with diets that didn't work for 6 years. Then I read an article. I wish I could find it so I could link it here, but the article was about how people who have more than 100 pounds to lose and then actually do lose the weight, without surgical intervention, only 3% are successful. :/ 3%?!?! I couldn't believe it...or maybe I could. Would I ever be 3%? I didn't think so. In fact, I know not so.

When I started to research WLS I started out thinking I could get the band, then have it removed after a few years...but reality struck me, no other diet had ever worked, what made me think getting a band losing weight then having it removed would work? The more i researched the more I found that talked about the horrors of the band and how it could erode etc. I always thought by-pass was way too invasive, but then I found the sleeve.

I found this forum especially to be helpful, I really enjoyed reading about people that were researching and just starting, but then I began to read about the veterans also, and I discovered that I really could stick with the sleeve. Yes the first few weeks and months suck, liquid stage, pureed stage, mushies, soft food, but as I got further and further out from surgery, I loved that I didn't and still for the most part don't have hunger anymore, and that I don't have food cravings anything like I used to either. I am 8 1/2 months out, and this is the best thing I've ever done for myself. You can and will eat ice cream and chips again, but you will eat them in moderation. You will eat star bursts and French fries, and you might even enjoy them, but thankfully, you'll probably never enjoy a super sized Mc Donalds fry with a quarter pounder and a huge coke again. This is a good thing!!

I feel very zen about the why. I am not bothered by it like I was at the beginning. I don't mind much if people know I had the surgery, if they want to judge me, so be it. I am still horrible about exercise and know I would be much closer to goal if I did. I have Cookies or chips or some cake now and then, but I don't eat 1/4 of a 9X13 anymore I hope reading my story makes you realize that even though all of us have come from different diverse back grounds, we are all here together. Maybe we will never know why, maybe we were just given a bad lot of genes, maybe not...but the main thing is we are all here now having this journey, travelling it together. PM me if you would like an extra cheerleader on your side Congrats on having the sleeve, welcome to the losers bench, and don't sweat the small stuff, you'll get through all of the food stages, you'll drop the weight, and you'll be that skinny girl you've always been on the inside

[Butterflyhigh 504]

I can not help you as I am still pre-op...but what you have expressed are many of the things I am afraid of too. I constantly go back and forth between knowing this is the right decision for my long-term health and happiness and thinking that I must be crazy to voluntarily cut out 80% of my very much needed internal organ! That's nuts!!

I am also down on myself for not being able to do this without taking such drastic action. I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I am a very strong woman, but I cannot stand up against my dysfunctional food relationship. Why must I be so weak?

I am scared about loosing my ability to eat, even though my ability to eat is a huge source of unhappiness for me. I LOVE food. I love to cook. I love to sit outside on a hot day and eat lots of cold watermelon. I love putting together a big pot of crab legs, shellfish, and corn on the cob, dumping it on a newspaper lined picnic table and diving in with a large group of friends. I love grilling steak! I make from scratch pie crust, handpick blueberries and strawberries, and make the most delicious fruit pie you'll ever eat. When I think about all of the major life changes I am about to make I really start freaking out and second guessing my choice to get sleeved.

However I keep bringing my thoughts back to my big fat tummy, the way I HATE how I look in clothes, the embarrassment I feel at being the fattest girl of our friends. When I start to doubt my decision I force myself to focus on the positives of loosing my excess weight. I have a favorite website full of beautiful dresses that I WILL BE WEARING this time next year! I go to that site and fill up the on-line cart full of my future purchases. I remind myself that I will be able to eat all of the same good foods, just much less of them.

If it is a trade-off between eating as much as I can now or being thin and happy with my appearance, I will sacrifice my current relationship with food. I am still very afraid of regretting my decision, and I am sure that there will be times when I DO regret it....but I am keeping the faith that by one year post-op I will be a thin, happy, healthy woman who looks lovely in her breezy summer dresses and is not ruled and controlled by her appetite for food.

Good Luck! Keep us posted on your progress.

[Chelenka 827]

Hi Shelby: you are doing great and I can relate to so much you have written. Your family sounds so wonderful and such great parents! You are blessed, girl! I think genetics plays a big role in why one person is fat and another isn't. I'm the ONLY fat person in my entire family including cousins. But my dad is a big, think football player, type of man and his mother was always worrying about her weight. She wasn't fat though, just a tall, elegant, busty woman. So how come I got so fat?! Well, I wish I could say it is all because of my genes and I too have thyroid disease. But, alas, I have to be honest and admit that I am a HUGE emotional eater and I learned to use food for comfort and calming at an early age. food has bern my closest friend and worst enemy. So my decision to get this surgery wasn't an easy one. It was very hard in the beginning emotionally, as I felt like I was on. Roller coaster of emotions, enjoying the weight loss bur grieving for my dear friend food! And, the weight loss has gone faster then I expected (last two weeks excepted) and that was freaking me out too! "Who the hell am I?" I wondered.

All I can say is that the eating and food issue had gotten easier. I can eat pretty much what ever I choose but in smaller amounts. I do find high-sugar foods make me feel kind of yucky so Zi try to limit that and also, I am a sugar junkie so it can set me off into a binge of junk food. Then I feel miserable and guilty which is my old viscous cycle of behavior.

I think you are a brave and beautiful lady. Hang in there, it does get easier with time.

pre-surgery weight 325; surgery date 2/28/2013; surgery weight 307; 8 weeks past-op weight 281.4; 12 weeks post-op 274; 4 month post-op 266.2; 5 month post-op 262.6

[Ahealthyme2013 39]

I've finally decided to write down how I feel' date=' and it was NOT a fun time.. I'm 8 days post op down 13 ish lbs, and overall doing pretty good, but my mind is being torn into places I have never imagined. I've spent basically 1/3 of my life being obese, since I was maybe 13-14, and I TRULY HONESTLY don't know how I got here. I know some people say that to cover up a habit or an obsession but I swear to all that is holy I do not remember how this STARTED. I remember being "normal" at 13 and then I remember being "big boned" at 15 and I remember being 225-250lbs at 16. I hit puberty VERY early, between 9 and 10, and shortly after I developed huge boobs. Sorry to be blunt but I was 10 with a B cup and they've never stopped growing. Aside from the busty chest I wasn't big anywhere else. My family didn't have money to eat out, it would almost only be on special occasion. My mom would work nights as a cook (a damn good one) and my dad would work until 5 or 6 as a well driller, so when my mom left at 3 she would either have supper started or to the point where it just had to be put in the oven. And when I say she was a good cook I mean the kind that could make you cry. She ALWAYS had balanced meals, fruit, veggie, meat. A few typical meals would be spaghetti, green Beans, and watermelon. Or roast, potatoes, carrots. Or steaks(we are huge grillers), baked potatoes and asparagus. We weren't picky kids, aside from not liking onions or spicy food or little preferences like that. My mom is tiny, she's 52 and a size 7. She wears bikinis and looks smoking hot. No cellulite no stretch marks, she's gorgeous. My dad is the picture of health, aside from genetic thyroid problems and some hearing loss. He's maybe 180lbs and ripped. My sister was borderline anorexic through high school maybe tipping the scale at 150 when she was pregnant. And my brother got chubby about the same time that I did, but has since lost all extra weight (due to drug issues) and is "normal". We didn't have much money for Snacks in our house either, fruit was always accessible and vegetables were usually grown fresh so we had plenty. Every once in a while there were potato chips or pop tarts or Cereal but these things were eaten for Breakfast and only breakfast. It's just what you did. When wed get home from school we'd have a snack, an apple, a fruit snack, a bowl of chips, something. But never to the amount of excess because it just wasn't allowed. We regularly had pop available to us but my mom would only buy 2 liters so we had enough for maybe a glass a day for 3 days and then it was gone for a few weeks. School lunches I ate what was given and never took seconds (couldn't afford it), which were the basic meat veggie fruit bun milk lunches. Anyway, my story could go on forever but the point of me telling you this is because I just don't UNDERSTAND how I got this way, when MILLIONS of children had my exact upbringing and are of "normal" size.

I had the sleeve surgery to help with weight loss. I had lost weight on my own before, but never enough to make a difference, to make me healthier, to get pregnant. So I got the sleeve as a TOOL to help me relearn to eat. I am 100% positive that once I get to a manageable weight I could get rid of the sleeve (impossible I know) and be a-ok for the rest of my life and stay on track with a healthy lifestyle. I have developed a hypo thyroid due to genetics, as well as PCOS, and high blood pressure, no doubt due to my weight. So for me, losing weight isn't as easy as those without the thyroid issue. No I am not blaming my thyroid but it is a big part of the problem!!!

Since having the surgery I lay awake for 40-48 hours at a time and search (this forum) for foods like French fries, starburst, ice cream, and I try to reason and investigate why I got to where I am. I am completely closed off with the world. My husband has only known me as obese, my family is just as confused as I am as to why I got this big, and my friends love me no matter what but of course they're all stick thin so I don't bother venting to them. I am made sick at night thinking about WHY I had to resort to the sleeve. As happy as I am, WHY was this my only option? WHY couldn't I lose weight like others? WHY did I have such extreme options when it came to getting healthier.

I need a friend. I need someone who can help me come to grips with WHY this decision HAD to be made (and I do believe that it HAD to be made). This is my last resort. I support the sleeve and I believe in it but how do I go on living my life with half a stomach and continue to have confidence in myself when I couldn't even lose weight by myself? I had to cut myself to pieces because I COULDN'T DO IT.

Sorry for the long rant, hopefully someone will read this ridiculously long post and feel the same way I do. And maybe offer some support.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 311 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST[/quote']

Shelby, I'm so sorry you are having all of these feelings. I can relate to the feeling of beating yourself wondering why we couldn't do it differently and had to resort to surgery. My surgery will be in August and I am having a lot of the same thoughts although my family is mostly obese. I wish you the best and hope you find your true self and health for the test of your life.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

Me too! I've gotten some negative comments from time to time when I post about the things that I still eat and have no intention of depriving myself in the least. I eat candy, chips, ice cream, pop corn with a boatload of butter - anything I want. As you get further out you will notice the restriction. It's unforgiving. So when I saw I am eating this or that it isn't much of it at all because I'm too full. I lose slowly but its ok with me. I am down 34.5 pounds as of today and feel fine about my progress.

You live how you want Shelby and don't worry what anyone thinks. You are very early out and I promise you are not yet feeling the amount of restriction that you are going to feel. SO be careful for a couple months and give yourself time to heal. But by all means - if you want a little taste of something then have one. I don't wanna live the rest of my life not having some Pepsi, candy, or whatever. Use your good sense and make your own path. You are gonna do great!

I don't want to sound mean, but I need to say that you need to learn to change your eating habits. You have a lot of restriction the first couple of years. Things like

candy ice cream and chips will slide right down. You will be able to consume just as much as this stuff as you did before you were sleeved.

There is a thread, how many vets are actually staying at goal. In there we talk about gaining weight back.

I personally know people who have gained all of their weight back.

[shelbyschroepfer 35]

I don't want to sound mean' date=' but I need to say that you need to learn to change your eating habits. You have a lot of restriction the first couple of years. Things like

candy ice cream and chips will slide right down. You will be able to consume just as much as this stuff as you did before you were sleeved.

There is a thread, how many vets are actually staying at goal. In there we talk about gaining weight back.

I personally know people who have gained all of their weight back.[/quote']

I understand that and I appreciate your input. I plan on changing my eating habits, though I have been pursuing this surgery since January of 2012 so I have already changed very much of my diet, however I do feel more passionate and relate more closely to Sharon just as far as her attitude towards food goes. I am the kind of person who wants something so much more as soon as she's told she can't have it. Not only food. I know my personality and I know that a restrictive diet would not work for me. I admire those who can follow it but it simply isn't for me!

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

[shelbyschroepfer 35]

I can not help you as I am still pre-op...but what you have expressed are many of the things I am afraid of too. I constantly go back and forth between knowing this is the right decision for my long-term health and happiness and thinking that I must be crazy to voluntarily cut out 80% of my very much needed internal organ! That's nuts!!

I am also down on myself for not being able to do this without taking such drastic action. I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I am a very strong woman' date=' but I cannot stand up against my dysfunctional food relationship. Why must I be so weak?

I am scared about loosing my ability to eat, even though my ability to eat is a huge source of unhappiness for me. I LOVE food. I love to cook. I love to sit outside on a hot day and eat lots of cold watermelon. I love putting together a big pot of crab legs, shellfish, and corn on the cob, dumping it on a newspaper lined picnic table and diving in with a large group of friends. I love grilling steak! I make from scratch pie crust, handpick blueberries and strawberries, and make the most delicious fruit pie you'll ever eat. When I think about all of the major life changes I am about to make I really start freaking out and second guessing my choice to get sleeved.

However I keep bringing my thoughts back to my big fat tummy, the way I HATE how I look in clothes, the embarrassment I feel at being the fattest girl of our friends. When I start to doubt my decision I force myself to focus on the positives of loosing my excess weight. I have a favorite website full of beautiful dresses that I WILL BE WEARING this time next year! I go to that site and fill up the on-line cart full of my future purchases. I remind myself that I will be able to eat all of the same good foods, just much less of them.

If it is a trade-off between eating as much as I can now or being thin and happy with my appearance, I will sacrifice my current relationship with food. I am still very afraid of regretting my decision, and I am sure that there will be times when I DO regret it....but I am keeping the faith that by one year post-op I will be a thin, happy, healthy woman who looks lovely in her breezy summer dresses and is not ruled and controlled by her appetite for food.

Good Luck! Keep us posted on your progress.[/quote']

There's so many styles and outfits I would love to be able to fit into next summer. Honestly I've been pretty balsy with being able to show skin and feel ok. Once I turned 18-19 I started to draw attention from guys, and not just fat ones! So I developed huge confidence and I was actually very happy with where I was, clearly I always would've rathered be smaller but I wasn't depressed over it like in high school. So for me, fashion has always kind of just worked. The bigger I got, the more expensive clothes got. So for me I can not WAIT to be able to buy up all these frilly tiny skeezy shirts that go for 5$ a piece. That will be when I sit back and say "yep I've made it".

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

[shelbyschroepfer 35]

Shelby' date='

My story is different from yours, but my conclusion was the same. Why, How? I actually grew up with 2 obese parents. My mother was the master of (what I call) 'Fat ass' Southern cooking. She was a stay at home mom most the time, and I can remember her taking a 9X13 cake, cutting it into quarters (there were 4 of us, my parents and 1 sister) and we would all sit down with a fork and eat our 1/4 of a cake. If we didn't eat it all, my father would readily finish what we hadn't, so we would all typically finish our 1/4 in less than 15 minutes. That was just my childhood, my sister and I were chubby as kids, but she 'grew out of' her weight when she got braces and said food was too painful to eat, and I grew out of mine in high school as typical adolescent teenagers do.

My sister put her weight back on in college, and my parents took off quite a bit, my mother has kept most of hers off now, by doing Adkins when I was in my 20's. My father has always yo-yo'd with his weight. I was very slim through my early twenties until I moved from Thailand where I'd been for 5 years to Wisconsin to get married. The weight readily and quickly piled on as my lifestyle changed drastically, pre-packaged food, sedetary lifestyle, SAD (seasonal affective disorder), and LOTS of beer and cheese (Yay Wisconsin!). A long divorce 4 years later, moving back to AZ and a new marriage to a man who was also morbidly obese saw me tipping the scales at 265.

I saw my mother have to go through a triple by-pass, and she is on high blood pressure and cholesterol meds, my father has an enlarged heart, has had a heart attack and stints put in, he also has bad knees and is on a slew of meds, my mother in law who is also morbidly obese is practically home bound, and the final straw was when my sister told me her cholesterol was so high her Dr. advised her to stop breast feeding her youngest and get on a statin before she had a stroke or heart attack.

I personally have no medical issues, in fact I thought it was funny my Dr. would always say to me 'you are in very good health for being as big as you are'. I was a very happy fat person, my husband is still a very happy fat person. However, the light bulb went off for me-I AM NOT INVINCIBLE-! I may have been healthy and big, but if I kept down that road...it would probably be a short one.

I had done many a diet, my love-hate diet was Medifast. I HATE the taste of artificial orange ANYTHING because of that diet. I had been round and round with diets that didn't work for 6 years. Then I read an article. I wish I could find it so I could link it here, but the article was about how people who have more than 100 pounds to lose and then actually do lose the weight, without surgical intervention, only 3% are successful. :/ 3%?!?! I couldn't believe it...or maybe I could. Would I ever be 3%? I didn't think so. In fact, I know not so.

When I started to research WLS I started out thinking I could get the band, then have it removed after a few years...but reality struck me, no other diet had ever worked, what made me think getting a band losing weight then having it removed would work? The more i researched the more I found that talked about the horrors of the band and how it could erode etc. I always thought by-pass was way too invasive, but then I found the sleeve.

I found this forum especially to be helpful, I really enjoyed reading about people that were researching and just starting, but then I began to read about the veterans also, and I discovered that I really could stick with the sleeve. Yes the first few weeks and months suck, liquid stage, pureed stage, mushies, soft food, but as I got further and further out from surgery, I loved that I didn't and still for the most part don't have hunger anymore, and that I don't have food cravings anything like I used to either. I am 8 1/2 months out, and this is the best thing I've ever done for myself. You can and will eat ice cream and chips again, but you will eat them in moderation. You will eat star bursts and French fries, and you might even enjoy them, but thankfully, you'll probably never enjoy a super sized Mc Donalds fry with a quarter pounder and a huge coke again. This is a good thing!!

I feel very zen about the why. I am not bothered by it like I was at the beginning. I don't mind much if people know I had the surgery, if they want to judge me, so be it. I am still horrible about exercise and know I would be much closer to goal if I did. I have Cookies or chips or some cake now and then, but I don't eat 1/4 of a 9X13 anymore <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' /> I hope reading my story makes you realize that even though all of us have come from different diverse back grounds, we are all here together. Maybe we will never know why, maybe we were just given a bad lot of genes, maybe not...but the main thing is we are all here now having this journey, travelling it together. PM me if you would like an extra cheerleader on your side <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' /> Congrats on having the sleeve, welcome to the losers bench, and don't sweat the small stuff, you'll get through all of the food stages, you'll drop the weight, and you'll be that skinny girl you've always been on the inside <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />[/quote']

Again it's approaches like yours that I just love. It's comforting to know that I can have foods I enjoy and still lose and be healthy. Maybe I'm sounding too naive for others to understand so here is my thought... How much strength would it take to have ONE cookie ONCE every few weeks and put the box back and not have another. To me that's power in epic proportions. But on the same note I am going to be the girl who is out with her friends who are having cheese fries and buffalo wings and I would still LOVE a delicious salad, seafood, or sushi. I love healthy food don't get me wrong I could live off of cucumbers, asparagus, Brussel sprouts and fruit, but I like some apples and caramel now and then. I might wanna indulge in bacon wrapped asparagus once a Super Bowl, and I love my cucumber with vinegar and sour cream in a salad. Those are things I'm excited about eating in moderation.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST

[shelbyschroepfer 35]

Just some more insight to my frustration.

I am OBSESSED with cooking. I was registered to go to Le Cordon Bleu 3 years ago an my financial aid fell through. I swear the food channel is on in my house 20 hours a day. My mom is a cook and has been my whole life and I've truly wanted to do nothing but cook food for people. To speak to them through my cooking. To explore cultures through what they consume. I watch anything on the travel channel about other cultures, BBQ, that nasty guy who eats bugs and even the relatively SMALL guy who eats 7lb sandwiches. I RESPECT food the way a marksman respects his rifle. I know the dangers of it, I know what damage it can do, and yet I choose to use it with care and discretion.

My frustration is when people like Rachel ray (an idol of mine) or giada dilerentes who are amazingly gorgeous, yes I know they probably have trainers who work them like dogs 6 days a week but still they eat rich and savory and cheese and bubbly and spicy delicious food probably for every meal, and yet they are able to maintain, they practice MODERATION. I think my 5th tattoo will literally be the word MODERATION. So much we do in life can be enjoyed if in moderation. Drinking, horrible for you, but in moderation it's unlikely that it will kill you. Indoor tanning, hello cancer, but in moderation it is OK!!!! This is all I'm saying people! I'm not trying to cheat my way around the sleeve, that is why I opted to FORGET the band, because its too easy to eat around it. I want to succeed and I want to enjoy life as well. I'm determined to have both.

I do know some chefs cook healthy options like bobby flay is always grilling fish and lean meats and vegetables which sounds AMAZING, but every couple weeks he makes a po boy, or fish and chips, or a big f***in torte/cake/triffle. I'm going to TRY to make that lifestyle work. Only I can make me succeed. All the bloggers in the world can hate the mentality but only I can sink the ship.

SW: 324 DOSW: 322 CW: 309 surgery date-7/10/13 Sent from my iPhone using VST