I now understand why divorces happen after WLS

[rachel marie 42]

I have been married for 2.5 years. I had surgery March 18, 2013. Almost 4 months post op. I was a low BMI with only about 100lbs ideally to lose. I have lost 73lbs since my surgery, and have felt very disconnected from life and food. The biggest argument in my house is that I no longer cook meals. I try very hard to cook things that everyone including myself can eat, but my husband is not happy with the meals. So I have boycotted cooking. I feed my two small children and allow him to fend for him self. He is very non supportive of my surgery and my marriage is falling apart. I enjoy being smaller and feeling better about my self, but there is also a part of me that thinks, damn I should have stayed over weight and unhappy with myself so that everyone else could be pleased. I feel at a loss all the time.

[KatInFL 216]

I have been married for 2.5 years. I had surgery March 18, 2013. Almost 4 months post op. I was a low BMI with only about 100lbs ideally to lose. I have lost 73lbs since my surgery, and have felt very disconnected from life and food. The biggest argument in my house is that I no longer cook meals. I try very hard to cook things that everyone including myself can eat, but my husband is not happy with the meals. So I have boycotted cooking. I feed my two small children and allow him to fend for him self. He is very non supportive of my surgery and my marriage is falling apart. I enjoy being smaller and feeling better about my self, but there is also a part of me that thinks, damn I should have stayed over weight and unhappy with myself so that everyone else could be pleased. I feel at a loss all the time.

I'm so sorry you are having problems. It's tough in any relationship when one spouse or the other goes through drastic changes. I hope y'all can see a counselor or someone to help you both navigate your way through this.

~Kat

[BigDaddyJoe 246]

So sorry you are going through this. My wife and I were both sleeved, so we are in the same boat.

[melissa130 135]

2.5 years is still newlywed time. Is he overweight?

[Wayless 52]

I agree with Kat, take it slow and try to get some help, maybe a counselor can help you understand one another's perspective and move forward. Congrarulations on your weight loss.

[Julie Milstead 13]

I'm sorry that you're going thru this. I am only 3 weeks post-op. I am lucky in that my husband has been very supportive so far. He is also overweight but is dieting using Weight Watchers. I hope that things don't change between us when I really start losing, but I have heard that these things happen.

I hope that you will be able to reconnect with your husband. He is probably feeling insecure and left out. But you have to do what is best for your health. Is there a way that you can have a "date night" or even a "couples weekend" where you could have a heart-to-heart talk with him? I'm with the earlier post that recommended couples counseling also, if all else fails. Communication is key to any relationship. I wish you the best of luck!

[HappyCat 70]

I agree that counseling is the way to go. I wish you all the best and hope you and your hubby can work this out. Deep down, he probably does want you to be healthier and may need a little perspective from an objective third party in how to communicate that to you. You are probably a great cook and he is feeling maybe a kind of "food funeral by proxy" if you know what I mean.

[Canary Diamond 186]

Sounds like a selfish bastard who wants you to stay fat for his sake. You were probably much easier to control that way. I sympathize with you and don't mean to belittle your relationship, but his behavior is inexcusable and you have no obligation to put up with it. There are worse fates than divorce.

[serenity1959 67]

I am afraid that I will be in the same boat after my surgery. My DH and I both work full time, but he expects me to cook him a meal every night (except Friday which is eat out night). He likes very fatty, unhealthy meals and flat out refuses to eat fish, that is supposed to be one of my after-surgery staples and which I like. He says that I am lucky he is so supportive of my surgery but tells me frequently that it is "unnecessary surgery." He is going with me to Mexico but I still don't feel very supported. I am sorry that you are having problems, too. How were things with the two of you prior to the surgery?

[NewAshes 232]

Wls is a big life change. I'm sorry to hear that its causing problems try counseling.

[PGee 318]

So sorry you're going through this. If you two can't work it out yourselves, try to seek out counseling if you can.....good luck.

In May I told DH the first week following WLS, while I'm on Clear liquids, he's on his own....he thinks I was kidding..... ...I think he's in for a rude awakening

[BKLYNgal87 503]

I am afraid that I will be in the same boat after my surgery. My DH and I both work full time, but he expects me to cook him a meal every night (except Friday which is eat out night). He likes very fatty, unhealthy meals and flat out refuses to eat fish, that is supposed to be one of my after-surgery staples and which I like. He says that I am lucky he is so supportive of my surgery but tells me frequently that it is "unnecessary surgery." He is going with me to Mexico but I still don't feel very supported. I am sorry that you are having problems, too. How were things with the two of you prior to the surgery?

You don't both work full time. He works one job and you clearly work two [homemaking is a full time job - double full time]. You don't feel supported because he's not being supportive. Sorry but it's true. Methinks you two should really have counseling together before your surgery. You and he need to work out a plan that works for both of you so he doesn't sabotage your weight loss. Spouses have been known to do that. SMH.

[rachel marie 42]

The day I came home from the hospital he expected me to cook him a full meal. It became so stressful for me that I started to smoke again because it was the only vice I had. The second day home he called me selfish because I refused to stand in the kitchen for 2 hours frying chicken for 8 people. I understand that I am a wife and a mother and that I do have some responsibilities, but damn is there a common ground somewhere?

[BKLYNgal87 503]

The day I came home from the hospital he expected me to cook him a full meal. It became so stressful for me that I started to smoke again because it was the only vice I had. The second day home he called me selfish because I refused to stand in the kitchen for 2 hours frying chicken for 8 people. I understand that I am a wife and a mother and that I do have some responsibilities, but damn is there a common ground somewhere?

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership in this day and age - not a transaction. Common ground can be found best, in my opinion, in therapy. You had this surgery to improve your health and quality of life, so that you could be there for your children longer - am I right? This wasn't a selfish, cosmetic decision.

Perhaps the most basic fact in the universe is that things change. People change. This is one of the main reasons why divorce happens. But it doesn't have to be the logical conclusion. If both parties want it enough, a compromise can be reached. Maybe you and your husband can look up new healthy recipes and he can pick what looks good, maybe he can help you prepare dinner, maybe a couple nights a week you can eat something simple that doesn't require prep work. These are things to try while under guidance of a professional. If that doesn't work and your husband still isn't supporting you, then you'll have some tougher decisions to make. But you haven't been married that long and you still have plenty of solid options for resolution. Best of luck to you.

[journeybegins05032013 8]

This suggestion won't cure the root of the problem like counseling will get at but it might help the food situation. Have you looked into services that deliver meals? We have ones like 12 meals in 2 hours where you go to a kitchen and in 2 hours they assist you making 12 meals to freeze, or healthy chef for people who want a calorie controlled diet- pick up for all meals is two times a week. All these options are a bit pricey but it is an idea. Maybe you could look into recipes that you can make batches of and freeze. The role of food provider has been abandoned and he is feeling left out.