gain goal regain How was your 5:2 day today?

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Love Amy, really want to see it....

Had my knee shot up today, so far so good. My other knee was starting to hurt because I was favoring it... hope this gets me back on track for a while.....

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

I hope so too Kim. It's awful when our body parts don't co-operate with us. I wish the shots would have helped my back.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Kim, you're not getting a cortisone shot, are you? Short term gain for serious long term losses, cortisone eats away at the very connective tissue it is alleviating, eventually resulting in worse crippling and the need for replacement.

213.2 this morning, for no reason. I'm not exercising, I know that everyone in the greater sleeve community will pounce on this as the AHA! reason for my slow loss but it isn't. 7 years ago I went on a faithful diet and exercise regimen, under the care of a personal trainer and doctor. I exercised responsibly 5 days a week, three of which were with the trainer, and ate a carefully monitored and calibrated diet of 1400 calories a day. Guess what? I lost 4 pounds a month. Did that for 5 months before my sorrow overcame me. I was probably 40 pounds heavier then, than I am now.

I do miss exercising, very much, but I feel so inadequate now, and like everything I do is pointless. What's the point of any of it? Why wear make up or nice clothes, I won't look good in them, I'm not getting positive attention in any way, regardless of how I present myself so, what's the point? What's the point in trying at my job, when I get shot down constantly, am second-guessed into oblivion, and have zero agency. What's the point in eating conscientiously when I see zero results in health or weight? What's the point in keeping up my hair color, I feel no better about myself due to it. What's the point in plucking my eyebrows or getting electrolysis when nobody is looking anyway?

Don't worry, I'm not considering self harm, I just don't see the point to any of it, because I know too much about the world and the way it works, and have seen beyond the bullshit fairytales we get crammed down our throats.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

I'm sorry you're so down! Are you sure talking to someone wouldn't help? I would exercise anyway, if I felt good enough, because afterwards I am in such a better mood. those endorphins really make a difference. I wouldn't care what others thought of me at the gym. I love weight training and how it makes me feel. Don't pay attention to what other people are doing.

You need to feel better for yourself, not for anybody else, because you do matter. You matter to yourself and to us, and I"m sure to others.

I had this idea before I saw your post. Is anyone into chatting? We have a chat room now and we would probably be the only ones in there. I know we know each other well, but live chat is more personal and you really get to know someone really well.

We could set up a time and meet in there, or pm whoever says they like to chat and ask when a good day and time to meet in there would be? It's fun. sometimes it beats reading the same posts on here!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

How is chicago? I need to visit that city!

I obviously have no good advice on how to feel better... but I am a "fake it till you make it" believer. I had dinner last night with a pal who has a different kind of "blues" then i am subject to- she just shuts down. Doesn't think, doesn't feel, doesn't want to do anything but go to work and go home. She has been in this funk for a good long time... works maybe 70 plus hours a week because that is all she really has in her life right now.

I had shared (inadvertenly) how I feel so much better when I am active, connect with people, and infuse FUN into my everyday life. It doesn't necessarily fix things in my life, and maybe somethings aren't "fixable" but it makes the journey alot more enjoyable! I was feeling blue about my hip problem, my breast swelling, my love life, my farm and horse life etc etc. I wasn't intending to give advice, as a talkative, wear my heart on my sleeve kinda person i often share my own insights as part of my process - not about giving advice - but she acted on it.

Saturday night she rousted me into going out - it is hard to say no when a pal like her finally actually WANTs to go do something. Then she drug me back to 2 step Tuesday even though I wasn't going to go this week. Then, she spontanously asked me to dinner last night. I cannot maintain this schedule...haha... but she told me should could not believe how much better she feels. It is like she had to force herself to step out the door and start living a little... and then wants to keep doing it! she is a lifelong introvert so I know this is WAY too much for her but it is kind of priming the pump a little into enjoying each day.

Truth of the matter is I find lots of reasons to hate myself. I was raised by a father who constantly told me how worthless, fat, ugly stupid and essentially a waste of space I was. That voice still speaks to me at times and after years of counseling etc etc I am somewhat resigned to the fact that I will probably always struggle a bit emotionally. I am pissed that I am still dealing with obesity problems (my joint issues, my boob issue etc) when I want it to be in the PAST but it is my reality.

It is okay to be pissed, but I am NOT going to let it steal the breaths I have left. My biggest "regret" in life - and i don't believe in regrets since it is a complete waste - but my biggest regret is that i let some of my emotional baggage interfere with living a full life at times. I can blame it on the obesity, but my weight was not actually the central issue - it was the self hatred, anxiety, and a whole slew of other things. I argue that thin does not equal happy or contentment. When we get so focused on one thing, we miss out on living a full life. Well, that is my experience anyway.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I just want to feel beautiful, feel desired, and not just in a sexual way. I want people to want to be my friend, to want to be around me, spend time with me, I want people to want to be my lover, my buddy, my friend. I want to have people in my life who want to DO things. And I am just so sad about my body. 212.2 today, after 63 days of this, only 11 pounds. Last year I lost 22 lbs in 60 days....

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

So does anyone like the chat room idea? We could live talk to each other if we set up a time ahead of time.

I've had a great time in Chicago doing what I could do that won't cause a lot of pain. I did take pain pills the times I knew I needed to walk a lot and there was no way around it. They help a lot.

I'm back on the dating profile sights and I really need help with my profile. I am not a good writer. Is anyone here who is willing to help me?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

People can love you. ..regardless of your weight. I think loving others is a good way to invite this into your life. Dan is a loving person, for example, he exudes acceptance and love without even needing to be " in love".

Not much of a chatter Denise, but I am happy to look at your profile and critique. Have any guy pals who would look at it for you?

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I think wanting to be loved is a catch 22... When you already love life, accept yourself and act from wisdom based trust and have found happiness, then you are a magnate for loves attention. Healthy lovers. When you are filled with doubt, mistrust, self hate, and fear of failing... then you attract unhealthy lovers and friends that will end in your worst fears. What can we do to become more healthy ourselves, so we might enjoy our lives with or without "the man"?

My list?

-Do for others (I try to use my skills to improve the life of others...not to make them owe me, or like me better...)

-exercise ( in a way that is enjoyable to me... not just for physical results, but for self expression results in my case... Dance, walking in nature, kayaking....)- things I can do alone, but often end up doing with someone else. People always ask if they can go with me... I am often a loner, but I end up getting out with others more now...

-make art and make some effort to share it (teaching, showing....)

-learn something new that I can immerse myself in... birdwatching, genealogy were my latest go tos..

-meditation. Can soften the mind without losing the ability to focus. There are great "attachment" meditations out there... it is after all considered a sign of ignorance in Buddhism... Attachment has caused me most of my suffering. It still does, but softening its grip, pealing away its hindrance to happiness is a help.

-Even if you are not thinking about doing yourself harm, you are depressed. No Fun. Get help. At some points, we may not be able to think our selves out of this pit.... no mater how smart we are.

These are things I have done, and continue to do when I remember too... that have helped me...your list may be completely different...

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I have never used a chat room.... I love you all, and would like to meet you some time... I have a crazy repulsion to making phone calls... (?!) and feel a little bit like that about chat rooms....don't know why.... when I end up on a forum page like this, at the same time as someone else, and we comment back and forth.. I don't mind it at all... so don't know why a chat room would be any different....

[UK Cathy 977]

I mainly use an iPad to access and the chat function does not appear. Plus the time difference, I do not think it would work for me.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

^{Kim it really isn't any different than in here. We would not be able able to talk at once. It's kind of fun, when there is actually something to talk about!}

^{I am back in Portland. I'm glad to be back in Oregon. It was supposed to be 95 today but the weatherman was way wrong on that one and I am glad. It's only 75.}

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Having breast mri today. I am wound up and terrified of the claustrophobia. They promise me drugs to calm me but I having a pre anxiety attack over it!

What I keep telling myself is that I need this to know next steps... so it will reduce stress. I just hate medical tests and especially claustrophobic ones!

[UK Cathy 977]

Cheryl, hope it all goes well and that you get some answers.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Positive vibes headed your way CherylJane!

While I completely understand the "find healing within and you will find joy without" concept, it is also in a sort of way, a bit "blame the victim". It is basically saying that it is my fault that I only receive toxic lovers.

I'm never going to be emotionally perfect. I am critical, and cutting, and given to bouts of bleakness. I am not tidy and am an avoider and am loyal. That last is now firmly in the lowlights category, as it has only ever brought disappointment and pain.

I can be silly, and goofy, and am helpful and considerate and kind. I find beauty in almost all things.

I think the word "deserve" is toxic when applied to good and bad things that happen to you in your private life. Things are the way they are, whether you understand them or not.

Yet, there is a fine line between fatalism and zen acceptance.

I was 211 three days ago, this morning I am 213, even though I ate no more than 600 cals every day of the weekend.