gain goal regain How was your 5:2 day today?

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Cathy, they really are as delicious as they sound, the "cheese sauce" was fantastic! My Mounds balls were so decadent and a thousand times tastier than store bought.

I don't know how to keep myself from being treated like a dirty little secret.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Well, I think that we all have a right to dress and look and behave the way we want. however, those choices have consequences. In every photo I have seen of Kim she looks great and to my eye, very artsy. Love her sense of style, but if she was trying to get a job as an actuary, maybe a little adjustment would be helpful ... right?

I am sharing that someone gave me very specific feedback about me (not anyone else) and I am curious enough to give it a try. I believe I am not very good at flirting and I can see how all the pieces sort of fit together to make me less approachable (in some cases anyway) than I really intend to project. I am unwilling to try to hide/change/alter my personality and the basics of who I am, cut or straighten my hair, but it wouldn't kill me to give a slightly different styling and tops a "go" and see what happens. I think I have even changed my idea for my halloween costume for the big party as a result of this chat. I was gonna be a warrior queen type thing (Boudica) but that is just more exaggerated form of the same hard look. I might do something really girlie girl! Ha!

I remember when I was about 25 a young woman I worked with told me that she loved listening to me and how "you talk like a book, but i don't really understand you". That was enlightening... and I adapted my verbal communication when dealing with the clerks on that team after that....

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Oh god, Cheryl, you just described the way people have described what it is like to talk to me! I have always used my vocabulary as a first line of defense. On dates I have worn everything from frayed button down and jeans with my hair in a kerchief, to Mad Men sleek sheath dress with Jimmy Choo pumps. No makeup and tired to full glam flawless. They are never interested in me the person and they almost never come back for more.

There is an exception to this of course... there is someone that ... I don't want to be in love with. We had only two weeks together before he left for OCS (Officer Candidate School). He showed me greater respect, caring, consideration, acceptance, kindness and desire than I have ever experienced, ever. We are writing letters while he is gone, and I made sure to have a talk with him before he left about how I must continue to date freely and he must focus on his task. I go on these other dates, I even fool around a bit, and I feel nothing. I think of him instead. Also, I think not having a job is starting to get to me.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Well, I think you know what I think of online dating - it sucks and I think there is a reason that people are on those sites month after month. My profile is hidden and I am not meeting anyone these days. I am going to meetup stuff, where the pickins are slim, but at least they are real men not afraid to engage in social events etc. At least its FUN. I find that the light in the eye and energy in the step is way more important to me than what I can glean from a profile.

i have the exact same experience with the "coffee dates" - I am just bored...no interest. That is part of the reason I was so pissed off at the whole Theo thing, he had huge flaws but at least I could stand his company .. even enjoy his company for all day events, even if we weren't going down a romantic path. there is some merit to being with people who you actually enjoy the time you spend.

I am doing much better with meeting guys, like I am finally getting better at picking up social clues. Whether it be meetup events, the parking lot (I wrote about that in the ladies room - although he hasn't called me yet, that was a HOOT! I feel so much more confident now that i have found my "line" which is "I'd like to talk to you again" and it is up to them to ask for a number or say, maybe I'll see you in the parking lot again..haha... easy out for him and low on rejection for me) and last weekend at a concert even. I just feel more connection to people that I meet in what feels like authentic ways. I think it is just the way I am wired.

Anyway, it has been a wild process and I am feeling like i am gaining insights about myself in the meantime.

Steven is still around but freaking out about something. I stay away from him when he is in anxiety provoking mode now, one of my lessons learned... he is good with that as he knows it stresses me out...and it stresses him out to deal with someone when he is like that too so all good. I sure wish he was the whole package though because I am drawn to him like a moth to a bug zapper!

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I don't think that online dating is correlated to the way men treat/perceive me... And all three relationships that I have had have resulted from online dating, one remains a dear dear friend, the other ... doesn't, and the current one, well, I care for a great deal and do not know the future.

I NEED A JOBBB! My anxiety is to the point where breathing deeply is difficult. Also, I have a friend's wedding coming up and without money I will not be able to attend, which is ironic because this friend is someone I loaned a considerable amount of money to, back when I had it to give.

I just want to be worthwhile, to have worth, to have a point, to feel joy and desire again...

Today's food so far, pumpkin puree, raw coconut, chickpeas.

Edited October 8, 2014 by Globetrotter

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

Sheryl, I love your hair too. What products do you use on it?

 

I'm lucky because I can use curl spray. I like Redkin right now.  and get it  really curly by scrunching it. Also I can  blow dry it straight with a round brush. . It's never really straight though, more like not frizzy, not curly, not straight, just with more body and the ends curl under when I blow it dry. Sometimes I will use Keritan Shampoo and that will make it almost completely straight for one day.

 

I really have no style of dress. I hate wearing bras and  I have no boobs so I pick tops that will not look horrible without a bra. That's how I choose clothes. My dress up clothes are all the same color, peach, red or various shades of pink.

 

Guys treat me differently since I had a face lift. They are so used to women in their 60's my age group and theirs, looking like their mother. I'm glad I am not online dating too, because they all look like my grand fathers to me.

 

Bill got a job. It's going to be so good for him. He's going to be a teacher and counselor  at an alternative school for at risk kids. They are all  around middle school age. He will only do this part time, but it will give him focus for his life, and he can meet new people as well.

 

How is everyone else doing? We have not heard from Brown in a long time!

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Well I just got a nasty wake up call - when I came back from Afghanistan I went shopping with my best friend, for some real clothes, Coldwater Creek was going out of business and they had these amazing jeans at like 70% off. I bought two pair, one a high rise snug pair that could almost be called a skinny jean, and the other a straight leg with a slightly more relaxed fit. Well, this morning I tried on the skinny jeans and ... couldn't even begin to get the buttoned. Yep, I laid down on the bed, exhaled, and attempted to button them and couldn't even begin to get the across my stomach, to the point where it was painful on internal organs. When I bought them they were snug but in the way they are supposed to be because that is the fit. So, yeah... even without weighing myself, I would say I am easily 20 lbs heavier then when I left Afghanistan 5 months ago

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

Florinda, you can take it off. You know what you're doing. It's hard when your life is so up in the air.

 how have you been feeling? Are you up to exercising? Protein veggies and water!

You know the drill!  Keep those jeans around where you can see them every once in awhile so you can stay motivated.

 

I sure wish we could go and dance together!!

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I know, it would be great to dance with you! I had about 600 cals for the past 3 days, today it was less than 500 but it isn't because of some newfound strength or motivation, it is because for some reason I eat one bite and I feel like a post-op. I also haven't been able to drink enough Water, I've been dehydrated, because I cannot force enough water down. :/

Today I made a paleo loaf from coconut flour; cashew butter, egg yolks, whipped egg whites, baking soda, salt, coconut flour. The end result is very light, like a merengue, but full of Protein. I had one slice and feel like a post-op who made a big mistake... that and a half a hamburger is all I've had today.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I haven't weighed all week and I am up a few pounds...yuck. Both boys living at home... lots of carbs, eating out etc.

Good news... no depression, anxiety or blues. I am 2 weeks off the anxiety meds and still feeling good.

I sold my pony because I just didn't have time for him (I trained him to pull a cart but never had time to do it). Makes me sad to see him go. I still have my riding horses of course - and they have been crying for him since he left yesterday.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

CherylJane I think you have the same chemical reaction to carbohydrates that I do, wherein they actually modulate your mood. So, we have to find ways to give ourselves these chemicals without stuffing our faces with baguettes...

So, something weird is happening; I mentioned this earlier, how I am having restriction all day everyday, without actually eating OR drinking anything. On the one hand yay because making calorie goal is suddenly easy, on the other hand this isn't good! This morning I had a 3inx1inx1/2in piece of coconut flour paleo bread with a smear of salted butter and a smear of marmalade. It has taken me almost two hours to eat this one piece and I still have a third of it left on the plate and I feel so awful, just like when we were post-ops and you would eat two bites of scrambled egg and then you would feel that horrible sensation..... and I'm not able to get down the liquids either, because of the same sensation. A tiny sip and I just don't WANT TO DRINK ANY MORE, you remember that feeling, post-op.

So, what is going on? Is it psychological? Is it physiological? Remember, I am four years out.

PS - it isn't the coconut flour paleo loaf's fault, this has been going on now for about four days.

Edited October 10, 2014 by Globetrotter

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Florinda, I have more restriction and am less hungry the less I eat... exact same thing you are describing. This is what happened to me last spring - whatever it was that triggered it to start, i had a hell of a time breaking the under eating pattern. It sounds really great to lose 10# in 3 weeks without trying, but i felt like shit - physically and emotionally. The problem is that under eating definately creates mood issues for me. It is a real balancing act. Of course now, I feel like I am overeating - i am not binging or anything "bad" but I am eating more that I can if i want to weigh 140...

Steven is a naturally skinny person and he has to force himself to eat. He gets really wound up sometimes (over real things, but reaction can be oversized) and i have noticed it is definately related to when he doesn't eat enough/well. He hired some pals to fix his truck and it is more messed up than ever and so he is having big conflict with them. Then, he broke a date with me because he was sick. well, he wasn't really sick with a bug, he just hadn't eaten in days and it caught up with him. He just doesn't experience hunger, he experiences not feeling good to remind himself to eat. Weird how we work.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I don't experience hunger either, it is one of those things that never came back for me after surgery, physically speaking feeling ill (dizzy or nauseous or irritable) are the way I know my body wants sustenance.

My things arrived from Afghanistan the other day, one of the items is my digital scale. I popped some fresh batteries in it and stepped on. My shame is so huge I don't want to share but I have to ....

forty pounds. According to the scale I am 37 pounds heavier than at my lowest at the start of April. So, I have gained forty pounds in 6 months. Correction, I have gained BACK the forty pounds that I lost last year, from October to March (5 months). This is an awful cycle and I don't want it to become a tradition - lose the same pounds every fall and winter, only to regain them every spring and summer, that's Funcked up!! I was doing so SO well, SO WELL!! I should have been to ultimate goal by now, including plastics!! It's so embarrassing, so humiliating.

But, Denise, you were right, I DO know how to lose it, and what is required and as much as these are "dirty words", it is going to take some discipline and some self-control and a DIET. It took 3 months to take off these pounds before (I lost a month and a half because my approach was all wrong and I was exercising and eating wrongly etc).

So, my New Year's resolution starts now: I vow to make the greatest effort I can, toward achieving the goal of losing this regain by Christmas. This time, I understand my body so much better than I ever did, I understand that I cannot get strong and fit at the same time as lose weight, that is just not how my body chooses to work. So, this time, I am going to only focus on my diet FIRST, get to goal, and THEN focus on fitness. It isn't the cookie-cutter model we have been forced to accept as the only truth for every body, but it is the truth of my body.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

CherylJane I think you have the same chemical reaction to carbohydrates that I do, wherein they actually modulate your mood. So, we have to find ways to give ourselves these chemicals without stuffing our faces with baguettes...

 

So, something weird is happening; I mentioned this earlier, how I am having restriction all day everyday, without actually eating OR drinking anything.  On the one hand yay because making calorie goal is suddenly easy, on the other hand this isn't good!  This morning I had a 3inx1inx1/2in piece of coconut flour paleo bread with a smear of salted butter and a smear of marmalade. It has taken me almost two hours to eat this one piece and I still have a third of it left on the plate and I feel so awful, just like when we were post-ops and you would eat two bites of scrambled egg and then you would feel that horrible sensation..... and I'm not able to get down the liquids either, because of the same sensation.  A tiny sip and I just don't WANT TO DRINK ANY MORE, you remember that feeling, post-op.

So, what is going on?  Is it psychological? Is it physiological?  Remember, I am four years out.

 

PS - it isn't the coconut flour paleo loaf's fault, this has been going on now for about four days.

 

 

I don't experience hunger either, it is one of those things that never came back for me after surgery, physically speaking feeling ill (dizzy or nauseous or irritable) are the way I know my body wants sustenance.  

 

My things arrived from Afghanistan the other day, one of the items is my digital scale.  I popped some fresh batteries in it and stepped on.  My shame is so huge I don't want to share but I have to ....

 

forty pounds.  According to the scale I am 37 pounds heavier than at my lowest at the start of April.  So, I have gained forty pounds in 6 months.  Correction, I have gained BACK the forty pounds that I lost last year, from October to March (5 months).  This is an awful cycle and I don't want it to become a tradition - lose the same pounds every fall and winter, only to regain them every spring and summer, that's Funcked up!! I was doing so SO well, SO WELL!!  I should have been to ultimate goal by now, including plastics!!  It's so embarrassing, so humiliating.

 

But, Denise, you were right, I DO know how to lose it, and what is required and as much as these are "dirty words", it is going to take some discipline and some self-control and a DIET. It took 3 months to take off these pounds before (I lost a month and a half because my approach was all wrong and I was exercising and eating wrongly etc).  

So, my New Year's resolution starts now: I vow to make the greatest effort I can, toward achieving the goal of losing this regain by Christmas.  This time, I understand my body so much better than I ever did, I understand that I cannot get strong and fit at the same time as lose weight, that is just not how my body chooses to work.  So, this time, I am going to only focus on my diet FIRST, get to goal, and THEN focus on fitness.  It isn't the cookie-cutter model we have been forced to accept as the only truth for every body, but it is the truth of my body.

So sorry to hear this... that number on the scale is such a rotten trigger at times! It is good to know though... at least for me, weigh, count and remain aware... even when "cheating". That helps me so much. I am hovering about 3 pounds above my high bounce range... was even higher than that for a while... the fast days help so much, but I am tending to NOT pay attention on non fast days, and go a little wild.... I am trying to start being more aware of what I am actually eating on non fast days as well as fast days....I think I could easily have gained a bunch more with all the stress and unaccountability of the past few months without going back to the 5:2 now and again... Three pounds over.... not so bad, 8 pounds over? My pants no longer fit... and I get that big scare about having to really go on a "diet" like you say... and would really like to not have to go there. Mom in law is here too... she is skinny as a rail, and doesn't eat much at all... but we do eat out, and snack around the clock...I am the one who has to say no... and I am not always strong enough for that. Sorry about the 30+ Florinda... I know you can do it.... and even do lots of the things you love to do and eat what you love (your descriptions of the recipes you are making are lovely...I want recipes!) but do write it down. That coconut flour and oil is pretty high... and something crossed my mind... probably nothing, but you know coconut can cause bezoars in the stomach...obstructions..... I think mostly shredded coconut....but if you REALLY can't eat or drink... I would look into it.... http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18347881  .... also coconut flour is very drying....it absorbes a lot of liquid, more than regular flour... so not drinking becomes more of a problem.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

that article was about someone with a roux-n-y surgery, and I can technically still eat, but yikes!!!! I am so utterly ashamed and depressed about the regain, this isn't a few pounds over bounce .... V_V.