gain goal regain How was your 5:2 day today?

[Georgia 2,908]

Oh and if you don't want to use those calories? I'll take em

I do so love thee!!!! Oh and I ate up to 416!!! )

Edited October 30, 2013 by Georgia

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

You guys are doing great.

Laura, i think it was very brave to tell of your "demon" - Oreos. It is no joke.

I went to an eating disorders clinic at one point. I think they correctly diagnosed me as having "disordered eating" rather then an eating disorder. Basically, I used food (and now i think I used OBESITY this way) as a ballast. If I was feeling too much of anything, excess food could simply CRUSH the pain, the happy, the anxiety... whatever it was that I found uncomfortable... excess food helped me go numb. I think that is basically what an addict seeks too. What I find interesting is that I am nearly 2 years out and I don't seek food in that same way. As I have mentioned before, i do feel like it lurks out there - like there is something inside me always looking for "more" of something. I have calmed down alot, I don't feel nearly as off kilter as I did say 6-8 months ago, but something lurks and i know it. I just try to use honesty, I mean with myself mostly, but with others as well, and accountability (my scale, my workout log, my posts here) and it seems to keep me in check. I feel like I don't struggle with maintenance - in truth I struggled more at 300# to try to keep from getting to 350# - but i do feel a sense of constant watchfullness. I am most interested to see how this evolves as i move into year 3....

Okay, I posted decent post plastics progress photos in the cosmetic surgery forum.

I deleted the x rated one on here...lol

I have to tell you a funny... I haven't seen my part time boyfriend since my surgery. He travels on the weekends this time of year for his motivational speaking gigs and frankly, I didn't want to see me with all those drains etc. I am down to one and am going to brave driving since I am off pain meds now. I told him that I am on VERY restricted activity and so we are just going to talk and catch up. We had an hour long phone call last week when I was pretty pain medicated up and I have a vague recollection that I may have agreed to some thing I don't really agree with, so want to have that chat over again. Anyhoo, i sent him a close up bikini shot and got back the funniest text.. he just cracks me up. Basically, he is trying to renegotiate what we are doing tomorrow - i know he is teasing and just letting me know that he thinks i look great. It made me feel good - I need reminders sometimes that this has really been worth it. sigh... tired of sitting on my butt watching my muscle tone disappear...LOL

oh, and I just want to mention after watching all seasons of Walking Dead on Netflix over a couple of days - what a freaking depressing show!!!!! wow

Edited October 30, 2013 by CowgirlJane

[No game 14,437]

Jane it gives me hope to read this..

Disordered eating yes.

I hope that in time it will become more of a far of thing just to be aware of...

"used food (and now i think I used OBESITY this way) as a ballast. If I was feeling too much of anything, excess food could simply CRUSH the pain, the happy, the anxiety... whatever it was that I found uncomfortable... excess food helped me go numb. I think that is basically what an addict seeks too"

This I relate to so much. It was only recently that I put two and two together about the "happy" binges.

I didn't understand those. I understood the rest but not the happy ones..

But yes something that made me feel to good about myself or happy made me feel uncomfortable, stressed.

Edited October 30, 2013 by laura-ven

[clk 3,519]

I relate a lot, too. In my case there was a huge amount of self-sabotage but well, that's a can of worms I don't feel like opening today. I'm usually so sharey-sharey with no worries or cares about what I put out there, but not tonight. This time of year is hard.

Anyway, sounds like everyone survived the day and it went well. I need to head to bed because me desire to eat sugary things because I miss my husband is getting to me. I hate it when he travels - I've gotten used to having him home and had forgotten what this was like!

~Cheri

[No game 14,437]

Cheri when you are ready we are here..

Get some good sleep tonight girly and thank you for holding my hand today. That woman was stressing me out!

Side note LOVE your new pic. You look so young. That you look like one of those teen moms

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Disordered eating .... yes. wow. Now that I am on this super restricted diet of the Wahl's Protocol I have to find something to do with my hands and mind, like a person trying to quit smoking. So I'm painting, sewing, I think I've hemmed every single pair of pants I have! Now I'm moving on to putting darts and vents in my shirts.

Day 2 of taking Miralax and nothing :/ Also, I triumphed over the crackers last night, only to fall prey to the sunflower seeds v_v very disappointed in myself.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I think finding a hobby/activities to change your focus away from food is very useful. Some years ago I recognized this about my horse world - yes, I rode even when I was huge. Anyway, I could be out all day with friends doing a long ride, and all the logistics that go with it and as long as I had enough Water, I was fine. We might take small Snacks along, but food just wasn't important. If i were home that same day - trying to go say 6-8 hours without eating, I would have hunger headaches, shakey lowblood sugar, growling tummy and general feeling of low energy misery. It would trigger an overeating when i did finally eat. Anyway, I use this basic approach now - I try to do things that keep me outside of the "foodie" world. I simply don't hang around with people or put myself in situations that are so food oriented. When i did the VSG, I lived with my ex Sig Other, and my two grown sons - I didn't expect any of them to change their junky food habits because I was obese and they are in the range of trim to a few extra pounds. anyway, what i discovered is that I was the source of most of that bad eating and they have all taken it further and really don't bring junk home. They use my approach for treats and temptations - have something you want but don't bring it home. Once you bring it home you have to "resist" every minute of every day that it is sitting on that shelf.

Globe - I got really constipated to the point that miralax and all didn't work since i had basically a blockage. I had to use those glycerin suppositories which was gross, but worked.

Cheri - I guess for many of us there are multiple dimensions to the whole obesity story. I know that being molested as a child was a major thing that set off my weight gain. You know what, i looked at pictures of myself at 4 or 5 and I was slightly plump, cute as a bug, long shirley temple like curls. My first grade school picture shows a girl with the shortest hair cut you can imagine (I wacked it off to the scalp with scissors myself) and decidedly obese. I remember how much I was teased for both the fat and the haircut... but I have reframed that whole event to thinking about how I was able to make the molesting stop - I made myself unattractive - and it worked. I had something else really bad happen in my late teens (again when I was not so heavy) and sure enough, my response to it was to gain weight. It is a shame that something in our past may have made us feel the need to put on a fatsuit for self protection. I think that I generally worked through all that baggage a long time ago, but by then the fatsuit became very well ingrained and it was time for a physical change (the sleeve) to help me lose weight.

What gives me hope about long term maintenance is that I no longer feel afraid of the world, even when I am thin.

[sarsar 824]

What gives me hope about long term maintenance is that I no longer feel afraid of the world, even when I am thin.

I LOVE this!

[sarsar 824]

Lots of emotions going through me right now after reading these posts. I totally get the fat suit thing. I did it for years. I believe even until recently that I was still holding onto some of that fat suit. I don't think I'm fat anymore but I was holding on to that little bit of extra weight for the same reason I was holding onto 110 plus pounds for many years...

I was mentally and physically and emotionally abused by my daughter's biological father. I weighed 105 pounds and the idiot told me I was fat. This was when I was 15 so I started down the road of anorexia. I got pregnant with my daughter when I was a senior in high school. Oh, the dreams I had to leave this freezing cold state and go to school in FL and start living like any college age girl would want. Well, when I got pregnant everything changed. Fast forward a couple of years and I finally was able to break free of that controlling abusive relationship. I don't know how I did it other than all I did was live every day trying to give my daughter the best life she could have and I couldn't do it with him in my life. Soon after I found out my daughter was being sexually abused by either her biological dad or one of his friends or both. The terrible guilt I had from this was almost unbearable but I didn't deal with it at the time. I had to stay strong for my daughter, I had to take care of her and make sure she was safe. We went through years of going to court and counselors to get supervised visits. During this time I met my husband and we got married. Long story short, he adopted our daughter. She is 23 and my husband has been in her life since she was a couple of years old so he really is her dad...the only one she knows. After we got married the weight started piling on. I think I finally let my guard down and started to "deal" with all of the emotions I had kept hidden all those years. I dealt with this by eating. Eating any time I felt any twinge of guilt for what had happened to my daughter. I then started to use food for every emotion. Happy, sad, scared, anxious, tired, everything. I just ate so I didn't have to feel.

Today, it's still a struggle sometimes but thankfully I am able to keep food under control most of the time. Not all of the time but most of the time. I still have moments where I know I am eating to not deal with an emotion and sometimes I allow myself to do that. I'm not perfect so I allow this only sometimes. It will always be a struggle for the rest of my life I am sure. I try to remember every single day how thankful I am that I was able to have this surgery. It can't fix my mind but it has helped me to shed my weight and to learn to deal with so many demons I have kept hidden over the years.

[No game 14,437]

Jane and sarsar,

Thanks for sharing.. It's powerful story you to tell.

And makes me realize we all have so much more in common than just being fat people that can't control their eating....

We are strong survivors and though the survival wasn't always pretty or healthy. We did it.

And we are doing it with our beautifully imperfect selves.

[sarsar 824]

So now I have all these crazy emotions flowing and it's a fast day for me. Not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing, lol, probably good. I normally fast on Thursday but I am spending the day with my mom tomorrow so I decided to make today my fast day.

I'm feeling a bit vulnerable today. I rarely share stuff like this with people. I have learned over the years to not trust and to stay in my own little box and not let many people inside. Feeling nervous and freeing at the same time that I put this all out here for the world to see. This is why I asked the other day anyone could read what we write in this group. I was afraid to say too much with so many people able to read this. But then today, for some reason, when I started reading I just felt like I had to share what I wrote. I know there is a reason why I did this but I haven't figured it all out yet. Sorry for all this rambling, something is going on inside of me and I feel like I just have to go with it today.

Laura, glad you made it through yesterday without killing your mom! That must have been tough confronting her on her drinking. I hope she is able to get a handle on that demon again. Just wondering, is she overweight?

Glad we are all in this journey together. I'm glad I found you ladies! Hugs to all of you as we continue on with our struggles and our triumphs!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I have mixed feelings about bringing this all up. I think it may trigger stress in some and that is not my intention so just say stop if it isnt a good subject for anyone.

sarsar I read your story feeling appalled but also happy about the happy ending. One question that I hope you have answered in your own heart - what happened to you in yourchildhood that allowed you to believe some jerk who told you that you were fat at 105? and to accept the subsequent abusive behavior.

[No game 14,437]

Sarsar, you can do it!

And lol I barely made it through or I should say SHE barely made it through...

My mom is slightly overweight now. Weight has always been a struggle for her, but her self worth was always tied up in her attractiveness to men. She's had multiple boob jobs some of them so big she looked like a cartoon character. It always made me sad.

When I was younger gross men would say things to her and she would take it as a complement. her sexuality was all she felt she was worth. Even as a child I knew that was not "right" and sometimes would tell off these creeps.

As I got older I tried to tell her these comments where sexual harassment.

Lol.... But not to her.

Wow you are right Sarsar, heavy day!

Edited October 30, 2013 by laura-ven

[sarsar 824]

I have mixed feelings about bringing this all up. I think it may trigger stress in some and that is not my intention so just say stop if it isnt a good subject for anyone.

sarsar I read your story feeling appalled but also happy about the happy ending. One question that I hope you have answered in your own heart - what happened to you in yourchildhood that allowed you to believe some jerk who told you that you were fat at 105? and to accept the subsequent abusive behavior.

It's funny bc after I wrote all of that I was thinking about this same thing. Usually you would think that something terrible happened to me growing up but that wasn't the case for me. I had loving parents who are still married to this day. What I believed happened is that I didn't get that much attention from my dad. I don't mean this in a bad way. My dad loved me growing up and still does. I knew it but he never really told me that much and he didn't really know how to show his emotions. I guess that when that guy started giving me attention I liked it. It didn't take too long for the relationship to become controlling and abusive and by then I was sucked in and I couldn't get myself out of it. I was young and stupid. I can still picture myself standing by my locker in high school and the idiot coming up to me telling me I looked fat...he had complete control over me. Before he was in my life I was such a happy go lucky type of person. Full of life, enjoying myself and having fun. See, part of the reason (remember this is my teenage brain at the time thinking) I believe I couldn't get out of it is that I started to have sex with this guy. He was my first and I grew up believing you don't have sex until you are married. So I had guilt with that, too, I thought I had to marry him because I had sex with him. I know it's crazy!

Anyway, while our daughter was growing up my husband and I talked a lot about him letting her know she is beautiful and wonderful and she didn't need to hear it and believe it from some horny teenage guy. My husband would take her out on dates. He always told her she was beautiful and she was special. This worked! She grew up knowing her dad thought she was all of these things! One day when she was a sophomore in high school a guy she had some classes with came up to her and said, "I wanted to tell you that I think you are beautiful." Guess what she said??!! "I already know that, thanks!". It didn't even phase her that a guy was telling her she was beautiful because she already knew this in her heart and she believed it!

Edited October 30, 2013 by sarsar

[sarsar 824]

Sarsar, you can do it!

And lol I barely made it through or I should say SHE barely made it through...

My mom is slightly overweight now. Weight has always been a struggle for her, but her self worth was always tied up in her attractiveness to men. She's had multiple boob jobs some of them so big she looked like a cartoon character. It always made me sad.

When I was younger gross men would say things to her and she would take it as a complement. her sexuality was all she felt she was worth. Even as a child I knew that was not "right" and sometimes would tell off these creeps.

As I got older I tried to tell her these comments where sexual harassment.

Lol.... But not to her.

Wow you are right Sarsar, heavy day!

Multiple boob jobs???? Wow! This is so sad. I am glad that you were strong enough to see through all of that when you were young. I have a feeling you had to grow up and mature real quick when you should have been able to have just been a kid growing up and enjoy kid stuff. Instead it sounds like you were having to mother your own mom.

Edited October 30, 2013 by sarsar