A perspective of time

[vinesqueen 2]

I am sitting here, a scant two years after finding LBT, looking back at my somewhat amazing journey with my life.

I must admit, this is not where I ever thought I would end up, but once we start on a journey, do we ever really end up at the indented destination? I think we sort of tack in the direction of the wind, we see our sails fill, but we have no real control over those winds.

I was absolutely convinced that by this time I would be a beautiful size 12, out concouring the world. I thought I would have a stunning wardrobe, and boundless enery, and a stunning collection of shoes... I thought I would be making a difference through my chosen profession, and off having many interesting adventures. I thought I would have learned so many new things that I be able to change how I saw the world.

Hmmm, I guess all that I have achieved are some intersting adventures, but I suppose that is all we can hope for, right. Well, the things I have learned, well, those have been things I never ever thought I would learn.

I have learned so much about my body, that I now joke that I believe I'm entitled to an honorary medical degree. But I've also learned so much about the real reasons I have done things, and for that I'm ever so thankful. I have gained an understanding of eating disorders, and an apprication of what people who truely have eating disorders have to deal with. I'm just thankful that my obsession with food, while tiresome for others to read about, was relitively shortlived, lasting only months, as opposed to the years that other poeple must deal with that ordeal. I used to think that the reasons I was fat had to do with my lifestyle, or to some extent trying to protect myself from hurts from my childhood, but I have learned that I neve had a chance to be thin. Not with Cushing's.

I wanted to thank Mr. Alex for the wonderful forum, and I want to thank all of you who've been so supportive of me through my current jouney. Some of you I will never meet in meat-space, some I have, but I count you all friends. I have learned so much from all of you, some times from questions that never occured to me to ask, some from questions that were repeatedly asked.

I've been absent LBT for some time, but I have been very active on my Cushing's board. I come and lurk here, but lately I haven't felt very well physically. It's easier to just check in, knowing that all y'all are still here, still working your programs, still waking your journeys.

I started this banded journey wanting more to gain my health. My asthma was so out of control just before I was banded, I didn't know if I was going to survive. I think that is the best thing about being banded, my asthma, still with the Cushing's, is all but gone. I cannot explain this, but why should that one thing be expalined? Just one more wacky thing about me, I guess.

My wanting to regain my health was the impetis for getting banded, not so much losing weight, although I desperately want to lose weight. And here I sit, I know that by many standards I'm a band failure. I know that sitting here, within 5 pound of my pre-band weight, that consititues a failure. But it should come as no surpise that I refuse to be labled a failure. Not now, and not by any external force. Heck, I have learned to not even let my mother define me as a failure any more, so hurray for me!

I knw that there are many new bandsters here that do no know my story, so here's a quick recap.

The Band lead me through an amazing journey. I initally had some success, but then it all stopped. No matter what I did, I could not lose weight. Not at any restriction level. No sweet spot for me. No matter how much time I spent at the gym, no matter how many hours I spent dancing, or walking or horseback-riding, I could not get the weight to budge. I spent a terrible month too restricted, where my food intake was limited to one ore two tablespoons of food at the most. As still, no weight loss. I spent a month as sub-700 calories, and managed to lose 1.5 pound in a month.

So I started demanding answers. On another board I was subjected to ridicule, called a lier and worse. I pushed and pushed and pushed. And I certianly never thought that pushing for answers would have landed me back within pounds of where I started. But right now, those pounds are irrelivent.

Throught my pushing and demanding answers, I disovered that I have a rare disease caused by a brain tumor--I have Cushing's syndrom. As it turns out, looking at my medical history, I've had Cushing's my entire adult life, and most likely, I had it as a child as well. So, I never had a chance to be thin, or "normal" sized. I have discovered a new supportive communty in my Cushing's board, and I am so thankful to have them, thankful that I found them, because they saved my life.

For whatever reason, I am not able to do things in a small way. I'm sort of a full-boar sort of woman. (or is that full-bore?) And my health is no exception.

I learned this year that doctors have no clue when it comes to rare diseases. I've learned to fire them when it is clear that they have no idea, and I've also learned that I'm smarter than many, if for no other reason, because I refuse to give up. I knew something was wrong, and I pushed and pushed and pushed.

I know tat we have many turtles, and I know that many of my tribe have drifted away, discouraged and diheartened. I wish I could gather all my tribe up, and help them fight. I wish I could give them the energy that they need to find the cause for their slow loss.

I am so thankful that I had the Band, and "failed" with it, rather than having one of the by-pass procedures. I know that many people have had great success with revisions, but with my disease, I still would have failed even with the the malabsorptive techniques.

I want to tell you all how proud of you I am for your journey, and to thank you for letting me be some small part of your jouney. It has been wonderful, if not more than a little frustrating, to watch every Rabbit sprint to victory. It's been great to watch my Turtles who needed longer to reach that same mark, never giving up, even as they wanted to.

I just wanted to thank you all, and to let you know that I'm still here, if anyone cares. I also wanted to let you know that I will have my Cushing's cure this year. It isn't an easy cure, but that dammed brain tumor will no longer hold me hostage.

Once more, I start a new journey. Only this time, I'm not exactly sure where my footsteps will take me. This time, my expectations are more open to the possibility of the universe.

[GeezerSue 7]

Happy...VERY happy...New Year.

[TommyO 5]

Hey Vines, I have been watching your journey through your interaction here in this forum, you have been an insperation to all. I was sadened when you informed us of your Cushings diagnosis but your determination and commitment to yourself and evryone on this board has been amazing.

I applaud you and your efforts, thank you for your participation on this board.

Tommy

[green 6]

It is always good to hear from you, Vines.

[Victoriana 10]

Hello Vines, and Happy Healthy New Year!! I hope you continue to be a part of this community as we all sort of drift in and out. Sometimes I lurk and am amazed that I cant recognize any of the posters that are here, and yet excited to get to know them. (!Hey everybody out there!) Im gonna keep track of your healthy journey, and who knows, it could include another band eh? Even if it doesnt, once a bandster, always a banster because you can relate! Good to see your flames again!

[doinit4me 0]

Everyone on this board has an impact on those who read their words. The words you leave behind and in the minds of others are essentially your legacy. Good or bad, it is what it is and you have left the legacy (thus far) as a stong couragous woman, one someone could depend on and lean on in a time of need, but who rarely leans on anyone herself. You have inspired others to keep on fighting as you battle on with your journey, so good luck to you and thank you for those of us whom you encouraged with your words.

[kim2bhealthy 3]

AWWW VINES!! I'm soo glad to see you posting. Your words are always so heart felt and wise!! I pray that you will be rid of that damned brain tumor and Cushings soon! You deserve to lose the weight, be happy and healthy and damn it, wear that size 12!! Please keep up the fight, keep posting and know that we are here for you, ALWAYS. -Kim

[Alexandra 55]

You have my best wishes and thoughts for a HEALTHY 2007, Vines! Let this be the year you put Cushing's and everything else behind you and move forward as the strong, healthy woman you really are. :hug:

[bitteroldhag 0]

Boy, Vines, you are one tough woman. I'm glad you have learned to fire doctors and that you have found what is really causing your problems. I don't think Cushing's disease is a death warrant, so I hope to see you back on this board, working with us as we try to lose weight. We can use your wisdom and kindness. Thanks.

[Marimaru 7]

It's great to see you around! Do you have any estimated dates on surgery for your tumor or anything?

Honestly, thinking about your situation, and how frustrated I would be is one of the things that keeps me going as one of your turtles.