guilt Anyone else feel guilty about doing this?

[Bredred 45]

Intellectually, I know I'm doing this for my health and for the right reasons. In my head, I know I have nothing to feel guilty about and I know I'm being proactive so that I can live a long, healthy life. However, I feel guilty about cutting out a part of my digestive system that isn't putting me in imminent danger. My family has been so affected by digestive disease and cancer, that I can't help but feel guilty. My oldest daughter had her entire colon removed when she was just 7 years old because she had severe ulcerative colitis. Almost 2.5 years later, and she's still facing challenges. My husband's BIL was moved to hospice today because of his gastric cancer. His entire stomach was removed in 2009, when he was initially diagnosed. In 1998, my dad had esophogeal cancer and had his entire esophogus removed. It breaks my heart that all of them needed to go through this, and here I am, having what amounts to elective surgery on my digestive system. If only my heart could understand what my head understands.

[belladona 153]

Normally I would say its an easy decision if it will help you in the long run, but, you pose some good points and as a mother I get where you are coming from. That kind of sucks you are caught between a rock and a hard place. But on the flip side you want to be healthy to care for your daughter and to be here for her right? So its all on you. Whatever decision you can live with is the one you should go with. I wish you all the best and hope you have an easy time with this.

[devichan 79]

Oh, Bredred... I'm so sorry to hear of your family's troubles! Please accept my warmest wishes for your daughter's healing and the best outcome possible for everyone else in your family.

Have you talked to a professional about this? There are people who work with people who have similar issues, and who can help you work your way through these perfectly-valid feelings. I don't know how you feel, but I can sure understand how you got there, and hope you'll consider talking this out with a pro.

In the meantime, if you're a hugger and would welcome it, you have hugs from me. If you don't want them for whatever reason, please know I'm thinking of you.

[Bredred 45]

Thanks for the responses. I spoke with the psychologist during the psych consult and she basically said what I knew which is that I am doing this for my health and to be with my family for a long time. I do see a counselor and I'll be bringing it up with her. I will be going ahead with the surgery - I'm scheduled for July 1st. I just hope that I can stop feeling guilty about it.

[Reigo 111]

I had similar guilt but for a different reason. I have a 4 year old and my weight was at 210 at 5'6" (size 16, l/xl) and I had no health issues (low cholesterol, great blood pressure and sugar fine) so I felt like I was risking my life by undertaking an elective surgery, which really was because I was just so sick of loosing and gaining and hating myself in a mirror! I kept thinking if I was the one stat that has complications and left my daughter with no mom, how horrible and selfish I am.

I had to let go and put my faith in god and I am thankful I went through it!

[amytug 996]

Short answer. Hell no!

[Melixxa 125]

I do feel a little guilty myself, but for different reasons again. I sometimes think about the reality that I'm spending thousands of dollars to stop myself from over-eating, when there are droughts and famines happening in other parts of the world. It's the "first-world problems" thing. It makes me ashamed of myself, but not so much that I could keep the weight off on my own.

[joatsaint 2,814]

Intellectually, I know I'm doing this for my health and for the right reasons. In my head, I know I have nothing to feel guilty about and I know I'm being proactive so that I can live a long, healthy life. However, I feel guilty about cutting out a part of my digestive system that isn't putting me in imminent danger. If only my heart could understand what my head understands.

I have a different view on VSG. I believe that I am a food addict and my body and mind is predisposed to crave certain foods. And not only that, my body is very efficient at storing calories against future needs. Currently, food addiction is not a recognized condition, but who knows, in a few more years, it might be. And eventually it could be treated like alcohol or any other addiction.

But there is one thing I do know, food producers are working hard to make foods that make us want more of them. That only makes sense, produce products that people want. Unfortunately, those same products work too well on people like me.

I can't explain my preoccupation with food for so many years any other way. I could eat a filling meal and then, two hours later, I'd be thinking about eating again. I'd get cravings for certain flavors and could get them out of my head until I ate them.

I believed all the hype that if only I could just cut back on calories and exercise more, I could be thin like the beautiful people. Not being normal was a failing on my part.

Six months post-op, and I think all that crap about "just cut back" "push the plate away" is just that - crap. When your mind is telling you that you're hungry every two hours, it's like a little kid tugging on your arm saying, "I want a candy bar, I want a candy bar!" And I couldn't get rid of him. And eventually it just wore me down, till I gave in.

Whether the surgery removed the part of my stomach that was producing the "hunger" hormone or if the surgery was just the psychological kick in the pants I needed, I now have a completely different attitude towards food. I no longer have that "little kid" tugging on my arm and the only cravings I experience now are for bananas\strawberries\watermelon - good for you foods. And most of the time, I only want them because I happened to walk past them at the store. Those days of suddenly wanting a cherry pie or a double cheese burger with fries - for no apparent reason - are gone.

Now don't get me wrong, I still fight head hunger and sometimes try to keep eating even after I am full. So I've still got things to work on. But I'm on the downhill side and I don't feel like I am in an impossible to overcome situation.

I know I was in imminent danger - mentally as well as physically, just undiagnosed.

[lalalisa 23]

I feel guilty as well; sometimes I too think about the possibility of death and leaving my son. I am choked up just writing this. It is the one thing that makes me want to cancel it all. But then I remind myself about my mother and the extensive list of health problems that she has secondary to obesity (HBP, diabetes, knee problems, heart problems, etc...) it is like looking in a crystal ball to my future. I know this is different from the difficulties that your family has faced but obesity too is a disease and it isn't crazy to opt for a surgery that could give you the chance to have a long healthy life. Don't think we can necessarily rid ourselves of this feeling; it's part of being a good mom and loving member of your family. I hope you find peace with your decision. All the best to you on your upcoming surgery!!!

[aliekat55 157]

great question! I have had this conversation in my head a few times. For what its worth, what I came up with is the following: people get their cardiac anatomy rearranged all the time without the slightest hesitation or regret: cardiac bypass, stents. They are no more life saving than what we are doing. it may be more dramatic but both are arguably a result of genetic predisposition and lifestyle. I see no difference between the two, except that the cardiac rearangement is more socially accepted ( even if caused by decades of smoking and eating poorly and lack of exercise, excesive alcohol consumption etc.) and ours is judged much harsher.

the question i asked myself, IF I had the evidence that I needed it, would I wait until i had a heart attack to get a bypass or would i act proactively? why not the same for weight induced issues ( of which heart disease is but one consequence)?

alex

[FindingElise 62]

Telling you not to feel guilty is a lot easier said than done. I understand where you're coming from, and I felt some guilt during the planning stages of my surgery. Once you get through the early stages of the healing process and have some weight loss to Celebrate, the guilt will wane.

My brother has muscular dystrophy, and has had close to a dozen surgeries on his arms and legs throughout his lifetime. The recovery was pretty difficult for most of them. When I first told him I was going through with this, his exact words were: "Why would someone choose to put themselves through pain and the risk of dying?" He eventually came to respect and support my decision when I pointed out that I could die an early death from a heart attack, but I wondered if maybe he had a point.

My boyfriend was diagnosed with rectal cancer in 2009 and had a bowel resection. His digestive system shut down for nearly a month afterwards, and he was in the hospital on a feeding tube. I wasn't thrilled about him having take care of me after all of the medical drama we've been through together, and knowing my pain and discomfort would be brought on by choice didn't feel very good.

As others have said, you just need to keep reminding yourself that you're making a smart choice for your health, as well as your family's well being. They need you. If you needed a pacemaker or your gallbladder removed, there would probably be zero hesitation to get well. Think of your obesity as being as serious of a threat.

I wish you the very best. *Hugs*

[Amy Glaspie Clayton 0]

great question! I have had this conversation in my head a few times. For what its worth, what I came up with is the following: people get their cardiac anatomy rearranged all the time without the slightest hesitation or regret: cardiac bypass, stents. They are no more life saving than what we are doing. it may be more dramatic but both are arguably a result of genetic predisposition and lifestyle. I see no difference between the two, except that the cardiac rearangement is more socially accepted ( even if caused by decades of smoking and eating poorly and lack of exercise, excesive alcohol consumption etc.) and ours is judged much harsher.

the question i asked myself, IF I had the evidence that I needed it, would I wait until i had a heart attack to get a bypass or would i act proactively? why not the same for weight induced issues ( of which heart disease is but one consequence)?

alex

[Amy Glaspie Clayton 0]

I really appreciate this question... I'm reading what you all are saying, and it bringing tears to my eyes... This is my story as well... I dreaded having this conversation to my husband of 12 years. He know firs hand how I have struggle with my weight. The ups and down of it all. I lost my mother in 2006 due to a heart attack.. It tore me apart. No she wasn't laying up in the hospital waiting to pass, it was all of a sudden on a Wednesday night.My life changed forever!!!!! It will be a year July 28 2015 my dad will have been passed he died of lung disease called sacoidois. They both suffered with HBP, Heart disease, and diabetes. My mother was on insulin at the time of her daeth. Although I am not there, I will be. I had gest.diabetes with my last three, I have5 beautiful children. Never any major problems with HBP. I am 5.4 currently weighing 240lbs. I've already looked into my ins, they are covering more than 80% of the surgery. Money is not the issue here. I'm not saying I am rich.. But it will be taking care of.. So I let my husband know that I have a doc appt.coming soon, let's just say we didn't get to talk about it... I do feel like he believe that I shouldn't do it. I wanna know why? With that being said now I feel guilty , because I want this change in my life to happen. I've been overweight my whole adult life. I'm only 33 and in that short time I have put everyone else before me when it comes to being taken care of.. And I am tired. I have thoughts of dying at my age. My mother was 48 at the time of her death, my father was 58 to me that was young... I have been depressed and stressed about my weight. Before I started to gain weight, I was wearing a 4/5 size in my teen year early adult... now I am wearing size 20 to 24 for comfort. I do not feel like the have the support I need for this journey. Should I move forward or just give up. I wanna live!!!!!!!!! I'm tired of being obese!! I've tried all kinds of things to much to mention. Please someone answer back...

Edited July 13, 2015 by Amy Glaspie Clayton

[Amy Glaspie Clayton 0]

I really appreciate this question... I'm reading what you all are saying, and it bringing tears to my eyes... This is my story as well... I dreaded having this conversation to my husband of 12 years. He know firs hand how I have struggle with my weight. The ups and down of it all. I lost my mother in 2006 due to a heart attack.. It tore me apart. No she wasn't laying up in the hospital waiting to pass, it was all of a sudden on a Wednesday night.My life changed forever!!!!! My it will be a year July 28 2015 my dad will have been passed he died of lung disease called sacoidois. They both suffered with HBP, Heart disease, and diabetes. My mother was on insulin at the time of her daeth. Although I am not there, I will be. I had gest.diabetes with my last three, I have5 beautiful children. Never any major problems with HBP. I am 5.4 currently weighing 240lbs. I've already looked into my ins, they are covering more than 80% of the surgery. Money is not the issue here. I'm not saying I am rich.. But it will be taking care of.. So I let my husband know that I have a doc appt.coming soon, let's just say we didn't get to talk about it... I do feel like he believe that I shouldn't do it. I wanna know why? With that being said now I feel guilty , because I want this change in my life to happen. I've been overweight my whole adult life. I'm only 33 and in that short time I have put everyone else before me when it comes to being taken care of.. And I am tired. I have thoughts of dying at my age. My mother was 48 at the time of her death, my father was 58 to me that was young... I have been depressed and stressed about my before I started to gain my waist size was 5/4 now I am wearing size 20 to 24 for comfort. I do not feel like the have the support I need for this journey. Should I move forward or just give up. I wanna live!!!!!!!!! I'm tired of being obese!! I've tried all kinds of things to much to mention. Please someone answer back...

I really appreciate this question... I'm reading what you all are saying, and it bringing tears to my eyes... This is my story as well... I dreaded having this conversation to my husband of 12 years. He know firs hand how I have struggle with my weight. The ups and down of it all. I lost my mother in 2006 due to a heart attack.. It tore me apart. No she wasn't laying up in the hospital waiting to pass, it was all of a sudden on a Wednesday night.My life changed forever!!!!! My it will be a year July 28 2015 my dad will have been passed he died of lung disease called sacoidois. They both suffered with HBP, Heart disease, and diabetes. My mother was on insulin at the time of her daeth. Although I am not there, I will be. I had gest.diabetes with my last three, I have5 beautiful children. Never any major problems with HBP. I am 5.4 currently weighing 240lbs. I've already looked into my ins, they are covering more than 80% of the surgery. Money is not the issue here. I'm not saying I am rich.. But it will be taking care of.. So I let my husband know that I have a doc appt.coming soon, let's just say we didn't get to talk about it... I do feel like he believe that I shouldn't do it. I wanna know why? With that being said now I feel guilty , because I want this change in my life to happen. I've been overweight my whole adult life. I'm only 33 and in that short time I have put everyone else before me when it comes to being taken care of.. And I am tired. I have thoughts of dying at my age. My mother was 48 at the time of her death, my father was 58 to me that was young... I have been depressed and stressed about my before I started to gain my waist size was 5/4 now I am wearing size 20 to 24 for comfort. I do not feel like the have the support I need for this journey. Should I move forward or just give up. I wanna live!!!!!!!!! I'm tired of being obese!! I've tried all kinds of things to much to mention. Please someone answer back...

Edited July 13, 2015 by Amy Glaspie Clayton

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Speaking honestly, I don't like the guilt bit. Intellectually, maybe, I can see how stomach cancer and intestinal resectioning is similar to WLS. And that the scenarios described above could describe someone who's suffering from a kind of "survivor guilt." But I really don't want to validate those feelings in any way. At all.

Your continuing to be disabled (physically, emotionally, professionally) doesn't help anyone else who's disabled at all. Your getting better doesn't help anyone who's not doing well at all. Your living -- and living life fully -- doesn't bring back to life anyone who has died or who is dying.

Yes, our feelings must be acknowledged. But at the end of the day, at some point before we climb onto the funeral pyre to be consumed with the bodies of those we love, those kinds of feelings that paralyze your good sense should not be allowed to influence your decisions and your actions that can lead to your own survival.

If you want to live, you have to choose life. And you don't need to apologize to anyone, including yourself, for your decision to live.