female only Starting Journey with "quiet" husband...

[Sharon Lane 4]

Hello Ladies!! I am fairly new here and this is actually my first post. I am just starting my GSV journey now, after looking into it for about 4 yrs or so. SOO here goes...

I am 28 yrs old, married to my husband who I have been with since I was 16. We had our first child at 17, married at 22, then over the past 4-5 yrs we have had 3 more children, literally leaving me no time to lose weight. When I met my husband I weighed about 150-160 lbs. I now weigh in at 306 lbs. Now, my husband is great and I sincerely know that he is not bothered by my size now and that is only an issue within myself. I personally, can't imagine how being over weight is attractive in anyone's eyes, no offense to those who are big and very confident in how attractive you look, in fact, I wish I had that view of myself. Anyway, I just recently brought it to my husbands attention that I was really going for it this time and it's like he just shuts down. He is the type of person who is a "just do it and get it over with and stop talking about it" kind of person and I am the complete opposite and its driving me (and I'm sure, him as well) CRAZY!! He likes to worry about things as they happen and not "pre-think" them. So I was asking him how he would feel about me after I lost all this weight, about the potential loose skin, the emotional part, the physical and mental changes in myself, etc. just basic talk. I could tell he started getting frustrated and just kept saying give me an exact topic, pinpoint it? I have no Idea, I just wanted to have a general talk about the surgery, before, during, after, etc. So needless to say we argued and he said "personally, I think you can do it on your own and I think you're just using this as a clutch" ......YUP, I got soo mad inside!! A CLUTCH!?!?! so I broke it down and explained everything to him about the sleeve surgery and how very difficult it is to be 306 lbs. For some strange reason he thinks it's easy to work out, eat right AND eat the right amount of portions. I CANT!! I have told myself over the past 4 yrs "I dont need this surgery, I can do this on my own" I've tried, tried, and tried again and over those 4 years I haven't gotten anything but bigger!!! I've actually gained 31 lbs over the past 4 yrs, after 3 babies. Something isn't working. He said I am all wrong and that anyone with WILL POWER can do it. Are you kidding me? so now he's saying I have no will power. I am soo frustrated sitting here at 2am now online looking for support forums because my husband obviously isn't interested in being one at this point. Now, we are generally really great and rarely argue, and idk if it is because he in nervous, don't want me to have it because he is scared or what but he just won't open up to me and talk about it because hes a "doer" not a "talker". Am I wrong? Should I not be thinking about all of these things in advance because they arent here yet or am I doing the right thing by preparing myself for everything that I can? I entered a contest to win a free weight loss surgery and the finalists will be announced on July 25th so this is why I have started looking into it more because IF I am chosen I want to be as prepared as possible and if not, I still plan on taking this journey anyway just not as soon as it would be if I were to win. My biggest concern besides the actual risks of the surgery itself is how my body and mind will change after as well as his. He assures me he just wants me to be healthy and the looks are just a plus, but I worry that he has no idea how I may look or how my potential loose skin may affect my looks and my body image. It's just very stressful that he doesnt like to talk about it. Am I the only one whos husband is like this?? he will avoid talking about it at all costs. He is my main source of "support". We live far from any other family and I just wish he'd be a bit more attentive and caring about whats to come. OR maybe I should have his look on it and just take it as it happens??

[Heartonsleeve 32]

Dear god, paragraphs please!

If you have not, I suggest you bring him to one of the free seminars that pretty much all bariatric programs seem to do. If he or you have questions you can ask the doctors themselves at the seminar. It might just be that he needs more information on how and why these procedures are done and how it all works.

[Heartonsleeve 32]

That and just have him look at testimonials by a great deal of people who have had the procedure done, and go through the before and after threads.

[devine.adon 49]

Wow...Wow...Wow... You sound like me!! I'm actually scheduled for July 13th and my husband has yet to say anything to me but.. I'm not sure why your doing this!! Really, well I'm 340 lbs why am I doing this because I'm fat and sad about it!! I have three kids, my youngest is 4 1/2 years old, there three more reasons I'm doing this...

My mother is negative so I don't have her to talk to, my husband has no worries in the world (or at least I don't see the worry in him) I worry about everything and I mean everything!! Also in the midst of this I have went back to much longer hours at work so my laundry is so backed up it looks like two mountains, the trash has to be carried out every single day bc I'm making everyone use paper plates, bowls, cups, forks and spoons lol and TV dinners!!! Bad mom...bad bad mom!!

He works long hours as well so nope he does nothing...nada dang thing. So on top of having ZERO people to talk to and support me I also have a messy house to worry about!! Oh I could go on and on!!

[devine.adon 49]

Also I should throw this in the pot... I'm having my sleeve in Mexico so we also have a nice long drive bc I'm not about to fly! We are...oh... 15 hours from our destination!!

[Sharon Lane 4]

Dear god, paragraphs please!

If you have not, I suggest you bring him to one of the free seminars that pretty much all bariatric programs seem to do. If he or you have questions you can ask the doctors themselves at the seminar. It might just be that he needs more information on how and why these procedures are done and how it all works.

Sorry about the paragraphs, I was really on a rant! lol. Also, when I attended the seminar 4 yrs ago he attended with me (his own idea). Seemed to have been fine at the time, but again didn't say much about it nor ask any questions. I am attending another one next month so maybe when he sees this one it will be different?

[Sharon Lane 4]

Wow...Wow...Wow... You sound like me!! I'm actually scheduled for July 13th and my husband has yet to say anything to me but.. I'm not sure why your doing this!! Really, well I'm 340 lbs why am I doing this because I'm fat and sad about it!! I have three kids, my youngest is 4 1/2 years old, there three more reasons I'm doing this...

My mother is negative so I don't have her to talk to, my husband has no worries in the world (or at least I don't see the worry in him) I worry about everything and I mean everything!! Also in the midst of this I have went back to much longer hours at work so my laundry is so backed up it looks like two mountains, the trash has to be carried out every single day bc I'm making everyone use paper plates, bowls, cups, forks and spoons lol and TV dinners!!! Bad mom...bad bad mom!!

He works long hours as well so nope he does nothing...nada dang thing. So on top of having ZERO people to talk to and support me I also have a messy house to worry about!! Oh I could go on and on!!

LOL omg exactly!! my oldest is 10, then I have a 4 yr old, 2 yr old, and 10 month old!! I actually (with my husband help) just got caught up on the laundry and he also works long hours. He helps a lot though, but like i said, my weight is a barrier for a lot....I literally get winded and things start to hurt minutes after I stand up, LITERALLY!! I sit down as much and as fast as possible. I feel like the worst mom on the plante because of my weight and no one understands.

I am definitely here to talk/support although I am quite the worrier/hypochondriac myself lol. All I do is worry. I am just beginning my journey and already looking into how to prevent blood clots after the surgery and how to do this and "what if" this and that! I could go on and on.

[devine.adon 49]

LOL omg exactly!! my oldest is 10' date=' then I have a 4 yr old, 2 yr old, and 10 month old!! I actually (with my husband help) just got caught up on the laundry and he also works long hours. He helps a lot though, but like i said, my weight is a barrier for a lot....I literally get winded and things start to hurt minutes after I stand up, LITERALLY!! I sit down as much and as fast as possible. I feel like the worst mom on the plante because of my weight and no one understands.

I am definitely here to talk/support although I am quite the worrier/hypochondriac myself lol. All I do is worry. I am just beginning my journey and already looking into how to prevent blood clots after the surgery and how to do this and "what if" this and that! I could go on and on.[/quote']

Oh I also have short spurts of doing anything!! My oldest is 15 and he kinda helps out but not much at all!! I get to hurting in my hips and I get winded easily, this has really gotten out of hand to be honest! I was not always overweight so I know I can be smaller its just getting there and at the point I'm at I must have help!! That's why I'm having the sleeve, to be my helper!! Oh and we must be on the same scale bc I too feel like the worst mom on the planet!! I have been researching the sleeve and the Drs. in Mexico for a solid year but I've been considering weight loss surgery since 2007. I hope to keep in touch with you, I'm signing off for the night, it's 1:55 am here and I've got to be to work at 8:30! I'm not sure how to navigate this forum completely or I'd inbox you my email address... Maybe I'll figure it out lol

[Shrinking_Lola 54]

In my honest opinion, it sounds like your husband loves you, so the loose skin is probably not something to worry about. You will definitely have to fight the fat girl mind set, I know I argue with her everyday!!! I don't expect my fit and handsome husband to understand my mental struggles from being over weight, he is supportive and wants me to be happy and healthy. So I leave it at that. When I had the surgery, my youngest daughter turned 3 months old and my oldest turned 15 months old, so I understand about having babies at home. However, and this is just my opinion, but over the years I've found men aren't planners as we are, even when we worry about things in the future, nearly every man I've met takes it as it comes. Not saying they don't worry about things but they are better at compartmentalizing things (like the post office boxes, all neat and in rows for them to put things and close the door on them when they want) where as a woman's mind is like a bowl of spaghetti, and everything is constantly entwined, there is no door shutting with spaghetti!! lol. I know that all my endless blabbering on and on about being sleeved with my husband was getting on his nerves, I talked to him about it for nearly 2 years straight!!! I realized one afternoon that I even tho I had his support, his validation wasn't as important as my wholehearted decision to really do something for myself, which in turn would make me happier and more pleasant to be around, which benefited him and our marriage. He supported me in a silent kind of way, and it wasn't till after I came home from Mexico did he express how worried he was about me but he wasn't going to tell me because he wanted me to feel like I had someone to hold onto when I was freaking out and having second thoughts. He was my rock, and it really helped.

It's hard to explain to someone when they don't know the struggles of food, over eating and how exercise is hard when your already over weight. Being sleeved to me isn't a crutch, it's a tool that's forced me to re-evaluate the way I've been living and change my life. It's not a solution, because you still have to fight to change your old behaviors and reteach yourself how to eat, and what to eat and warding off the never ending fat girl sitting on your shoulder taunting you with poor decisions. For as many years as you've abused yourself, it will take you twice as long to repair the mental and emotional damage, even after you've lost weight.

I don't mean this in a bad way, because God know's you and I are soooo much alike!! It sounds like a lot of your worry might be your own insecurities and probably without knowing it, your taking them out on your husband. Even if he was fully on board, which he probably is :-) you'd still think all these things and worry those worries. Men aren't perfect and they say things that hurt us without knowing the full extent of their comments, but really hun, it does sound like he loves you. Maybe just don't expect so much from him and he'll support you silently too :-)

I should add, I have no family around me either, and I had almost nobody to talk to about my worries and concerns except for a few people I met in these room. Nobody in my family except my husband knows I even had the surgery because they were so negative, and I did feel alone until I met a few good women :-) If you ever want to talk about anything!! Just message me, because my sleeve sisters really eased a lot of my second guessing and fears when it came closer and closer. Plus you know what, nobody can help you out better than someone who's already been there, and I'm sure my friends were a lifesaver on my husband because he's totally lost when it comes to my fat girl struggles. Your worries are normal :-)

[Sharon Lane 4]

In my honest opinion, it sounds like your husband loves you, so the loose skin is probably not something to worry about. You will definitely have to fight the fat girl mind set, I know I argue with her everyday!!! I don't expect my fit and handsome husband to understand my mental struggles from being over weight, he is supportive and wants me to be happy and healthy. So I leave it at that. When I had the surgery, my youngest daughter turned 3 months old and my oldest turned 15 months old, so I understand about having babies at home. However, and this is just my opinion, but over the years I've found men aren't planners as we are, even when we worry about things in the future, nearly every man I've met takes it as it comes. Not saying they don't worry about things but they are better at compartmentalizing things (like the post office boxes, all neat and in rows for them to put things and close the door on them when they want) where as a woman's mind is like a bowl of spaghetti, and everything is constantly entwined, there is no door shutting with spaghetti!! lol. I know that all my endless blabbering on and on about being sleeved with my husband was getting on his nerves, I talked to him about it for nearly 2 years straight!!! I realized one afternoon that I even tho I had his support, his validation wasn't as important as my wholehearted decision to really do something for myself, which in turn would make me happier and more pleasant to be around, which benefited him and our marriage. He supported me in a silent kind of way, and it wasn't till after I came home from Mexico did he express how worried he was about me but he wasn't going to tell me because he wanted me to feel like I had someone to hold onto when I was freaking out and having second thoughts. He was my rock, and it really helped.

It's hard to explain to someone when they don't know the struggles of food, over eating and how exercise is hard when your already over weight. Being sleeved to me isn't a crutch, it's a tool that's forced me to re-evaluate the way I've been living and change my life. It's not a solution, because you still have to fight to change your old behaviors and reteach yourself how to eat, and what to eat and warding off the never ending fat girl sitting on your shoulder taunting you with poor decisions. For as many years as you've abused yourself, it will take you twice as long to repair the mental and emotional damage, even after you've lost weight.

I don't mean this in a bad way, because God know's you and I are soooo much alike!! It sounds like a lot of your worry might be your own insecurities and probably without knowing it, your taking them out on your husband. Even if he was fully on board, which he probably is :-) you'd still think all these things and worry those worries. Men aren't perfect and they say things that hurt us without knowing the full extent of their comments, but really hun, it does sound like he loves you. Maybe just don't expect so much from him and he'll support you silently too :-)

I should add, I have no family around me either, and I had almost nobody to talk to about my worries and concerns except for a few people I met in these room. Nobody in my family except my husband knows I even had the surgery because they were so negative, and I did feel alone until I met a few good women :-) If you ever want to talk about anything!! Just message me, because my sleeve sisters really eased a lot of my second guessing and fears when it came closer and closer. Plus you know what, nobody can help you out better than someone who's already been there, and I'm sure my friends were a lifesaver on my husband because he's totally lost when it comes to my fat girl struggles. Your worries are normal :-)

Thank you so much! as much as I'd hate to admit it, I think you're right. I may have been pushing my insecurities on my husband and after reading this I may have to even sit down and apologize to him for my "selfish" behavior. I have to do this for me and no one else, not even him. He probably is dealing with it "silently". Deep inside, I do know that he loves me and that he doesn't care what size I am and that it really is my own insecurities and I am so glad that you brought that point up to me so I could sit back and look at myself. I have always been insecure, never really had a chance to be happy with who I was and my body. I feel like this surgery will give me that chance. Thank you so much I would love to keep in touch with you. I still have a long way to go in my journey as I am just starting, but eventually I will get there! I need support

[HatheryOnHerWay 603]

He sounds EXACTLY like my husband! We still don't really discuss my sleeve. Basically I just get my support from friends and this forum. For whatever reason the surgery is a sensitive topic so hubby and I just rarely discuss it (as much as I wish he was my biggest cheerleader!)

[zoey1176 58]

Wow...Wow...Wow... You sound like me!! I'm actually scheduled for July 13th and my husband has yet to say anything to me but.. I'm not sure why your doing this!! Really' date=' well I'm 340 lbs why am I doing this because I'm fat and sad about it!! I have three kids, my youngest is 4 1/2 years old, there three more reasons I'm doing this...

My mother is negative so I don't have her to talk to, my husband has no worries in the world (or at least I don't see the worry in him) I worry about everything and I mean everything!! Also in the midst of this I have went back to much longer hours at work so my laundry is so backed up it looks like two mountains, the trash has to be carried out every single day bc I'm making everyone use paper plates, bowls, cups, forks and spoons lol and TV dinners!!! Bad mom...bad bad mom!!

He works long hours as well so nope he does nothing...nada dang thing. So on top of having ZERO people to talk to and support me I also have a messy house to worry about!! Oh I could go on and on!![/quote']

The messy house gets worse after surgery, cuz u won't be able to really clean for 4wks

[zoey1176 58]

Also I should throw this in the pot... I'm having my sleeve in Mexico so we also have a nice long drive bc I'm not about to fly! We are...oh... 15 hours from our destination!!

I had mine in Mexico to and it was a great experience

[huligoo 75]

You are doing this for YOU not HIM!!!

He is being insecure! Go get healthy girl! Change your life! You will not regret it! I am happy I made the change! As of today 6 days post op I fit into a 2x shirt!! Havent worn a 2x shirt in over 6 years!

Do what you gotta do to get yourself healthy again and start your new life! Love yourself enough!

[Sharon Lane 4]

You are doing this for YOU not HIM!!!

He is being insecure! Go get healthy girl! Change your life! You will not regret it! I am happy I made the change! As of today 6 days post op I fit into a 2x shirt!! Havent worn a 2x shirt in over 6 years!

Do what you gotta do to get yourself healthy again and start your new life! Love yourself enough!

Oh I am doing it. Hes actually quite better after we talked a bit more. Hes supportive of it and we discussed it again without getting upset at each other so we are ok now.

Congrats on your successful surgery!! glad everything went great! Now your finally on the losers bench woohoo!!