female only Husband Spying on Me

[Mystie 146]

Yes, I caught my husband trying to secretly videotape me. But let's dial it back...

We have a 15 month old daughter, so we don't have as much nookie as we used to. I'm too busy and not mentally interested. Sometimes, however, I will work out a quick and dirty O with my vibrator before I fall asleep to relax me. Masturbation is relaxing, I don't have to worry about performing and so forth. But then I discovered my husband, who I thought was out in the other room at the time, would lay next to the door outside the bedroom and listen and jerk off. Even if I wasn't doing anything! It was such a sad and desperate act that it kinda turned me off even more. Maybe some women would be flattered, but not me. I started leaving the door cracked open so he'd stop.

Then a few months ago he started a job on a different shift and wasn't around in the evening. I was getting ready for bed and looking to see if my pants were clean for the next day, and went to check a pile of clothes on a chair nearby. The clothes were all burning hot, and when I pulled them back I discovered my husband had set his laptop up with the webcam recording under a pile of clothes. It was pointing to the bed. I guess he was hoping to catch some sort of show -- like I go into frenzied masturbatory gymnastics when he's not around or something.

I got pissed at him. Super pissed. Thought he got the message. Around this time I also confronted him about what he was doing with my cheese grater and mesh strainer and why they were in the dishwasher, and discovered he was making some sort of synthetic drug. Insists he only did it once.

Well, at the end of April my mother passed away from pancreatic cancer. I now have a 75 minute commute so I can drop my daughter off with my dad so he can watch her. Less than two weeks later I'm getting ready for bed and my husband is pissed that I don't want to be intimate, and freaks out on me, accusing me of having an affair. There's a guy that I work with, barely ever talk to and have only seen a couple times, but I think is attractive. I was looking at his Facebook page and made a few jokey messages to a friend about him. Apparently my husband had been going through my phone, laptop, and Kindle and read through all of my messages, checked my Facebook account, browsing history, etc. I've had to password protect all of them to maintain any privacy for myself and change some of my passwords.

Then the other day I was going out with my girlfriends and he was acting suspicious. Gets all annoyed any time I want to go out now, and I can't go ANYWHERE with him because he's miserable the entire time. He tried to check my phone again and lied about it right to my face when I SAW HIM on the couch with my phone turned on to the lock screen next to him.

My husband worships me like a Goddess -- does what I say, tells me I'm beautiful, etc. Hates himself. Hates life. Hates his job, his car, is unappreciative and thinks everyone is an a*****e and everything is a piece of ****. But I flat out told him I'm not going to live my life under suspicion, so I guess we're going to marriage counseling now. Ugh. Cuz I don't have enough going on to have to work that into my schedule, too, because he wants to act like a psychopath.

And I don't think it's just the weight loss, this is just crazy. Part of my feels bad, though, cuz to be honest -- part of me really really does want to have an affair. It might be nice to sleep with someone that actually enjoys life and has some sort of passion.

[joseph 40]

I don't get it, why don't he just ask you for sex? lol

[No game 14,437]

Really? I just read this and my mouth is hanging open... I'm not sure what you are looking for as far as "advice" here but your husband spying on you, In my eyes is the least of your problems, in my book. Putting aside all of the dysfunction in this relationship. I'm just a little... Ok a lot freaked out that you say you caught him MAKING DRUGS and you continue to stay there with your 15 month old child??? I don't give a f**k if he "worships you like a goddess" you need to get your child away from a dangerous potentially deadly situation.

[jensjoy28 351]

Wow...there is a lot going on in that post. I am very sorry that life is handing you a whole bunch o' lemons right now.... Although, for me, there have been times when the chaos actually helped bring some big decisions into focus...sometimes all of the bullshit helps make clear what is most important to you. It sounds to me that some quality therapy time is a good idea (maybe both couple and individual)

Oh, and I agree w Laura-Ven about the safety of your 15-mo-old...as tough as it is, you might need to consider removing both of you from the house until you are confident that his "only once" isn't lip service.

[leeann71 539]

Wow! I am very shocked. There definetly are some deep problems going on. Take yourself and child out of the situation.

[Museum-Mama 196]

I agree with the others, the drug issue is the larger problem. Has he always acted this down and out? Is it more recent? If this is a new behavior, then I am inclined to think he is using something. Part of the marriage counseling should be a drug test. If he is using, go to a safe place with your child. The behavior will only get worse, meaning more violent.

Prayers for you and your child.

PS. an affair is not worth it, IMHO. I have never had one, but my ex did. The impact it had on me was near suicidal, and he lost everything: his friends, job, reputation, family, etc. Now he goes to counseling to deal with the guilt.

[maharet111 544]

What the hell kind of synthetic drug do you make with a cheese grater and strainer.

[Mystie 146]

What the hell kind of synthetic drug do you make with a cheese grater and strainer.

No idea. He just kept saying it was all "legal stuff" and not to worry about it. There was some kind of weird brown paste in the fridge at the time, so I'm guessing that was it. I'm sure it was something he heard online would give him a Shamanic journey or some crap. I haven't seen anything else weird in the fridge since.

[Mystie 146]

And not that it's an excuse but my husband has Asperger`s so him doing weird stuff has always been par for the course. But usually his antics are more amusing albeit eyebrow raising and less concerning.

[allthatjazz4u 204]

Ok....I can't...well...ok...I'm sorry...never mind. I have no comment *blank stare*

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[ste_fun_ny 66]

WOOOOWWWWW lol sounds like you don't want to be married and your husbands a pervert. If your not happy you shouldn't be with your husband. An affair is not the answer. All men love sex and are going to always want it. I love being with my husband and I could never think about being with someone else. Maybe you two should communicate or fornicate more lol. Sorry not trying to make a joke out of your situation but I really wish the best of luck I hope that y'all can work through this and hopefully with something out.

[LouiseC 1,031]

Okay. There is a lot in there.

The masturbation? I don't see that as being a big deal, after all you were doing it to. If anything, I felt a bit sad for your husband reading that, sad that he was left to listen through the door rather than have a healthy participation in each others enjoyment. I find your hiding to masturbate just as unhealthy as him listening through the door.

The emails and Facebook and phone stuff? I don't relate. At all. I say nothing online or on my phone or even in my life that I would not share with my husband. I don't live a life of intrigue. We are partners in this life and he can access my Facebook, emails, phone or anything else he desires at any time. Not that he ever does, but that's not the point. The point is, I do nothing or say nothing I would not be comfortable with him seeing. I read your post and it is clear he is feeling insecure. Does he have cause to feel insecure? Can you reassure him of his security? Because hiding what you do or say does not communicate security, it communicates concern. I am not saying that he should be 'spying' on your online activity, but rather you should ask yourself whether you are concerned about what he might find. Look to your own behaviour first as you have control over that.

The bit that screamed out for me has been said by others. You have a child in the house, a very young child, with someone who is acting impulsively and potentially dangerously. The making drugs in your kitchen thing is alarming. While you have come back in later posts and played this down I am more concerned that you still don't have a clear picture of just what he was making.

The whole thing paints a picture of a couple who are not communicating, not just not communicating well but not communicating at all. Counselling sounds like a good place for you both to get some assistance in learning how to communicate. But first I would encourage you to take a good long hard look at your own behaviour in this situation. I am not saying his behaviour is without question, far from it, but I am saying your behaviour doesn't look so great here either and perhaps there is some personal responsibility to be taken.

[amytug 996]

Nevermind

[allthatjazz4u 204]

Nothing is wrong with masterbation. But there is something COMPLETELY wrong when a married woman must do so in secrecy...and there something completely DISTURBING with a married man sitting outside of the bedroom door pleasuring himself while spying on his wife. I'm sure his odd behavior has a lot to do with his Aspergers...but the whole "making synthetic drugs in the kitchen" thing is scary. Like others have said...there are clearly deep issues here. And your first concern should be the welfare of your child

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[NurseGrace 509]

None of these things on their own except for the drug thing are so bad, but put all together you have a huge issue on your hands. Being secretly videotaped is a massive personal violation and I think that would actually constitute some kind of sexual assault. Drugs make people paranoid, and I hate to burst your bubble but he might have been recording you to see what you were doing, not to wack off.

Rehab/mental health nurse here, and my advice is to be very careful. People don't do drugs "just once" and its almost always much worse than you ever imagined. You gotta ask yourself how he knew what to do, how to make it....

Please be safe.