Why do I hate myself NOW?

[ewhitt 112]

Ok, so I have been overweight my entire teen to adulthood. I have gone through phases of "I hate how I look" or "I don't wanna go anywhere because I am so fat". However, I had mostly moved away from those feelings and began to accept myself, but I still knew I needed to lose weight for my health.

And NOW? Now that I have made the decision to have VSG, and lose weight and be healthy for me and my family? I am despising how I look! We are at a Water park and I am thinking "I look like a beached whale!" or "My swimsuit is SO unflattering". I was floating down the lazy river, thinking... Maybe this is my mourning period-- mourning my attempts at losing weight without the VSG, mourning eating whatever I want in the future...

I don't know. I'm tired and maybe thinking too much? Does anyone "get" this?

[asmaclare 38]

I haven't felt that way but I can understand why you would. My surgery was 4/18 and I have lost 33 lbs which makes 79 lbs total since March 2012. Prior to surgery people would mention my weight loss if they hadn't seen me in a long time. Now it feels like everyone is saying something and it really does feel good. I don't think there is one time that I haven't smiled ear to ear when someone says something. I am sure that will sort of peter out in the months to come but it really has helped my self confidence. It's weird, when I look in the mirror with the intent to check myself, I don't really see a difference. But there are times where I'll walk past a window and notice my reflection in passing, I've caught myself just stopping and thinking, "Who is this???" I think we all have body image issues and of course those are more prominent when we are in situations (like in a bathing suit on public display surrounded by skinny folk with cute bodies) but I hope that some day I'll start to feel more normal. Just hang in there. I think things will start to change for you!

[lalalisa 23]

I have been experiencing this as well. For me I think I was in denial about the way that I look. Since beginning this process I have had to open my eyes and face the facts of my weight gain. I've had to be honest with what I eat and why; so much of this is psychological. At a support group I attended they said, "we operate on your stomach, not your brain; we'll fix the stomach but you have to work on the rest". I was and am a happy person; part of maintaining this was denying what I was doing to myself. I don't know if this applies to you; just something I have been coming to terms with. Keep talking about it; just knowing someone else is going through this is helping me and I'm sure others; thanks for sharing

[Guest]

Yes I'm impatient. I want the weight OFF.

[NurseGrace 509]

I relate to this so much its not even funny. I have lost 64 pounds and yet somehow I'm not happy. Last night I was nearly in tears because I was feeling so ugly or .... out of place in my own skin.

[ewhitt 112]

I have been experiencing this as well. For me I think I was in denial about the way that I look. Since beginning this process I have had to open my eyes and face the facts of my weight gain. I've had to be honest with what I eat and why; so much of this is psychological. At a support group I attended they said' date=' "we operate on your stomach, not your brain; we'll fix the stomach but you have to work on the rest". I was and am a happy person; part of maintaining this was denying what I was doing to myself. I don't know if this applies to you; just something I have been coming to terms with. Keep talking about it; just knowing someone else is going through this is helping me and I'm sure others; thanks for sharing [/quote']

YES!! This is exactly true! I am tall, so I hear a lot of "you carry your weight well". But now I am looking critically at myself and am seeing that I DO NOT carry my weight well, I look fat! Not only do I LOOK fat, but I can't do stuff. My daughter wanted to ride stuff yesterday and I couldn't make it up the stairs and down the slide more than twice. I know I am making the right decision so this won't be an issue, but I'm just mad that this IS an issue now.

[mitz 221]

Gee.. I was reading all four of your post and y'all are ll beautiful women that just wants to better themselves, I think we all tend to think that way about ourselves when we are depressed. My sleeve date is the 19th of June , I was as high up @ 478lbs at one time went to a weight loss clinic lost to 255lbs then gained it back to 430lbs; now I'm at 400lbs.

But you hear so much negativity around you after awhile it tends to chip away at your armor. I have a tendency to be by myself at times due to things that happened in the military and I feel all ugly at times. But from experience its from not getting out into public and when you do you feel out of place. Or someone might say something about your weight. I seen skinny people that was the same way who was nothing but bones. I say Ladies it how you feel about yourself not what others think.. Beside I love a women with curves.

[Chelenka 827]

Having been obese for my entire life I definitely relate to these feelings. I now feel much better about myself and am gaining more self-confidence but I sometimes still feel unhappy with my body. I carry my weight mostly in my hips and thighs and it blows my mind that after having lost 57 lbs I'm still really fat! I have a ways to go before I reach my goal but I'm starting to wonder if I will still feel unhappy with my body. I also freak out sometimes cuz my body is shrinking so quickly and I don't recognize myself, LOL! Also , I think what you are going thru is a process of letting go of your state of denial that helps one cope with life as an obese person. It shields your psyche but it also keeps you fat and when you start to let that go and really see yourself it can be very distressing and depressing. I was in HUGE denial for many years and now it is clear to me how much I used my fat as a pseudo shield but also how I would tell myself that I wasn't "really that fat". When I stopped lying to myself is when I made to decision to have weight loss surgery. It was one of those "come to jesus" moments for me. You are all doing great and are such beautiful young women. Go for the brass ring ladies and love yourselves irregardless cuz life is short.

pre-surgery weight 325; surgery date 2/28/2013; surgery weight 307; 8 weeks past-op weight 281.4; 12 weeks post-op 274

[wheeling 18]

Gee.. I was reading all four of your post and y'all are ll beautiful women that just wants to better themselves' date=' I think we all tend to think that way about ourselves when we are depressed. My sleeve date is the 19th of June , I was as high up @ 478lbs at one time went to a weight loss clinic lost to 255lbs then gained it back to 430lbs; now I'm at 400lbs.

But you hear so much negativity around you after awhile it tends to chip away at your armor. I have a tendency to be by myself at times due to things that happened in the military and I feel all ugly at times. But from experience its from not getting out into public and when you do you feel out of place. Or someone might say something about your weight. I seen skinny people that was the same way who was nothing but bones. I say Ladies it how you feel about yourself not what others think.. Beside I love a women with curves.[/quote']

Hey my surgery date is also wed the 19th. I've lost 10 pounds in two days on the pre liquid diet. I can't wait, the recovery i'm not looking forward to, but the weight loss I am.

[mitz 221]

Hey my surgery date is also wed the 19th. I've lost 10 pounds in two days on the pre liquid diet. I can't wait' date=' the recovery i'm not looking forward to, but the weight loss I am.[/quote']

That's great you are on your way! I start the liquid diet Monday my surgeon Dr.Cooper only put me on the liquid two days before surgery but I been drinking Protein drinks most the days, I went to Cracker Barrel and had the grilled lemon peppered Rainbow Trout , that will be my last solid food I will eat till later after surgery when I go through the diets before solids, I'm so ready for this day to come, good luck to you and keep your head up!!!

[wheeling 18]

Thanks for the support. Only 2 days of liquid. Boy u are lucky. I am dying for solid food. Barbeques all around me. But it will be worth it

[clk 3,519]

I think that it's important that you really focus on this issue and other similar ones you might have. There's a thread on the vet forum about happiness post sleeve that might make good reading, too.

I was overweight all of my adult life and I blamed my unhappiness solely on my body but I can tell you that as you shed the weight you WILL feel better about yourself but you will also realize that the weight (in most cases) is not the cause of your unhappiness...it's a symptom of something else for those of us that have battled obesity since childhood.

Many, many ladies here wind up on medications and in counseling, or battling depression or anxiety after surgery. That is not a bad thing at all. But it's definitely something to be fully aware of going in because it could also happen to you.

We are all different and our baggage (emotional and physical) is personal. But I really did expect to just be "happy" and love myself completely once I lost weight and hit goal. It did not happen that way.

In fact, until I started confronting and dealing with past issues things got worse for a while, because I wasn't able to eat my emotions, blame my weight for everything or focus on a new diet to distract myself and I still didn't have new non-food coping mechanisms in place.

I'm still learning. And I'm still struggling with the old habits of abusing myself because it's a habit, or because it's the easy thing to attack. Once you lose weight, you will definitely feel better about a lot of things. But if you're determined to hate yourself or if you have underlying issues that need to be addressed, you'll just find a new thing to be unhappy about (restriction, maintenance or loose skin) so try to start thinking about these things now.

Good luck. I wouldn't trade my sleeve for anything. And I'm thankful that it gave me a chance to not only be the size I never dreamed I'd achieve but also to shed a bunch of emotional baggage I hadn't even been aware was weighing me down.

~Cheri