Fear of dating after major weight loss

[Aries 95]

Just wanted to say, I've discussed this in therapy before. Not just here.

I first looked into weight loss surgery in 2010. I needed it then too! At the time, I looked at the bypass. Thank goodness I didn't end up getting it because I feel the sleeve is better. Beside the whole dumping issue and the malnutrition issue, another big reason I opted not to have the surgery was because I was single and afraid to date again at a normal weight.

Let me explain more. Fast forward to now, I am now in a relationship of over 2 years with my best friend of 7 years. We live together. Neither of us want children and I'm ambivalent about marriage but he wants to stay with me for life. He wanted to be with me when I weighed almost 240 at the time, and he was this 120 lb, thin, multi talented musician who could had good looking girls vying to date him, but he chose me. Now, at almost 290 lb, I am fully ready, mentally and otherwise, for surgery. I do not think if I were single, I could do this.

I guess my worries are/were that I am disgusted with the idea of dating someone who wouldn't give me the time day now at my current weight. I know my boyfriend loves me now and will love me when I am lighter. He is not superficial. I fear if I get this surgery and were single or became single, I could never really date in confidence because I think any and all guys who give me attention at a lighter weight would have never looked my way at a heavier weight. I can't put into words how much it bothers me.

I want to know that the person I'm with will love me at any size, in any condition, as I would them.

I'm very thankful for my boyfriend and his love and his support. I have faith in our relationship but I do dread it not working on the because I don't know if I ever could trust anyone else to love me for me.

Anyone else feel the same way?

Sent from my DROID RAZR using VST

Okay... Can I just say that 1) thank you for being so brave and posting this thread and 2) you are not alone. I know exactly what you mean.

I was with someone off and on for 10 years. 10 YEARS! He would cheat on me, we would break up, and I would take him back. THIS WENT ON FOR 10 YEARS! I tried very hard to justify to my friends why I would constantly forgive him. "He wont do it again" or "it was a slip. Anyone can have a slip, right?" or "He's really sorry and I love him." I knew why I was justifying his actions. Sure, he may have loved me. But he didn't love all of me. He cheated on me because he was looking for something different. Something/someone thinner, maybe? I don't know. I always knew, although I would never say it out loud, that I kept forgiving him because I thought I couldn't do better (I cant believe I just wrote that). No body could love me at my current weight (well, except for those people who have fat fetishes. To be honest, they creep me out anyway). Anyway, now that I'm sleeved, I find myself thinking about the same issues in your original post. I think about some of the men I've come across, and I know that they would not have given me attention at my highest weight.

It comes down to the saying "If you don't want me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."

I hope someone has something insightful to say regarding this issue. Laura did mention a few great pointers. But I'm still left with the question in the back of my mind, "Would he still be here talking to me if I was heavier?" Perhaps we will never know.

Again, thanks for posting.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Yep, what Aries and AmandaRae said ^

[Kimmy1813 77]

If you're in a committed relationship with someone you truly love and who truly loves you in return, why are you even thinking about the what ifs?! That's not fair to you or him. My husband loved me when I was thin and he loved me when I got fat. He passed away in 2007 and of course, now I have those worries about dating, because I am a single woman, hoping to fall in love with someone again someday. But I wouldn't have wanted to waste one single minute of our time together worrying about something that might or might not ever happen. So, why do you worry about it? Just enjoy the relationship you have now

[******** 397]

Men have their types and so do women...I get hit on all the time at my current weight by men who like bigger women. I am in a commited relationship of 5 years and he obviously likes bigger women but he says he will love me regardless of size.

[******** 397]

Its not superficial if a man doesn't like a bigger woman...would you say it was superficial if a man didn't like a smaller woman? Of course if you are in a relationship and love that person love trumps attraction but when u begin dating attraction comes first. For instance, I dont like guys with too much muscle but if my fiance bulked up I would still love him. Its not superficial just a preference. Leave those single men who like big women to the big women haha.

[BethinPA 305]

I'm single, and one of my goals with this surgery was to increase my chances of finding someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I can understand why a man wouldn't initially be attracted to me when I was very overweight - I wasn't loving myself enough to keep myself in optimal health. And I would like to be with a man who is active and loves himself enough to stay healthy as well. I don't think that is shallow. Its about how I want to spend my life moving forward. It is a life where I can travel without worrying about fitting into airplane seats. And where I am comfortable walking around a new city all day, just exploring. And where sex is hot! I don't see myself as shallow as wanting these things. And I trust my instincts enough that I believe I will be able to know if a man truly loves me for me.

What i wasn't thinking about when I imagined the post op period was dealing with incredibly saggy breasts and lots of excess skin. Not hot! And it is something that I would want to discuss with a guy before we got naked for the first time, because I'm sure I will feel insecure about it. Its just an obstacle that I hadn't considered, but I'm sure I can handle.

Have others handled the skin situation yet? How did it go?

[tigerbelle 328]

I think beth, curvy, laura-ven, janice and others made some great posts...I can't add much to what they've already expressed...the things I see as consistently relevant are, first and foremost, the fact that we are changing/growing/morphing as persons continually--both physically and emotionally, and it's irrelevant and counterproductive to worry about whether who we are currently with or hope to be with would have loved us or been attracted to us in a previous iteration of ourselves...another thing is the idea about trusting your instincts and getting to know the person you are dating--you will be able to tell I think whether a person is of high character, moral, shallow, materialistic, etc. once you get to know them--based on what you discover about each other during the dating process, that is how you make your judgment about the type of person your partner is and not using what-ifs--life what if I were this or that or had this or didn't have this

to me it all comes down to a trust issue--something a lot of us (including me need to work on)...not only learning how or whom to trust..but also trusting in yourself...and for some of us who believe in a higher power, it is also trusting in that to guide you to the place and the person you need

[missyjoy2078 381]

I just posted this as a question on another board. I am single and I am worried but not in a bad way. I guess nervous.

I was always a size 8-10 and then got fat. I know what the other side is but my self esteem was awful (thinking that's what got me here).

I always get "you have such a beautiful face" from men. Which is code for - you'd be hot if you we're thinner.

I feel like this was the journey I had to go on and that as my surgery date grows closer, I am looking in the mirror and seeing this I do like about myself. and that once I'm feeling better and not: feeling squished on a plane, shopping in the plus section, scanning the room for someone fatter then I am, being out of breath on stairs...

I will be that confident person. And I won't worry "why" guys are talking to me now that haven't before. I'm still me. I'm the same person but I'm not invisible. I will be the girl who turns heads instead of walking behind my friends. And...I'm total ok with that.

I think as you lose you will find yourself and whatever insecurities you have might improve and your relationship will be even more amazing because you will be happier all around.

I wish you all the best and look forward to keeping up with how you are doing!

[sunshyn21 20]

I feel the exact same way...except I'm single and have always been overweight. My tentative sleeve date is in late August and the thought of "skinny dating" terrifies me!! I've never had a problem attracting men and I actually run into a lot of guys now who seem to just see me as a sexual object and it's annoying as hell!! I don't dress provocative or behave like a "hoochie mama" so I don't get it!! I've heard that some guys go after big girls because a lot of "us" have self esteem issues and may accept some things that other women wouldn't. Thankfully I realize my worth so I've had to do a lot of kickin to the curb! Lol. Anyway, with the amount of attention I get now, I can't even imagine what will come my way when my inner skinny diva is visible to the world!! Problem is, I find that I'm already defensive and ready to dismiss anyone who couldn't accept me as I am now. I'm thinking about carrying pics of me to show the "old" me. I believe I'll still be the same inside but I don't know how to get past feelings of anger and rejection from years of being overlooked because of my fat shell. I'm getting sleeved as a 30th bday gift to myself because I'm ready to start living instead just surviving and I know that hanging on to old feelings and insecurities will hinder my journey. Thanks for reading...any feedback is much appreciated!!

[lacifer90 46]

This topic opened my eyes a lot. I will be sleeved in 2 days! Yay! I'm 22 and have only been in 2 "serious" relationships. I dated my best friend for almost a year but he was gay and basically used me as a cover. Then there was Joe...I was in love with this guy and he treated me great in the beginning. After a while he started to use me for my money and a ride and eventually ended up cheating on me but still tried to convince me to stay. I admit I have low self esteem but I don't deal with cheaters. When he realized I grew a pair and was leaving and the free ride was done he beat my ass. Not trying to tell a sob story but that is the kind of situation I was putting myself in because I didn't think anyone else would have me with the way I look.

I'm afraid that I might put myself back in the same positions even after the weight loss because that has always been normal to me. I can't really weed out the guys that wouldn't have me when I was fat because I'm moving 2 weeks after surgery. Superficial really isn't my problem because the way I see it everyone has a preference. I'm more worried about putting myself back in a controlling relationship.

If I had someone now that loved me for me no matter what size or shape I am, I wouldn't worry about what's going to happen in the future with any other man. You have to focus on the day you're living not what MIGHT happen a year or ten from now.

[prettylittleheart 95]

It kind of makes me sick when men who never looked at me before - now look at me and talk to me and I'm not even half way through this process. I'm terrified to start dating. I go back and fourth about it all the time. My friends are also all dying to set me up with people now - it makes me feel as though something was wrong with me before.

I also have this issue where I need to love myself first. If I don't love, who is going to? My mind has not caught up with my physical changes and I still feel like I'm not ready to put myself out there.

I keep hoping it'll just happen, but lol I know wishful thinking.

Also - this quote sticks with me ALL the time - 'just because a man desires you, doesn't mean he values you.' This disgusts me too, because most men I run into don't know how to value a woman.

I dunno, still terrified. I have so many thoughts on this. Glad I'm not alone. I hate when I know someone is superficial because I think on the inside - I'm someone worth knowing.

[marfar7 1,533]

If you're in a committed relationship with someone you truly love and who truly loves you in return, why are you even thinking about the what ifs?! That's not fair to you or him. My husband loved me when I was thin and he loved me when I got fat. He passed away in 2007 and of course, now I have those worries about dating, because I am a single woman, hoping to fall in love with someone again someday. But I wouldn't have wanted to waste one single minute of our time together worrying about something that might or might not ever happen. So, why do you worry about it? Just enjoy the relationship you have now

((hugs))

My husband of 19 yrs also passed away in 2007. I thought I'd never date again, let alone get married. It took 3 yrs (and the loss of 75 lbs thru the lapband) to get me to date again. it took about 9 mths of 1st dates before I met my now-husband. Were together for a year before getting married (18 mths ago). Our relationship is totally different from my 1st husband. I will always remember my 1st husband with love, it's just different now. I'm not sayin better or worse, just different.

One of these day you WILL be able to open yourself up again to looking for love. we all need love. Doesn't change because we had wls or because your spouse dies. Those first 3 yrs were so hard. I missed him so much. I think about him daily and my husband doesn't mind it at all if I talk about him.

Hang in there. When you're ready, you'll know. Btw, I met my husband on an online free dating site (Plenty of Fish). So online really does work sometimes!

[GypsyQueen 198]

I had recently divorced and lost a lot of weight when I started dating my (now) husband and told him so. I warned him I may gain weight and he assured me it was more acreage to love. 18 years later and he has continued to tell me I am sexy at every up and down of the scale.

It alway made me feel reassured that he knew and accepted me as I am at any size.