female only Worried how this will affect my marriage

[Andrea757 5]

I will start this off by saying that my marriage is rocky, even on it's best day. I am scheduled to be sleeved in early July. Both hubby and I are very overweight. He talks about how he doesn't need surgery and he can do it on his own, which I respect. I know I need this tool in order to save my life. He has been less than supportive on my decision for the surgery. He didn't attend the weight loss seminar, and only went to my 1st doctor appointment because I was persistent that he goes. He can't get off of work to go with me to my orientation class that is supposed to outline every detail of pre-and post op. He is only planning on taking off the day of my surgery and even that is questionable on a day to day basis (my mom will come the day after), but other than that, I will be on my own. Our sex life is non-existent since our baby has been born 15 months ago (sorry if it's TMI). I BEG for affection/attention/sex and get nothing. I when I try to kiss him he turns his head a lot, or gives me a kiss off the side of his mouth. We do attend counseling but are in the early months of it. They have diagnosed him with anxiety and depression but he has yet to get on medicine for it. I guess my question is, has anyone else been in this situation? I am scared that when I begin to loose weight and get a little attention from another man that I may give in to temptation. I have tried to have frank conversations with him about how I NEED affection: a hug, kiss, holding of the hand, sex, etc... once in a while, but nothing changes. It's so incredibly lonely having to do everything by yourself that should be family outings. I hope someone has some words of wisdom for me! I guess I should mention that we have been married for 4 years, together for 6 years. Any advice?

[LipstickLady 25,682]

If you are worried that YOU are going to cheat before you've even had the surgery, you need to really explore if you want to be with him. Sounds to me that the issue is In your court right now. I do not mean to sound harsh but perhaps his anxiety an unwillingness to be affectionate stems from knowing you are already doubting your ability to be faithful.

[serenity1959 67]

The conventional wisdom is that good relationships get better after WLS, and bad ones get worse. Your DH is not being supportive at all. I am so sorry. You deserve better.

[Andrea757 5]

The issue of the non-affection has been going on for much longer than I have even been considering surgery. And this is the second time he has been diagnosed with depression (the first time being before we were together). He has never been an overly affectionate person, but it has been a lot worse this past year or so. Your post doesn't sound overly harsh, I think I take criticism very well. :-) I guess I'm really hoping that if I loose a bunch of weight he will show more interest in me again, and being with us as a family. It gets old doing everything "as a family" but he is never with us, and if he is, he is emotionally distant.

[frpringle 53]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years this coming September... that is if we don't file for divorce before then. Both of us had the surgery, and we are both doing amazing with it. The surgery is not the reason we are getting divorced, the surgery is the reason I was able to realize I deserved more. That sounds bad, I know. But there are very big reasons on why I am filing for divorce, and it's hard to explain without saying exactly why. I will always love him as a friend, and I know for our kids we can keep close and work together, but there will never be anything more than a good friendship. With all that said... I have had a lot of attention since I've had the surgery and have lost all this weight. This is why my husband got the surgery, because he was jealous of the attention I was getting, and he openly admits that. The losing all this weight made me realize that I did not have to settle for this marriage. From the beginning he has ben unaffectionate and I've carried everything. He says his only job is to bring home the paycheck. He wasn't even interested in having sex until we decided to have our first child (and I would of not even had children with him had I known what he was keeping from me). So I have a friend at work that is always complimenting me and telling me how beautiful I am, etc. I am not involved with this guy outside of just being friends, but it really got me thinking about how one day I will meet someone that I will want to have that relationship with. I know that without having the surgery and losing the weight I would of never had the confidence to finally stand up to him and say "This is not what I want, I'm tired of being so unhappy and what you have done to me is wrong." I don't know if my story helps you at all, but I hope it gives you some hope that even if your marriage doesn't work, you are doing this for YOU and no one else.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

The issue of the non-affection has been going on for much longer than I have even been considering surgery. And this is the second time he has been diagnosed with depression (the first time being before we were together). He has never been an overly affectionate person, but it has been a lot worse this past year or so. Your post doesn't sound overly harsh, I think I take criticism very well. :-) I guess I'm really hoping that if I loose a bunch of weight he will show more interest in me again, and being with us as a family. It gets old doing everything "as a family" but he is never with us, and if he is, he is emotionally distant.

Thank you for understanding my intent. I wish you good luck. You both deserve to be in a relationship where you are loved and are getting the affection you need. Your child deserves to grow up witnessing a healthy relationship as well.

As for your hope? You deserve his interest whether you are fat, thin, purple or grow a foot out of your forehead. It's unconditional love and we all deserve it.

[Andrea757 5]

I really hope we can work through all of this, surgery and all, because I do love him. He seems so onboard sometimes and then later I get "I am who I am, and I'm not going to change".... I'm not sure if it is the truth, or something he is just saying to be hurtful.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

Your husband is suffering from depression and needs individual therapy too. He may need to see a psychiatrist for some medicine to help with the chemical imbalance in his head. Some people have to look at things and decide if it's a deal breaker or not. Hope you are talking about this with the therapist.

[Pixie Dust 526]

My heart goes out to both of you. I'm so sorry you are both in miserable marriages. In fact, this weekend, my husband & I are celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary & I love him even more today than the day I married him & vice versa. He's a saint & sometimes I don't feel worthy of him but he makes me feel beautiful even tho I'm currently nearly 300 lbs. & he's so kind to me & to others & he's the greatest dad! I wish everyone to marry a man like him. In being so grateful for the man that God put in my life, makes me feel awful when I hear about how miserable some marriages are. If my husband & I were facing issues like you both, we would definitely try counseling prior to walking away from the marriage, but with all that said, at least you are both getting healthy & thinner so that whatever comes your way, you know you have the strength to deal with it after all you've been thru with the sleeve! I wish you both the best. We only get one go-around, so do what you need to do to find happiness. Life is too short to be miserable. My advice would be to finish one relationship before jumping into the next. God bless you both!

[frpringle 53]

We have definitely done our fair share of counseling, marriage counseling and individual counseling. Even my pastor said this last time we met and talked that even though God doesn't desire divorce, there are some instances where it is the best for the children involved. It is so hard to discuss my decision for a divorce without saying why, but it is something that I have yet to discuss with a family member/pastor or whom ever is close to me (including my mother-in-law) and not one of them have said that they blame me for wanting to end it and they would do the same in my situation, but they would of done it a lot sooner and they don't know why I stuck around for so long.

[GirlOnFire 111]

As a person that suffers from anxiety and depression I would urge him to get help and get on those meds. That might make a big change in how he feels about affection. I know when I'm feeling extra anxious the last thing I want is someone touching me or someone wanting anything from me. Sometimes it's a chore just to get out of bed and put on real clothes. Not that I am making excuses for him because he shouldn't treat you poorly regardless.

The fact is you can't change him. You can't change anything about this except how you deal with the situation. You have to do what is best for your life and if he refuses to get on the meds he needs then you have the choice to stay or go.

Don't cheat. Just leave him if it comes to that.

[Aline728 301]

I understand also, and can relate on some of the levels u Spoke on. But i have decided i an doing this for me, that is all that matters at this point, and whatever happening down the line will happen and i will cross that bridge when i get to it...

[ebonisekim 1,713]

The ideal thing would be for you guys to both have surgery together but the fact of the matter is u having surgery will not bring you guys back once you start losing it will be like you leaving him behind .. The weight your going to lose compare to him doing it in his on cant compare .. Once you starting feeling better you gone want better .. I'm married and I'm all about the no divorce but losing weight will not solve you guys problem his underline issues is what he needs to start with