Spouse worried about surgery - afraid I won't be the same

[NMJG 1,266]

I am pre-op and mid30's BMI, but I've been heavy my whole life (lots of ups and downs) and I need to get this weight off once and for all (I have high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, high cholesterol, heart disease family history, stroke family history, arthritis, etc. etc. etc.). I am 52.

My DH, a loving supporting man, is against the surgery because he thinks I will change and I won't be happy with my new limitations. He thinks I'll become high maintenance. He worries because I love food and I will be miserable if I can't eat everything I want to. I've tried to tell him that it's Portion Control, maintaining a healthy diet and exercise, and not like a bypass where you really can't eat many things, but he still worries. He wants me to just lose it without surgery. Well, the key for long term weightloss is, you have to monitor your food intake, types of foods and keep exercising whether you have the surgery or not, right? Other than the first year or however long it takes me to get the weight off, life afterward will still require good habits. For me, the surgery isn't just about getting the weight off, it's keeping it off permanently and resetting my metabolism so I have a better chance for success.

My bad habits that I know will have to go: I like to drink a glass or two of wine or cocktail or beer most days, I do like bread and Pasta. I like candy. I don't binge and I don't eat a huge amount of food, and I don't suck down sugary sodas. My diet is generally fairly healthy with occasional forays into fattening stuff. My biggest issue is that I hate exercise, but I know that's gonna change and I've already started walking 30 - 60 minutes a day to get prepared. I really think I have an excellent chance at success with the sleeve. Please share your thoughts about how people change (or don't change) and the effect of the sleeve on spouses.

[serenity1959 67]

I am pre-op, but my DH isn't thrilled about this whole thing. He keeps reminding me, "you like to eat" and says I have not tried hard enough to lose the weight. From everything I have read, yes, there will be changes. We will not be able to eat all the same foods we used to. We may not enjoy the same restaurants, either. Our bodies will be changing and we will be self-absorbed about getting in enough liquid, Protein, exercise, etc. I have heard it makes good marriages stronger and poor marriages disolve, for the most part.

[BlessedBeyondMeasure2012 296]

Let me start by saying that I am 8 weeks out today. I am also extremely lucky in that I have a husband who has been 100% supportive of me from the get go. (My parents were not, but that's another story) You ARE going to change. That is the point, isn't it? You WILL BE high mainenance, at least for a little while. BUT all of it is doable. I liked to eat before surgery, I STILL like to eat even after surgery. I am not one of the lucky ones who doesn't think about food, who forgets to eat, and who all of a sudden doesn't love food anymore. I still do, but I can't eat the way that I did before or as much. I am developing good eating habits. I can't eat nearly what I used to. I am finally getting to the stage that I can eat more things and I have more options. Eating out is easier now, I just have to make smart decisions. For example: We ate at Outback Friday night and I had the Seafood Mixed grill with mixed steamed veggies and a sweet potato (okay like two bites of the sweet potato as I saved it for last and that was all I had room for). Now, most of that is in my fridge waiting for at least the next meal if not two meals for me to finish. Saturday night we ate at Longhorn steakhouse, I had the Under 550 cal salmon with steamed veggies and green Beans. I finished most of what I brought home for lunch today. It was SUPER YUMMY! Now that I am at a point that I can eat with my family and eat more of what they are eating it is easier. For a while I was cooking supper for myself, something different for my hubby and something else for our son. That was tough but I got through it. I have to concentrate daily on getting my fluids in (its getting easier as the time passes) and getting in my Protein. I log everything that I eat in MyFitnessPal. All of that takes a little time and therefore it takes a little time away from my family but they understand. I actually have my husband logging his food too and he has lost almost 20 pounds since I had surgery (He has always been thin but wanted to take off a few pounds that he had added since we got married). We have made this change a family change. Talk to your husband. Let him know what to expect. Keep him informed and hopefully he will come around. This is the best decision I have ever made for myself. I did it for my family too, I want to be around to see my kiddos grow up. I do not think for a second that you will regret this. You may have some times that you wonder what the heck you've done to yourself but those times will pass and you will be so glad you got sleeved. Good luck!

[MIJourney 490]

Does your husband have any weight or health issues?

[Threetimesacharm 1,400]

Well you will change, hopefully you will be happier, healthier, have more energy and love the changes to your body and mind. When you say that you don't eat much, you may want to revisit and track what you eat now for a week, you may be surprised how many calories, fat and sugar are actually in the foods you eat. It is hard to become overweight by eating a little of healthy foods only.

[NMJG 1,266]

Thanks everyone. My husband is thin and Type II diabetic. Very high metabolism. Amazon- yes I agree with you. Even healthy stuff like quinoa, nuts, and fruits can add up really quick! I'm using MFP to get myself used to this, and it has been an eye opener. My favorite New Mexican cheese enchilada lunch with rice, Beans, and sopapilla is well over 1000 calories. Eeeek! I had about 1/2 a lunch today and have been walking to burn it off!

[NMJG 1,266]

The cheese enchilada lunch is obviously one of my bad food episodes

[buplee 556]

My wife is looking for me to change. She wants me to be healthier, more confident about my appearance, and to be one of the hottest husbands in the neighborhood. So, yes she has been very supportive for almost 30 years and is looking for the new me to emerge. We have traveled extensively since we are now empty nesters and were foodies. We still dine at fine restaurants from time to time but make healthier choices.

Btw- my wife and kids are thin and can or could eat anything they want. My wife's family always used to say she was too hot for me (well they were right, she was out of my league), but she dated, fell in love, married and raised a family with me. We Celebrate 25th anniversary is next month. So, this is to say that you will change and if he really loves you so will he and should embrace the new you. Some spouses are insecure and like us heavy so we won't leave and feel we can't do better than them. Good luck to you and your relationship.

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[NtvTxn 1,262]

I am pre-op and mid30's BMI, but I've been heavy my whole life (lots of ups and downs) and I need to get this weight off once and for all (I have high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, high cholesterol, heart disease family history, stroke family history, arthritis, etc. etc. etc.). I am 52.

My DH, a loving supporting man, is against the surgery because he thinks I will change and I won't be happy with my new limitations. He thinks I'll become high maintenance. He worries because I love food and I will be miserable if I can't eat everything I want to. I've tried to tell him that it's Portion Control, maintaining a healthy diet and exercise, and not like a bypass where you really can't eat many things, but he still worries. He wants me to just lose it without surgery. Well, the key for long term weightloss is, you have to monitor your food intake, types of foods and keep exercising whether you have the surgery or not, right? Other than the first year or however long it takes me to get the weight off, life afterward will still require good habits. For me, the surgery isn't just about getting the weight off, it's keeping it off permanently and resetting my metabolism so I have a better chance for success.

My bad habits that I know will have to go: I like to drink a glass or two of wine or cocktail or beer most days, I do like bread and Pasta. I like candy. I don't binge and I don't eat a huge amount of food, and I don't suck down sugary sodas. My diet is generally fairly healthy with occasional forays into fattening stuff. My biggest issue is that I hate exercise, but I know that's gonna change and I've already started walking 30 - 60 minutes a day to get prepared. I really think I have an excellent chance at success with the sleeve. Please share your thoughts about how people change (or don't change) and the effect of the sleeve on spouses.

You will change, but I'd bet money you'll enjoy shopping more than sipping wine!!! There isn't anything more exciting than discovering you have a collar bone, and hip bones!!! Being small and your husband wrapping his arms all the way around you and then some.....wow. Life WILL change and you'll feel 'different' to him, he won't be use to having a small woman around, but he'll get use to it and will appreciate how YOU feel about yourself. Sex was good before, it is over the top wonderful now. I was 50 when I had surgery, that was three years ago in about three weeks! We eat out, way more than we should.....we've eaten out since week 2. I ordered Tortilla Soup at El Fenix in Dallas.....and sipped on the broth, NO chunkies!! It was wonderful. We share a lot now or I bring home left overs when I order my own plate. I'm a pretty cheap date. After church Sunday, he ordered a tamale plate with 3 instead of two tamales. One for me, I also take about a TB of refried Beans. Of course this is at three years.....early on I could only eat a third of a tamale or enchilada, then a half. I remember prior to surgery I ordered and ate all of my own plate, plus we'd go through a basket of chips. No more and I don't miss it. I still eat out and since I reached goal, I eat what I want.....just much less and I also CHOOSE not to eat some things, at least some of the time. Tell him the benefits are endless.....you'll be you, but an even better version because you'll feel good about yourself. Good luck!

[NtvTxn 1,262]

BTW - I have NEVER cooked something separate for myself than what I cooked for my husband......at least not since the clear liquid and full liquid diet....the first 3 weeks. I was only eating because I must!!!

[serenity1959 67]

My DH is a thin type II diabetic, too!

[NMJG 1,266]

Thanks everyone for such support. I truly appreciate your replies. Hubby is getting better. I Went for psych eval today, I think DH is getting used to the idea.

[HatheryOnHerWay 603]

My hubby was not on board either. I just got sleeved yesterday, and he has been great. Even just cleaned the puke off the floor where I just spit up. It'll take time, but he'll come around

[our3lilgirls 3]

Hi... I was sleeved 4/30. Which makes me just over 3 weeks out. My fiance was extremely worried about me having surgery but understood how important it was to me. He has always said your beautiful and I love you how you are you dont need to change for me. I explained to him that first I was doing it for me. That my goal is not a set number but a healthy weight and bmi. I am soon going to be diabetic if I didnt get the weight off and every time i tried in the past I would loose and once I got too be about 218lbs my body would stop... tried for 4 months with following weight watchers going to curves and the gym for a hour a day and couldnt get under 218. I decided after regaining most of that back i was going to have weight loss surgery. Took me about 5 years but I did it. The first two weeks for me were really tough. But they are getting much better daily. The first week after he told me no more elective surgery for you..lol Despite of that he is so supportive and helps me immensely. As do my 3 daughters they are 17, 15, & 13. I know I made the right choice and being on puree or soft foods has made a huge improvement on how I feel. I did go out Saturday night with my family for dinner and I did get broiled haddock and had lemon on it. It was great! I cook them dinner about 5-6 nights a week as I love to cook. Right now I cant really eat what I make them because I'm not allowed meats for another week. So I make me something easy thats hi Protein. Unless I make haddock cause fish is ok to have. Maybe just try to explain to him that you love him and that this is just really something you feel strongly you need to do for you and having his support would mean a lot. Good luck!!!

[our3lilgirls 3]

My hubby was not on board either. I just got sleeved yesterday, and he has been great. Even just cleaned the puke off the floor where I just spit up. It'll take time, but he'll come around