Support from home

woodkd · July 25, 2004

DeLarla,

I feel for what you are going through. It is so true that when one person in a family changes, the entire family has to adjust. Some are supportive, others are very negative and others try to sabotage our efforts. That kind of sounds like what your husband is doing, mine is just not supportive. This change we are making is very threatening to spouses, they may feel we will not find them attractive anymore. Or they are threatened that now their "fat" wives are now being checked out. It is so hard b/c we are doing this not so we look super hot, not that that's bad, but we are doing this for our health! You have it right when you say he needs to grow up, this is his issue not yours. Just like this negativity of my husband is his issue, not mine. We are lucky we have a place like this to share stories and get support. Not everyone understands that this process isn't just about losing weight, it changes all sorts of things. It can bring out insecurities in ourselves as well as those around us. All we can do is move forward towards our goals and work on our relationships. Thank you so much for sharing, it feels kinda lonely out here sometimes!

Debbie

DeLarla · July 25, 2004

You hit the entire nail directly on the head and even figured out his self-esteem & insecurity issues. He acts tough as nails and isn't afraid of anything physically. But his tough guy exterior probably has a lot to do with how he feels inside. As far as counseling, there's no way. We tried it once before and he threatened to beat up the counselor (tough guys wonders what the hell the guy in the suit knows.)

I can see where his low self-esteem comes from, since before we met he was a mess. But after 13 years and lots of successes, a beatiful home, decent vehicles, amazing pets, etc., you'd think he'd have more confidence other than showing off his brute force. I've tried talking to him about it a billion times, but he thinks talking is for sissys and just brush it under the carpet and it will go away. But I need ropes and ladders to get over the decade worth of crap under our marital carpet. I guess it's just nice to come here and have somewhere to vent. My marriage isn't any different than anyone else's. It's got its ups and its downs. My friends all envy my husband because he's cooler than all the other guys, but cooler means less responsible. I don't want to treat him like a 9 year old, but often there's no way around it.

Neicy · July 26, 2004

Hey Lisa, I always say that marriage is like a roller coaster ride.

Enjoy the thrills and hold on through the rough corners! When my husband always wants to feed me, I have to remind myself that they (men) associate food with love. Of course, he doesn't have a weight problem, and I think it's taken him a long time to realize that I struggle so much with food.

When you said that Chris doesn't want to talk, I bet dozens of women reading that thread could relate! Even if you do "have the talk" most of the time it never does a lick of good. I had an amazing breakthrough recently. I was talking to my sister on the phone about something that I have been distressed over for years and could never resolve with my husband. Money! He has his and I have mine and the two never shall meet! I didn't realize that he was listening, and after I hung up with her, he told me that he never realized I felt that way before.

Duh! I've only been saying it for 20 years! He had to hear it in the 3rd person for it to hit home.

Men are from Mars!

DeLarla · July 26, 2004

Wow, my husband is exactly the same way! I can tell him something 39 times, but he acts like he's never heard it before. But then a friend or neigbor will repeat what I've said, and suddenly Chris hears it for the first time. So strange.

Yes, I'm on one giant roller coaster with that man. I tried hating him last week, but then he does the cutest and nicest things so I can't even stay mad at him.

When I try to "communicate" a concern to him, he listens very carefully and hangs on to every word I say, then he replies with "so what's for dinner."

Why do I bother?

New Hope · July 26, 2004

Lisa, your husband can cook a 6 course meal? Wow! It sounds like he just wants to get your approval and attention when he cooks. Maybe you could do a taste test, brag on it (a lot), eat your regular small portion, and say, "I can take some for lunch tomorrow."

My husband was so sick for so long. But since he's gotten better, he's a stickler on bike riding, walking, and treadmill. He also enjoys anything to do with guns...reloading ammo., repairing, gun range, gunshows, etc. I used to lie around, eat, or sleep in while he was doing these things. One Friday night, I got so bored. I went back and had him show me the safety rules about handling a gun. (I hadn't known enough about one to safely use it, in the event of an emergency defense situation. I probably would have shot my foot off.) It really made him feel good that I was really interested and that he could teach me something. Since then, we do all of those things together. I even trained and got my CHL! He says his friends are jealous that he has a wife that's interested in all this. Wow, I hope this little revelation hasn't stirred up any activists!

DeLarla · July 26, 2004

Chris will have the huge turkey roaster in the oven, the electric frypan going, something in the microwave and pots on the stove all at once. And that's just a typical Monday night. If I went home and cleaned the entire kitchen when he was done, or kept the kitchen stocked, he'd cook like that every single night.

But I don't want to eat the second I walk in the door. When I come home, he helps me open the door and take my purse so I can sit down and start eating. That's how I got over 300 pounds. It was insane, and no matter what I'd tell him, he won't listen.

I've asked him hundreds of times to cover the food or put it in the fridge. If I come home to see an enormous pork roast, potatoes, etc., sitting open on the counter, that's nothing but a big fat trigger.

I take his leftovers almost every day for lunch. He does associate food with love.

Men always want what they can't have. They want hot looking women that can eat like lumberjacks... good luck. But he loved me fat at least. I'd cry over my 120 pound gain and he'd joke and say, "but look at my masterpiece." Like he was proud to have gotten me that fat. Now HE's getting fat for the first time in his family's history. It's all in his belly, and all our friends are teasing him, but he's proud of his fat belly. Weirdo.

woodkd · July 26, 2004

Hi,

I swear whoever said marriage is like a rollercoaster is soooo right. I began this thread b/c my husband was not very supportive. I've been kind of down about it, and tried to talk to him which didn't go very far. Then today we're at the bank getting the financing for my surgery and he turns and looks at me and says, " I'd do any for you, I just want you happy." I swear I almost cried, I think maybe he heard a little of what I said b/c he's asking more questions and getting more involved. What can I say I love him, quirks and all. And men say we're complicated, HAH!

Debbie

DeLarla · July 26, 2004

Wow, what a great ending to a not-so-happy start. You got your man's support, and that's deserves a high five!

A cool thing happened to me yesterday. We have no kids, so I dropped my clothes and went into the pool. My husband came outside with this puzzled look on his face. He said he saw me from across the house through the window, and he had to do a double-take because seeing me from that angle showed my weight loss really dramatically.

So I looked down at my belly and noticed my scars are all really close together. Right after surgery, I had 5 scars, and one was really low and to the left, so I'd have to lift my fat up to meet my face... well that scar is right here now close to the others. I can see them all without moving fat around or straining my neck.

Just a funny observation.

Penni60 · July 26, 2004

Lisa: I noticed the same thing when I looked at my latest incision this morning. I didn't have to repostion my belly fat to look at the scars. I just looked down and there they were. HOORAY!!!!!!!

DeLarla · July 26, 2004

Penni, I called Francesa last night and told her to check her scars. She laughed at how weird it sounded, but she was also able to see all her scars.

She's down 43 pounds but her puter's been down. She's still PBing, but her doc said nothing's wrong, so I told her she needs to slow down and chew better. She agreed.