No longer invisible, and that's what I wanted, I thought ...

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I wasn't sure if this should go in the Ladies Gone Wild section, but then I really wanted input from men as well, so I figured I would put it here.

I have often wondered if many of us put on weight as a defense mechanism, I think it has been proven time and again -especially with females- that massive weight gain happens after a sexual assault or abuse or something. I'm not saying this means every last fat person was abused, so please, those of you chomping at the bit for someone to flame - no.

What I'm trying to say is ... I was invisible for a very long time. During the years when I should have been learning how to interact with men, get my heart broken, get tough, get wise, learn from romantic mistakes, learn to spot predators - I was cocooned in my obese isolation and never learned any of those things. I never learned what other women learn about other women, that there are so many out there that are so crippled by insecurity that they will attempt to destroy you just to secure their own positions. I never learned that if you appear to present any sort of "threat" to these kinds of women that they will stop at nothing - including destructive gossip and libel, to eradicate you as a threat.

I also didn't learn how to interact with men or rather, I never learned that there are consequences to my behavior; as an obese invisible individual, I was, ironically, treated as a person not a "woman" with all the connotation and baggage therein. I was treated by men as an honorary dude and got to joke and be bawdy and opinionated and they were comfortable around me. Now, if I make eye contact with any man, they see it as an invitation. Now, men are aggressive in trying to mark their territory, and I'm the territory! Now I am viewed as physically weak and now for the first time in my life, I am afraid when I have to walk somewhere alone in the dark.

I don't know how to deal with all of this, I don't know how to weild this power, I was never taught.

Help?

[Arts137 1,811]

In a LOT of ways it's the same for guys. Massive Obesity makes you invisable. Or, put another way, all they see is 'fat person', and so you/I can hide what we really are.

I don't have much else, but I am sure that flirting goes both ways.

I am so lucky that I have a supportive wife and lover and friend (ummm, the same person, hehehe) and am SO HAPPY to be outa that game.

You, friend are a hottie, and you WILL turn guys heads...

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Um, thanks Art, this is something that I am having to come to terms with, seriously. People now actually tell me to smile in order to get what I want - geez that bums me out. I'm also accused of batting my eyelashes to get what I want and that breaks my heart, I work so damn hard at what I do!!

But I don't want this to turn into a humblebrag thread, I'm very serious about not having the ... skills, to deal with men AND women now that they can *see* me. It's frightening and also makes me sad. I really am looking for guidance on all that I mentioned in the post.

[Shawn Morrison 71]

You sound like a very awesome PERSON lady or not. Remember your feminism (as in being a woman not the position) might be part of who you are but you don't have to let it define you even if others try to. It is part of the whole. You are a strong hard working human being that is a lady. Feminism (the position or actual ism this time) is a tricky thing. You want to be strong an independent but still be all of those things that make a woman one of the most interesting creatures in the world. You seem like you know that you want to find that balance and the is the important part. You are a lovely person inside and outside now. Just don't let one side take over the other.

I personally LOVE the attention I have been getting after the weight loss. Now for me I was skinny and attractive as a teen and into my twenties so when I lost that I missed it and have enjoyed getting it back the last few months. I was even hit on at the grocery store the other day. LOL That was a major mile stone for me as stupid as that sounds. Now I'll say I am very happily married and it didn't go any where but it was still nice to get the attention. I actually get smiled at and talked to in the halls at work now when before women actually averted their eyes to avoid contact.

[Lissa 2,631]

I definitely see a huge difference in how other people treat me now, too. It's interesting to see how others react, particularly men, because I was "invisible" for years as well. I've been lucky to have a couple of really good friends who keep pointing out to me that I am worthy of all the attention I'm getting (and always was worthy of it), and who have helped me deal with the head issues that come with the attention. I'm taking a martial arts class now (and dating the teacher, lol). I truly expected the other students to dread working with me because I'm older and "so big", but instead they seem to be anxious to work with me on stretches and sparring. The teacher told me that it's because I'm a "hot chick", but I think he might be a bit biased in my favor. Either way, it's really nice not to have people assume I'm dumb or incapable just because I'm big.

[Kalimomof3 613]

Um' date=' thanks Art, this is something that I am having to come to terms with, seriously. People now actually tell me to smile in order to get what I want - geez that bums me out. I'm also accused of batting my eyelashes to get what I want and that breaks my heart, I work so damn hard at what I do!!

But I don't want this to turn into a humblebrag thread, I'm very serious about not having the ... skills, to deal with men AND women now that they can *see* me. It's frightening and also makes me sad. I really am looking for guidance on all that I mentioned in the post.[/quote']

Sorry to hear you feel this way. This is sadly true. I myself have started to realize I am back on " people's radar" . I fortunately or unfortunately had prior experience with this since I did not become super overweight until after I was 25 though I have never been model thin .It is an ugly fact that people judge you based on appearance and the best advice I can give you is BE YOU if people think you are flirting your way to the top or to get your way and it is not true they will soon see this.As far as other women are concerned I don't sweat it as women can be catty and bitchy when they feel insecure.When I find these types of women I keep my distance since not all women are like this it leaves plenty out there to make friends with and I go for quality over quantity any day anyway.As for men that is a toughie I find I avoid eye contact with most men unless I know them and or need to speak with them for some reason. I can rebuff unwanted advances if I need to and I would as I am married but I prefer to not give anyone any ideas

[pottergirl 261]

i have been at both ends of this spectrum. ive always enjoyed the attention i received.....it always made me feel very confident. that said, i did not appreciate the disgusting creatures that were lewd to me.....

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I teach Women's Self Defense classes at my Martial Arts Studio and I would recommend you find something like it in your area. (In fact, I would love for you to consider the option of taking Martial Arts! It's a great form of exercise and you will learn you have muscles you never knew existed.)

We do an eight week class series that teaches you how to be more aware of your surroundings, how to look confident even when you don't feel it, how to use common items in your handbag as self defense weapons and most importantly, how to defend yourself if someone grabs you. Our students can get out of choke holds from the front, the back, from being pinned up against the wall, or on the ground (back or stomach). You should learn defensive kicks, rolls, and punches as well as how to effectively use self defense spray and kubatons.

I know it sounds like a lot and I hope it's something our students never have to use, but I feel so much safer knowing that I can and that my daughters (13 and 14) can. Plus it's fun! Our last class is the men from our school suiting up in full protective gear and "attacking" us in various way without holding back. We get the practical experience of getting out the situation and let me tell you, it's scary, but it's real and you feel SO GOOD when you know you are your own best defense.

You are beautiful, you are strong and you are healthy. Get your confidence level where is needs to be and you can conquer the world. WITHOUT FEAR.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Thank you Kali, Lipstick - that is the kind of advice I am looking for, though everyone has said some inspiring things. I work in the Army as a DoD civilian so I am surrounded by men, tonight in the dining facility at dinner I walked across the room and I felt like every pair of eyes was on me and they were watching me in the same way they watch porn. Now, would I rather be invisible? No. But, I am not equipped to deal with this. And the women! If they think a soldier likes you, they will reverse engineer it and tell you horrible tales about that person so you will stupidly avoid them, and then they will eagerly watch for even the tiniest hint that you may even smile at someone, and run with it. I am friendly, I am open, I am an American-raised woman and I yes, happen to be pretty. If everyone wants to be considered beautiful, why does it hurt and leave you lonely?

[Arts137 1,811]

This is a great thread and thank you for starting it. In the end you will need to be who you are:

I am friendly, I am open, I am an American-raised woman and I yes, happen to be pretty.

And practice and your head will be the only way to deal with:

If everyone wants to be considered beautiful, why does it hurt and leave you lonely?

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Thank you Arts, could you possibly explain a bit further? I think I may be confused slightly by your sentence structure, or maybe I'm just not getting it :/

[kari61 128]

I totally relate to what you are saying, and the best advice that I have to offer is to maybe try some counseling? If you haven't already...

[Kalimomof3 613]

It shouldn't hurt and leave you feeling lonely. You are going through an adjustment period. In the meantime I would ignore those women who seem like they are trying to manipulate you. I know it is probably hard being where you are but try and surround yourself with positive people only. Also do they have EAP where you are located ? I would take some time and talk with them even 1x a month would help EAP helped me a lot when I was experiencing anxiety when I was in a remote location.

[NeverBeTheSameAgain 241]

I just have to say this, my granny told me "baby girl, ppl are going to tlk about u rather ur doing good or bad, they tlked about Jesus Christ and he saved us all"....and to this day I reflect on that. Ppl see others as a threat only because they are insecure in themselves and they see something in u that they wish they were or had. Now as far as those men go, girl I would tell them "back then u didnt want me, now I'm hot and u all on me"....I have a sayin, if u didnt want me whn I was fat, ur surely not gonna want me when Im skinny...lol

[makemyownluck 785]

I can relate to part of this. I'm just a week post-op, so I'm not in 'head-turning' territory (yet), but I remember my youth when piggish men would try to holler at me while I was innocently pumping gas, or when I'd be at the grocery store. I must have that "wholesome" vibe because I always got the most attention doing everyday things, when I wasn't all dressed up or wearing a ton of makeup. But I've been in the 'invisible' category for many, many, many years. I have had very few relationships because of my weight and my low self-esteem preventing me from dating, so I don't really know how to navigate an adult relationship.

I wonder how I'll deal with male attention. A friend of mine said to me, "You're gonna turn into a *****!" and it was meant as a joke (I think), but I wonder if it's not a little true, that I'll go on a bender of men just because I CAN.

I also think to myself that I'm currently perceived as a tough girl. Yes, I can defend myself now, but that's because I have quite a bit of weight to throw around and because I'm large and tall for a woman, I don't look like anyone you'd want to mess with. But when I slim down, will I still have that presence? Probably not - and I'll have to work to build up my muscles because throwing blows won't have the same force behind it when I lose the weight.

I'm honestly afraid of becoming more of a target for violence. I live in a semi-urban area, not the safest place in the world, and I live alone. I feel like becoming more attractive may open me up to the possibility of being attacked, mugged, robbed, raped, car jacked... I really think about these things. I wonder if I'm just being paranoid or if these are legitimate concerns. If I walked down my street right now, the worst I'd have to face is someone laughing at me or calling me fat (yes, it's happened). But I have a one particular friend who's skinny and attractive and any time she's at my house and we're in my front yard, piggish men are whistling at her, coming over to talk to her, honking their horn as they drive by and I really don't know how she takes it! Then again, she's always been that attractive, so it's normal for her.

I really don't want that kind of attention! I don't want to be seen as a sex object - until I find a man I want to date...

Maybe this isn't exactly the point you're trying to make, but I do have some worry regarding how I'll be treated in the world. Part of me worries that it will all go to my head (and I'll become a *****; or at least an attention *****) and part of me worries that I'll be very defensive and react negatively to it.

Guess I won't know til I get there... and I have a ways to go, I think!