Backhanded Compliment from Husband?!

[MsVictorious1020 497]

I'm not sure how to take this and I may be overreacting so feel free to tell me if I am. So here goes. I was fresh out of the shower this morning and my husband sees me naked. So he says, "Wow I can tell you're losing weight. You're going to get so pretty" I started to feel good at first then thought to myself, "I will get pretty? So I'm not pretty to you now?!" Maybe I'm reading too much into but I felt really bad afterwards. I will add that we have had several marital problems and he doesn't touch me nor initiate sex but once in the last 2 years. I'm just a lil irritated at the fact that I have to earn his affection/attention. I mean I know I'm overweight but I take care of myself and I'm not hideous. He's not so svelte or young himself. He's 13 years older than me. *sigh*

[naturally_bad77 26]

Looking at your picture you are pretty now and im not just saying that! I have a smart mouth so I would have respond yep an then I will be leaving your ass! But... Don't sweat it! That's your motivation to keep up the good work

[MsVictorious1020 497]

Ha! Thanks. There is so much more crap to it. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Im trying to make things work but some days I just don't know.

[QueenBusyBee 46]

I wouldn't put too much thought into it. Men a lot of the times say things without actually processing it, but it doesnt mean that thinks you weren't pretty before im sure he's just amazed at the difference that he's seeing before his eyes and maybe even wondering what you will look like later on. Dont let your mind play games with you, you are beautiful =) stay motivated!

[abetterme4.2 268]

I'm not sure how to take this and I may be overreacting so feel free to tell me if I am. So here goes. I was fresh out of the shower this morning and my husband sees me naked. So he says' date=' "Wow I can tell you're losing weight. You're going to get so pretty" I started to feel good at first then thought to myself, "I will get pretty? So I'm not pretty to you now?!" Maybe I'm reading too much into but I felt really bad afterwards. I will add that we have had several marital problems and he doesn't touch me nor initiate sex but once in the last 2 years. I'm just a lil irritated at the fact that I have to earn his affection/attention. I mean I know I'm overweight but I take care of myself and I'm not hideous. He's not so svelte or young himself. He's 13 years older than me. *sigh*[/quote']

Wow! You're gorgeous!

Compliments are pretty "iffy" with me because I tend to read into them. my husband met me fat, and married me fat. Now that I'm losing, he told me a couple of days ago "you look hot." Never heard that from him, nor have his actions ever shown me. He's not mean, off-handed, just not affectionate and never been accused of being "wordy." Lol.

Now, earning his affection, I'm not sure I like that. (But, like I said, I'm an "iffy" person and definitely very straightforward.) that's like a dog earning his treats and/or affection. YOU have to decide what's best for you. BUT, maybe he doesn't know how to give a compliment? Tell him you want compliment and a REAL one, and you'll forgive him. works every time.

Sex? Hell, it's over rated. I have an orgasm every day...it's just usually alone.

Yeah, I just said THAT.

[naturally_bad77 26]

I understand. I was there once but we worked it out and my husband actually likes big women. He didn't want me to have the surgery. But it was about what I wanted. And I want to be healthy and sexier cause even as a big girl I think I'm sexy!!!

[DonRodolfo 1,416]

I'm not sure how to take this and I may be overreacting so feel free to tell me if I am. So here goes. I was fresh out of the shower this morning and my husband sees me naked. So he says, "Wow I can tell you're losing weight. You're going to get so pretty" I started to feel good at first then thought to myself, "I will get pretty? So I'm not pretty to you now?!" Maybe I'm reading too much into but I felt really bad afterwards. I will add that we have had several marital problems and he doesn't touch me nor initiate sex but once in the last 2 years. I'm just a lil irritated at the fact that I have to earn his affection/attention. I mean I know I'm overweight but I take care of myself and I'm not hideous. He's not so svelte or young himself. He's 13 years older than me. *sigh*

We don't always think before we speak - sorry.

But yes, you are pretty now!

[MsVictorious1020 497]

Thank you to all. I don't think I would have gotten so upset if he hadnt already said some rude things. Before surgery he said,"How on earth do you expect this to work? How are you going to keep the weight off? How did you gain so much to begin with?! If you're hungry all the time you're just going to gain it all back."

When he met me I was about 30 pounds lighter than I am today. When we were dating he cheated on me several times with much older women. But I forgave him and we got married anyways. Ever since being diagnosed with Bipolar and having to be on all these meds with horrible weight gain side effects I gained a lot of weight. I've never been this big before. I'm proud of my weight loss and I know I will get back in shape. It just makes me so sad how cold he is. It's obvious he's not attracted to me. I guess I can't help but want to wow him and shock him with the new me. But another part feels like I shouldn't have to go to those lengths for him. He doesn't give a crap what I think about him.

[vsginnj 415]

From a mans point of view he probably meant "more beautiful". There are so many other things he could have said to "start some ish". For my wife and I it has helped us to not ascribe intention to each others statements, actions or inactions,we seek clarity right away it keeps resentments from growing. That is your spouse if he does not deserve the benefit of the doubt who does?

[MsVictorious1020 497]

That's some sound advice vsginnj. Thank you.

[Izuri 428]

1. You are beautiful already =)

2. I had this same dilemma. My boyfriend kept telling me how amazing I will look next year at goal when we go to the comic con that we're looking forward to. He will intermittently mention it when we talk about costumes and whatnot. I brought up how it made me feel and he said something to the effect of "No, no, it's not that you're not beautiful now, you are gorgeous right now. But the thinner you get the better you feel about yourself and the healthier you are. I can already see it in how you hold yourself, and that increase in confidence plus all the great clothes you will be able to wear, you will look and feel amazing!" And when I thought about it like that I realized, he's right. I know he thinks I look great now because he started going out with me when I was heavy, but I know if I think about him losing some weight and strutting his stuff I'd probably be like "Dang, he is looking and feeling great." just like he will about me.

Just keep your eye on the prize, every day you're taking one step closer to feeling and looking healthy and happy. It was a compliment, not a disguised insult.

[melodymouse 196]

I agree. You are already a beautiful woman! Don't let things your husband says or does hurt. I am married to a man who was diagnosed as a narcissist. If its not about him, it's not important. I spent a lot of years putting up with his criticism and taking it personal when he really just needed to put me down to make himself feel better. A counselor had me read a book called "Codependency and the Power of Detachment" by Melody Beatty. It helped me immensely. It taught me how to not let the behavior of others control my feelings or actions. I highly recommend it. On a more personal note, don't stay with a man who cheats on you. You deserve better!! Hugs to you!!

[MsVictorious1020 497]

Thank you Melody. I'm going to look that book up. I think we might be married to the same man.

[foxymomma 91]

He's a man..they don't think about things before they say them lol