How do I tell my best friend???

[becca77 0]

Okay, so here is my question. How do I tell my very best friend I am going to have this surgery? She has been my best friend for years and we have both struggled with weight problems, losing lots then gaining lots etc. etc. She has currently lost about 25lbs doing WW and working out and she looks fantastic, I am so proud of her. But I myself am so sick of yo-yo dieting and I have never been a normal or shall I say healthy weight my entire life. I am so ready for this surgery but I know she would not agree with me when it comes to this one. Could I get away with not telling her? But that just wouldn't be right. She'll probably figure it out just by watching me eat. Any advice??

[Kat817 19]

I would ask her to go to the seminar with me. You can explain prior that it is something you are thinking of, and since you value her opinion, you want her to go with you. Then she can either agree with the whole thing, and all is well, or she will be against it, and you will just have to tell her that while you appreciate that it isn't for her, you think it is for you. On the other hand, she may find the seminar, something that interests her too, and you would have a band buddy built in!!! One of my very best friends is banded, and it is so good to have her to share with!!!

Good Luck!!

Kat

[becca77 0]

Thanks, thats a good idea, but I know the money factor would be a huge issue for her. I just don't want her to think that this is my "easy" way out.

[faybie 0]

I think you could get away with not telling her if you wanted to. I have PB'd in front of someone who is close to me and they didn't even "get it". I just told them it went down the wrong pipe and I was choking. They bought it! If I am a bit tight and having trouble eating, I use some of the following excuses: queesy stomach from something I ate, ate too much at Breakfast or I am having heart burn.

I also had Thanksgiving dinner at my grandma's, barely ate a bite and not ONE of my very very very nosy relatives (mom included) noticed. They were all too busy shoveling food into their mouths. At first I was worried they would figure it out, then I would never hear the end of it.

I just had lunch with a friend today and ate 1/4 of my salad. She told me that I was doing great with Portion Control and that she was proud of me. She is very thin and has no idea I have a band.

I did tell my best friend though. She was supportive. However, I could tell in her expression everytime that she asked me a question that she really didn't like my decision. I regretted telling her later. She has never said anything negative to me about it but I can tell it makes her uncomfortable.

Good luck with whatever you decide, I think you will be fine whichever you choose.

[becca77 0]

Thanks, I needed to hear that. I have decided not to say anything for the first little bit at least. I know that she will think this is too drastic of a measure and try to talk me out of it. I defnately don't want to go there with her. I know her so well.

[Yoda 0]

Becca....if she knows nothing about the lapband you can very easily get away without telling her but if she does know about it (ie. the eating habits etc) she will figure it out and then will likely be more hurt that you didn't include her in any way (ie. tell her).

Only you know your relationship well enough with her to make the decision but don't feel bad if you don't tell her.

Although if you don't tell her; I recommend you never tell her.....otherwise she will be quite hurt.....unless you can explain the reasons behind it well enough to her so that she understands.

Good luck!!!!!

[Yoda 0]

IMHO, be sure chose who you share your journey with carefully. Not every one will be supportive, unfortunately!

I just had to say that I couldn't agree with this more!!! Not only will not everyone be supportive....but be wary of those whom you THINK are supportive (ie. are supportive to your face) but in reality tell quite a different story behind your back. I've seen it happen to a friend of mine who was banded and told everyone....she thinks (still) that everyone is so supportive.....but if she only knew. One of the reasons I didn't say anything to anyone except for a VERY select couple.

[nancyc 0]

Tell her. My sister and I have always been the same size. Six months ago she started a diet and exercize program that has caused her to lose 60 lbs. She has no money and could not afford this. When I told her what I was doing, she told me she was jealous, but she is also very happy that I am doing something about my weight as well. Now we phone each other every week to compare notes, and give each other support. We have become closer because of this.

[54Shirley 105]

beca77: Sometimes it doesn't pay to advertise. This could be 1 of those times. When she sees you eating less, and less she is going to ask you are you o.k.? say yeagh. If she asks you how are you eating less, and less?

Tell her it's control.. Then if she says I wish I had control like that!

It,s up to you to say you can. Explain how, and get her on the internet

for info.. From people here, and places that do the work. I mean after all, she sounds like she is loseing weight threw WW! That's a start for her.

In the long run you might just be doing her a favor. It's up to you.. Shirley.....

[coltonwade 27]

My best friend and I have been best friends for 20 yrs. Since we were 11. She's always been thinner than I was. Even when i was thin she was always tiny. Shes heavier now than she's ever been and that's a size 9 ,( I WISH ! That was my heaviest) LOL I wish I had not told her about wanting to have surgery . I got the whole " its the easy way out , I would feel better if you tried this and that first , Surgery is a big deal and I cant see "Waisting" money like that" you know the usual negative responses. Shes also a religious person who feels she can not lie which also involves saying those things to people that you really shouldnt say , ( You know those things you might THINK about your friends but you would NEVER SAY to them) well, she says them because she thinks it lying if you dont. So she said some pretty hurtful things to me. I could show you the emails . LOL

Finally I had to explain to her that she could be supportive of my choice without supporting the surgery . She could just be supportive of ME.

MOST of her negatvity came from just not knowing enough about the surgery , what she THOUGHT she knew was abotu bypass. She's alot better now but it took her several months. Its something I would have chosen NOT to keep from her but to do it again , I probably would have told her AFTER surgery .

HTH

Mindy

[Dame J 0]

I totally understand the problem that you are having right now. My group of friends is very tight and we tell each other everything. However topics like weight and money do not always go over well.

I have decided not to tell ANYONE except my mom and dad that I am getting the Band. And the only reason I am telling them is because I will need some support for the operation.

Once you tell you can't take it back, and unfortunately people tend to see weight loss surgey as an easy way out for big lazy people. We know that isn't true and that we still have to work at it but others don't see it that way. Plus I figure it's like when people know you are on a diet and they monitor you and point out mistakes or flaws or whatever.

For me I find it easier not to tell. But if the time comes when I feel I need to share I will for sure be careful who and how I tell my secret.

[54Shirley 105]

Dame J: That's smart of you... Shirley...

[becca77 0]

Thank you all so much for this, it helps alot to make my decision, I think I am better of not telling her and I'm not sure I ever will tell her. I think as long as I have the support and encouragement from my husband, who is totally with me on this one, then thats really all I need. As well as all of you out there. I am so thankful for all the time you guys take to read and respond. It really means alot and I know this will be an excellent support system for me. Go Bandsters!!!

[argon 3]

Good luck becca. I don't know what I'd do. Lucky I have no friends! The ones I do, I don't see very often, so it's not hard to not tell them.

The thing is, when I was younger, people would tell me how so and so lost ____ lbs all by herself, so I can do it too. I don't ever want to be used as that kind of example, because people think I lost it all 'on my own'. I couldn't lose it all or keep it off on my own, and that's why I'm where I am right now. I just don't want people down on themselves because "she can do it. why can't I??"

That being said, I'm not telling people right now. haha

I hope that I will someday, but probably not until I'm where I want to be, and know it's gonna stay that way for a while!

[flabuless 18]

I know how you are feeling...cause when I told my best friend her displeasure was quite intense...you see she had lost her weight through jenny craig and had always been adament that i do it the same way as her...when i told her i was going to have lapband...her comment 'thats a bit extreme isn't it' ...It was really hard at every point she would try and talk me out of it, dropping hints that Jenny Craig had this 50% off deal and so forth...when I finally told her my surgery date it was like 'oh...so you are going to go through with it.' I could have throttled her. but fortunately i moved away soon after and don't have to deal with her that much anymore...lapband certainly put a sort of a distance between us...but I HAD to do this for ME and no-one else...and now I don't really care what she thinks cause hey regardless of how I have lost weight that is my goal so you would think she would be happy for me too...but hmmm still the uncomfortable silence.