Dating and letting them know you had surgery

[TapSnap 357]

So I am not at this point yet. I haven’t started dating or even looking as I am still focusing on myself. But this came up while talking to a female friend that also had the surgery and is having a hard time. She says everything goes fine for the first week or two of talking and going out on a date but when she lets them know she had surgery they stop talking to here and that’s the end of it. Most of the say its not her its them and they are busy or have a lot going on.

Have any of you had the same issue or is it different for guys? When is the right time to let them know?

She said she doesn’t just come out and tell them she waits tell a subject that relates to it comes up and slips it in.

I am just interested in what you all think since it might be some help later on for me as well.

[ShrinkingBiker 121]

I'm a believer in laying your dirty laundry out out early.. If they leave over something as silly as the surgery then where they really worth having around anyway?

I am lucky that I have my wife and don't have to do the whole dating thing anymore.. Before meeting her, I was in a long term relationship with someone who was not good for me at all.. When we split, I got right out there again, and had a bunch of dates, but to be honest I just didn't click with them after a few weeks for whatever reason.. I think your friend might be looking at the wrong types of dates..

For guys, we don't really have to worry about that too often.. Yes, you will find shallow girls out there, but for the most part they are less focused on stuff like that and more on the personality, CONFIDENCE, and stability of a guy.. If you sit there and worry about your insecurities, everyone around you can and will sense that, and it's like a human repellant.

I'd keep with what you are doing.. Work on yourself, your happiness and don't go searching for ms. right.. When you are where you need to be, it will happen.. but, my all means get out there and get a couple of "work outs" on that new body.. haha

[aroundhky 1,174]

I'm a believer in laying your dirty laundry out out early.. If they leave over something as silly as the surgery then where they really worth having around anyway?

I guess it's how one defines "dirty laundry". Assuming that dirty laundry is something negative, yes, probably need to get that out of the way fairly early on.

But I don't see the fact that I got the sleeve procedure as "dirty laundry". I don't think it's negative, immoral or unethical. Actually, perhaps my overeating and gluttonous behavior BEFORE the sleeve was perhaps a negative, but almost all of us (sleeve AND non-sleeved) are guilty of that behavior at some point. I just indulged myself more often and at a higher intensity than the average person.

Personally, I've told the people I'm closest to (probably a dozen people or so). Basically loved ones (family, really close friends). I'm guessing at some point during the dating process (since it involves eating most of the time), I would probably bring it up. Like....."Why don't you drink anything while you eat?" question that's likely to come up. Then I would just try to get a feel for the moment and decide if it's a good time to mention it. There's a time and place for everything as far as I'm concerned. But that's just me. It's everyone's own right to mention it or not and when they mention it, especially during the dating process. Interesting topic.............

[johnlatte 1,232]

As someone that is going to be single in the near future, If I get the opportunity to date again, I won't be discussing my medical history. I mean I would talk about getting my tonsils out or my gall bladder operation so I'm not sure why I would talk about WLS. That's been my strategy all along. I mean it isn't really anyone's business anyway and if it doesn't affect the relationship, I'm not sure talking about it, makes a ton of sense. But that's just me.

[nadoue 158]

I don't see how it is anyone business anyway. My thing has always been gallbladder for my scars which is true and I have been with my man for two years and he got no clue. He tried feeding me but he got used to my little portion and we are all good in the hood!

[paglahg 9]

I only told my immediate family and one or two close friends. Noone really needs to know. Once they find out you will hear oh why didn't you tell me I could have helped you out.. well now you know and now is when I need you. See how many really comearund. Sometimes people thrive off of wasteful information. I can see if you told someon you are close with like your family or even a close friend who may be considering the same but again don't give people further conversation to talk about ya. They talk about you when your fat to your face orbehind your back supposedly out of concern or to make themselves feel better then when yu loose the weight they will do the same stating how hin you are and that you look sick. Trust, been there done this twice over that's why I've chosen to remain quiet.

[joatsaint 2,814]

As someone that is going to be single in the near future, If I get the opportunity to date again, I won't be discussing my medical history. I mean I would talk about getting my tonsils out or my gall bladder operation so I'm not sure why I would talk about WLS. That's been my strategy all along. I mean it isn't really anyone's business anyway and if it doesn't affect the relationship, I'm not sure talking about it, makes a ton of sense. But that's just me.

I totally agree and I don't see why anyone would consider bringing this up early when dating in the 1st place. It's only in the mind of the person as to whether or not WLS is a negative. And I don't see WLS as a negative any more than if I had a heart bypass to save my life.

Having WLS is not a sign you are weak or broken. Instead it is a statement that you have taken charge of your life and did what you feel you needed to do.

If you're on a date do you blurt out every thing you find a negative about yourself? Do you blurt out right away that you've had a boob job? Had corrective eye surgery? Had botox injections? Had lip injections? You're wearing makeup to make your skin look better? Wearing heels to make your legs and butt look better? Oh, and don't forget to tell them you dyed your hair too.

[joatsaint 2,814]

As someone who is upfront and honest with others about what I have done and am going through, I'm a little offended by your statement.

Please, feel free to be offended. You have the right to feel the way you want. And I have the right to not care.

And as far as telling them you don't eat pig or are a vegetarian. Those things directly affect your interactions with anther person. WLS, unless you are in an emergency situation, will never casually come up.

If you feel like you need forgiveness or permission for having WLS, that's your choice.

[nadoue 158]

Wait did you tell about your permanent eyebrows! Lol

[joatsaint 2,814]

Wait,, your wearing makeup and heels??

Well, I ain't getting any younger and a guy has to compete to catch their eye!

And before you ask about the hair dye, YES, the carpet matches the drapes. When there is carpet!

[cerenatee 90]

I don't understand why she would tell them at all but especially at 2 or 3 weeks out. Usually that's the casual, "what kind of music do you like to listen to" or "can you have an intelligent conversation about music" phase. When did it turn into the "here's my entire medical history" phase? I've only been with my hubby about 2 years so I know I'm not that out of the loop yet. Or maybe I am.

Either way, I've never discussed my dieting..or my shopping...or my home grown pedicures...or my moustache waxes or anything else in that category with guys that were not already in love with me and on lock down. As far as dating guys were concerned, God just magically stopped my toenails from growing and I woke up every morning with pretty colors on them. Even with a committed guys, I only said things in passing, if necessary, and I still didn't really bring up diets. Reason one, I could never stick to one, and reason two, most guy just don't care. They're always, "yeah baby, you can do it" and then back to the ballgame. I only got my husband to pay attention when I mentioned this surgery. He could still care less about pedicures or bikini waxes or anything else that proves I'm human. He just wants the results, not the process. LOL.

I would suggest your friend forgo her desire to blab. I know she's excited but she needs to join VST where she can gush all day and night. If she has tons of loose skin or surgical scars that need to be explained, then yes, she might want to mention them but again, in passing. Something like "I use to be a little bigger so now I have loose skin." We know "a little bigger" and "loose skin" doesn't go together but it gives a guy an out to say "okay" and move on in his mind. This is generally enough for the guys I know. Most guys are straight-forward and they keep it simple. No need for long drawn out discussions. To this day, my husband can't stand "I have something I want to talk to you about." LOL. He always looks up like Homeland Security is at the front door. It's pure fright and too funny. So if she tries to have an in-depth discussion about her girly parts, loose skin, or anything else in the first weeks of dating, a lot of guys may think she's too intense, which translates into too much work, and bail.

In summary, she needs to not bring it up unless necessary, and then present it as "a little bigger and I lost some weight." Then move on with the conversation.

[cerenatee 90]

So I am not at this point yet. I haven’t started dating or even looking as I am still focusing on myself. But this came up while talking to a female friend that also had the surgery and is having a hard time. She says everything goes fine for the first week or two of talking and going out on a date but when she lets them know she had surgery they stop talking to here and that’s the end of it. Most of the say its not her its them and they are busy or have a lot going on.

Have any of you had the same issue or is it different for guys? When is the right time to let them know?

She said she doesn’t just come out and tell them she waits tell a subject that relates to it comes up and slips it in.

I am just interested in what you all think since it might be some help later on for me as well.

My advice for you would be the same. After she's on lock down, you may want to go into details about your surgery, but until then, I would only bring it up if I had too. If the woman already finds you physically attractive, which you can assume if she agreed to go out with you, she could care less about your surgery. She'll care more about your intelligence, your personality, your financial stability, your living situation, your morals, and your future life goals. (PS This is my opinion. Some women just want you breathing and that's good enough.)

[cerenatee 90]

Like....."Why don't you drink anything while you eat?" question that's likely to come up.

Just wanted to mention a lot of people don't believe in drinking liquids with their meals. They say it dilutes the digestive juices, causes digestive problems, and isn't healthy. ---> Now back to your regularly scheduled broadcast.

[cerenatee 90]

As someone who is upfront and honest with others about what I have done and am going through, I'm a little offended by your statement. I believe we all have our opinions, and you are certainly entitled to yours, but I don't see telling someone about your wls as a negative thing. It's a life choice that we all made and, the way I feel, I want to be with someone who understands that life choice. To me, it's the same thing as telling someone that you don't eat pig or that you are a vegetarian.

A very wise woman once told me "People's reactions to you are never about you; it's always about them. So their reactions don't reflect who you are; it reflects who they are." She made TREMENDOUS sense and has never steered me wrong.

Sorry some reacted negatively to your post. The important thing is you are awesome.

[TapSnap 357]

I didn’t expect this thread to go like this but anyways...

I am a very open person that tells everyone everything if it’s asked. I tell random people at the store and other places that I had surgery I don’t care. I am sure I will have issues with telling people when it comes to dating but if they don’t want to talk to me because of it then it’s not worth my time either.

Everyone is different and after reading some comments on here I am shocked at how some people reacted to others comments. This is supposed to be a support site. I just wanted others opinions on the topic not people bashing other for what they do or don’t do. I guess I’ll think twice before posting a topic again.