Dr. Gerald Kirshenbaum - Considering Dr. Kirshenbaum

[Lap_dancer 8]

From my OA group. Family of Origin and Family of Choice (FOC)

An original idea.

..............................................

What you've related is exactly why I have a family of origin ( my

parents, brother, and sisters) and my family of choice (the wonderful friends I have, my support groups, therapy groups, church, and just joyful people God places on my path).

My FOC is what I get support and encouragement from, not my "real" family. They cannot relate to my life. I'm single, been a single parent most of my daughter's life, I work hard, I have a lot of physical and mental illness, I have trauma they cannot

begin to understand or even fake comfort. It's not their fault, they are not in recovery. I've been in years of therapy and recovery and have more emotional depth than they do. I try to "radically accept" them, but find it difficult to get past the hurt. I know it is something I must do so they don't continue to hurt me and I can continue on with my recovery.

[mare5569 0]

LapDancer, your story made me cry. It seems like we all relived it with you with varying twists. Somewhere in life, we were told our family is all we have and we have to hang on to them no matter what they do. What a bunch of %#^^*##!!!!! About 8 years ago my husband, bless him, told my brother to never call me again. It was the best thing that could have ever happened. Yeah, there are times when I miss having a family, Mom and Dad are both dead and brother is only sibling, but when I think of the abuse I use to put up with and the way I would apologize and try to make everything better again, the years and years I tried, I am so blessed to be AN ONLY CHILD!!!

We care about you.

Marilyn

[marcyinak 0]

Alaska Update - Ok, so I made it through a fill, a vacation, and even the fair and I come home and weigh myself...I've LOST 5 lbs! This is GREAT because I thought I was eating all the time! I feel good and need some new jeans, but that'll have to wait until I get ahold of some money! Haha!

The chicken Slaughter of 2007 went well. I got off the plane, came into the house, changed clothes and started the carnage! It was a lot easier than I expected. It was time consuming and pretty physical (ripping the skin off of a bird is strenuous!) so my legs and arms are hurting (the GOOD hurt) today. I'll go for a walk later and stretch it all out. Needless to say, I ended up with a cooler half full of chicken meat! Not that it was the goal, but even the kids enjoyed watching mom! (Poor Stormy wasn't sure what to make of it all.)

I feel like I don't have good restriction...I can still eat more than I "should" so I'll be looking at getting another fill next month maybe.

Oh, do I miss the fast internet!!!

[marcyinak 0]

Lap Dancer -

[ShelbiCallie 0]

:girl_hug::girl_hug: Lap dancer :girl_hug::girl_hug:

I'm sorry, but I'm also very proud of you. You are becoming so healthy & strong and they (sister,mom) feel threatened as they lose that power and control over your emotions-- they have to sit and watch while you set the new boundaries of your relationships. Hold strong to your progress and don't let them take anything away. I love the way that you've already put a smart plan in place to take care of yourself while they learn the ways of the new world.

I have worked for years not to have any expectations of some of my more toxic family members. That way I'm not let down and their choices don't bother me. My mom was notorious for pitting one sibling against another, so I'm feeling these posts today. Hugs, friend.

[marcyinak 0]

Lap -Oh my crap! I think it's *funny* that mom's don't think it's intrusive (or even don't have a second thought, if they had a thought at all) to look at private information about their GROWN children (growing children is a whole different story). Did you happen to explain to your sister, while she was yelling at you, that this particular conversation is a prime example of what you have issues with? I found it ironic that she berated you about her berating you. (did that make sense?)

Anyway, about some of Lap's comments...

While I was staying with my mom last week I left the computer on one day and it was on Lapbandtalk and what'ya know, she read it. I wasn't so horrified for myself (although it DID piss me off), but I regret the intrusion into YOUR privacy. I'm sorry and it will NEVER happen again. I'm not sure how much she read, but I find all of this private and I wouldn't share anything with anyone else outside the site...just my own principal - I honestly don't care if you share horrific stories from Alaska!

I was also thinking about how some people beat us up emotionally without yelling....how many times I was told "boy, you look good in that dress"...but what I heard was "you ONLY look good in that dress".

Now, I am learning that it's OK to have emotional baggage...I am not one to blame my issues on anyone, but it's nice to know where some of my thoughts and actions come from.

[NM Sunshine 1]

Lap Dancer

CONGRADULATIONS, you are strong. So glad to hear that you set your boundaries and didn't let them pull you down. The Greek cafe sounds wonderful and to treat yourself with a Greek salad. You're learning to love yourself. I am happy to hear that.

I find more strenght in the people who understand where I am at and whose hearts are for the best for me. That is what I have also found here. This trip (surgery then the letting go of food in a harmful way) is hard, damn hard. People here understand that. Good luck to you.

[NM Sunshine 1]

Lap Dancer... are you into art??? I am an artist, my current work is at my website Fine Art Landscape Prints, Artist Brenda wilhite, Brenda Pennebaker I'm doing these funky happy and colorful desert wild pigs (havalinas). I have a show going on now in Livingston Montana of 16 paintings and 7 print editions....and I'm selling my work yipppeee.

Marcyinak... are you from Alaska? I sort of am in that I lived with my honey there for 3 years. Anchorage. He's from Montana and Alaska with the park service. I loved Alaska

[marcyinak 0]

NM Sunshine - FROM Alaska? Well, I live here and can't get out!!! I tried, but then married a fella and convinced him to be a State Trooper, now we're stuck for 20 more years! Haha! I was a military kid and was born in Iceland! I've lived in Fairbanks, Bethel, and now Nome. Someday we'd like to go to Ketchikan where my DH's brothers are....we'll see. The Troopers are like the military, we move around to different posts.

Fun Fact: Doctor who delivered me in Iceland also delivered all three of my children in Fairbanks, Alaska! Same Latitude! Haha!

[want2bmeagain 0]

Stephaniez ~ Wow! I am so glad you posted! What time is his surgery? What time is the preop in the office the day before? Have you booked the hotel? When do you fly into Denver and how long are you staying? Let's touch base on it all, it would be wonderful to meet. I am so encouraged by your success! :Banane01:Maybe we could all plan a "last supper" the night before:clap2: , at least the the extent we are allowed!

Lap~I will never truly understand the motives others can have...as the years have gone on, I have had to learn what bounderies are, and with each new healthy picket to my fence, often came the time to push the "delete" button on someone in my life. I have a son with bipolar disorder (medicated and stable now), and since learning more about the disorder, can see it within my own, and my ex husband's family (poor kid in the genetic food chain!)~ I have not spoken to my own sister for over 3 years because she has done everything in her power to break me down, even trying to get me in trouble at my job after sending 40 emails to my company's legal department. I have never done anything hurtful to her other than her perceiving that my hard working, paycheck earning, involved mothering of my kids, thankful to be alive self is a threat to her. As much as she tries to rattle my gate (she is now trying to find some way to call my ex husband..who is a jerk..and has emailed my daughter for his number...why??? anyone's guess), the fence is too strong. Sometimes, there will be people in our lives, that as long as we have lived with integrity and know we have not wronged them, that we just have to walk away from. There is something about a woman becoming strong and independent that grossly inflames some people. Could be their own hurts, could be mental illness, could be projection, could be jealousy..who knows. But, it is ok for us to step back and add another picket to our fence. We need to treasure our energy so that we have it to use in positive ways. I am so sorry what happened. Your mother had no right to violate your privacy, and then to share that violation with someone else, your sister. Sometimes, Ive had to confront her or my ex with authority, strength, and peace. Other times, I have walked away knowing that I am sure glad I don't live in their miserable skin. Most important to me, no matter which response is the most effective, is to be secure in myself and to know it is about THEM, and it is NOT about me. Give yourself permission to add a picket to your fence. Your strength and determination will bounce back. Feel a sort of strange "pity" that your family has to use meanness as some sort of recreation. Don't give them the power to play that game on your court....

[jfk 0]

Lap Dancer...

I don't post ofter, but, I have to say that I have followed your story and your courage is inspiring. Thank you so much for posting it and the OA thoughts and guidelines as well. I'm sure I'm not the only one on this board who looks forward to reading the wisdom.

The things you have spoken of, I understand fully. I have been there too. It took me many years to learn the lessons of the serenity prayer...I'm still learning. Its hard to say, 'the thing is done', 'let it go and go forward', 'I forgive (them, myself or whatever)'

This topic reminded me of a film I saw long ago called 'Rachel, Rachel'. It starred Joanne Woodward, and she won best actress for it. In the story, she had one of the most emotionally abusive mothers imaginable. It was very inspiring to me to see how she finally dealt with that issue, and looked hard at her own life and dealt with it too. If you ever get a chance to rent it or catch it on television, it would be well worth your time. It had some lessons I've not forgotten.

Well, I am finally scheduled for my first fill with Dr. K. in Denver on Sept 12th. I have heard that he is extremely conservative with his fills. I am hoping to do another in Oct. Has anyone had two fills from him and how do you find your restriction now? I'm hoping that two will do at at least for the winter as it will be very difficult for me to return to Denver again before next spring.

Best of luck to everyone on this journey.

[Lap_dancer 8]

Goodmorning Friends:

First acknowledging the art prints on NM Sunhine's website. WOW. It gave me the thought that it would be a wonderful experience to do Plein Air painting as a group of those of us who are artists. Come in town for a fill, then on Friday or Saturday meet for Plein Air somewhere that the locals know of. I would tote my paints for that experience.

I thank you all for your wonderful encouragement. It has meant more to me than words can express. It definately has been a hault to bingeing as I have drawn strength from you all.

A couple of things that happened over the past day and a half. First, someone told me that events happen in our lives and they may not be as we would hope them to be but in the end, they result in that which is better for us.

Since as far back as I can remember, there has been a them vs. me relationship. I was applauded as a child for using my money to "take something home to sis" when I was in a store. It could be a penny candy or something trite but it was something nurtured in me, to care about your sister. I can assure you it was not the other way around. Why? Was I somehow less of a person because I was not the first born? What about the stories that children do, the funny things they say, misheard words that are pronounced in a funny manner... over the years, they evolved into all being what my sister said, or did. Oddly enough, when I was a teenager and my sister ( 3 years older) was drinking beer, smoking and driving to parties in my mother's car, I was the kid sister who sat in the backseat and kept my mouth shut. When cigarette butts were found in the ashtray, I said they were mine so my sister wouldn't get in trouble. Beer bottles...mine. They weren't. I hated beer. I was grounded, chastised, all for my sister who would say, "thanks" for shielding her from being grounded. Sister first right?

When I was 21 I had to get out. I moved 1200 miles away. Here I was down here in Florida with no relatives, my husband became my best friend, my spouse, my confidant..because there really was no one else. I was blamed and fingerpointed at every time something negative had because "if you were closer to home..." some how the world would magically change to my favor.

My mother retired and moved 1200 miles close to me. I imagined this wonderful experience. FINALLY! I could have my mom to myself without any interference from my sister who always managed to drama herself into the center of the picture. And for a few moments it was wonderful. I have this sweet memory of going to a Tea Room near my house with my mother and getting to nurture HER. Of going to an antique store and buying a vintage doll for her birthday. Then after my sister's first long visit it all changed. My sister couldn't stand living where my mother had lived, and now she wanted to move here. She also had an affair ( totally justified by her and my mother, after all, my loving brother-in-law didn't want to go anywhere, was not as affectionate as she liked and besides, he was only a delivery man!) The new guy is a PILOT (said over and over and over). While my sister was still married, my mother covered for my sister when she brought the other man down here on vacation. When we all went out to dinner, here is this stranger sitting with my sister. My children, in their early twenties) later asked me "Are Aunt P and Uncle C seeing other people?" It was awkward, embarrassing and I was so very angry at her for exposing my family to this very awkward situation. (but I'm the one with the problem).

My sister moved down here two weeks ago. Any dreams I had of family of origin celebrating together in a healthy and loving manner are Napalmed. The decision is no longer it's us or them the decision is it is my recovery and health or them. For me there is no other option. I am creating a new family now. I have a friend who is older and wiser and still young enough to be like an older sister to me. She has so much love in her that she would make a wonderful older sister. I asked her if she would be my older sister, she was thrilled.

I have another person in my life who I asked to be a sister to me, she never had a sister and thought the idea was so clever that she laughed and giggled like a school girl. These people respect me and love me for who I am. They would never even consider reading my private entries and then confronting me. They are my new sisters.

My extended family are the ones I have in my support group. Some of you here on Lapbandtalk have my love and admiration. I know you care, you REALLY care about me. You have no hidden agenda and I can trust you. I have never known that with my Family of Origin. This is how I am moving on.

My salad yesterday was DIVINE. The vegetables were tender and the greens were sweet. It was like mother earth produced these soft leafy greens as a gift to ease my worried self.

I got in for my therapy appt. today at 3. I am eager to tell her what has happened and gain direction from her. I will share her thoughts with you all this evening when I get home.

With much love and respect for you all.

Have a grand day.

Lap Dancer!

[Mal 0]

LAp~My heart aches for you, tears are rolling down my cheek as I am typing. Your post is so touching and heart breaking. I pray for your strength, you have been through so much in the last months. Our support here is incredible, we are all sisters (and brothers), we are here becuase we want to be. We want to help each other through the tough times and cheer them on. We are here to cheer you on and help you through this how ever we can!

Have a powerful day!

[DynamoMini 1]

Lap - you are a powerful person. You touch me.

NM - I loved your paintings. I paint too. I wonder about a bandster art league.

So many of us are tortured by the past and present family disfunction. I read an interesting article that touched on my struggles of late and will pass it on here. Nothing profound, but perhaps a tool.

http://www.calorieking.com/library/articles/Is-Your-Inner-Child-Making-You-Fat_cGlkPTEzLDY2JmFpZD04ODQ.html

It is about taming your inner child and making decisions to grow up and be an adult. I thought parts of it were revealing. Hope you find it interesting.

Hugs all,

Michelle

[NM Sunshine 1]

Marcylink

Brrrr Nome is cold. I loved Alaska. But, the winters are tough without the sunshine. You have the really cold dark winters in Nome. But you got the Northern Lights. I almost peed my pants the first time I saw them. I watched the night sky in Alaska and first saw a whitish globe that looked like an alien spaceship or something. Then the waves and colors began to dance out of the white and soon the whole arch of sky was covered with dancing colors. AWESOME!

My DH was the manager for telecomunications in state of Alaska.

Anchorage is MUCH easier to live in than Nome.

DYNAMO thanks. What sort of art do you do? Bandster Art League sounds cool. I'll read that article you URLed.