Why can't my husband understand????

[waitingtiljan 0]

:think :think :think :think :think

I am just so upset! Why is it so hard for my husband to understand what it feels like to live as an overweight person? Why does he keep trying to talk me out of this surgery???? I've already registered for the manditory seminar which is in a few days. I'm self pay and have been approved for financing. I am so exstatic that I'm going to have this done. My life will finally start to change FOR THE BETTER! I feel like I've been living just day to day for everyone else. Get the kids to school, take care of my 3 year old, pick the kids up, make dinner. Oh..and take a nap so the day goes by a little faster!! Start over the next day. It's pathetic, but I'm so unhappy being fat. SO UNHAPPY! I hate seeing myself, I hate other people seeing me. I dread that someone will notice me or even want to talk to me. I have lost so many friends because I just don't want to go out in public because I have to buy ugly, old lady, Walmart clothes!! I don't feel worthy of a friend, I don't feel like I could fit in with any women my age because I'm LESS of a person.

My husband watched Oprah with me yesterday adn told me .."why can't you lose weight like Dr. Oz says?" "Hire a personal trainer" "Just stop eating, eat diet meals" Then when I tell him..I've tried all of that!!! I've done every diet for the last 25 years! I lose a little and gain it back. I just feel like he thinks me getting this surgery means that I'm a failure. That I am taking the easy way out. I know I could lose weight if I quit eating, but it's just so hard to stick to a diet. I'm 38 and weigh 275. He knows I try, but still he wants me to keep trying and failing. He thinks I need to go talk to "someone" because being so miserable from being fat isn't normal. Being so mad about being fat isn't normal. "Who cares if you are overweight?" he says. Just live your life and be happy. Ughhh!:angry

There is nothing worse than not having your husband of all people on your side. Especially when I have no friends to call. I can't even talk to my family or even my sister because they are TOTALLY against it!! My mom told me over Thanksgiving that she wants to talk me out of it before she goes home. I feel so alone and it just stinks!

I want this done, I will have it done, but how do I get him to understand that he will have a much happier wife as a result.

How can I make him get it??:help: Thanks for listening!!

[barbara465 2]

That's a hard one, but one many have experienced. First, you must make the decision for yourself. You know what is right for you and what you can handle. Once that is done, let him know why and when you are having the procedure. He won't really understand. No one does that hasn't been here before. That's OK. They can give support etc. once they see that you are determined.

Remember, our loved ones also fear for our safety. They are scared as well so they try to talk us out of it. Once they see you are determined most come around. Tell him what you expect from him and what you expect from yourself.

We are here on the board for your emotional support. That's what most of us come here for. Even though we may have supportive people in our lives, experiencing this with others in the same situation is definitely easier.

I would get some help, either individually or in a support group. You are a worthy individual fat or skinny. Having self worth issues only adds fuel to the fire. You need to work through those issues so you can expand your world and have some friends and social life.

Many people that don't do all of the exploratory work on themselves have difficulty when they start to lose weight. They don't see the slimmer person and never accept the new body image. You don't want that to happen to you. You want to accept yourself as you are so that you can accept yourself as the new you that you become.

Hope all this makes sense and is helpful. Good luck to you.

[edieparks 2]

Wow I feel for you. Why husband kept asking me if I was SURE over and over again. I would ask what do you mean? He finally spit out that it would change my eating habits and he knew I loved to eat. I said I've eaten everything I have ever wanted and look where I'm at!! Yes I was sure.

Sometimes you have to do for yourself. It will be you and your band, not you and your husband and other family members. It is a journey between you and your band. You have to learn what your band tells you.

My husband knows now I WAS ready.I am so happy. I feel so in control . My highest was 272 at 5'4" so I can feel for you.

edie

[niecyrenee 2]

waitingtiljan - My heart goes out to you. When I first started talking about have the surgery, my husband was totally against it. He did however go to the seminar with me because I begged him and told him how much it would mean to me. He went, listened, learned and still was against it. :faint: That was in September 2005.

Well, I continued to research and bring it up every little bit and tried to be patient. As time went on, I dieted and exercised and continued to fail. Slowly, very slowly, he began to see it as a possiblity, a very remote possiblity that this would work. I finally told him I was going to at least have a consultation visit with the surgeon and if nothing else, we could learn something. He took me to the visit and it wasn't until then that it finally clicked for him.

We set down with my surgeon and the head of Bariatric Services, Sylvia, at the hospital and talked. I asked them point blank about the risks, benefits and whether they felt that the benefits would outway the risks. I knew they did but I wanted my hubby to hear them say it. Sylvia told us that although right now I am in good health besides being morbidly obese, it wouldn't always be that way. The risks of being overweight were SO much greater than the risks of the surgery that she felt the beneifts FAR outweighed the risks. We were then told that my surgeon not only felt it was beneficial, that he himself believed enough in it that he had the surgery himself!! I couldn't believe it! Any doubts that I had went straight out the window!

The point of telling you all this is that my hubby felt like yours. He isn't obese. He carries a little extra weight but by no means knows what it is like to struggle with your weight. I was depressed....VERY depressed about my weight! When I was reading your post, I cried because I know exactly where you are. That has been my life and I was tired of it. I decided that I wasn't going to fool myself any longer that diets and exercise would work for me because they don't. They haven't work for my family either as most of them are obese as well.

I set down with my hubby after that told him that I wanted to do this for me but for my family as well. I WANT to spend a long happy life with him, I WANT to have children and be able to enjoy them, I WANT him to be proud to have me on his arm when we go in public! I wanted these things more than anything and it consumed me. One thing I had never done was shared with him how much I weighed. I always thought he would love me less if he knew (silly, I know). After he found out, he not only loved me the same but he finally understood.

It took the actual one-on-one visit at the doctor's office and the tearful heart-to-heart with him before he truly understood where I was coming from. After he got on board and we went through all the preliminary appointments, he was almost if not more excited than I was!! I had my surgery on November 8th and it's the best decision I have ever made. :biggrin1: The weight is starting to come off, I feel better than I have in years and I am happier with myself and with life which in turn has made me a much better person to be around for my hubby.

I tried to think the "Who cares if I'm overweight?" thing and I always came back to one answer....ME! I did this for my family, yes, but mostly, I did this for me! Continue to work on him, gently. Overtime he may come to understand why this is so important to you, I can't guarantee that he will, but I pray that he does. Hang in there and be patient. I know that is very hard to do, but it will be well worth it! You are in my prayers as well as your hubby for understanding. Keep us posted and good luck!!

[katylady 0]

It's your body and your decision, no one else's. I talked with my DH about the surgery for a while, told him I was researching it and started telling him everything I could find out about it. He wasn't keen on the idea at first, gave me the same reasons yours did. Naturally, I didn't listen to him, Instead, I forged ahead and researched the doctors, the cost, the procedure and the insurance. Since our insurance doesn't cover bariatric surgery, I decided to self pay because I didn't want to hassle with the insurance company and I'm financially able to handle it myself.

Once I had everything in place, I made an appointment with the doc and went home and told the hubby that I WAS doing this, and he could either support me or not. He knows how hard headed I can be once I make up my mind, and lucky for him, decided he'd come out ahead if he supported me.

Now he is seeing results and is happy I did it.

[HealthQuest 1]

:think :think :think :think :think

I am just so upset! Why is it so hard for my husband to understand what it feels like to live as an overweight person? Why does he keep trying to talk me out of this surgery???? I've already registered for the manditory seminar which is in a few days. I'm self pay and have been approved for financing. I am so exstatic that I'm going to have this done. My life will finally start to change FOR THE BETTER! I feel like I've been living just day to day for everyone else. Get the kids to school, take care of my 3 year old, pick the kids up, make dinner. Oh..and take a nap so the day goes by a little faster!! Start over the next day. It's pathetic, but I'm so unhappy being fat. SO UNHAPPY! I hate seeing myself, I hate other people seeing me. I dread that someone will notice me or even want to talk to me. I have lost so many friends because I just don't want to go out in public because I have to buy ugly, old lady, Walmart clothes!! I don't feel worthy of a friend, I don't feel like I could fit in with any women my age because I'm LESS of a person.

My husband watched Oprah with me yesterday adn told me .."why can't you lose weight like Dr. Oz says?" "Hire a personal trainer" "Just stop eating, eat diet meals" Then when I tell him..I've tried all of that!!! I've done every diet for the last 25 years! I lose a little and gain it back. I just feel like he thinks me getting this surgery means that I'm a failure. That I am taking the easy way out. I know I could lose weight if I quit eating, but it's just so hard to stick to a diet. I'm 38 and weigh 275. He knows I try, but still he wants me to keep trying and failing. He thinks I need to go talk to "someone" because being so miserable from being fat isn't normal. Being so mad about being fat isn't normal. "Who cares if you are overweight?" he says. Just live your life and be happy. Ughhh!:angry

There is nothing worse than not having your husband of all people on your side. Especially when I have no friends to call. I can't even talk to my family or even my sister because they are TOTALLY against it!! My mom told me over Thanksgiving that she wants to talk me out of it before she goes home. I feel so alone and it just stinks!

I want this done, I will have it done, but how do I get him to understand that he will have a much happier wife as a result.

How can I make him get it??:help: Thanks for listening!!

Hubby is scared. He will come around. Sit him down and explain about how this affects you self esteem, and how he would have a much happier wife and marriage if he would just support your decision. Invite him to visit this site, and learn about the procedure. Keep us updated.

[DomincanGirl 0]

First I just want to say HUGS TO YOU ,

I read you post crying my eyes out .. I feel the exact same way you do.

It felt like you typed my thoughts , I too have NOBODY to who supports me. I dont have a husband any more as I am now going through a divorce, but I feel so alone in my battle or struggle to change my life.

I understand how hurt you feel that your husband isnt being supportive..and Im sorry that you have to go through that.

The thing I am doing is what I have always done with my feelings , Im just tucking them inside and proteting myslef . I WILL do this sugery , even though I will have no family along with me (I chose to not tell my family ..as they would be brutly honest on how I am stupid to let someone cut me open to loose weight)

I will pray for you that you can find the strength to be there for yourself ..even if nobody else will.

If you just want to talk with someone who understands please PM me.

Hugs to you again Sweetie

[Woodys 0]

Sounds like your husband needs to be knocked into the real world. If it was that easy to just go on a diet and exercise to lose then why is there almost 12,000 members at this forum who are already banded or waiting to be.

Another reality check....how would he cope with his conscience if his objections stopped you from getting help from lapband surgery and then you die from obesity?

Doesn't sound nice at all.....but he needs to think in the real world.

Carol

[Dena 2]

My heart goes out to you. I have to agree, you are doing this for yourself first and its your decision. I was getting ready for work on Aug. 25, 2005 and saw Dr. Spivak's commericial...called his office that day, made an appointment for the seiminar on Aug. 30th (or 31st), came home that night, TOLD my husband I was having the procedure (but later asked him what he thought, he said "does it matter?", which I had made up my mind and I don't think he could have changed it).....went to the seminar and had surgery on Sept. 16, 2005........I never did any other research until after I was banded. When hubby saw that it was working for me, he was banded on Jan. 25, 2006. No one can tell you what to do, and I don't know how I would have felt had my husband not supported me......but in the end I did it for me (and to be here longer for the family). I pray that everything works out for you, but whatever you decide, remember you are a beautiful person.....inside and out!

[charlesmerik 0]

I hate that, people sometimes think that the surgery it's because of image, to look better, yeah thats a plus but it's a healthy way to live, with obesity you have a lot of problem dissease in the future but people don't see that.

[ReneBean 3]

He is probably afraid - on several levels.

First - the dangers of surgery and the possibility that you might not get up off the table. This is actually the easiest fear to fight. Lap Band statistics are MUCH better for your actual safety during and immediately after surgery than any other bariatric procedure.

Second - he is afraid about what happens if you do lose the weight and become this happy, outgoing person. Will you lose interest in him? Will you spend all your time with your new friends and neglect him? or - the most scary of all - will you find another MAN?

Now - mind you - he probably doesn't even consciously KNOW that this is why he is frightened - but it is. I combatted those fears by giving my husband some extra lovin' every time I talked about the surgery.

"Honey, I am so glad you are behind me on this. I know I will succeed with you helping me..." And of course - lots of sex is helpful, too.

I wish you the best of luck. I would also advise that you DO talk to someone - both now and during the process of losing the weight - because weightloss really shouldn't be the main basis on which you judge your own worthiness to be seen or to have friends.

Perhaps a little counselling will help you through the process - and hey, you can always take your DH along for that, too.

Hugs & Good Luck!

[waitingtiljan 0]

OMG! Thank you all for being so nice! I appreciate every word of encouragement. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone and I can come here and vent.

I've been talking to my husband about this surgery for over a year. At first I only mentioned it in a jokingly way because I never dreamed I would do it. But after all the research I've done..I finally said to myself. Why not have it done. I always thought...no insurance, no way. But I never knew it would be so affordable. NOW I do think he is scared. He does love me and he really isn't a jerk. He just doesn't understand how I can feel so miserable being me. I want him to be proud of me..no embarrassed.

After I go to the seminar I'm going to start going to the support groups. I do think that would help me. I have a lot of weight related issues ..I know i do. Having some support would mean so much to me and if I can find it in a group..that would be wonderful. My husband does support everything I do, he really just doesn't want to talk about this surgery with me. He thinks I should be able to do it without surgery. For me, this surgery won't cure me, but it will REALLY help me out!!

Thanks everyone for responding to my message..it's nice to know I can talk to you.

[the best me 6]

Say something like this...

"Honey, I know you don't understand why I can't "just lose weight". I don't expect you to understand it. Some days, I don't even understand it myself. "just eat less" or "just choose better foods" are only words, I can't explain it to you. I have researched this well. I am at peace with this decision. I know how I eat and I know the band will help me get control when I don't have it. I know I can do this and I know it will even be frustrating and difficult. I don't need you to understand me or change me. I need you to love me and support me."

Maybe that will help him?

[Paulax 8]

My dh reacted the same way. I feel for you, many men/women others can't understand our pain and the struggle.

I just quoted that 95-97% of people who diet, eventually fail gaining back all the weight.

I also said that if I needed a new hip or knee replacement, he would feel different.

I also said that if as he said, "eating a little less and exercising a little more" worked, he'd be a billionarie and have solved obesity as we know it. Dr Oz too for that matter.

Finally, I said, this is my body and my money, and my decision.

He wishes I didn't do this, I wish I didn't have to resort to surgery, but until some brainiac comes up with a magic pill, this is my best choice for a healthier life.

PS hugs, I hope your guy comes around. Mine did, we don't talk about it much, which I prefer, but I sure feel better about myself 50 pounds less, he can see that I feel better. This is time for me. I too have 3 kids and have given up my all to be their mom and his devoted wife. This is for me.

I told my dh that I appreciated his challenging my thinking, but in the end, I feel this was my best choice.

Good luck, this is probably the toughest part, making and following through with your decision.

hugs

[LuckyGirl 1]

Hang in there! Maybe he feels insecure cause deep inside he knows that once you're thin - he won't be so attractive... Luckily my husband is all for it - i think he thinks the weight loss will result in more hanky panky and a boob job later - sure whatever:nervous no, he really is great - but he does think this and i'm all for a boob lift later to go with my new body!! oh, and a Tummy Tuck sounds good to me - babies are hard on the body!!