female only My marriage sucks

[ooffa511 506]

We had a huge fight lastnight, I told him if he leaves his job I will file for divorce. I became a mom at 19 and worked my butt off. I bought my very own house at 25. Almost 6 years in and I'm going to lose it all. We are hs sweethearts and got reunited years later. The guy I remember was hard working, now all he is is a loser. I'm so torn with this. He knows I've pawned my stuff and now says he won't do anything stupid. I don't believe. We have a lot of friends in common and they all say leave. When I am ever going to get this game of life right??

[Ms.AntiBand 2,984]

(Lol.. I had to use a calculator to figure out how long I've been married)

Anyway, I've been married almost 38 years and although my husband and I have had some extremely rough times we're still going. Can't say I wouldn't leave him if he consistently and voluntarily became unemployed though.

Your husband is being selfish and the worst thing he's doing is installing into your kids a poor and dangerous work/life ethics. One or all your kids are going to follow right in his footsteps and that is why you need to leave. Either he changes or gets help for the underlying issues he has with himself.

You're not just talking about your life, but your kids are counting on you to raise them with valuable guidance. Ol' hubby needs to learn that's it's NOT ALL ABOUT HIM!

[SweetTee 448]

Financial difficulties can ruin any relationship whether it be a friendship or a marriage. Think about it, how many family, friends, and spouses do you know that fell out over money?

I keep hearing you say your friends say leave him. I'm not trying to be ugly but I do firmly believe that you should keep your friends and family for that matter out of your marriage.

I'm not saying let a man dog you or walk all over you by any means.

I am however saying that you guys made a vow for better or worse. You also have children that you are responsible for.

I think that communication is the key. You have expressed to him how you feel and as a MAN he needs to respect your feelings and meet you half way. You say that he said he won't make any stupid decision, well give him the benefit of the doubt.

In the end only YOU need to decide when it's over and when you've taken all you can take. Don't let anyone's opinion but yours be the deciding factor. Do know that not everybody wants to see you succeed!

Lastly, I'm not sure if you are a religious person, but prayer can change conditions. Pray for you marriage, your husband, and your finances. I promise you it works. I have had to pray my way through many difficult times and God has always pulled us through.

My hope is that you can find a common ground and keep your marriage intact if at all possible. I also pray that your finances can work themselves out. I've heard one of the veteran posters speak about how debt is such a burden and he often speaks against incurring it and he's so right. As the old saying goes "money is the root of all evil" and it is true. Oh and "more money more problems" that's also true!

If you need to consider bankruptcy that's always an option. And you can file and keep your house.

I bet if you take those financial stressors out of your marriage it would probably be a happy and fulfilling one.

Tasha

[SweetTee 448]

We had a huge fight lastnight' date=' I told him if he leaves his job I will file for divorce. I became a mom at 19 and worked my butt off. I bought my very own house at 25. Almost 6 years in and I'm going to lose it all. We are hs sweethearts and got reunited years later. The guy I remember was hard working, now all he is is a loser. I'm so torn with this. He knows I've pawned my stuff and now says he won't do anything stupid. I don't believe. We have a lot of friends in common and they all say leave. When I am ever going to get this game of life right??[/quote']

And also men are just like babies and dogs, they need positive rewards and reinforcement, lol. Don't tear him down with the loser remarks. Build him up and tell him that you love him and believe in him. Let him know that you KNOW he can do anything he puts his mind to. Remind him of the fact that he was such a hard worker and you had so much admiration for that person. If someone calls you a loser and a bum so many times you began to think that maybe you are. Let him know that you believe in him am remind him of how much the children and you need him and support him. If he's any kind of man and if he truly loves you and the kids he won't let you down.

Try this line: I'm so disappointed in how things are between us right now. I KNOW that you can do anything you put your mind to and I believe that if we work together we can turn this thing around. You were such a hard worker at one time and I believe that person still exists. Don't let life beat you down. Know that I believe in you and I know you can work hard and pull us through! I will work along side you and I want this marriage to work! We love you and we NEED you.

Men want to feel needed and you have to give him something to fight for. If he believes that you really don't care and regardless of what he does you don't respect him or want him then what is left to fight for?

[ooffa511 506]

All great advice. He promises he won't do anything until we are in a better situation. I do believe him. He says he is fully aware of his past behavior and won't do anything to screw things up. Thank u everyone for your advice. I am going to stick this out a little longer. I've never prayed but maybe now is a good time to start. I just want peace in my life Thank u everyone again. It feels great have this group xoxo

[NurseGrace 509]

I'm not ever one to give marriage advice, as I have been married myself for only 2 years but I can't imagine how that much feel. At a different time this may not have been such a big deal, but times are hard and now is not the time to be hoping from one job to another whenever you don't like how someone looks at you.

Now, I say that with caution because I don't know WHY he wants to leave his job because you didn't say but maybe you could ask him this - If this is really his 6th or 7th job he has left in the past year or so I think he needs to get real about what his expectations are because in THAT many situations HE is the common factor. Most people in their life experience a terrible job or two, and most people even get fired at least once, but it sounds like he may be taking this too the extreme.

Maybe he hates the field he is in?

[pottergirl 261]

no offense but he sounds lazy.....no fair you get the brunt of the stress on your shoulders......kind of selfish if you ask me. hope he does Turn around for you

[taylokat 180]

People will act anyway we allow them to act. My husband works at a job he hates, but he knows that he can't leave until he finds another job, something he has been trying to do for two years now. I also had to put my foot down as I know he would have quit 2 years ago if I didn't issue the ultimatum. Sometimes men need to be reminded that Grown ups have responsibilities and need to put their family before their own needs!

[havaneseday 8]

What would you gain by leaving him? Where would you and the kids go? Would he pay child-support ? I don't mean to minimize your pain, as I'm sure this is very painful. Ending a marriage is huge (especially if you have kids) so try not to let your emotions make an impulsive decision. Make sure you have a game plan in place before leaving him. If you're still in love with him, I would try to stick it out and aggressively work on a plan with him. I've known women who impulsively left their husband and lost the family home (couldn't afford to keep since he also had to pay rent), kids developed behavioral problems due to the chaos, their financial state was worse than before. So do your homework before thou leave.

[Amanda626 153]

He needs to think of someone other then himself! Find another job then quit! Grow up ! Congrats on your loss and keep your chin up

[Kelly1334 52]

We have been to counseling on and off for years. And yes we do have children together. But all they do is see us fight. I just pawned my jewelry to save our house and then he drops this bomb. I am trying everything I can

I'm not married but as a child of parents who faught non stop I feel I can weigh in (no pun intended). Vows or not children know when your parents are not happy and it takes a toll on then as well. If its not a healthy situation for you then odds are it's not for your Kids either. It sounds like you've worked tirelessly your kids will acknowledge that. My parents divorced and after I had a better relationship with both parents being in a house with much less conflict. You know the right answer, only you live your life day to day. Don't be afraid to care for yourself te way you care for others. Good luck, thinking of you in these hard times. Xx

[anniemay 150]

six jobs in seven years....no matter how you look at it - there is a problem....and the reality is not you or his job will ever make him happy. Only he can do that.....

[MrsGina 101]

Coming from someone who has been married for almost 35 years.

There are a lot of things to consider before making such a big decision.

Is he a good husband, a good father, does he help you? Why is he so unhappy with his job, does he go even if he hates it. Will extra schooling help him improve his situation.

I don't know him so I can't judge if he's good or bad. You love him so he must have some good qualities.

35 years has not been all roses but loyalty and sacrifice are all about commitment. And remember he loved you fat, how many men would do that?

God bless you both!

[tigerbelle 328]

remember he loved you fat, how many men would do that?

I take issue with that sentiment...just because someone stays in a relationship with you when you were fat (whether he/she loves you or not) does not mean you "owe" them some sort of loyalty...you say that as if being fat is some kind of moral failure or defect...I could somewhat see your point if you had said something like "he stood by your side when you battled cancer..." also in some cases, like when a spouse keeps changing jobs, it is a deliberate choice being made and not something like getting an illness, gaining weight, getting laid off when your employer goes bankrupt

[anniemay 150]

Amen Tigerbelle! To stay when just because the were with you when you were fat sounds like an obligation. Turn it around - maybe he stayed w someone who was fat because he thought they'd put up with his crap because that was the best they could do.

To the original poster - I am not saying this was your situation. I believe in trying, setting agrees upon expectations. Sounds like you tried and he didn't honor his part of the bargain. Now you decide what is best for you and your children.