My best friend is mad at me for having the surgery, and it makes me so sad : (

[Hopeful in Rochester 10]

My friend and I have been best friends since we were 15. We have both battled weight issues since our teen years. Despite living completely different lives and living in different parts if the country, our friendship has always flourished. She let me know during the pre-op phase that she was completely opposed to the surgery, and that I could do it the old-fashioned way (even though neither of us had ever reached a healthy weight doing it the old-fashioned way). I love her so much and don't want to lose her, but se actually just asked me to back off and give her space. Anyone else have any issues with friends related to their decision to pursue surgery, and have any advice for me? Thanks everyone.

[Webchickadee 716]

Your friend could be concerned that the surgery may have complications and that she may lose you, or that you could become debilitated as a result of the surgery. With more knowledge, she could/would have a better understanding of your surgical choice and be less afraid and more supportive.

She may however be concerned about being "left behind". If you lose weight, an ongoing common bond between you will be broken and she may feel she is going to lose your friendship with your new slimmer lifestyle. She may also not want to be "the fat one" in the relationship after you've lost the weight, as it will feel less "equal".

There are so many reasons she may be feeling this way.........and these are just my two random guesses, without knowing either one of you or your relationship dynamics.

If she's asked you to give her space, it's probably best to do that. Focus on your own health and commitment to improving your future. If she's ready to come back to the friendship, she will, on her own timeline. You'll have plenty to keep you busy pre-op, post-op and in maintenance, believe me!

I'm only 2/3 of the way to my goal, but I'm very busy now with things I had let go in the past 20 years (all kinds of sports activities, more socializing, shopping, etc.). I hardly have time to breath! And it's very satisfying, believe me, to know I'm getting the life I always wanted back again.

Don't count the friendship as lost just yet though......she may just need some time to readjust her thinking, get over any fears she has about your health and to see that you still love and care about her just as much when you're skinny as when you weren't.....

[apricot1119 105]

You have made a major change that has caused her to examine her own shortcomings and insecurities. It isn't you she is upset with, it is just painful for her to see her own fears. She feels left behind. She has lost her eating buddy. Be compassionate with her and give her time. Try not to " rub it in her face". She is afraid of loosing you so she is pushing you away.

[gmanbat 5,889]

My wife was talking about RNY surgery and I was her biggest opposition.I told her the operation was like putting a gun to her head. I told her that I would become tyrannical and abusive like the idiot from "Sleeping With The Enemy" and keep her from eating if that would help her lose weight without the surgery.

Then I went to an informational meeting held by the surgeon. Her jaw hit the floor when we left when I announced that I not only approved of her surgery, but was contemplating getting myself sleeved.

Ignorance breeds fear. In her case, losing her fellow struggler is a factor, fear of being alone. I would give her space and time. When the light dawns on her she could be a brand new person and you'll have your friend back

[Ms.AntiBand 2,984]

Chances are she's scared of the unknown. My daughter is going from band to sleeve revision in the fall and her very good friend was adamant about her not doing it... So much he offered to pay her not to do it. He's scared.. Simple as that.

Some friends.. Even BBF are jealous and there's not a lot that can be done about that. Like when my sister in law decided to have a facelift. I was against her doing it and very critical behind her back and in reality I was just totally jealous .. Sad but true!

[notmeanymore 629]

Unfortunately I lost my best friend when I told her I had gone to the seminar and decided that it was the best thing for me. She has never been overweight a day in her life so I know its difficult for her to understand the struggles and health complications that come with being obese. Ill give her that but as a best friend, I was shocked and devastated that our friendship ended over it. I was floored that she wasnt supportive. Im healthier now and realize that the only best friend I need is my husband.

[deltadawn817 106]

I want you to know her decision in her feeling have NOTHING to do with you. IT has everything to do with her own personal struggles. I am saying this because she is overweight also. This weight thing has been something you have shared and had in common. Today is my surgiverssary and I have learned so much about myself this last year on so many levels. There are reasons why we over eat and don't exercise and self destruct You will still have to deal with those issues no matter what route you take in a weight loss journey.

I feel your friend is just at her own loss on her issues and mad at you for grabbing your issues by the balls and dealing with the issue at hand.

[mrsderouen 12]

On my first consult with my Dr he was going over some of the side effects of the surgery. He said in a very serious voice at the end of his speech, "Bonnie there is one more side effect that I want you to be aware of and I am not kidding when I say this. One of the biggest side effects of WLS is divorce." He explained that some spouses like enabling, some are jealous of the extreme change, other spouses are insecure of their relationship, some WLS recipients step outside of their marriage...and the list goes on and on.

It all comes down to security in one's self. Do not think that you have done anything wrong in your decision to have WLS. You are doing what is best for YOU...no one else has to live in your body except YOU. Give your friend space and after a while if you feel compelled to make contact simply ask her to share her concerns about why she doesn't want you to have the surgery.

I have not told the person who I consider to be a really close friend because I know that she can be extremely jealous and sometimes cruel behind other's backs (not a quality I like but it is what it is). She is also an average sized person who is constantly obsessed with her own weight and surrounds herself with friends who are all larger than she is (looking at it now I see why). I am not going to tell her because she may smile in my face and act supportive but inside I know it will eat away at her to think that I may end up healthier or smaller than she is.

It's all a personal choice that we make and live with. Good luck to you and I hope that this does not affect your decision to go through with WLS!

[fyre_storm 1,412]

I told my bestie that I was getting the sleeve! And three months later she got it too! Just talk to your friend!

[TES 858]

Unfortunately I lost my best friend when I told her I had gone to the seminar and decided that it was the best thing for me. She has never been overweight a day in her life so I know its difficult for her to understand the struggles and health complications that come with being obese. Ill give her that but as a best friend, I was shocked and devastated that our friendship ended over it. I was floored that she wasnt supportive. Im healthier now and realize that the only best friend I need is my husband.

I am sorry that happened to you but I think it shows she wasn't a true friend to begin with. One thing I need to say though is that I think friendships with other women (and guy friends too, if desired) are very important, in addition to having a close relationship with your husband. I think it's great that you have his support and your mileage may vary, but for me, I love having a close relationship with my husband (could be any significant other for other people)--but my friends bring a whole other dimension and depth to my life. I don't think it's good to be insular just with one's spouse. If anything every happened to him or her, it would be very sad and lonely, and I think you just enjoy and appreciate each other more when you have separate interests and time apart from each other in addition to the time you spend together and interests that you do share. With that said, I think it's great that you still have a support system in a loving spouse since your friend didn't have the good sense to stand by you during a time when you needed her support most.

[notmeanymore 629]

I am sorry that happened to you but I think it shows she wasn't a true friend to begin with. One thing I need to say though is that I think friendships with other women (and guy friends too, if desired) are very important, in addition to having a close relationship with your husband. I think it's great that you have his support and your mileage may vary, but for me, I love having a close relationship with my husband (could be any significant other for other people)--but my friends bring a whole other dimension and depth to my life. I don't think it's good to be insular just with one's spouse. If anything every happened to him or her, it would be very sad and lonely, and I think you just enjoy and appreciate each other more when you have separate interests and time apart from each other in addition to the time you spend together and interests that you do share. With that said, I think it's great that you still have a support system in a loving spouse since your friend didn't have the good sense to stand by you during a time when you needed her support most.

Thanks for your input TES. There is actually no one I would rather be with than my husband. He and I were best friends for 6 years before we started dating so he has been and always will be my #1 best friend. Yes, if something happened to my hubby I would be devastated. I do enojy activities with other friends away from my husband and we have seperate interests as well so in that sense, we are very healthy. Thank you very much for your concern, I mean that sincerely because I know you are just trying to help. Take care.

[JonB 114]

I feel very lucky that all my friends and family have been supportive.

[beba238 123]

She's being insecure and at the same time maybe she's scared for you. She might also be afraid that you will be more successful than her. OR that you'll find different friends. Nobody knows your struggle and i congratulate you on choosing surgery. Your friend will later come around it not you have nothing to worry about because it is part of this new life. Good Luck and worry about yourself first. The most important ppl right now are your main supporters.

My dad is a bit ignorant and very old school. I told him today i am having surgery next week and i was in COMPLETE shock when he said "I was hoping you would decide that on your own versus me bringing it up. I'm proud of you." what? lol you need supporters from wherever you can get them if your friend chooses not to support you its her loss, because once she see's how successful you'll be she's gonna come around and start asking questions. Good Luck again.

[Houston17 115]

I agree with the other posters about your friend being insecure about her own situation. Since she asked you to give her some space, I'm wondering if possibly with your excitement about your journey that you may be a little more focused on that when you are talking to her. I'm not saying that to be negative in any way. It's understandable that you are very excited about this but since she may be insecure about her situation, she may find it a bit overwhelming if this is the topic now most discussed. Just something to think about. I'm sure that she will come around. Be there to reassure her. Best of luck to you with your journey!

[GypsyQueen 198]

I agree with the other posters about your friend being insecure about her own situation. Since she asked you to give her some space' date=' I'm wondering if possibly with your excitement about your journey that you may be a little more focused on that when you are talking to her. I'm not saying that to be negative in any way. It's understandable that you are very excited about this but since she may be insecure about her situation, she may find it a bit overwhelming if this is the topic now most discussed. Just something to think about. I'm sure that she will come around. Be there to reassure her. Best of luck to you with your journey! <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />[/quote']

That is a possibility. I know once I made the decision to have WLS, I became almost obsessed with it. At first, friends asked lots of question and then I just continued talking about it. Too much. My BFF is so not interested. We still meet for lunch and talk about anything but WLS and things are fine. After surgery, I'm sure she'll dangle a French fry and coke in my face (she'll wait a month) just to torture me. And that's okay.