Mom of the little "big fat girl" Desperately Needs HELP

[jahair 0]

Dear Mom,

There's lots of good advice already given by other banders. I think you were right to take the suicide talk/attempt very seriously. Now the next step is to find her the right kind of therapeutic support -- meds and therapist. In my opinion, your daughter cannot move forward until her brain chemistry is working better and until she feels like she has the resources and ability to identify a plan for managing herself and her weight better. Both are easier to accomplish with meds and therapy.

I work with a child psychiatrist for my daughter who, like yours was consistently off the chart with height and weight for kids her age. In addition, she had ADD and depression and anxiety. From the psychiatrist, I got some good leads for therapists who speak "young teen."

When you get out of the woods emergency-wise, you might like to explore these web sites for clothes that might appeal to teens. My daughter's complaint was that everything that fit her made her look like an old woman. These sites have a younger feel. Of course, as Mom, you will have to look for things appropriate for a girl of 12, but you could be a hero this Christmas with some trendy clothes. :clap2:

Here are some websites that have clothing that might appeal to a plus sized teenager.

Click here: www.dELiAs.com Really good for a 12 yr. old.

Click here: extended sizes < Alloy

Click here: Gurley Gear Virtual boutique Home

Good luck and check back to let us know how things are going.

Jo Ann

[Elisabethsew 50]

I am going to disagree with the prepared meals suggestions that Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem offer. Those foods are expensive, have a lot of salt, and really would not appeal much to a girl of 12-13. I think she would see that route as a punishment.

I think you will find that you're daughter will do much better if she understands what's making her fat. Start by taking your daughter shopping with you and let her do comparison shopping. For example, show how many calories are in one cup of a sugar Cereal as compared to something like one cup of Special K or Corn Flakes or Cheerios.

Take your daughter to a registered dietician (very different than a nutritionist) to determine her daily nutritional needs (calories, Protein, carbs, fats) and to learn what constitutes NORMAL portion sizes. Sample meal plans could be made up by your daughter and the dietician so that your daughter would be assured of eating foods that she enjoys.

Spend time teaching your daughter to prepare meals with you. "Oven Fry" foods with a spray of Pam instead of pan frying or deep frying in a lot of oil. Get her to make fresh fruit salad. Take recipes she likes and modify them to make them more healthy but still good tasting such as making a pizza with some diced chicken on it and half the amount of cheese.< /span>

Weight watchers has teen groups. Call the nearest center in your area and see if you can your daughter can sit in on a meeting for free. They usually allow this.

Don't make these changes just for your daughter. Eating healthy should not be just for your daughter or she will see it as a punishment. Toss out all of the crap and get in 100 calorie snack packs, healthy cereals, tasty Soups (toss the creamed stuff). Experiment with different veggies and salads. Walden's makes a fat free, sugar free, cal free, carb free line of dressings that taste like they are full of fat. They are in the refrigerator section by the lettuce. Toss some lettuce in a bowl, mix in a can of tuna, a diced apple, a small palm full of raisins and a few tablespoons of diced walnuts. The more you involve your daughter in the purchasing and preparing of healthy foods, the greater the chance that she'll adopt it as a lifestyle. You'll also be doing good for every member of the household.

Finally, take your daughter to see an endocrinologist to make sure there are no hormonal issue contributing to her weight gain. Since your daughter hoards food in her room and seems to eat at night, why not take up a hobby with her? Once the homework is done, why not go to the gym, take a ceramics class, learn beading, sewing, etc.?

I was a fat child who became a fat teen and adult. You are obviously a very caring and loving mother. Give some of the interventions offered in this thread a try and PLEASE come back often and update us or ask for more help.

[Kat817 19]

This may seem very insignificant in all the excellent advice you are getting...

A little girl I used to babysit for was very overweight, had been since she came to me at 7 yrs old. She would refuse fruit as a snack, would only eat Snacks if they were Little Debbie. We just gradually quit buying those!!!

But the turning point with Liz, came about by accident. I was on the phone with my Mom one day, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw her evesdropping around the door of the playroom. So I kinda turned the subject around to the kids, and told her I wished she could see the picture Liz had drawn at school, that I really thought she had talent. I didn't pour it on, but made sure she heard it, and went on to talk about other things, but nothing concerning her weight or what snack s we ate, and nothing about her thin, tiny little sister.

Every day she brought me pictures, and wanted to talk about her art! A few days later in the yard, we were kicking a soccer ball, and I ask her to help one of the little ones since she knew what she was doing. I would ask her about soccer rules (she had quit playing the year before due to being teased over her weight). Soon she wanted to play soccer everyday after school.

One day when she was out in the yard I took a chance and brooched the subject with Mom. She was totally relieved to have someone to talk to about it, so it went well thank goodness!! We decided to very non challantly mention positive things about her, and to try to do it, where she was not always involved in the conversation. Little comments...I said I would die for her long eyelashes ( I would!!!). It did not turn her around over night, but it did make a difference in her. She still is involved in art. She is 20 now! Engaged to be married...and still a little heavy, but nothing extreme. As she entered HS, she slimmed some off. But she played soccer again. She joined 4H, and was VERY involved in that with her animals. She found interests, and kindred spirits as she got older.

Your DD is at a very sucky (is that a real word?) age anyway. Very few girls feel like they fit in. My DD was a foot taller than any boy in the school! And insisted on wearing nothing but sweats, then got her feelings crushed because she was called a nerd!! Now if those sweats had had a pocket, I would have bet a pocket protector would have been present, but she still didn't want to be called a nerd!!!

As much as you work on her weight, work on her mind and heart. let her know the weight is on the outside, and the inside is perfect....work on her self esteem. As hard as it is going to be, it is going to be your job to build her up as the others tear her down. As she grows up, she will find her niche hopefully. She is definitely not the only girl who feels like she is on the outside looking in....you just have to try your best to help her along until she gains the maturity needed to help herself some.

Good Luck to both of you--I will say a special prayer for you. She is lucky to have someone love her so much...

Kat

[sweetviolet 0]

of all the afore mentioned--i too have been in those shoes all of my life--however, i thought i was huge at high school grad 180lbs--wish i were there now!! there are 2 eating plans i would suggest...seattle sutton NOT BUDGET or lean cusine BUDGET MINDED seattle sutton is healthy eating and Portion Control at about 80 dollars a week--lean cusine can be purchased for about 2 dollars a meal and supplimented with salad and fruit from the family budget. the most important thing is to accept her the way she is--don't reward with promised of clothing/trips/extra treats--all of those things are necessary to our well being regardless....i am still waiting for the trip to hawaii from an aunt that pulled this crap when i was young...i lost 111lbs and still did not get the trip!!!! PORTION CONTROL is the most important part--and sugarfree treats!!!! even now with the band they are my saving grace

[EVERS123P 0]

THANK YOU !!!!, really, THANK YOU ALL. I have read all the posts several times over and so much appreciate the feedback and suggestions you've all given. Just the fact that there are people that can relate at some level gives me some relief in all of this pain and feelings of helplessness. I choose the lightbulb icon, because several things that were mentioned really "stuck" with me and have given me some new ideas and more importantly "hope". First I want to cover some of the ?'s that were asked as this may give me even more answers/ insight.

Mackenzie has always been an active girl and very skilled in sports. Especially basketball and softball. She has always had a natural sports abilty. Ive always encouraged her involvement with the sports she chooses to participate in and I make a point to attend most practices ALL games. I always make a point to highlight her "good plays" and tell her how great a job she's done. But I also coach her and point out things to improve her game "back up first, when she's playing right feild, etc... TV time is limited to 30 minutes a night, but she rarely even gets that due to practices or games 4 days a week and an abundant amount of homework. Throw in dinner and a shower..call it a night. She is by no means a couch potato, which makes this even more frustrating.

Mackenzie and I attended a Weight Watchers meeting approx. 2 years ago, when she came right out and asked me "Mom, will you help me get smaller, I hate being fat" tears rolling down her cheeks, coming out of the JC Penny's dressing room. We went to two, I pushed for 3. She felt out of place and why wouldn't she? No one there was even close to her age, how could they relate to her, a baby at just ten. She refused to go back and I didn't push it. I have never pushed her to do anything she felt uncomfortable doing, other then seeing her current therapist. (She hates it!) but goes every Friday with me or her Father (we are divorced) So am I wrong to force her to go? Am I wrong for not making her go?

Her Father and I, up until recently, had very different views about her weight and how to "help". His sister and Mother have always had weight problems. ( Genetics component here ) and his Mother was very verbally abusive to his sister, maybe unintentionally, but still she was. The X has always made a point to make Kenz's plate for her and deny seconds. Allowing her younger brother to eat what ever he wanted. TOTALLY WRONG. He brought up the "weight issue" often. I am the complete opposite. I don't feel that I should take that decision away from her. How will she learn to make "good choices" on her own if they are made for her, I personally think that may have a hand in the "binging" and "hiding of food" she has been demonstrating. I try to focus more on what she thinks would be a good choice, 2nd serving of potatoes or green Beans? BUT I leave the decision completely up to her. Sometimes she thinks about it and eats healthy sometimes she dosen't. What is the right thing to do? I don't want to make food an "issue" but her weight is an issue. Does that make sense? I must mention that since our counseling, Dad no longer does these things and he is a good Father, very much concerned as am I .

Someone mentioned her current state of mind. It's weird. At times it is very apparent to me that she is depressed. Usually when trying on clothes or after a bad day at school but it is homework related. Not what someone said or did.It's hard for me to get a grip on what the trigger is. The majority of the time she appears to be quite happy and her "smart quick witted self" She eagerly tells me about her day or about things that didn't go well for her, again nothing to do with body image or weight. Then out of the blue, at least once a month she has a "blow-out" definately related to her weight. It catches me off guard, because things had been going so smoothly. Am I just not paying attention to non-verbal signs, vague statements that have more meaning then I think? Do I ask more or listen more? Will I be making an issue out of something that is just normal prepubescent stuff and give her more to think about? It's so hard. Those of you who have been in her shoes at this age tell me. What did YOU want your mom to do? Not do? What did she do that helped? Didn't help. Someone mentioned everyone in the household eating the same, not just her. I tell her brothers the same thing I tell her. She is NEVER singled out, although I feel at times she thinks she is." Mom is really saying this to ME" my brothers are skinny..I'm fat. I can read her face like a book then, why can't I when I really need too? Throw out all the junk someone wrote. Up until I read that, I didn't think I had that much. Maybe I should take a picture of the pantry and see what ya'll think. Yes there are bags of chips, Peanut Butter and cracker packs, vanilla wafers, Jerky, peanuts, fruit roll ups, popcorn, lunchables in the fridge. Kids aren't allowed to drink cokes unless we eat out. But Kenz has always been a milk drinker.Fresh fruit is always on the table, and I find she eats it if I take the time to skin and cut it up before they get home from school. To me, it isn't that much junk, maybe it is. No Cookies although I do buy them occasionally, same with sherbet. Worth mentioning- we have a mom and pop type candy ice-cream store 2 blocks away. I have found numerous candy wrappers in the laundry and change missing from my change jar.....

When we first started our counseling sessions the therapist reccommended seeing a dietician and we did for 3 months. Basically she went over portion sizes with Mackenzie, the food groups, etc and we kept a daily food intake diary of everything (that we knew of) After 3 months the insurance ran out as the X lost his job. End of the sessions. Nothing really accomplished? after 6 months when insurance kicked back in, we started back with a new therapist. I really didn't feel like much progress was made with the "old one" after a year, seems we were still in the same "mess" A Year! We currently see a therapist who specializes in adolescent eating disorders. We have been going now for about 4 months every Friday.

Is she ready, willing or even capable at 12 yrs old of making the lifestyle changes needed for any elected surgical procedures to succeed? Oddly enough, I hadn't given this aspect much thought. It's the "quick fix, don't let my Baby hurt anymore, knee jerk reaction.... Whom-ever pointed this out. Thank You. It is definately a major consideration, and needs some serious thought.

I have so much more to ask... but will have to find time later tonight. School is out and I have to go get the kiddos. Again,. THANK YOU ALL so much for your input and continued support. This a wonderful site, and I am so glad to have found all of you.

God Bless

[christa94 0]

should you force her to go to therapy? i am going to say no. i was raped at 14 and let's just say my family reacted horribly. after their bad reaction, my mom wanted to haul me off to therapy. no thanks. the whole rape and aftermath were way too much for me to process at 14 with or without a therapist. i went once and that was it. i sat there and looked at her for an hour solid. later i developed an eating disorder at 15. i could cope with the rape and my other issues better with food than i could with my mom or anyone else. when my mom realized i had an eating disorder, once again she was going to try to force me into therapy. but, i was not ready to really acknowledge my problem or give it up. although i needed to because i was a mess and could recognize at times that it was not good for me. i knew i wasn't like other kids. everyone at school knew i was a bulimic, but i didn't care. i suffered with bulimia/anorexia and at time compulsive overeating for 15 years.i finally got help. but only because i was on the edge of life. some would say that i should have been forced into therapy younger. i don't know. a person has got to want it. has to be ready to deal with their issues. but, as a parent it is hard to see your child suffer. you want to do something to help. it's your baby and you love her. i don't know. when i was overweight as a teenager (after a compulsive overeating stage) i wanted support from my family. i wanted them to exercise with me or cook healthy. but, they weren't into that and treated me like i was derranged for being into it myself. i think it is good to encourage her to make healthy choices. the junk food in the house is not really good. i am sure your son may not appreciate the goodies being ditched, but i think the whole family benefits from them being gone. maybe go out once a week to treat yourselves to something? i don't know. these are just thoughts. i hope i have been helpful and not confusing.

[ReneBean 3]

All advise given so far has had merit - I just want to add another dimension of thought... Body chemistry affects everything.

1) check blood levels for diabetes

2) check for food alergies.

I was always the fattest girl in school so I can relate.

I think you have lots of work to do on self esteem and diet - but you might want to check out the chemical things, too. I almost divorced my husband before he was diagnosed with diabetes. He had the most godawful mood swings and depression.... Just a thought.

Hugs and all the best possible thoughts for you and your daughter.

[Marimaru 7]

I agree that you should have a doctor check her chemical balances. Diabetes, Thyroid, also, you should look up Vinesqueen on this site and see what she has to say about Cushings. Your daughter sounds like she is decently active, so even if she's eating a goodly amount, (based only on your 2 posts) it sounds like it could be something in addition to just that.

Something else caught my attention. Lots and lots and lots of people are treated wrongly for depression... meaning they are treated for depression, when it's not depression she has. The idea that she's upbeat, and then has breakdowns brings the idea of her being bi-polar to my mind, which is treated differently.

I'm glad to hear that your X has changed his behavior. My dad did similar stuff to me about my weight (my parents were also divorced, but mom was out of state). He weighed me every morning on the scale, and gave me Slimfast to take to school for lunch every day (very cool, lemme tell you). I give him a lot of the credit for my compulsion to eat certain things in hiding, and stuff like that.

I think you should toss the junk in the house, but at the same time, if you deprive her of all junk food, she'll go get it on her own. You've already mentioned the low change jar and the candy wrappers, which sounds all to familiar to me. My dad sent me to school with my stupid Slimfast, and all of my pocket money was spent on the crap they sell at the schools.

I think that a lapband can be a very good tool for a young person who is capable of handling it. But there are rules that have to be followed A) to make it work and so you don't hurt yourself.

Coming from where she's been, and knowing how I reacted to my dad's reaction to my weight, I'm very, very glad to see your post here, and to see you responding to what people have to say and giving it thought. You get alot of people who want an easy answer and ignore all the 'hard' stuff, you know?

[Jachut 487]

I keep going to put my 2c in but I cant, I really dont know what I'd do in this situation, its so very sad for both you and your daughter.

[niche 0]

there has absolutely been a lot of great advice but i'm a bit puzzled at why all of us WLS patients discount that surgery may actually be beneficial to this young lady even though she is young. i'm not saying that every health possibility, mental and physical, should not be explored, but we here all know the chances of succeeding at dieting long term. so i just say that to say, MAYBE she needs/would benefit from a medical intervention to help her regulate her weight.

[Kat817 19]

Could her hormones be causing the mood swings....PMS in the making? Or exacerbating an underlying issue such as the diabetes that others have mentioned?

My oldest DD has POCD---when she went through puberty she was mild mannered, no problems. Now she has problems as far as irregular cycles etc. My youngest DD was hell on wheels with her emotions through puberty. You could not look at her some days without the drama...she screamed and cried, and made everyone a little crazy, especially the brother and sister. Now she is as regular as clockwork, has no PMS isues, nothing. Go figure. I DO KNOW that puberty is hard to go through for kids. Everyone is changing, and even in school, the others are going through the same mood swings etc., so someone who can be their friend one day is distant the next...and of course they blame themselves!!!

ANY hormonal upset can lead to it, as can the health issues mentioned earlier.

Maybe time for a full physical/well child check up.

Other than the out of control outbursts she sounds like she has a good grip on her little life!!! Does she always internalize the outbursts? I mean is the anger always directed at herself and her appearance? Or does she get furious with the brothers too for instance?

I was really glad to read that Dad is involved with her, and has changed his treatment of her. Sounds like she has a lot of love to help her through the hard times!!

Kat

[chameleon 0]

I agree with bevers...do all you can to help her to feel valueable and normal. Society treats fat women and girls very badly and it is very important to look your very best, well dressed, nails done, hair done well highlighted, a little make up, cute under clothes, every little thing to make her feel pretty and as proud of her physical self as possible. Also clothes are important. Torrid, Fashion Bug, and a lot of other stores cater to trendy cute clothes for her age. You may have to have some altered for her but its worth it. She needs to be enrolled in a daily workout program at a gym. The Y would be best if you have a nice one nearby. Get her a personal trainer if you can afford it or you be one. No matter how much she cries and whines you must force her to do it...do it with her, make it fun, make it your time to bond. Reward weight loss or even every 10 consecutive days of working out with a non food treat like a movie or a horseback ride or anything but food that would inspire her to continue. Get rid of all junk food...ALL of it. You are doing everyone in the house a huge favor any way. Get rid of all simple carbohydrates too. Whole grains only. I could go on and on with stuff you already know but the bottom line is discipline and consistency.

Good Luck!

[need2bhealthy 0]

First, let me begin by tellin you that you are not alone. And neither is Kenzie, she sounds like a lovely girl. Truly. Isn't it odd that at 32 years old I feel so many of the same things that you described for her. I don't want to go out, I am uncomfortable in any clothes etc... it is a struggle each and everyday. When I was 16 I contemplated suicide. I struggled with anxiety and depression growing up and I fed my emotions. It has been only the last two years or so where I feel my eating has turned into an addiction (a drug so to speak). I can say that throughout those dark years of teenage I went through I finally was put on medicines at the age of 20. I have been ever since. I have never once since that time thought about taking my own life. I am not sure if it was the medication (evened out my chemical imbalance) or if it was simply growing up and out of high school, but I can say I have not looked back on those dark days as they were back then. Sure, I am still a person who suffers daily with depression, but I can get in touch with how I am feeling and recognize my signs, my triggers etc. I still am fat though! :eek: But such is life.... Give your daughter all the love in the world.. because you have proven hands down to us here how much you do care....tell her everyday how beautiful and smart she is. Embrace her soul.

I encourage her to go back to Weight Watchers as I think journaling is good with Portion Control and the points system is easy to understand. New people join everyday so see if possibly there is a meeting with teens in a town close by....may be worth it.

Best of luck to you and please keep us posted. BTW, I have seen documentaries on children under 18 having the Gastric Bypass...but 12 is probably still too young.

Take Care and I will keep you and your baby in your my thoughts.

[vlb11752 0]

Please, please take her to an endocrinologist. Some of the simple thyroid tests done by your family doctor do not show all thyroid problems. Also age 10 is about when the symptoms of PCOS starts. The mood swings sounds kind of hormonal.

When I was her age I had a well meaning aunt that would give her son and husband bacon and eggs and toast and jelly for Breakfast, her and I would eat Special K with skimmed milk. For Snacks we would eat apples while the guys got candy bars and pop corn. She would always tell me "You have such a pretty face, if you would only loose weight". In my pre-teen mind that equated to you're ok, but I would love you more if you weren't fat. So, I knew where she hid the candy bars and I would steal them and hide in the back yard and eat 2 or 3.

Later in life, I found I had PCOS after it was too late for babies (that everyone just blamed on my weight). Please take her to an endocrinologist.

You and your daughter are in my prayers.

[katylady 0]

Why not invite your daughter to view this website? She may benefit from talking to others that have been in her shoes, and could find a great support group made up of a lot of caring people.

Perhaps you could talk with her and let her know how much her happiness means to you. If therapy, dieticians, WW and other programs do not help her, let her know there are alternatives, but she will need to wait until she is old enough to be approved for surgery. In the meantime, it's possible that she could be inspired to improve on her own if she's got a good enough support system and has others to talk to about what she is going through and how she feels about the different diets and programs that she's tried. She can also get a lot of good info about nutrition and exercise right here.

It's just a thought.

I wish the best for both of you.