Mom of the little "big fat girl" Desperately Needs HELP

[EVERS123P 0]

Hello to you all! I wasn't sure if I posted this is the right place, so forgive my duplicate entries. This is my first time here. I am so glad I have found this site and have been sitting here for the past 3 hours just reading all of your posts. I'll try and keep it short. The "big fat girl" mentioned in the title is how my 12 year old daughter describes herself on a daily basis. She is in the 6th grade and currently weighs approximately 170lbs. She has been a "big girl" since birth, always in the 95th percentile or more for her age/height. She has two brothers one older and one younger who can and do eat for 5 people and not show any of it! She has always been very active in sports and has many friends. Softball during the summer, volleyball and Basketball during the Fall and Winter. During her 4th grade year all hell broke loose and I began to realize how much her weight was affecting her in all aspects of her life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. She would sneak food in her room and binge probably more then I was aware of, shopping for school clothes was a nightmare that ended almost as soon as it began, her in tears and me feeling helpless. None of the "in clothes" come in a size 18+, consequently we began to see a counselor and nutritionist.Her 5th grade year I made a decision to enroll her and her younger brother in a private school for 2 reasons.The biggest of the 2 was Everyone wears the same thing. Uniforms!! Up until the other day I thought things were going alright. Meaning she didn't bring up how "fat" she was as often or come home from school crying as much.We still had "those days" but they didn't seem to happen as often.

That all changed the other night when she totally lost control and threatened to kill herself, holding a knife to her throat in front of her younger brother who is 10. She said she didn't want to live anymore and was tired of being fat. That none of the diets "they said would work" do any good and she just wants to die!!! That made two of us. My heart broke that night and I haven't been the same since. I immediately took her to the ER and we talked with a Social worker until she calmed down. I didn't know what else to do. I have since been reading up on the lap band procedure and have been trying to find a physician that will help me and my daughter. So far all I get, is to do what we've been doing for two !*(^&!! years!!! Diet, exercise, therapy....blah,blah,blah.... H E L L O ? Are you hearing me..My 12 year old wants to DIE !!!!! When I discussed the suicidal gestures and asked about prescribing a diet aid, and antidepressants with her regular pediatrician, she had the balls to tell me that my daughter just needed to continue therapy and that she was "healthy really". HEALTHY? I'm sorry, was I describing her brother? HEALTHY? ...Ahem....Besides being overweight, asthmatic, depressed, suicidal, self esteem and body image of negative zero and increasing her risks for other problems such as heart diesease and diabetes (which runs in the family) Yeah, she's as healthy as she can possibly &!@#! be! GEEZ US! That was our last visit with her needless to say. So here I am. I can't begin to tell you all, the total despair and helplessness I feel daily. I have even thought about putting her on diet pills, but know deep down that isn't a real option and a temporary fix, but I am desperate. The temporary fix would at least be "a start" .. something she could see. Are those risks any greater then all the ones she is currently facing? I mean seriously! So here it is in a nutshell. Wondering if we'd have better luck going out of the States? Can any one out there relate to what I am going through? What my 12 year old baby is going through? Any and all replies, comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Physican referrals would be great! Thanks for listening. <!-- / message -->

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[AngelaT 2]

Hello to you all! I wasn't sure if I posted this is the right place, so forgive my duplicate entries. This is my first time here. I am so glad I have found this site and have been sitting here for the past 3 hours just reading all of your posts. I'll try and keep it short. The "big fat girl" mentioned in the title is how my 12 year old daughter describes herself on a daily basis. She is in the 6th grade and currently weighs approximately 170lbs. She has been a "big girl" since birth, always in the 95th percentile or more for her age/height. She has two brothers one older and one younger who can and do eat for 5 people and not show any of it! She has always been very active in sports and has many friends. Softball during the summer, volleyball and Basketball during the Fall and Winter. During her 4th grade year all hell broke loose and I began to realize how much her weight was affecting her in all aspects of her life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. She would sneak food in her room and binge probably more then I was aware of, shopping for school clothes was a nightmare that ended almost as soon as it began, her in tears and me feeling helpless. None of the "in clothes" come in a size 18+, consequently we began to see a counselor and nutritionist.Her 5th grade year I made a decision to enroll her and her younger brother in a private school for 2 reasons.The biggest of the 2 was Everyone wears the same thing. Uniforms!! Up until the other day I thought things were going alright. Meaning she didn't bring up how "fat" she was as often or come home from school crying as much.We still had "those days" but they didn't seem to happen as often.

That all changed the other night when she totally lost control and threatened to kill herself, holding a knife to her throat in front of her younger brother who is 10. She said she didn't want to live anymore and was tired of being fat. That none of the diets "they said would work" do any good and she just wants to die!!! That made two of us. My heart broke that night and I haven't been the same since. I immediately took her to the ER and we talked with a Social worker until she calmed down. I didn't know what else to do. I have since been reading up on the lap band procedure and have been trying to find a physician that will help me and my daughter. So far all I get, is to do what we've been doing for two !*(^&!! years!!! Diet, exercise, therapy....blah,blah,blah.... H E L L O ? Are you hearing me..My 12 year old wants to DIE !!!!! When I discussed the suicidal gestures and asked about prescribing a diet aid, and antidepressants with her regular pediatrician, she had the balls to tell me that my daughter just needed to continue therapy and that she was "healthy really". HEALTHY? I'm sorry, was I describing her brother? HEALTHY? ...Ahem....Besides being overweight, asthmatic, depressed, suicidal, self esteem and body image of negative zero and increasing her risks for other problems such as heart diesease and diabetes (which runs in the family) Yeah, she's as healthy as she can possibly &!@#! be! GEEZ US! That was our last visit with her needless to say. So here I am. I can't begin to tell you all, the total despair and helplessness I feel daily. I have even thought about putting her on diet pills, but know deep down that isn't a real option and a temporary fix, but I am desperate. The temporary fix would at least be "a start" .. something she could see. Are those risks any greater then all the ones she is currently facing? I mean seriously! So here it is in a nutshell. Wondering if we'd have better luck going out of the States? Can any one out there relate to what I am going through? What my 12 year old baby is going through? Any and all replies, comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Physican referrals would be great! Thanks for listening. <!-- / message -->

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Hi,

I can relate to what you are saying. I think they will not do a lap band even outside of the states...sorry. What if she is on a totally monitores diet like Jenny Craig where her meals are all preprepared and eats ONLY that> You will have to keep ALL temptation away...all Cookies, etc, etc, and everyone in the family will have to not eat those things in fron t of her. All have to go out of the house. Hypnosis is also good in addition...and can also help her depression. Do not allow her any sugar at all it messes up everything! There are low carb/low sugar treats she can have on occassion...sugar also causes depression. Do a low carb diet mostly. Jenny Craig will let her have a few treats. Sometimes regimented diets wotk best. Ehen she is ikder naybe then if she needs one she can have the band. A personal trainer might also help in combination... There recently was a 12 yr old who did liposuction, but I do not recommend it....it can be dangerous. Good luck!

[sweethot143 2]

I'm so sorry for you baby, I can totally relate, I was always heavy and also had lots of friends and very active. I hated being the fat kid. I never got to the point of suicide, it wasn't spoken about as much as it is now, like 10-15 yrs ago. it seems to be "in style" right now.

I don't know what to suggest as far as weight loss goes, that is a tough age to lose weight and also a lot of kids tend to be heavy around then especially girls and then thin out around 14. i did thin out from a size 16 to a size 11 by the time i turned 15, unfortunately I kept gaining anyway up to a size 20 where i sit now.

Maybe if you guys did weight watchers together, she would be eating normal foods but it would teach her Portion Control.

Suicide is nothing to mess with, my husband and i both had good friends resort to that. Very sad, and the parents did nothing really about it when they made multiple threats to do it. If it were my baby, I wouldn't even make her go to school, I would homeschool her and be at her side constantly, join a gym with her, get trainers together, go to weight watchers together. whatever it takes, even if it was a financial hardship, it would be worth it, not to lose my baby.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, i completely understand how she feels.

[StephC 0]

Evers123P - my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry I haven't any advice, I just want you to know I care and I will pray for you both. I pray God will give you guidence.

[Alexandra 55]

Evers, a lot of us feel your pain and your daughter's pain. When I was 12 I weighed well over 200 lbs and had already begun to compensate by removing myself from "normal" teenage interactions. But while I was depressed, often, I was never suicidal and I honestly believe it's because of the way my parents treated me. They were able to instill in me a sense of self-esteem so robust that it got me through the hardest times of being the fat girl.

Banding isn't the answer for someone so young and for whom there are other issues beyond weight. Losing weight doesn't automatically make someone happy, even though to a 12-year-old it can seem like the answer to all problems. You already know all the advice about helping her lose weight, but at the same time it's important to show her that weight isn't the be-all and end-all of self-esteem.

Focus on what she does well. Let her see you thinking about things other than her weight, valuing her for who she is and what she does, not what she looks like. Being a teenager is hard for everyone, not just the fat kids, and she is NOT ALONE. The right therapist is out there, and when she has reached her adult growth perhaps surgical intervention will be called for. For now, just love her and show her that life is wonderful even with a few extra pounds.

[Teresita 0]

I am so sorry you guys are going through this. I have a teenager going through the same things and I remember them all to vividly myself. Here is the simple part as far as clothes, check out Torrid, they have an only site also. I sent you a pm about the hard stuff.

[skyeblu79 0]

That is so sad. Have you thought of maybe trying Weight Watchers or something like that?

[barbara465 2]

I can totaly relate to your daughter. I never really tried to commit suicide although I did think of it once or twice. My problem was acceptance. I just wanted to be accepted and loved as I was, not the image I could be. People are hurtful. They don't always mean to be that way, it just is. I knew my parents loved me, but they would love me more if I was thinner.

My parents helped me with diets all my childhood. I was told I could have a new wardrobe once I was successful. At 16 my parents took me to a diet doctor. I lost the weight, got new clothes, and was paraded at their work for how proud they were of me. I felt hollow inside. Why couldn't they love me as I was, not as they wanted me to be?

I guess what I'm really saying is that this is a mind issue first, and a chemical/physical issues second. Your daughter needs to know she is great just the way she is, that she is loved, that her brother is not better than her, etc. Once she is comfortable in her skin she can then work on her body. I would make sure she has a complete physical and lots of blood work. FInd out what is making her fat and what her triggers are. Then a good counselor/nutrionist can work with the family. This needs to be her project and one that the family embraces.

Good luck to you. There are good doctors out there that can help. I hope you can find the right one soon.

[maudeispam 2]

First off I know what your daughter feels. I was fat all my life, the fat girl all through school. It is a miserable life to live. Second please have her throughly tested for thyroid problems, cushings and other possible weight causing diseases. If there is a medical reason, there are medications that could help her lose the weight. Third get rid of all the junk out of your house. You can't expect your daughter to lose weight and eat healthy if her brothers and the rest of the family eats crap. I know this is easier said than done. Fourth find a therapist & nutritionist that work specifically with child eating disorders...someone that specializes in the field. Fifth contact your local weight watchers, TOPS or weightloss group and join with your daughter. (Even if you don't need to lose a pound, show that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help her win this battle.) Sixth be supportive and understanding, dealing with a food addiction is worse than an alcohol or drug addition. Everyone has to eat and food is everywhere. Best of luck!

[Woodys 0]

You have received some great advice here so far. However, since your daughter has threatened to kill herself I think that you need to seek advice from a Doctor. Your daughter needs more than just a healthy eating plan.

Carol

[Wheetsin 714]

I can't relate, but I know that what you're going through can't be easy.

Any bandster will tell you that the band does not fix your head. Along with getting banded comes a required responsibility for your actions that someone your daughter's age probably doesn't have. Even at 16, 17, it's heavily debated whether or not the patient has the degree of behavioral maturity required to understand the implications and consequences, and adhere accordingly.

In short, the band doesn't fix the problem.

There are reasons for your daughter's sneaking and binging. Going to a therapist can help her with those, but it has to be a good therapist. Just like there are good physicians and bad, good mechanics and bad, there are good therapists and bad.

What weightloss efforts have you already tried? Is she active in sports? Etc.

[kym828 0]

Dr Ortiz in Mexico does the lapband on teenagers. he has a website at www.obesitycontrolcenter.com i am not sure if he would take on your daughter's case though because like many have mentioned above, the band does not cure the depression and the issues that your daughter is dealing with... it is an option to look into, but i dont want to give you or your daughter false hope - there is no magic pill or band that will fix the stuff going on in our heads. good luck to both of you.

[christa94 0]

do you feel your daughter would be mature enough to handle the surgery and life there after?

[juliegeraci 7]

I can relate. I believe the best method right now would be something formal like a Jenny Craig. My Doctor here in CA did a young patient but I think she was more like 16 years old and was the youngest he had ever performed in the hospital run program. He has done over 300 lapband procedures. I would think if she had a healthy regimin and support like 1:1 consultation that would be best. I wouldn't do Weight Watchers as they 1:1 with Jenny Craig woud be my preference. Good luck. It sounds like she just needs support around the issue.

[beversman 0]

I was that child. Same wieght and everything. So, I know what she feels.

FIRST! Don't let people freak you out and make you think that your daughter has some kind of horrible mental condition. People tend to over react when they hear something like this. I work with children. She is having a common reaction. Trust me. More young girls feel this way that you can imagine. Many times they just never tell their parents.

So, it is good she came to you. That was asking for help.

Now, don't make the mistake of repeatedly telling her she is depressed and that she needs help to feel better. Many mom's (like mine) make the mistake of getting too emotional -- telling their daughter things like "they are trying to help! That she is depressed! What else can they do to help?" Don't say that. Whatever you do.

You need to approach this in a more INDIRECT way.

She needs to know there are plenty of young women who have felt that way, and that she will get through it. There are plenty of ways to make that better for her. Finding out that you ARE depressed (or that people think you ARE) can make the depression even worse.

You do need to make sure that you are affirming her self worth.

Don't just tell her she is pretty. Mom's always say that. You have to go the extra mile to make sure she feels she is doing her best to look good.

I think growing up an overweight child has actually made me a much better adult person. We know how it feels to be treated badly. So, we are much more caring and compassionate with other people.

I used to tell my mother that I wanted to die. That started in Second Grade. We had a very small school. So, once you were dubbed "the kid to pick on," it pretty much stayed that way until you graduated.

Part of my problem was that my mother never showed me that you can be big and still be fashionable and pretty. She never showed me how to do my makeup and didn't take me to get my hair done in a cute fashionable way. I've still never had a massage or a manicure. You know things like that can make life tolerable. They make you feel better about you.

THEN, she can look at a surgical option.

I finally decided when I was in college that I could care less what people thought of me. I "transformed" still a big girl, but the skinny girls were jealous. The guys loved me. That comes from confidence.

• Make sure she has nice clothes that fit. We big girls always like to wear things that are 3 sizes too big for us. We think it covers something up.

• Take her to get her hair done with some cool funky highlights. She needs to know she IS pretty and EVERYONE has the limitation of "working with what we've got."

• Make sure she knows how to do her make-up. To look nice. sparkly pink eyeshadow and do wonders on a bad day. And let me tell you, I am NOOOO girly girl. I grew up on a farm and I am still a tom-boy. Just don't underestimate what a little bit of eyeshadow and lipgloss can do for your day. When I feel bad about myself, and I look in the mirror disappointed at what I see... I can look at small things -- like my eyes, my hair -- they are pretty freakin' cute and that helps.

Once her image is uplifted -- that will help her mental state big time.

Get her out there. Help her find things to be proud of...

Big girls can be gorgeous too.