Why not admit to surgery...

[Woodys 0]

For me it is a very personal subject, never liked talking about my weight and still don't even though I'm only 20 lbs from goal. I own two small businesses in a small village....as it is, I don't have a private life. This is one thing that I wish to keep to myself and not have the entire village discussing.....this is very personal to me and I'm keeping it this way. And, I don't think its up to anyone to make suggestions on what would be best, or what may work for someone else just because it worked for us.....not unless we are directly asked for our help.

Carol

[Kat817 19]

I agree that it is a very personal decision, and I would never try to tell anyone what they did or did not have to disclose.

One of my defining moments of being so open about it with total strangers happen a couple of months ago, when I had lost about 50 pounds.

I had taken my granddaughter out to one of the Dollar Stores, for a treat (love to spoil them for a buck!!!). There were 2 cashiers standing in the station when I went to check out, one the thin one, was someone I knew (our DH's used towork together). The other was quite heavy. The one I knew exclaimed to me "My Gosh you have lost a lot of weight, I always see you out walking!" I smiled and was just going to say thanks and go on, but you could see, as well as feel the other cashier just deflate, and I knew I had been in her shoes. Wondering how can these other people do this and I can't. It always just added to my feelings of defeat. I felt like I could not just walk out of there, and leave her feeling like she was lesser because she couldn't lose weight. So I told her that yes I walk everyday, but that I had also had lap band surgery and that was really helping with my hunger issues. They both ask a lot of questions, and we talked for awhile about it. I left feeling much better about myself than I would have otherwise.

I don't know why the girl I did not know made such an impression on me, but I truly felt like I could feel her pain and embarassment. I have a feeling the other gal, the one I knew, is likely one of those who put her down anytime the opportunity presented itself. And I have no doubt she made disparaging comments about me and me taking the easy way out after I left. But she didn't need to hear my story, and she would have just found something else mean to say about me. The other cashier needed to hear it, needed to know, that options are out there.

I really feel like I would have been compelled to tell her, even if I had been keeping it hush hush. And you are right, once I would have said anything in front of the one I knew..the entire town would have known. As it is, I simply took the wind out of her sails, by not making it gossip she can share---I am doing it myself!!!

I would support everyones right to disclosure or not, as a very personal decision.

Kat

[~Jules~ 0]

Kat,

I am glad you told the girls at the dollar store. The other girl did need to hear that there are options. It was also good for her to know that you walk a lot as well. Walking makes such a difference.

In the beginning for me, I didn't want to tell anyone. I told only about 3 people. The closer it got to surgery time and soon afterwards, I didn't care who knew. I think I felt I was taking the easy way out. But it really isn't the easy way out. We have to work at it. It is a tool that helps us get to where we want to be AND stay there. That is the whole kicker for me. I can lose the weight, I just can't keep it off. This will help me keep it off.

Two of the people I told in the beginning told other people. My sister told my niece. My significant other told her mother. Then her mother told her sister in law. And of course everyone was like, "Don't tell anyone". It kind of cracked me up more than hacked me off. I don't care anymore. It is ok that they know. I am so surprised at the support that I have received. I think I also didn't want to tell people in the beginning because I didn't want their judgement. But I have not heard one single negative comment.

BTW, I can't wait to not be the "big" sister. Especially since I am the youngest. lol

[ousooner 1]

I have always been extremely open about my surgery. To be honest, I think it helps me make good food choices especially at work. If I am having a weak moment and feel like making a bad food choice, the fact that others know helps me pass on bad choices and helps me stay the coarse. I do worse when I am by myself because there is not that accountability. I also like helping others who might benefit from lap band. Hell, I wouldn't have gotten mine if others had not been generous enough to share there story, so I figure its my job to pay it forward. Just my 2 cents.

[MarySue33 0]

I have only been banded a little over a month, but I have only told 3 friends (who live far away and don't know any of my other friends), my kids and my parents. I have chosen not to say anything at this point for a couple of reasons --

1) Family and friends have watched me try dozens of diets and, while I have always lost weight, I have always gained it back and the last thing I want my skinny sister or her obnoxious husband to do is to roll their eyes and send the big "Here she goes again...let's see how long THIS one lasts" message.

2) I do not want to be watched like a hawk and to be quizzed as to whether or not I should be eating a particular item or be interrogated regularly about 'have you lost another pound yet???' In fact, one of the three friends I told is driving me nuts with this. I finally told him to back off and if I lose another pound he will be the first to know -- until then...don't ask! Now I wish I had only told two friends!

I don't plan to keep it a secret forever, but I do want to get the weight off and KEEP it off for at least a year before I start espousing the wonders of the band to family and friends. The proof will be in my success and it will speak for itself. That way there will be no eye rolling and snickering about 'here she goes again'. I just don't need that in my life at this time.

I can completely understand where Kat is coming from, though, too. I would be far more inclined to share this info with strangers than with family, friends or co-workers for some reason. I do have one cousin who I will probably tell sooner than the rest, as she and I have had parallel struggles with our weight and share the same family issues and backgrounds that probably helped us to have the screwed up view of food that we do. I love her and I want her to live for a very long time. I just didn't tell her yet because I do not want to burden her with having to keep that secret if folks in our family start to comment about my weight loss.

Anyway...I know that is long...but that is why I opted to keep mine a secret...for now, anyway.

[sleepyjean 0]

My aunt(500lbs) and Uncle (900lbs or more) had gastric bypass. Well I watched them my whole life, they were too lazy to even try. Never tried to diet, never tried to exercise or nothing. They were the people that came to the Christmas Party and ate ALL the food and never even thought anythign about it. Well, my view is that they were to lazy to try so they just got insurance to pay for gastic bypass, my aunt is still fat and still doesnt try, she drinks tons of Coke and fast food and so on. I know what she looks like form the outside and I assume that people thought/think that of me, thet they think I was just to lazy to do anything because I was fat. I always felt that I had to tell people why I got fat and that I was not the "Typical" fat person.

I appreciate your honesty and willingness to admit to an attitude that many people share but never admit out loud. I read a lot of your internal conflict in your post. On one hand, you are one of us. You are obese and you struggled like hell to lose weight on your own before looking to surgery as a last resort. But on the other hand, you sound like you're still pretty disgusted by your aunt and uncle's behavior. You fear being judged, knowing all the time that you are judging others.

I see that you joined in February and am curious to know if your opinion of fat people has changed at all during that time? Because you see, most of us here are what you would call "typical" fat people. In other words, there is no direct medical cause for our obesity.

I am wondering if being here all these months has helped you to see what a struggle it is for us, how emotionally damaging obesity is (nevermind the physical risks to your health), and how many years - decades in some cases - of dieting have brought us to this point. I hope you no longer feel that our problem is that we are/were too lazy to try. Being banded yourself, I hope you no longer feel that this surgery is the easy way out.

You seem like a good and kind person and I hope you will grow in compassion for your aunt and uncle. It is likely that they are just plain lazy. But it is equally likely that eating is a compulsion for them, that they can't control it, that they've given up, that they are aware that people look down on them, that they know the dieting odds are against them, that they've tried to lose weight many many times in the past, but have not advertised it and that is why you are not aware of it. But none of that matters because when it comes down to it, they are both severely morbidly obese, will live shorter lives because of it, and it makes them unhappy every single day of their lives.

I sincerely hope that you do not view this as an attack, just as something for all of us - myself included - to think about. I certainly don't mean to start a fight, but to give you my honesty in return for yours. And in my opinion, it doesn't much matter how or why we got fat. Some have medical reasons, some have pregnancy weight, some are suffering from depression, and yes - some just plain like to eat. Regardless of how we got here, we are all in the same boat and have found the same path to success.

I wish you the very best of luck in your bandster journey.

~Sasha

[YeeHaw 0]

I agree with you Sleepyjean! Maybe you misunderstood me? I know first hand once you gain weight, it's not easy to loose, sometimes no matter how hard you try. I do not judge overweight people, but I know that others do. I am fat and I have experienced the meaness of others. On the other hand I DO judge my Aunt and Uncle because of their mannerisms, actions, and decisions that they have made. What I did not finish in my story is that, my uncle has lost weight and is enjoying his life to the fullest. He followed the guidlines and used gastric bypass as a tool. What I mean is that he ate the right food and so on. My aunt has not even tried, and yet she wonders why she can loose weight. I see her drink Coke after coke after coke, and donuts and junk food, but then wonders why? Don't get me wrong, if she weighed 100 pounds I still would not feel any different about her. Please understand that it would take me forever and more to explain her. Her weight is not the reason that I do not have compassion for her.

Besides my aunt , when I see an overweight person, I actually find myself being nicer to them and more compassionate and wanting to help them because I know how they feel.

I know that WLS is not the easy way out, I have never said otherwise.

I think you interpreted what I was saying as if that is what I thought or felt, (I do about Aunt but not all overweight ppl) I was speaking for the people out there that do feel that way, and don't know what it is like to be fat. This thread is about why not tell people about you WLS. This was my answer. Because there are people out there that feel...............

I appreciate your comment and do not view this as an attack in any way.

Please know that what I said are not my feelings on overweight people!

Thank you for you honesty. I hope that this makes since to you. It is hard to interpret words on a page without hearing expressions. I am sorry if I offended you in any way.

[Parvathi 2]

At first, I didn't want to tell people (other than close family and friends) about my wls, because if I failed, like I had so many times in the past, I thought I'd look like a moron again lol. Silly, I know. As time went on though and I saw the band did indeed work, I told everyone who asked. I've had many friends and friends of friends come to me to ask me about my experiences with the band, now that words gotten out. I'm happy to share with them, because if it can help them as it has me, it's worth it.

[Wheetsin 714]

I'm very open about it. And in the real world, I'm one of the more private people you're ever likely to meet.

For me, I felt I had nothing to hide. It took me a long time to come to the decision to have WLS. I was thinking about it and debating it way back when they ran the US FDA trials. So I spent a lot more time thinking about it than most. This gave me a lot of time to come to terms with a lot of things. It helped me see that there was no shame in my actions, and that - contrary to my own beliefs - I was not simply taking the lazy man's way out.

I'm not saying everyone here, I'm not even saying anyone here, but in the bigger scheme of the world, a lot of people do feel shame around their decision for WLS - and tend to equate it to a desperation move. As such, it becomes a symbol of their failure to achieve results on their own, and by hiding that they had lap-band, THEY get the recognition that the band would get otherwise, and also avoind being different, much in the same way people invest in cosmetic prostheses... you're more comfortable, there's nothing different about you, and sometimes more importantly (to the effected person) everyone around you is more comfortable.

I walk a sort of balanced line. I don't advertise my band, but I never lie about it. When people ask what I've been doing, I tell them I had lap-band. When people ask why I'm not eating much, I tell them I had lap-band. If I were to overhear someone else saying they wanted lap-band, I would share that I'd had it, and then offer to answer any questions or give them information on resources they could use. But I wouldn't go into a restaurant and order "a small cup of Soup, because I have lap-band". I just say I'm not very hungry, or I will say that even though it doesn't look like it, that's really all I can eat. I've been out with other bandsters before, and have asked if we could split a meal because "we medically can't eat a whole one ourselves".

I've never had anyone react negatively. Mixed emotions, sure - but always precedented by it being my choice.

And I've been able to help people. That was never my goal in doing this, but I'm always open to educating. I've been banded what, 8.5 months, and I can think of 7 people off the top of my head who have already had or are trying to have the surgery because of me. As in - they didn't know it existed until I told them about it, or were too scared to really consider it until I told them the "real story" of what it's been like for me. Not more than 2 weeks ago a distant relative was told to have GB or he would die. he figured he was going to die. We went for a visit, they saw the weight I had lost, asked me how I had done it, and he's now scheduled for an information session with my surgeon. Indirectly, I may have quite possibly helped save his life. Knowing that, there's no way I could ever say I wish I had kept it to myself, because I didn't want someone watching what I eat or asking why I'm eating X, Y, or Z.

I think a lot of people get very defensive about their decisions. That's rooted more deeply than we can ever point to on a message board. I think it's unfortunate that people equate sharing their story with having to also justify it or answer to someone else. I think it tells a sad story about the stigma that obesity carries. But I also think that someone sharing their story, if they're not ready to, will do more harm than good. This has to be a subjective, "to each their own" kind of thing. We are all comfortable with different actions and different degrees of interactions, and the most "why" can really hope to yield is that we need to just respect that some are, and some aren't.

[labandster 0]

I have been very honest about having the surgery - because for 30 years I wanted to hide everything. What I ate, if I was on a diet yada yada.

However, sometimes I wish I had kept this quiet. I am so tired of "How much have you lost?" "I know someone that had the surgery and they lost 100 lbs in 5 months" At this point I feel the necessity to explain that I did not have gastric bypass and people just look at you odd. The whole failure issues are strong with me. I am still not convinced I will be successful longterm. But, it is the first time I have not rebounded in 6 months. When I get the "how much have you lost" question I feel very vulnerable to criticism. I started at 372 in March 2006 and have just reached 300. But the last two months have really been slow losing. BUt I pray I don't have any complications - because I never want to lose this friend of mine.

[Fauxnaif 1]

Because it is no one's business. I choose not to be an open book. I grew up in a family where I had no privacy at all and boundaries were crossed constantly.

Now, here, in my adult life I get to decide if I want privacy or not.

And I want privacy about the band.

Lots of people have regretted sharing it because people ignorantly confuse it with a bypass and wonder why they aren't losing 20 pounds a month. People also question whether the banded person is eating the proper foods instead of just trusting this banded adult to make his or her decisions.

As for most of us (all but the super-human among us), we HAVE DIETED and EXERCISED our butts off. I know I have.

[vintagehound 1]

This is a great thread for a difficult topic.

I am an open book, I can't help it. My mouth just starts going sometimes and doesn't seem to stop. I do dislike the "food police" and the "why aren't you loosing faster" questions...... However, I like people to know what I have gone through and how hard I am working to make changes. I do make the announcement like a speech. I always start by saying, "have you heard of the weight loss surgery called RxY where they re-route your insides and you loose weight drastically fast?" Most of the time they have heard of it or know someone that has had it... Then I say, "well I did not have that surgery, but I did have a different kind of WLS called lapband.. the procedure I had is less invasive, removable and adjustable, and with a lot of work I will loose weight slowly but surely." Of course they usually want to drill with questions and I am happy to give the juicy details. This approach has worked great, and those that I have told don't expect unrealistic results. I try to focus my answers on the fact that is is a tool, not a solution. A hottie that works at UPS, where I go twice a week for pick up, knows that I did this surgery and last week he said " Zoe you look great and I can really see your weight loss". That made me feel so good! He may not have felt comfortable saying anything to me about loosing weight if I had not been so honest before about what I did. I feel like I have opened doors of communication with random people by sharing my story and made them feel comfortable talking to me about my success later.

Zoe

surgery 7-21-06

-35 lbs!

[Lap_dancer 8]

I have sat here trying to decide what to say so here is what I came up with. First, My Husband and Mom are the only people who know. My story (short version) I was big as a child 3rd grade to 8th grade. Not huge just overweight. I was anorexic for about 3 years, I got very thin and unhealthy. I met my husband and he was worried about me not eating. I guess I knew he truly loved me regaurdless of my weight so.... I ate. I have always been active and exercised and so on. I got to a healthy weight and something happened and was hospitalized, and got put on steriods. Well I gained 60 pounds in about 3 weeks!!!! Then another 35 or so after while still on steriods. You think I am kidding. I am not, nor am I making it up. SO, I thought that this was Water weight or something and that I could loose it. I could not. I tried for 3 years.

I am going to say something and I hope that some one will understand what I mean. Please don't get mad at me, this is just how it is and was for me. My aunt(500lbs) and Uncle (900lbs or more) had gastric bypass. Well I watched them my whole life, they were too lazy to even try. Never tried to diet, never tried to exercise or nothing. They were the people that came to the Christmas Party and ate ALL the food and never even thought anythign about it. Well, my view is that they were to lazy to try so they just got insurance to pay for gastic bypass, my aunt is still fat and still doesnt try, she drinks tons of Coke and fast food and so on. I know what she looks like form the outside and I assume that people thought/think that of me, thet they think I was just to lazy to do anything because I was fat. I always felt that I had to tell people why I got fat and that I was not the "Typical" fat person. None of this matters I realize. But it is how my screwed up brain works. SO, the reason that I do not want anyone to know is because when you tell some people that you had WLS they automatically think you were to lazy exercise and ate Burger King all day. I'm sorry but that is how a lot of people think. I do not want to have to explain my situation to everyone or anyone for that matter. And I don't want some A$$ hole like my brother telling me what he thinks I need to do, (assuming he knew)when he knows nothing about a lap band or anything. I don't want peoples 2 cents about something they don't understand. I am on LBT so that I can meet people and tell people and share stories and stuff. I truly appreciate this site and have learned sooooo much and enjoy it. I just like to remain anonomous because I live in a TINY town and just don't want to have to explain my decision to have WLS. I don't want people telling me what else I could have done with 15,000 dollars. I can just hear them "You could have hired a personal trainer for 2 years" you could have done it on you own. Does anyone know what I mean. We all know that WLS is not a quick fix and it is not easy but unless you have been through it or known someone who has, the majority of people don't think that. I just don't want peoples 2 cents about something they know nothing about.

I hope that this does not offend anyone. This is only my experiance and opinion. I am not speaking to or about anyone else but myself, so please don't take anything personal.

What she said!:clap2:

[Murphles 0]

I want to finish my weight loss before I tell the general public. I have only told my best friend and my dtr and my husband. I am still afraid I won't be successful.

[DomincanGirl 0]

I have sat here trying to decide what to say so here is what I came up with. First, My Husband and Mom are the only people who know. My story (short version) I was big as a child 3rd grade to 8th grade. Not huge just overweight. I was anorexic for about 3 years, I got very thin and unhealthy. I met my husband and he was worried about me not eating. I guess I knew he truly loved me regaurdless of my weight so.... I ate. I have always been active and exercised and so on. I got to a healthy weight and something happened and was hospitalized, and got put on steriods. Well I gained 60 pounds in about 3 weeks!!!! Then another 35 or so after while still on steriods. You think I am kidding. I am not, nor am I making it up. SO, I thought that this was Water weight or something and that I could loose it. I could not. I tried for 3 years.

I am going to say something and I hope that some one will understand what I mean. Please don't get mad at me, this is just how it is and was for me. My aunt(500lbs) and Uncle (900lbs or more) had gastric bypass. Well I watched them my whole life, they were too lazy to even try. Never tried to diet, never tried to exercise or nothing. They were the people that came to the Christmas Party and ate ALL the food and never even thought anythign about it. Well, my view is that they were to lazy to try so they just got insurance to pay for gastic bypass, my aunt is still fat and still doesnt try, she drinks tons of Coke and fast food and so on. I know what she looks like form the outside and I assume that people thought/think that of me, thet they think I was just to lazy to do anything because I was fat. I always felt that I had to tell people why I got fat and that I was not the "Typical" fat person. None of this matters I realize. But it is how my screwed up brain works. SO, the reason that I do not want anyone to know is because when you tell some people that you had WLS they automatically think you were to lazy exercise and ate Burger King all day. I'm sorry but that is how a lot of people think. I do not want to have to explain my situation to everyone or anyone for that matter. And I don't want some A$$ hole like my brother telling me what he thinks I need to do, (assuming he knew)when he knows nothing about a lap band or anything. I don't want peoples 2 cents about something they don't understand. I am on LBT so that I can meet people and tell people and share stories and stuff. I truly appreciate this site and have learned sooooo much and enjoy it. I just like to remain anonomous because I live in a TINY town and just don't want to have to explain my decision to have WLS. I don't want people telling me what else I could have done with 15,000 dollars. I can just hear them "You could have hired a personal trainer for 2 years" you could have done it on you own. Does anyone know what I mean. We all know that WLS is not a quick fix and it is not easy but unless you have been through it or known someone who has, the majority of people don't think that. I just don't want peoples 2 cents about something they know nothing about.

I hope that this does not offend anyone. This is only my experiance and opinion. I am not speaking to or about anyone else but myself, so please don't take anything personal.

I havent had my sugery yet (hope to soon ), but I totally agree witht your reason for not telling .

Plus my family is made up of "super thin" woman to who have ridiculed me enough and I choose to not put MYSELF through any sarcastic comments that would be made if they we aware of my decision to go through with this .

My wonderful family member told me to get the gastric bypass at a time when , due to me starving ( dieting) myslef , I had lost weight and weight around 165 at 5 '6 . which meant I WASNT a canidate at the time of her oh so "helpful" unsolicited comment.:omg: This ofcourse hurt my feelings terribly

to me its a private personal choice, and I will make sure 1 person knows ..just in case i need help or a problem arrises....