newbie here to vent and seek support

[FineChyna 3]

hi everyone!

i was sleeved nearly 13 months ago and so far have lost 75lbs. i should note here that i am extremely greatful to been able to have this tool help me lose weight especially since i have been extremely heavy all my life (by the time i was in 2nd grade i was 100lbs, the day i was approved for surgery i was 290 lbs, a clothing size 22/24 and i am 5'7).

but what is bothering me is that even with me losing 75lbs is that i am still obese. and to be honest i hate how my body looks now. it didn't look great before but now it looks really weird to me. (maybe because i spent so many years extremely fat? who knows?). its frustrating as heck. i exercise a lot, log my food, drink all my Water, meet my Protein requirements and i just feel in limbo and sort of a failure especially since people my weight and height have lost 100+ lbs in less than a year and didn't even do a fraction of the work i did.

and i also feel so emotional vulnerable since my "amor" has disappeared. i was used to constantly being ignored and disrespected. now i have people constantly trying to be around me and telling me how "pretty i am now that i lost weight". i have two friends who make comments about my body that make me feel VERY uncomfortable to the point where i do not want to be around them. all i hear is "OMG you have no butt now, ewwww" "OMG you have no boobs now, EWWWWW" "If you lose anymore weight than we can't be friends". Now the commical thing is i never had a butt, its always been flat. as for boobs, my cup size is still the same, the band size changed. but its still ridiculous that even when i mention how uncomfortable their comments make me feel i am made to feel bad. i should also mention that one friend is sleeved herself but is not following the diet and stalled out her weight.

some may argue that people are trying to be around me because i am more outgoing and feel more confident but that is not the case at all. i feel LESS confident now. when i get upset or feel lonely i can't (and will not) turn to food. i am feeling things that i have no felt in a long time and its rather scary.

i also realize i don't know how to communicate my feelings or show feelings without being scared of rejection or judgement. before i used to sit silently or work to please people, while burying my own feelings in the bottom of a food container. there are many days that i am annoyed, frustrated and angry because i just don't know what to do with my feelings or communicate in a calm manner how i feel. so now i just pull back further into myself which isn't healthy at all.

so i came here looking for support and maybe some direction on what to do, or where to turn for answers. i am sure many here have faced or are facing the same things. i look forward to hearing from you

[my3sons 51]

I am not sure what answers you are looking for, I don't see any questions. I would suggest a support group at a local bariatric center, or therapy. Good luck.

[FineChyna 3]

i am trying to get feedback on how people deal with emotional issues surrounding their surgery.

as for going back to my bariatric center-i have not found their support groups helpful to me. they seem to be helpful to people that have just had their surgery or is working toward that goal. i have not been able to find a therapist locally that meets my needs either. i came here hoping someone could relate but maybe you are right, this site isn't a good fit either

[Sarah78_RN 66]

Congrats on your weight loss. Sounds like you have made the lifestyle changes to be successful. I'm afraid I can't offer much advise being only a week out. But have you thought about seeing a therapist? Maybe they would be able to help some. As for your "friends" it spins like you need new ones! They don't sound supportive at all. Sorry your having a hard time. But be proud of your accomplishments!!

[FineChyna 3]

Congrats on your weight loss. Sounds like you have made the lifestyle changes to be successful. I'm afraid I can't offer much advise being only a week out. But have you thought about seeing a therapist? Maybe they would be able to help some. As for your "friends" it spins like you need new ones! They don't sound supportive at all. Sorry your having a hard time. But be proud of your accomplishments!!

thx webb.

i have been seeing therapist off and on for years and could never find one that can deal with my food issues because i am not anorexic or bulimic. so i gave up and came here.

as for the friends i have been doing my best to ignore them lol

[Sarah78_RN 66]

thx webb.

i have been seeing therapist off and on for years and could never find one that can deal with my food issues because i am not anorexic or bulimic. so i gave up and came here.

as for the friends i have been doing my best to ignore them lol

I think you will find lots of support and advice here that is fitting. You can't be the only one going through this. Stick around there is lots of good info here!!

[atelux17 135]

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. Your friends are probably a lil jel right now. I don't really understand people who comment on intimate parts of another person's anatomy (well at least not a negative comment, I congratulate '&say nice A** a lot).

This is a hard time. We're here for you& we get it. Having your body change drastically is hard-mentally& emotionally. Focus on the positive aspects of your at loss. You feel better right? More energy? Less risk of debilitating diseases? Some shallow people are noticing you now? Let them admire you.

[hadouni 301]

I think I get some of what you're feeling. It's really hard when a coping mechanism (food) that's gotten you through life so far isn't really an option any more. For me, all the emotions I used to try and stuff down under whatever it was I chose to eat, I now have to try and deal with some other way. Even if I do try for a little sugar therapy, the amount I can eat isn't enough, so it's kind-of like, why bother? Bummer! =)

I had a very uncomfortable exchange a few weeks ago with a male acquaintance. We were in a group having dinner and I ordered a bacon wrapped scallop appetizer for my dinner. After we'd finished eating, he asked if that's (meaning my small portion of food) is how I lost all the weight. I'm not very public about my surgery but a few friends know, two of whom were at the table. I said, yes that's basically how I did it hoping to change the subject or shut it down. He then proceeded to tell me that I didn't need to loose any more weight because I'd be to thin. I weighed about 180 at the time at 5'7" and was still (and am still) technically overweight. His wife is also sitting at the table... just very uncomfortable.

I also feel your fear of rejection statement. I've spent years trying to be perfect and without mistakes and I'm now trying to let go of that need. I'm not so successful yet, but I'm trying. I've got a co-worker who just doesn't like me. I can't do anything right (or allow myself to feel that way toward this person) and this person is very powerful. No fun! We report to the same person and I know my boss thinks I do a fine job but the interaction with this person is just brutal.

I've, fortunately, not had any totally disrespectful comments. Most of the things people say to my face are complimentary and few have pushed for any info or diet advice - thank goodness. I'd feel like a total fraud offering up diet advice!

I went through a hard patch in the fall. New job, different stress and I quit exercising. I'm now back on the treadmill and even running which seems to make me happier in general. I do better when I have something to occupy my mind and think about or look forward to.

Sorry you're having a hard time. I never went to a therapist about my food issues but I did try Over-eaters Anonymous for a while. It can be a good place to share feelings about food issues and body image if you live in an area with active OA groups.

Hope you're feeling better!

[clk 3,519]

I think that what you're facing is the time to deal with the emotional side of weight loss. For long term success and health (mentally, as well as physically) this is something we have to do. Many folks don't tackle it until maintenance, but I think the earlier you can face some of this, the better.

It's no fun to be the slow loser. And frankly, the "I lost 100 pounds in six months" posts get a lot more traffic and attention. It's easy to compare and feel disappointed. Beyond that, we set goals for ourselves and when we don't meet them it's frustrating and disappointing.

It took me 17 months (no pre-op diet) to lose 105 pounds and reach my goal. There were times when I wanted to bang my head against the wall. And I won't lie - even two years out, sometimes I want to shake people for venting about "slow loss" when they're shedding eight and ten pounds a month...when many months I lost one or two pounds and experienced two nine week stalls.

If you're doing the right things for your diet and you're still losing (even slowly) then you are on the right track. It's just not the express train we hope for when we start. If you give up and quit, you will not make yourself any happier, and you'll still be unhappy with your body.

I have achieved goal. And even if I weren't pregnant right now, my normal goal weight is overweight. It bothers me, sure. I'll bet that part of it is excess skin, sure. But it took me a while to wrap my head around the fact that I was not going to be the girl complaining that I was losing too much weight. And it took me a while at goal for my body to reshape a bit and for me to really learn to love and appreciate my new, smaller body. No, it's the the swimsuit model body I secretly hoped to have. But I've done a great job and worked hard and it shows. I look a million times better than pre-op. Try to be forgiving of your body. One year post op and not at goal yet isn't enough time to get used to this new you.

Friends like that are either not your friends or are letting their own insecurities out and hurting you in the process. And honestly, unless you can tell people how they make you feel, they do not know (or at least can pretend they do not know). Women are competitive. We all want to be pretty. Too many women take this too far and feel that if they aren't the prettiest girl in the group, they can't be friends. If you search VST you'll see plenty of posts from people that lost friends over WLS. It's sad and it's silly and shallow, but sometimes it can't be helped.

And yes, people DO treat us differently when we lose weight. Sure, I'm more outgoing and fun now. But that doesn't explain everything. Plain and simple, people are drawn to pretty objects and don't even realize how hurtful it is when they're the same people that didn't have time for us when we were large.

It's hard to learn how to have a voice. I can say that one on one counseling or perhaps some self-help books (or other weight loss journey stories) might really benefit you here. Many of us hide in our fat and hide our feelings with food. I was absolutely in denial about how I was sabotaging myself until several months post op. It's very hard to overcome emotional eating and poor habits like binges or grazing if you don't deal with these issues. And even if you do overcome the food habits - you still have to find new, healthy ways to express yourself. This is something we can tell you that you need to do, but only you are going to be able to find a way to do it. I did grow a backbone post op. I really felt I'd had one before, but it wasn't until I realized that I was important and worth fighting for that I really started to stand up for myself. In my case, family was an issue and I basically cut out all of the baggage I didn't need in my life. It was hard - it was really, really hard to confront things that had been deep down bothering me for most of my life. But it was so liberating and so freeing once I did and I encourage you to do whatever it takes to reach the same point. What's the purpose of losing weight if we remain trapped in our bodies and our emotions anyway? This isn't just a physical journey for those of us that have battled obesity most of our lives.

I wish you good luck. There are some emotional eating and binge threads out there if you search and they have some great stories. There's a thread in the Vet board right now that you can read about dealing with the emotional side of weight loss.

Don't give up on your journey, either the physical or the emotional one. Life at goal, and a life that's happy and healthy and free of all that past garbage is really amazing and wonderful. I'm finally a happy person and yes, it's partly tied up in the weight loss. But more than being a physical thing, it's really the emotional burdens I finally put down that the weight loss made me confront that made the difference.

~Cheri

[mommyradd 115]

I'm too early out to help, but I wanted to say congratulations on your weight loss.You have lost a lot of weight, and should be proud of yourself.

I hope you found the other posts helpful. and thanks for sharing your story.I wish you well!

[mini.mee 83]

I think that what you're facing is the time to deal with the emotional side of weight loss. For long term success and health (mentally' date=' as well as physically) this is something we have to do. Many folks don't tackle it until maintenance, but I think the earlier you can face some of this, the better.

It's no fun to be the slow loser. And frankly, the "I lost 100 pounds in six months" posts get a lot more traffic and attention. It's easy to compare and feel disappointed. Beyond that, we set goals for ourselves and when we don't meet them it's frustrating and disappointing.

It took me 17 months (no pre-op diet) to lose 105 pounds and reach my goal. There were times when I wanted to bang my head against the wall. And I won't lie - even two years out, sometimes I want to shake people for venting about "slow loss" when they're shedding eight and ten pounds a month...when many months I lost one or two pounds and experienced two nine week stalls.

If you're doing the right things for your diet and you're still losing (even slowly) then you are on the right track. It's just not the express train we hope for when we start. If you give up and quit, you will not make yourself any happier, and you'll still be unhappy with your body.

I have achieved goal. And even if I weren't pregnant right now, my normal goal weight is overweight. It bothers me, sure. I'll bet that part of it is excess skin, sure. But it took me a while to wrap my head around the fact that I was not going to be the girl complaining that I was losing too much weight. And it took me a while at goal for my body to reshape a bit and for me to really learn to love and appreciate my new, smaller body. No, it's the the swimsuit model body I secretly hoped to have. But I've done a great job and worked hard and it shows. I look a million times better than pre-op. Try to be forgiving of your body. One year post op and not at goal yet isn't enough time to get used to this new you.

Friends like that are either not your friends or are letting their own insecurities out and hurting you in the process. And honestly, unless you can tell people how they make you feel, they do not know (or at least can pretend they do not know). Women are competitive. We all want to be pretty. Too many women take this too far and feel that if they aren't the prettiest girl in the group, they can't be friends. If you search VST you'll see plenty of posts from people that lost friends over WLS. It's sad and it's silly and shallow, but sometimes it can't be helped.

And yes, people DO treat us differently when we lose weight. Sure, I'm more outgoing and fun now. But that doesn't explain everything. Plain and simple, people are drawn to pretty objects and don't even realize how hurtful it is when they're the same people that didn't have time for us when we were large.

It's hard to learn how to have a voice. I can say that one on one counseling or perhaps some self-help books (or other weight loss journey stories) might really benefit you here. Many of us hide in our fat and hide our feelings with food. I was absolutely in denial about how I was sabotaging myself until several months post op. It's very hard to overcome emotional eating and poor habits like binges or grazing if you don't deal with these issues. And even if you do overcome the food habits - you still have to find new, healthy ways to express yourself. This is something we can tell you that you need to do, but only you are going to be able to find a way to do it. I did grow a backbone post op. I really felt I'd had one before, but it wasn't until I realized that I was important and worth fighting for that I really started to stand up for myself. In my case, family was an issue and I basically cut out all of the baggage I didn't need in my life. It was hard - it was really, really hard to confront things that had been deep down bothering me for most of my life. But it was so liberating and so freeing once I did and I encourage you to do whatever it takes to reach the same point. What's the purpose of losing weight if we remain trapped in our bodies and our emotions anyway? This isn't just a physical journey for those of us that have battled obesity most of our lives.

I wish you good luck. There are some emotional eating and binge threads out there if you search and they have some great stories. There's a thread in the Vet board right now that you can read about dealing with the emotional side of weight loss.

Don't give up on your journey, either the physical or the emotional one. Life at goal, and a life that's happy and healthy and free of all that past garbage is really amazing and wonderful. I'm finally a happy person and yes, it's partly tied up in the weight loss. But more than being a physical thing, it's really the emotional burdens I finally put down that the weight loss made me confront that made the difference.

~Cheri[/quote']

Everything you said is just ringing so true. I am only fairly a newbie being just three months out and was considering myself a slow loser, but have realized I am probably just normal. The emotions I feel after reading all your words of wisdom are many. Very wise Cheri, your friends are truly blessed to have you in their lives. Great Post :-)

[NewKristen 356]

I think that what you're facing is the time to deal with the emotional side of weight loss. For long term success and health (mentally' date=' as well as physically) this is something we have to do. Many folks don't tackle it until maintenance, but I think the earlier you can face some of this, the better.

It's no fun to be the slow loser. And frankly, the "I lost 100 pounds in six months" posts get a lot more traffic and attention. It's easy to compare and feel disappointed. Beyond that, we set goals for ourselves and when we don't meet them it's frustrating and disappointing.

It took me 17 months (no pre-op diet) to lose 105 pounds and reach my goal. There were times when I wanted to bang my head against the wall. And I won't lie - even two years out, sometimes I want to shake people for venting about "slow loss" when they're shedding eight and ten pounds a month...when many months I lost one or two pounds and experienced two nine week stalls.

If you're doing the right things for your diet and you're still losing (even slowly) then you are on the right track. It's just not the express train we hope for when we start. If you give up and quit, you will not make yourself any happier, and you'll still be unhappy with your body.

I have achieved goal. And even if I weren't pregnant right now, my normal goal weight is overweight. It bothers me, sure. I'll bet that part of it is excess skin, sure. But it took me a while to wrap my head around the fact that I was not going to be the girl complaining that I was losing too much weight. And it took me a while at goal for my body to reshape a bit and for me to really learn to love and appreciate my new, smaller body. No, it's the the swimsuit model body I secretly hoped to have. But I've done a great job and worked hard and it shows. I look a million times better than pre-op. Try to be forgiving of your body. One year post op and not at goal yet isn't enough time to get used to this new you.

Friends like that are either not your friends or are letting their own insecurities out and hurting you in the process. And honestly, unless you can tell people how they make you feel, they do not know (or at least can pretend they do not know). Women are competitive. We all want to be pretty. Too many women take this too far and feel that if they aren't the prettiest girl in the group, they can't be friends. If you search VST you'll see plenty of posts from people that lost friends over WLS. It's sad and it's silly and shallow, but sometimes it can't be helped.

And yes, people DO treat us differently when we lose weight. Sure, I'm more outgoing and fun now. But that doesn't explain everything. Plain and simple, people are drawn to pretty objects and don't even realize how hurtful it is when they're the same people that didn't have time for us when we were large.

It's hard to learn how to have a voice. I can say that one on one counseling or perhaps some self-help books (or other weight loss journey stories) might really benefit you here. Many of us hide in our fat and hide our feelings with food. I was absolutely in denial about how I was sabotaging myself until several months post op. It's very hard to overcome emotional eating and poor habits like binges or grazing if you don't deal with these issues. And even if you do overcome the food habits - you still have to find new, healthy ways to express yourself. This is something we can tell you that you need to do, but only you are going to be able to find a way to do it. I did grow a backbone post op. I really felt I'd had one before, but it wasn't until I realized that I was important and worth fighting for that I really started to stand up for myself. In my case, family was an issue and I basically cut out all of the baggage I didn't need in my life. It was hard - it was really, really hard to confront things that had been deep down bothering me for most of my life. But it was so liberating and so freeing once I did and I encourage you to do whatever it takes to reach the same point. What's the purpose of losing weight if we remain trapped in our bodies and our emotions anyway? This isn't just a physical journey for those of us that have battled obesity most of our lives.

I wish you good luck. There are some emotional eating and binge threads out there if you search and they have some great stories. There's a thread in the Vet board right now that you can read about dealing with the emotional side of weight loss.

Don't give up on your journey, either the physical or the emotional one. Life at goal, and a life that's happy and healthy and free of all that past garbage is really amazing and wonderful. I'm finally a happy person and yes, it's partly tied up in the weight loss. But more than being a physical thing, it's really the emotional burdens I finally put down that the weight loss made me confront that made the difference.

~Cheri[/quote']

Great post!

[Colemon70 87]

I'm not sleeved yet but I feel as with anything in life you need t let go of the negativity and stick with as much positives as you can. If your friends are aware of how you feel and what they say make you uncomfortable, I'd take a few steps back from them. You don't need that negativity. If the acknowledge you are upset and they are true friends they will change what they say to you. It's all about you. This is your life, sometimes you need to leave those that don't belong in it

[NancyDec20 212]

great job on the weight loss.. we are all different.. we all lose at a different rate.. my hubby had the surgery too one week after I did.. and he looks great.. he isnt at his goal yet.. but getting close. me on the other hand.. I still have a lot to go..and yes I get frustrated at the fact its so easy for him to lose the weight.. me it is taking more time.. but I understand that.. still frustrates me but its ok... you are doing a great job.. just come here for advice and direction.. but do keep to your diet of Protein and water... as for the so called friends.. if they were true friends they would be more supportive of you.. I have a great circle of supporters.. including my hubby.. and has there been any negative nellies? yes one I work with.. who likes to inform me on a daily basis of how she is going to lose wt the old fashion way and is not going to resort to surgery to lose it.. but in a few more months.. I will have the last laugh.. she is struggling..and if she is looking to me for support.. I have non for her.. I have no regrets other than not doing this sooner.. I do have one insecurity.. but this isnt about me.. I will deal with whatever people throw at me.. bring it is what I say.. bring it.. and if you cant be happy for me.. or supportive.. get out of my circle.. I have no time for the negatives.. even tho people feel the need to tell me about their mothers brothers sister inlaw who had the surgery and it failed I tell them it didnt fail... they failed.. oh well.. keep up the good work.. you will hit your goal as I will.. hang out and stay awhile here.. )))

[Susie1226 138]

Those aren't friends. You have told them to stop and they won't. Don't let anyone disrespect you. I think you just need time to wrap your head around the new you. As silly as it may sound, pick one thing you like about yourself and compliment yourself on it. Do it everyday and little by little you will feel it. Write down your thoughts and try to do things you enjoy that your new body is now letting you do. I think we all have armor of some kind. It's hard but we have to let our walls down otherwise we don't let good come in. Unfortunately the bad will come in too. You have done so well be proud. I'm proud of you. I'm here for you if you need to vent. Most important thing you can do is to surround yourself with positive people who will support you.