Can't take any more

[bkgrandma 0]

Thank you, I'm not totally there yet with loving myself for who I am but I'm going to try my best to make sure I do. It's been a long hard road and I don't know if there's a end to it or not but I pray there is. For all of us, who suffer from this internal monter called HATE! bkgrandma

[bkgrandma 0]

I understand totally what your feeling. I'm 5'1" and right now weigh 230 pounds at 61 years of age, at the age of 40 I weighed 250 pounds and wear a size 22-24. I've tried and failed every diet imaginable, even the severe gross liquid diets, I lost 80 pounds but got tired of it and started eating food after a year and gained it all back except for 20 pounds. I thought when I had the stints put in my heart "alright if you don't lose this weight your going to kill yourself because the heart can't handle it", well that didn't change a damn thing, when I had to have my right knee replaced due to arthritis I thought "alright, if I don't lose this weight I'll wind up having to have the other knee and or hips done" well that didn't do it either. I really don't think I can stop what I'm doing to myself. The physicians assistant at my cardiologists office wanted me to commit myself into the psych ward, that really pissed me off, I'm not crazy, just troubled and addicted. She wanted to put me in with the alcoholics, drug abuses, sex offenders etc. I saw a psychologist when I was in my 30's that told me he didn't know why my husband stayed with me because my husband had told him how disgusted he was about my weight, well my husband never met with the man. You having a doctor force a surgery on you is pure abuse in my opinion. How dare he! There are other ways to help people, I did this on my own, no one forced me into it. I think I wanted a quick fix to a lifetime problem but it doesn't work that way. I agree with a couple of others that have written in, I might work better for you to just have a total unfill and see if you can find some peace in your life, there is bound to be someone who can help, I wish you all the luck and prayers in the world. Hang in there, from what you told me about your size we're about the same and I hate the term "morbid obese" but I guess I am but I still have a happy and productive life and hope you can have the same. I'll let you know how my "shrink" visit goes on Tuesday if your interested. Should be interesting, I'm looking forward to it, just to hear what one more person thinks about all this. Hell I asked him on the phone if he did hypnotism and he said yes, maybe he'll do that for me. I stopped smoking in one session 18 years ago, never worked for the eating though. I've even asked my doctor I've seen for over 30 years if there was a pill out that they use on sugar addictions like they have one for drug users and he said sadly no. I'm so thankful to him, he's never put me down for my weight and has helped in so many things, but he just can't help me in this. Sorry to ramble on, my mind is going 100 miles a hour.

[ted12345 0]

I have taken the bull by the horns and started a MSN struggling bandsters support group, I know i am low so will only offer moral support i am not a medical profeccional but if you are struggling i have walked a mile in your shoes. lests support each other.

http://groups.msn.com/StrugglingBandsters

Every one experiencing problems is welcome to join and moan and groan with out feeling they are abnormal or a burden.

[bkgrandma 0]

I've tried entering the MSN group but having problems posting. I've never used the MSN before, I'll keep trying. Thanks for the offer. Linda:)

[ted12345 0]

It is a moderated group so you couldnt post untill approved membersships. I have accepted you now you should have no more probs. xxxx Welcome abored

[green 6]

Hello, Muggle. I am sorry to read about all your problems with the band. Of course your surgeon never should have banded you - you didn't want it! This was a very bad start to a bad relationship with something that was implanted inside you.

In order for the band to work you have to want to have the band and then you must be prepared to work with it. Even then, the band seems to work better for some people than for others. Some of us will have problems with it and will be disappointed.

I think that you are doing the right thing by starting a website for people who are having problems, are angry, and do want support.

[ted12345 0]

It wasn't that i didnt want the band, I knew from research what the band needed to work, And for me it would still mean a strickt diet and so one changed i knew i would find hard to make. Just like people make the wise decisons not to have bypass because for what ever reason.

I knew from research i would strugle with the band and strugle to make the changes.

[bitteroldhag 0]

I've been reading this off and on for a couple of hours and feel so sad that people are experiencing this. I too have similar problems and made up my mind on Thanksgiving (23rd) that come Monday morning I'm going back to the doctor and have him take most of this saline if not all of it out. I had a episode that was the worst yet on the 23rd, just after drink 3 sips of Water with my meds. I was trying not to throw up because the meds could come back up and then I wouldn't know how much got into my system. I could have sworn I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breathe, my face turned beet red, my heart was pounding, my chest hurt, pain down my arm and my jaws were aching. When I finally threw up the Water the pain finally subsided but my nervous system just went into high gear. I've sufferered from anxiety attacks for over 25 years which have been under control for a long time and they came back full force. They used to be caused by stress and fear over having a heart attack one day (related to my Dads death, too long to go into) and I thought I had finally beaten it but oh boy was I wrong. My system is still screwed up today. For months I haven't been able to eat meat, not too many vegetables, salads, so mostly nothing nutritious. I've written in before about my turning to my old friend and addiction to sweets, those at least can go down. 2 weeks ago I went to my doctor and he suggested I NOT have anything taken out of the band because it sounds to him like it's working and he wants me to see a psychriaist this coming week. I agreed to see one, I've been to several over the years without any help or success in helping me in my addiction so I figured whats one more try but after the other day I will not put myself or my nervous system through this again. I know if I lose some weight I'll probably live longer but to what degree, miserable, in pain all the time, not getting proper nutrition or Fluid intake, I don't think so. I feel so bad for yo Muggle that you got so bad and desperate that you tried to take your own life, it just isn't worth it. I promised God on the 23rd that if he could help me get through that episode that I would have this band loosened and try to become the woman he created me to be. I put all my worries on him and I pray he answers. I'm going to be 61 tomorrow, I've spent more than 50 years living in this fat body, taking put downs from doctors, other professionals, family, and strangers and I'm done. I tried this since September of 2005 and I'm tired. I haven't lost any weight, I have gained over the last couple of months so what good is it if I don't work with it and evidently something is keeping me from it or something is wrong and the doctors just haven't found it yet, I had to have the port replaced once because they poked it full of holes. I have 3 stints in my heart due to heart disease and will not go through life not knowing if I'm having heart attacks or band problems. It's enough to give you a nervous breakdown, I've had one and will not have another for anyone. Nothing is worth taking your life, nothing! Your doctors wife should be put to shame, I don't know how things are done medically in your country but I'd be out finding another doctor. I hope everything goes well for you and you can make some improvements on your own, thats what I'm going to have to do, rely on myself even though I've never been able to do it on my own, I'll never give up. Take care of yourself.

Gastric pain can be confused with a heart attack, but as a person who has had a bypass, I recommend you check this out. The key thing with this sort of pain is sweating. If you broke out in a sweat, definitely have your heart checked. I had my gallbladder out in 1991 due to pain which didn't go away. In 1993, I had a double bypass (I was 45 years old). Actually I still have the pain but it is irritable bowel syndrome which the docs were too stupid to figure out in 1991. But don't take chances with your heart. They can fix many problems now without a bypass. If you had pain radiating down your arm and in your jaw, that sounds like angina at the least. Check it out.

[bitteroldhag 0]

I feel for you BKgrandma, I know what you mean you are very articulate about discribing the sensation of how it feel's when something is stuck,

Other bandsters can seem to have a band and lose no probs but i can't i am astonished they can eat meat, Pasta salad and i cant i cant manage any meat struggle with egg's sometimes anything fiberus in texture things i used to love like pineapple grapes, stodgy foods like banana just go down like a ton of bricks. I cant eat bread or toast. Soup makes me feel bloated and sick.

If i do as i am advised and eat solid food i throw it uo. I chew i even eat with a small spoon so i know my individual portions are not big. I do the protine first. I literally can only eat a bit or two and thats it i know if i eat more ill throw up. But if i stick to this after 4 or 5 days im ill week and irritable just feel so hungry, then i will eat something that i knows go's down just to feel satified if i dont eat ill faint i just know it.

And im told its a tool use it wisely i mean i try and use it wisely but its just not working the way i was told to expect it too work. I feel ashamed i cant keep at it the not snacking the will power not to eat the foods i shouldnt. For some people it just does not seem that hard they seem to be able to eat most things even a small meal. I can't and i feel so ashamed of my self its like im stopping myself from loseing weight. i keep hearing that just stick to the rules and it will work. But the rules are harder to stick to than any diet pre op at least pre op i could make healthy food choices.

Its a barbaric as electric shock treatment this band and pycologically its cause more damage than anything iv ever experienced, As a child my child abuse was not of my doing but this band and its sucess is solely down to me and i cant do it. Why in gods name would i sabotage myself like this and torture myself. How many times have i heard "god you cant even lose weight with surgery" and oh how much have you lost now, You can see these sheer glee that its not worked that im still fat its how they have always known me and im sure they couldnt bare it if i did succeed they would not have anything else to humiliate me with.

As a child being fat was my protection i was bulled because i was fat and i liked it that way. I would rather be bullied for than than have people tease mebecause i was in care because i didnt have a mum or dad. Because of many things people knew about me. they couldnt see past my weight and i was glad i could bare the digs about my fat legs but not when they said i wasnt loved not even your mum loves you. that i couldnt handle so i stayed big to protect myself from that.

And now i am 31 and i dont need to hide behind the weight i just want to lose it and be the real me rather than the scared timid me, And the same old feelings of rejection self hate and so all come flooding back with a vengence that i am failing with this. i know it sounds paranoid but i feel karma is at work that i had a crappy childhood because i was bad mum didnt want me cuz i was bad and now im fat cuz i was bad this is my punishment and this is how its gonne be no matter how i try and defete it.

See its screwing me up and deep down i feel the inner me is better than this better than them feeling better than what i beleve i am. But i cant let go while the anchour is still weighing me down the out side isnt reflecting what the inside feels. and while the outside stays like this its supressing my real me inside. God give me strenth because i know life can be good and i know life is worth living.

I just started reading your thread tonight but I relate to a lot of it. However, you shouldn't think you are unloved. There are a whole lot of people who seem to love you quite a bit because they respond to your posts with much love. I care about you and I'll probably never meet you. You've had a really, really tough life so I hope you get better soon and realize that a whole lot of people do care about you. You are honest and kind and are starting to toughen up and tell people where to go. I like that. I took me until my 30s to do that but now I tell the doctors where to go. I lay down the law to them and there is nothing they can do about it. I think we just have to stand up for ourselves on occasion and tell unhelpful people to go to hell and take their buddies with them.

[Persimmon 0]

Muggle, I'm really sorry to read about all your difficulties. It's quite evident you are much too tight. It's impossible to eat like a bandster when you're too tight...you must be able to eat solid food comfortably. Your doctors have done you no favors in allowing you to stay this tight and I'm sure that's contributing to your emotional distress.

All WLS requires drastic lifestyle changes...the RNY is stricter than the band, I'm sorry to tell you...but it's not easy for anyone...most of us fight old habits every day in some way or another.

But what matters now is that you're fighting your band and it's causing complete disruption of your life to the extreme. You need to insist on a complete unfill. Restriction isn't a "loud" thing...it's surprisingly subtle, if it's right. Bandsters should not be puking regularly, unable to eat solid foods, etc. That doesn't result in weight loss...it only results in damage and stress.

Being too tight doesn't result in any benefit whatsoever...not even in weight loss...it's nothing but misery.

Hang in there and stand up to any doctor who doesn't listen...get that fill out.

Nancy

-156

[ted12345 0]

I don't dounbt i am over filled, Or too tight but i dont understand how when i firt had my band i had 4 mills in my band and had no retristction then had another 2/12 mills and that when i got pnumonioa had complete unfill to revocer and now i have only 2 1/2 mills and im too tight how can i be too tight with less than before were i had no restriction?

My scalp is horrendusly sore its red rore and flaking and my fore head and sides of my face look like iv been scolded, Do you thinks it has anything to do with poor nutrition or stress or somthimg. Im reluctant to see the Dr if its not related? I feel like its the least of my worries.

[jahair 0]

I don't dounbt i am over filled, Or too tight but i dont understand how when i firt had my band i had 4 mills in my band and had no retristction then had another 2/12 mills and that when i got pnumonioa had complete unfill to revocer and now i have only 2 1/2 mills and im too tight how can i be too tight with less than before were i had no restriction?

My calp is horrendusly sore its red rore and flaking and my fore head and sides of my face look like iv been scolded, Do you thinks it has anything to do with poor nutrition or stress or somthimg. Im reluctant to see the Dr if its not related? I feel like its the least of my worries.

Muggles, please make that appointment right away for the unfill and to be seen about the scalp and skin problem. Who cares if it is band related or not ? This is just another part of the general misery you are in right now. My guess is that you are in so much mental and physical distress that it almost has you paralyzed. Please take care of yourself. I'm guessing it must be late afternoon in England. Is it too late to make the call today?

Jo Ann

[ted12345 0]

sorry i meant scalp not calp my speling is bad but not that bad lol

i have a appointment in Jan i dont think i can get to see the consultant before the 9th of Jan

[Wheetsin 714]

Re scalp & face, lots of things could lead to red & sore. Check in with a dermatologist. It may seem like the least of your problems, but remember it only took one straw to break the camel's back. Focus on the things you can take care of now, because every little bit you can alleviate will take you that much closer to a healthier you.

Seek out a dermatologist for the skin issues. Have you changed Shampoo, conditioner, or other treatment for that area lately? They don't (here anyway) normally have that long of a waiting list. Every little bit truly does help.

[jahair 0]

sorry i meant scalp not calp my speling is bad but not that bad lol

i have a appointment in Jan i dont think i can get to see the consultant before the 9th of Jan

Please tell me more about the term "consultant." We don't use that here in the US. Also, is there no procedure for an "emergency" unfill?

Jo Ann