This day... ugh. (extreme drama queenage inside this post.)

[katikati 127]

(Warning: If you're a pre-op, you probably don't need to read this. I'm pretty sure it's all an effect of dehydration and hormones and won't be the most encouraging thing to take in right now. With that said, if you do read this, please know, I'd still get this surgery again in a heartbeat. It's actually been much easier than I could have ever hoped.)

I don't even feel like I have the mental capacity to make this a complete paragraph. This will be a lamentation in list form.

1) I'm hungry and I'm tired of liquids, popsicles, and jell-o. I'm still on my clear liquid phase until my post-op follow-up on Monday.

2) I'm so freaking emotional. I know why I'm emotional, the sudden weight loss, hormones released, etc. Knowing why doesn't make it feel better or make me more rational in this moment, though.

3) Having actual hunger pains now is really bothering me a bit, and giving me these little moments of panic. I literally have not eaten in two weeks. Yes, I've had Protein drinks here and there, but not every day, and I'm still fighting to get all my liquids in every day right now, so Water is taking precedence. Yes, I know I'm not going to die of starvation. I have plenty of stores built up, but again, rational thoughts blah blah blah yada yada yada... no comprende.

4) Today was the first day I had that thought again of "What have I done?" I had it a day or two post-op and it passed. I'm not sitting here thinking it right now, but it did drift back through today.

5) I had this dream last night that refuses to stop floating through my mind and is absolutely torturing me. I dreamed that I made a plain turkey burger and folded a piece of the most amazing bread I have ever seen around it. The turkey burger was really juicy for some reason and soaked into the bread and was the most incredible, ecstasy-inducing thing I have ever placed in my mouth. No seasonings, no condoments. Just a heaven sandwich.

6) I am effing over this stupid drain in my stomach. I've had double the drainage since day before yesterday and I'm afraid the surgeon will say I need to keep it when I see him on Monday. If he says that, I'm afraid I'm going to say he's going to need to keep my fist in his face as well. (Okay, I'd never say that. I love my surgeon. He's the best.)

7) I texted my best friend yesterday. She's been a wonderful support in this, and is also an RN, so has been there to help with some advice a couple of times post-op. I told her that I was really missing chocolate on Valentine's Day. (I swear I haven't spent the whole time thinking of food. I've been remarkably okay without it. The turkey burger dream and the chocolate have been the only two occurrences.) She said, "One square won't hurt you. Couldn't you just let one square melt on your tongue?" That's when I suddenly remembered that I really do have to be so careful who I talk to about food. I'm still on Clear Liquids because I had the majority of my stomach removed. I'm not going to jump from that to a square of chocolate. Also, if I were able to be satisfied with one square of chocolate, I wouldn't have needed this surgery. Also, just... wtf crazy lady? What an incredibly inapropriate suggestion.

I know that all of this is 100% because of hormones, and I can tell I'm also dehydrated today. I'm way behind on my liquid intake for the day. I was just assaulted with this extreme lethargy from the moment I awoke and every sip just feels like so much work, and I'm really fighting this part of me today that says I don't care. Just... eff it. (Only less politely.) For some reason, every sip I take is making me feel immediately full. I haven't had any full feelings prior to today. I'm really sleepy right now and all I want to do is just go to sleep, but I know I've got to get some more Fluid in, because I really can tell I'm on the edge with a slight headache and a little dizzy. Plus, I spent a good amount of time sobbing today, and I think I may have cried out everything I took in.

Okay, please don't jump on me. I know I was never told this would be easy, and that I have to work this for myself. I'm normally very docile and compliant. I just really needed to set politeness and the fear of what people will think of me aside for just a moment and say all of this. I'm feeling so alone in it. None of my friends will understand this as well as you all will.

[leeann71 539]

Hang in there hunny it will get better I promise. I am so proud of you for sticking to your clear liquid diet, to me thet was the hardest. Keep your head up do what you have to and remember these feeling your having will pass. Good luck we are here for you :-)

[No game 14,437]

Lol!! I love the disclaimer In the beginning for pre ops!!

You sound right in track!! Text book reactions! And you knew to expect it which is great..

Shoot you actually left me with nothing to say or explain

Hang in there!

( yep that's all you get is an over used weak saying like hang in there)

Edit; oops just saw the other hang in there!!! Sorry it's an awesome sentiment

[katikati 127]

Thank you. I will take as many hang in theres as I can get. Knowing that other people went through this and survived really helps. Except, I don't know if I should read them because the minute I saw both of your responses I started crying again. God, help me. I am really pathetic right now!

[Katie713 423]

Everything you're feeling is NORMAL. Your hormones are out of whack, I had alot of EMO days in the beginning, but less these days as I have gotten used to this way of eating, my little meals, taking my Vitamins and not fighting the regimen. It feels normal and not stressful. You will feel better as you begin moving through the stages of eating and feeling full on very little. Keep up those fluids!

[katikati 127]

On the bright side, I'm losing two or three pounds a day. I'm pretty sure that's outstanding.

[No game 14,437]

I couldn't tell you how many times I crawled into bed and cried that first month!!!

And for no reason really! I'm mean sometimes it was just because I wanted to eat! Not even that I was hungry I just wanted my tasty friends back!

When you are three months out and losing lots of weight this will all be worth it.. I promise

[DanaInNewOrleans 513]

I promise you it gets better. I think the first week is the hardest emotionally.... I'm only 8 weeks out but my surgery feels like such a long time ago... I WILL get better....just try to hang in there...

[measureofme 175]

Thank you for posting this. I don't feel so alone now, at this moment. Your words could be mine. I added insult to my feelings by thinking who euphoric I was right after surgery. Hugs to you.

[measureofme 175]

Thank you for posting this. I don't feel so alone now, at this moment. Your words could be mine. I added insult to my feelings by thinking who euphoric I was right after surgery. Hugs to you.

**by thinking HOW euphoric I was

[DanaInNewOrleans 513]

Ok, I just read all the responses.... I see that my "hang in there" was not very original! LOL....

[No game 14,437]

Sorry I was just trying to funny to cheer her up Dana.

I don't think it worked, I just hate seeing people so sad

I don't miss those early days....

[DanaInNewOrleans 513]

Thank you. I will take as many hang in theres as I can get. Knowing that other people went through this and survived really helps. Except, I don't know if I should read them because the minute I saw both of your responses I started crying again. God, help me. I am really pathetic right now!

By the way, your dimples are adorable! I would love love love to have those dimples!

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

will take as many hang in theres as I can get. - God, help me. I am really pathetic right now!

katikati

hi newbie

welcome to the board

yes, as everybody today and tomorrow will always say - things do get better, they really do i promise!!!!

the "beginning" can be very hard

but i know you will come through to the "other' side!!!

take care

get a tissue and dry your pretty eyes

why are you up now??? its after 1:00 am!!!!!

i'm tired thinking about the time

i think i am going to close my eyes now and..........

oooops did i doze offffff?????

night all

proudgrammy - over, but never out!!!!! :lol:

[leeann71 539]

In the begining I didn't have any depression, now I do some what. Don't know why either? I guess everything about this process has been slow so I guess why not the depression lol. You will be fine I promise, let all of those emotions and tears out, cause really soon you will be feeling alot better. Especially when you see and feel your weight loss.