Marriage - I Don't Know If...

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,146]

My marriage will survive this... WLS...

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. Maybe because I'm surrounded by WLS peers.

We have "pre existing marital" problems and he's admitted to being insecure about us postop. He is still supportive, but has admitted if worries him.

Am I selfish if I solider on and get WLS? I don't think I will survive morbid obesity and my comorbidities.

It stresses me out and makes me feel guilty for thinking this way...

Amanda Rae

[DayByDay 123]

My marriage will survive this... WLS...

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. Maybe because I'm surrounded by WLS peers.

We have "pre existing marital" problems and he's admitted to being insecure about us postop. He is still supportive, but has admitted if worries him.

Am I selfish if I solider on and get WLS? I don't think I will survive morbid obesity and my comorbidities

Amanda Rae

Above all you have to take care of yourself. You have to put yourself first. Its not being selfish to be your best healthy self. My husband isn't all that thrilled either. I'm doing it anyway. I refuse to not get healthy because of his insecurities. All you can do is keep the lines of communication open. It could be that he doesn't want you to have a bad outcome. Surgery is a risk and he doesn't want to lose you. Or is it because he thinks you'll become more attractive to others and leave him. Either way try to involve him in the process and assure him it is a health focused choice. When he is willing to be involved, talk to him about the risks of not doing the surgery, what your comorbidities will do to your body over time. That's all you can do. The rest is up to him. My husbad doesn't really want to talk about it, so I don't forse the issue. But when he does want to talk, I do what i can to inform him.

Take care.

[cbd 78]

We have a great marriage and I have still heard my husband (who has been very supportive of my decision) make comments like....I hope you won't find someone new after you loose all your weight) This is so UNLIKE him.....I just laugh it of and reassure him. I am four weeks post op and he has actually been dieting along with me so he can get healthier too.....he only needs to loose about 30# and has already lost 10 of it. Sex is easier for me too....thats definately a plus.

[lwilliams65 102]

No you are not being selfish for wanting to look, feel, and be healthy. My husband is worried too. He made me promise I wouldn't leave him lol. I think every spouse has those thoughts when the other achieves something, even if they don't say it out loud. I'm thinking if your husband is worried about losing you then he must really love you. If he didn't love you he wouldn't worry or support you.

[Leleboo 104]

No you are not being selfish he is. If he truly loves you he will want you to have the surgery so that you can live a long and healthy life with or without him. I don't know if you have children, I have 3 and I always put myself last. If I don't take care of myself I won't be around to take care of them, so I have come to the conclusion that having the surgery is not selfish.

[BrokeMyHalo 107]

Lots of SO's are nervous and insecure! It's scary for them too.

If you truly love him, keep him in the loop. Get some couples therapy and make it a journey together. It's never too late to try. Him being supportive shows he cares.

I would move forward with surgery- but carefully. He may feel left behind, which doesn't seem like the best reason to give up!

I wish you luck! If it doesn't work out, you have a support system here.

[djsacco 32]

My husband was worried about any negative outcomes other than that he was very supportive. He has not once expressed that he worried about me leaving him when I get thin. This surgery is a very serious and permanate decision and your life will change completely! He will come around once he sees how much better you will feel.

[flmama 105]

No, you aren't selfish.

His admitting his concerns is a huge step. Would you be open to going to counseling with him? If I had problems going into wls with my spouse, my butt would be in that chair each week building a foundation for our marriage to continue on. Of course, that is assuming you want it to!

Individual counseling for both may also be super helpful. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide!

[Jen35 283]

It's not selfish to take care of your health. No one else is going to do this for us - it's up to us to take charge of our lives. That being said, it's important to realize that any changes you make in your life does affect your relationship. Those who have WLS have a higher rate of divorce, for whatever reasons. My counselor recommended that when I get close to goal, that my husband and I do some counseling together. Also, we are trying to work on our relationship along the way - making sure we are staying connected.

[DestinyIsWaiting 21]

I would have to agree with the ladies...Not being selffish at all!!! It is very normal for you rmate to feel this way. When I first decided to do this, I approached my husband and asked him how he would feel. He made some of those very comments. I however, told him that if i was gonna leave him, i would have did it before. It will take constant reassuring and he will definalty reap the benefits. I have just made sure to keep him informed along the way. He jokingly makes comments about me leaving him(which i feel is how he truely feels sometimes), but reassure him that I have to do this for us and our kids!! Good luck and thanks for being transparent!! Best Wishes!.

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,146]

No' date=' you aren't selfish.

His admitting his concerns is a huge step. Would you be open to going to counseling with him? If I had problems going into wls with my spouse, my butt would be in that chair each week building a foundation for our marriage to continue on. Of course, that is assuming you want it to!

Individual counseling for both may also be super helpful. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide![/quote']

We're going to counseling for other reasons... Sigh...

Amanda Rae

[No game 14,437]

Well the fact that you two are in counseling shows a willingness from the both of you to make this marriage work.,.

Without knowing what your problems are in the marriage. Do you think his insecurity is from just the surgery or does it come from something else?

As far as being selfish... Well sometimes being

"Selfish" is something we need to do to make us more available and healthy for our husbands and children..

I've never been "selfish" and I think that in part has led to my weight gain. So yes I did

something for my "self" but my whole family benefits from it also.

[cyncitygirl 100]

I agree with everyone an moreover, I think your marriage is more at risk if you stay obese (aka at risk for multiple illnesses and depression and physical limitations). I think staying overweight for his insecurities is dangerous for both of you right now. This may help you both get healthy and have a better sex life. This may make him resentful and make the relationship difficult but that is an action e can and should control. I would be more concerned that you yourself will become resentful of HIM if you don't get the surgery. Then if that resentment breaks you up AND you're still obese, that's even worse. Not to worry you, my point is, your choosing to get healthy is so many ways, that should be best for your relationship with everyone including. And most importantly, yourself.

My bf was always supportive without being pushy. He is very protective of how I healed and now we work out together. He never worked out or liked eating at home before my surgery but now it's become quality time we enjoy together. You may be surprised how your change inspires him. ???? Good luck.

[lucy87 5]

I feel bad for those spouses getting divorce after WLS but they saved themselves time i guess by dealing with issues that were being covered. My husband understands that if i dont get this done, it would be only a matter of time before diabetes gets me pretty soon and neither of us want that plus we want to have a baby. He already looks athletic so I have been on him about my insecurities instead of opposite lol But in the end is about YOU and YOU only, so kindly ask for support from spouse and don't ignore them while your self discovering yourself again while your loosing weight- its an exciting time for both of you

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,146]

Well the fact that you two are in counseling shows a willingness from the both of you to make this marriage work.' date='.

Without knowing what your problems are in the marriage. Do you think his insecurity is from just the surgery or does it come from something else?

As far as being selfish... Well sometimes being

"Selfish" is something we need to do to make us more available and healthy for our husbands and children..

I've never been "selfish" and I think that in part has led to my weight gain. So yes I did

something for my "self" but my whole family benefits from it also.

[/quote']

His insecurities predate our meeting and subsequent marriage. This July will be 12 years of marriage and his insecurities have not gone away.

There are cracks in our marriage foundation and we went thru a marital earthquake this past September which was preceded by warning rumbles. Thus the counseling.

I've read other threads stating that if your marriage is in troubled Water pre WLS then it's hard to recover. But I cannot not have WLS. I want to be happy and healthy. For myself and for my loved ones. How can I be a good woman, wife, mom/stepmom, daughter, and sister if I'm not happy with myself?

Amanda Rae