Dealing with mother's opposition (or not dealing...)

[Healthygal 50]

I'm still waiting to hear something about insurance issues at this point, and how we will proceed with the process. Most days I feel very strongly that I want this done, but other days I am scared. I gather that's normal, so I just roll with it and think of all the times I've lost weight only to gain it back, and how miserable I am. I think a lot about how it will be not to have to live this way anymore.

My husband is good with this, my kids are supportive, but the one person I am not even going to bother telling is my mother. My mom is opinionated and headstrong, and has almost never supported anything I wanted to do in my life. She also fancies herself an expert on human health, based on her extensive study on websites, investigation into natural healing items on websites that were SELLING the natural healing items, and her own personal experience. Since I became a nurse, I have learned to steer clear of health topics with her because she will resoundly trounce me about them. And she's not nice about it, either. She lets me know in no vague way that she thinks I'm stupid, that the information I'm touting is stupid and wrong, and that all of my training is based on what Big Pharma wants the world to know. She's very big into conspiracy theories, too...so really almost any topic with mom is a real teeth-grinder to get through.

For several months, my mother has been trying to get me to take various supplements and drinks because that's the only way I'll be thin. Of course, some of the origins of some of these items are highly suspicious, and I put her off on many of them. Things like Vit D3, well, that has sound studies backing taking that, but otherwise I am not going to just take things because "mom says to." I'm 43 and can make up my own mind. That doesn't mean there aren't consequences.

If I were to mention anything about having VSG my mother would flip! I mean, the resulting tirade of how stupid I was, how selfish I was to spend money that I should be using for something else and am instead spending it on mutilating myself...wow, it would just be a miserable experience. My mother doesn't live too far away from me, and I see her fairly frequently...I can probably keep this surgery from her until after it's over, but I just don't know how to deal with it all when I'm recovering at home and obviously having some pain. Or worse, what if I have complications and end up back in surgery or something? I know mom is going to be really upset that I kept this from her...in fact, there is no way that I can think of to avoid hearing how stupid and ignorant she thinks I am...either before or after the surgery it's going to come flying at me.

You should have seen how she acted when she found out I used to take Paxil for social anxiety. It was pretty hard on me, as she has always been. I guess she believes she is right and she is doing me a favor, but that doesn't help me.

In fact, I'm not even sure what I want anyone on here to say. Offer me some advice on how to cope with how badly it will hurt being told-once again-how dumb I am and how what I've done is horrible?

Let's just say I'm not looking forward to the exchange. I guess I could lie to her and lead her to believe I have simply found some magic diet that makes weight fall off like crazy. As long as there are no complications, I could probably get away with it...but I could get caught in that lie and I don't like lying.

Any ideas??

Thanks,

Cara

[DianaE 128]

Well, very doubtful you will be able to change your mom at this point so you are going to have to change how you let her affect you. You have to believe in yourself and not let others affect how you feel. I know dealing with Mom's and family can be especially hard but it isnt right for people to say things that are hurtful. I believe you need to set some boundaries.. Perhaps you can say, ok you can say everything you want to about this one time, But after that, i just need you to be here for me and support me. No more negatives. If you can not do this, then you have to let what is said go in one ear and out the other. Focus on your happiness. .

[notime 340]

Welcome. I understand your reluctance to tell your mom. I was 62!!!! when I had my surgery and didn't tell my mother until it was over! I suggest you do tell her after the surgery and when she starts in on you just tell her to move on because it is too late. She does sound impossible. Fortunately, my mother was very supportive when I finally told her. I hope yours will be, too.

[Shawn Morrison 71]

It more sounds like you need to reevaluate your relationship with you Mom. My folks used to be very similar. I finally couldn't take it any more so just stopped talking to them for over a year. After that we reconciled and have had a wonderful adult relationship based on mutual respect between equals instead of them being smarter or more experienced.

Something to think about any way.

[JeniM73 56]

I'm still waiting to hear something about insurance issues at this point, and how we will proceed with the process. Most days I feel very strongly that I want this done, but other days I am scared. I gather that's normal, so I just roll with it and think of all the times I've lost weight only to gain it back, and how miserable I am. I think a lot about how it will be not to have to live this way anymore.

My husband is good with this, my kids are supportive, but the one person I am not even going to bother telling is my mother. My mom is opinionated and headstrong, and has almost never supported anything I wanted to do in my life. She also fancies herself an expert on human health, based on her extensive study on websites, investigation into natural healing items on websites that were SELLING the natural healing items, and her own personal experience. Since I became a nurse, I have learned to steer clear of health topics with her because she will resoundly trounce me about them. And she's not nice about it, either. She lets me know in no vague way that she thinks I'm stupid, that the information I'm touting is stupid and wrong, and that all of my training is based on what Big Pharma wants the world to know. She's very big into conspiracy theories, too...so really almost any topic with mom is a real teeth-grinder to get through.

For several months, my mother has been trying to get me to take various supplements and drinks because that's the only way I'll be thin. Of course, some of the origins of some of these items are highly suspicious, and I put her off on many of them. Things like Vit D3, well, that has sound studies backing taking that, but otherwise I am not going to just take things because "mom says to." I'm 43 and can make up my own mind. That doesn't mean there aren't consequences.

If I were to mention anything about having VSG my mother would flip! I mean, the resulting tirade of how stupid I was, how selfish I was to spend money that I should be using for something else and am instead spending it on mutilating myself...wow, it would just be a miserable experience. My mother doesn't live too far away from me, and I see her fairly frequently...I can probably keep this surgery from her until after it's over, but I just don't know how to deal with it all when I'm recovering at home and obviously having some pain. Or worse, what if I have complications and end up back in surgery or something? I know mom is going to be really upset that I kept this from her...in fact, there is no way that I can think of to avoid hearing how stupid and ignorant she thinks I am...either before or after the surgery it's going to come flying at me.

You should have seen how she acted when she found out I used to take Paxil for social anxiety. It was pretty hard on me, as she has always been. I guess she believes she is right and she is doing me a favor, but that doesn't help me.

In fact, I'm not even sure what I want anyone on here to say. Offer me some advice on how to cope with how badly it will hurt being told-once again-how dumb I am and how what I've done is horrible?

Let's just say I'm not looking forward to the exchange. I guess I could lie to her and lead her to believe I have simply found some magic diet that makes weight fall off like crazy. As long as there are no complications, I could probably get away with it...but I could get caught in that lie and I don't like lying.

Any ideas??

Thanks,

Cara

OMG! I think we might just be sisters!

I am nearly 40 years old, married with 4 kids. My mother also disagrees (that's putting it verrrrry mildly) with my decision to have surgery. While I've told my mom I want VSG, I won't be telling her when (16 days) or where (Mexico). First, she'd get some lashes in with that sharp tongue she has about the surgery, but if she knew where I was going for it, she might disown me...hmmmm, not a bad thought!

My mother constantly tells me about how my cousin and her mother had gastric bypass years ago and all of the issues my cousin has had since. My mother is a very negative person, she sees her glass as half full. She tells me that she's so worried about how things will be for me after the surgery and what if this or that happens. What if nothing happens? What if, after the surgery, I take proper care of myself and loose weight and find peace? What if I don't have surgery? Should I just stay miserable because I can't drop the weight? My husband recently lost 30 lbs after he was diagnosed as diabetic. It was like the weight just melted off of him. She asks me why I can't just do what he's doing. Uhhhhhmmmm, I probably eat healthier than he does but because I have ZERO metabolism I can work out like a maniac and lose maybe 4 lbs in 2 months.

Ugh! I understand your frustration with this issue. Trust me, you're not alone. I wish I could give you advice, but as a daughter of a mother like yours, I know what you're going thru!

[PdxMan 4,292]

I told my mother a few days before surgery. "Just thought I would let you know, I am having a bariatric surgery this Friday. Not looking for any dialog on this, but I know you would be upset if I told you about it after."

She had no choice but to accept it. If she were more extreme, as it may appear to be in your case, I probably would have waited and told her the first time I saw her, which would have been 3 months later with significant loss. She would have had no option but to see the results and be happy for me.

Sounds like you are in a no win situation. Get yelled at for having the surgery or get yelled at for not telling her about the surgery. Any way you look at it, you're going to get yelled at, so, I would prefer post-surgery b!tch session.

[Healthygal 50]

Sounds like a lot of people have moms that are less than supportive. I can understand being scared for your child, but that's not what I'd be dealing with. I'm sure that's part of it, in there somewhere. With mom, she just has to be right at all times and knows everything at all times. So there's a whole other motivation going on there.

I think I will wait until after it's done. As a matter of fact, I think I'll just wait as long as I possibly can. When she starts noticing my weight is falling off, I will mention to her at some point (via email) that I had bariatric surgery. She can tell me what a dope I am, but I will tell her that I made my decision and it has worked well for me, and look, ta da...see what I mean? Now I have a tool to help me control things.

Or maybe I'll just never tell her. This is MY life, after all. Since I know she'll have a bit fit no matter how I handle it, why bother? I don't require her approval. I love mom...but she makes it a really hard job. Ya know?

[futureskinnygirl 5]

My father is the difficult one in my family and I was very concerned about talking to him about it. He is very judgmental and opinionated. As much as I know he loves me more than life itself and just wants me to be happy, his way of expressing himself is usually aggressive, antagonistic, leaves no room for discussion, and can be very hurtful. I couldn't have the surgery without telling my parents and my brother, though. I knew it would be difficult so I prepared myself for the worst. There was strong resistance initially, but after I contained my desire to yell and argue and I was able to express my feelings about why I wanted to have the surgery and why I think it is the right choice for me, my family surprised me beyond belief and no one more than my father. You may want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I am not saying it will be easy. For me it took the entire 6 months pre-op while getting insurance clearance to get through, but we never argued because I did not let myself get roped into arguments.

A few weeks ago I scheduled an appointment with my surgeon for my parents to join me at so they could ask all their questions in the hopes that it would bring them peace of mind. I went in prepared for my father to be a jerk to the surgeon. I even told the surgeon in advance that my father is against the surgery, but has accepted my decision and is being supportive, though he has a lot of questions and may get a little obnoxious. You can imagine my shock when, instead of antagonizing the surgeon and challenging him, my father's eye's welled with tears as he told my doctor that he is just so afraid to lose me and then proceeded to have a very rational and fair discussion about his concerns.

My surgery is scheduled for Monday and my whole family is behind me and I am so grateful for that. At the end of the day, I was going to make my decision for myself one way or the other, but it means so much to have my family's support. My situation is a little different, though, because I am single and have no children so my parents and brother are still my main support system. I hope you can talk to your mother and can get her support in the end. Like me, you may be surprised to find that her positively awful way of expressing her feelings may just be the only way she can deal with being absolutely terrified of losing you and hurting so much seeing you unhappy with your body.

I don't know if it will work for you, but over the last 6 months I have learned that so much of the pain I have dealt with as a result of my father's way of expressing himself has to do with how I react to the things he says. Now, I listen to what he says and I process it completely differently than I did before. I take the words he uses and convert them into what I know he means. This way my response is always to what he means and not to the way he says it so we just don't argue anymore. It has done wonders for our relationship and for my own self esteem.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best. This is you taking control of the problem and helping yourself so don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. Good luck!!