A thread for Single Bandsters

[wootsie73 0]

I am so glad someone started this thread! I just found it tonight, but I think it's great.

My name is Joan and I'm 50. It's interesting to read the posts of the much younger women here. I was slim when I was in my 20's, but I was seriously hurt in a few relationships along the way. So, as I porked out day after day and poured on more and more weight, I said I wanted to find someone who liked me for me instead of what I looked like on the outside. Well, I'm still single and not really dating at this point in my life. Of course, I have very low self-esteem like most of you other girls do. That has worked very much to my detriment, but I also think this weight has been my parka for many years. I believe I gained tons of weight to protect myself from getting hurt again! That's the bottom line with me. I always said I wanted to find someone, but deep down, I didn't really want that. If I got into a relationship again, then I had to put myself out there and take the huge risk of being hurt again, and I didn't think I could handle that. So.......now I've decided I want my life back.

When I was younger, I didn't get involved with men because I had a small child. I wasn't just afraid of her being hurt if the relationship ended, but I was very concerned about her being molested by a man I was dating or married to; another excuse. Well, my daughter is 33 now, so I sure can't use that as an excuse anymore. I've learned a lot from her in the past few years though. She was married and got divorced, but she just rebounded and started going out again within a few weeks or so. She is in a relationship now, but if it ended, she would start dating someone else in a very short time.

I have also met someone, a friend without physical contact at this point. We've been talking on the phone numerous time per day since the first part of August. He was going through a divorce and needed a friend, so his sister introduced us. His divorce is final, but I get very mixed messages from him. Sometimes I think he really cares for me, but other times I know I'm just his friend. I don't know why, but I still believe my weight has a lot to do with our not really dating. I don't know if that's my parka coming back on, or if it's really true. But, he has told me he thinks me having the surgery is horse hockey. I think he is starting to come around though, very slowly. In either case, he has helped my self-esteem more than I thought was possible. He takes me out to dinner and spends hours at a time with me on the phone. So, I have taken a huge step and written a letter to the love of my life who I lost to another woman, because I thought I was in love with someone else until it was too late. As my daughter says, that's a huge step for me. I know he is divorced from her, so no I'm not after a married man. I'm ready and willing to put myself out there again and take the chance of being hurt again. So she's right, it is a huge step for me.

My decision to have the surgery has nothing to do with men though. I've had some very serious health issues in the past few years and am doing it so I can get healthy again. I'm tired of being sick all the time, so....hence the surgery. I'm not banded yet, but I have my first consultation set for January 4, 2007 and I'm so excited I can barely contain myself most days. I spend a huge amount of time on here and other websites learning as much as I can about the lap-band. I'm an RN, so I know I'm very particular who does my surgery and what I need to expect from it pre and post op.

So, that's my story. I can't wait for this thread to continue so we can all share our experiences as we lose the weight. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to get some things off of my chest and let you guys get to know the real me; something I struggle with on a daily basis.

Joan

[apinksoprano 0]

Hey Joan, thanks for posting I am sure it helped to let some of that out but I have to say that you are very brave.....I dont think it matters whether you are younger or older we all have our issues but I do believe there is light at the end of the tunnel for all of us....This surgery might not fix all of our physchological issues but it sure will help to give us the confidence we need to fix them...I just feel like life isnt worth living alone so I say take a chance and tell your "friend" how you feel...No man would spend that much time put into a woman if he didnt truly care for her...I wish you the best of luck ans if it isnt him then there is another man out there that will treat you good and wont hurt you.....I , myself, cannot wait to start dating again...I stopped all together and am very lonely...I didnt stop because men didnt like me because actually I met plenty of men but I stopped because I knew I would just destroy a relationship before it even started due to my lack of self esteem and just the unhapiness I felt with myself every single day....I have my surgery today and I am ready for my new life...I hope that you continue with your journey and maybe take some tips from your daughter, hahaha, good for her....GOod luck to you and there is a dream man for every woman out there....

[Terrilen 0]

I am just starting to date again after being out of the scene for almost 9 years now! I have been chatting with a very nice guy I met on E Harmony. Neither of us has seen pictures like I said we have just been talking for a few weeks now. I beleive in being upfront about my weight because I have found that 90 percent of these guys will bolt as soon as they know about it. It is the other 10 percent I am interested in. Funny I got kind of scared with this guy and told him I only weighed 160 at first....then the guilt hit me and I came clean and revealed it was more like 220! I even told him about my band! He did not bat an eye....how cool is that? Has my self esteem gotten so low that I did not think someone could just be attracted to me for my personality? I guess I am so used to men running away from my weight that when someone is not afraid of it I almost don't know how to act! We have not set a date to meet yet, but I sure feel better about it now.

[MissyC 0]

Joan and Terri,

Good luck with these new relationships. Be sure to keep up posted on how things are going.

Pink, I know exactly how you feel, in my relationship graveyard, I have ruined a couple of relationships because of my low self esteem, lack of self worth.

I am trying hard, but can't seem to get past the ugly me.

I have no trouble believing that God and my family love me. I just can't believe that anyone else could. Its a very real problem.

I wonder sometimes if I project a huge, "go away" sign on my forhead, because I have not even been asked out in several years, and know that other heavy women have active dating lives.

me.....a work in progress.....

[wootsie73 0]

Thanks for the encouragement apinksoprano! I needed to hear that from someone. Actually, I'm hoping I hear from Steve, the love of my life soon. He has moved from Amarillo to this area, so I thought I would take a shot and see if he was interested or not. I did tell the other guy how I feel, only in a letter. He hasn't even gotten it yet, so I don't know how he will react.....If it's negative, so be it. I know there is someone out there for me! I have had no life at all except for work and family for sooooo many years. I just haven't done anything to meet men, so I didn't meet any. I have a thing about dating people I work with. I DON'T! Too much can go wrong in that type of situation. You still have to work with them if you break up.

Good luck with your surgery today! Let us know how it goes.

Joan

[wootsie73 0]

Whoo-Hoo Giggles! Way to go girl. I hope you have a great time on the date. You so deserve it. Let us know how it goes.

Joan

[GiGGlesTX 0]

Whoo-Hoo Giggles! Way to go girl. I hope you have a great time on the date. You so deserve it. Let us know how it goes.

Joan

The last date was great! He took me out to a little Italian restaurant. I was nervous as all get out and barely was able to touch my food. I was literally sick to my stomach in a good kind of way. He was a perfect gentleman, shivlary isn't dead :clap2: . Then, I invited him back to my apartment to watch a movie. I gave him a choice of three: Thank You For Not Smoking, Wanda Sykes comedy, and The Notebook. And guess what that smooth man choose...the notebook of course. We had some quality snuggling time on the couch....oh I miss that and I was just soaking up his sexxyyy cologne. I really enjoyed watching the hot scenes in the movie with him......ahhhhhhh.

Then it was time for :kiss2: time. Somehow, like an idiot I got up after the movie was over and ended up on the otherside of the couch. Like this moment wouldn't already be nerve racking enough. He started to give me the "stare" you know like lost in your eyes kind of looks. I immidiately broke the stare :embarassed:. Then, I look back over at him and he proceeds to look at me longingly....I loved it!! Like a real dating pro I nudged him and said your making me nervous. He replied "your making me nervous too." So, basically I ruined the hot moment we were having. However, we had a really gooooodddd hug and a peck on the lips. This date was by the book!

By the way...I'm signing up for flirting 101, dating 101, and intimate moments for dummies next week :help:

I had knee surgery last Thursday. We have been keeping in touch by phone the last week or so. I get the band on December 11th and let me tell you what...the doctor ordered me to get some lip before I went under...hahaha :eek:

I'm wearing mistletoe around my neck for our next date...way to accessorize.

[NewBeginnings2018 81]

Oh giggles that is HYSTERICAL!! I would do the same thing. I get sooo nervous. Glad the date went well, and it sounds like there will be another one! Wahoo!

[wootsie73 0]

I just wanted to update you guys on one of my love interests. The guy I told you about, Steve, has moved back to Amarillo! So, I got the letter I wrote him returned to me yesterday. I think that's good news since I thought he just wasn't interested. I live in Amarillo part of the time already, so I will see what I can come up with when I get back there in a few weeks! BTW, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. My daughter got cancelled at work, so we got to have our Thanksgiving today after all.

Joan

[apinksoprano 0]

Hi eveyrone.....Hello Joan I am so glad you got to have your turkey day with your daughter...And thanks for the PM, it really gets me through knowing people are there for me....Well as everyone knows I was banded on Monday 11/20 been having terrible gas pains and havent slept but this morning I feel a little better and guess what down 10lbs total so far....Watch out dating world here I come, hahahaha...Thanks for all your support guys you are all fabulous...

[ladydi 0]

Apinksoprano, welcome to bandland! Make sure you do a lot of walking and you can use a heating pad and that might help the gas. Don't get upset if some of the 10 lbs come back. That is normal. I know you have read it before about the first month or so just for healing not for weight loss. It is so true! Just relax and enjoy, for after you heal and get your first fill, you will then start your journey!

I have been single for 26 yrs. Boy, that is a long time. I have been around 300 lbs for about 24 yrs of that. I was about 150 in high school, not bad for my height, 5'7" and after my babies, gained another 50 lbs. got up to 250 and loss 50 when my husband said he wanted a divorce after 10 yrs of a very happy marriage. (so I thought) Then through my depression, gained 50 lbs back. the weight just started to add up until I reached 300 lbs. I dated right after my divorce when I was only 200 lbs but nothing lasted for I was so unhappy with myself. If you do not like yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to like you.

My emotions has gone up and down in all these years but I finally decided to do something for myself and I got the band. I am working on liking myself and I pray that once the weight comes off I will have more confidance in myself that I will attract men to me. I look forward to sharing time with someone and being held again. I think the lack of cuddling is what I miss the most. After all this time I don't know if I'm not too set in my ways to share a life as man and wife again, but I definitely would love to go out with someone and share with him that part of me. Someone to laugh with, cry with, and someone to hold and be held.

Gee, not only does the band give you the tool to have a healthy life, but to have a life of love of oneself and life again. This is a great blessisng!!!!! Ladydi

[NewBeginnings2018 81]

ladydi - I totally understand how you feel. Sometimes the weight just creeps up on you and all of a sudden you wake up and wonder how the heck you got to this point?! You are doing great with the band, which is such an inspiration!

[NewBeginnings2018 81]

I have had the most bizzare couple of days men-wise. I thought this was the perfect place to share. lol

So last January I joined Match for a few months and had met some guys. The first guy I went out with had his mother die shortly after our first date. It was unexpected and horrible! We've kept in touch over email and have met up a couple times more, but all just as friends. I haven't seen him in maybe 4 months.

So Wed night I was on AIM, and ran into this guy. We chatted for a bit, ended up talking about Christmas and how I always wait until the last minute to wrap. He said I could come over and he'd wrap for me, then made a joke about me wearing a Mrs. Claus outfit. lol. Well within a matter of minutes the conversation completely turned and out of nowhere he just kind of throws out that if I'd like to come over and get some action, he'd be game. I was so caught off guard that I asked him if he was joking. And he wasn't. lol What's so weird is that he and I have never even kissed. I was just so shocked I didn't know what to say. lol. He just did not seem like that kind of guy. I think he felt bad after and kept apologizing. I told him it was ok, but that it was not really my style. It was just so bizzare!

So the next night I was back on AIM, and ran into another guy that I dated for little bit over the summer. This guy called me every day, and pursued me hardcore. A little over a month into it he started acting weird and a bit shady, and we decided to stop seeing each other but remain friends. We'll chat every once in a while, but that's about it. So Thursday night we're chatting and he basically professes his undying love for me. How he thinks about me every day, regrets that we stopped seeing each other, and that he was scared and ran away. He'd like to take me out on a date again, etc, etc. I still think he's shady and just a smooth talker, so I politely told him no. Again, just so random and bizzare.

My friends always joke with me that I am a "weird-magnet", and it's so true! lol. They don't seem weird at first, but give them a little time and weirdness always comes out. lol.

Anyway, I thought these stories were funny and that you guys might enjoy. Hope everyone is doing well!

[MissyC 0]

I too know how you feel. I don't know why sometimes I am surprised to hear that there are other ppl out there who share the same feelings, struggles and feelings of "being the only one in this boat".

I have found myself encouraged just reading about the accomplishments of fellow bandsters.

Good luck to everyone in the coming holiday season.

[cathgr8 1]

I've been widowed for 14 years, used food to medicate the grief, and my weight to avoid relationships while I raised my kids. Well, I finally had a date yesterday - with my very first boyfriend, whom I haven't seen or heard from in 36 years. He found me on the internet, lives 300 miles away. I can't express how wonderful it was - he remembered everything about me, and told me what a huge impact I had on the man he has become. Wow. But I'm a bit afraid, he has been fighting prostate cancer, and has been divorced for only a short time, and I still have no confidence about my appearance. I'm doing my best though. He's coming back in 2 weeks and we're seeing each other again...