Certain Uncertainty

[devichan 79]

I am certain I need this surgery. I am certain that I am going to get this surgery. I am certain I will be healthier in critical ways after this surgery. But I am not at all certain that I will be happier after this surgery.

My name is Dee, but if you call me Devichan I'll answer. I've used it as a nickname for years. I'm 41 years old, a mother of two (ages 16 and 7), poly, married, pagan, geeky, techie woman. I love my smile, my eyes, and my curves. I love to knit, play roleplaying games, watch football, and geek about Doctor Who (sometimes all at the same time!) I'm owned by three cats (Echo, a tuxedo female, and tortoiseshell littermates River and Kaylee), all of whom are adopted from rescues. We're looking into getting a dog. I live in the Twin Cities of Minnesota and I love it here. I've also lived in Ohio, North Carolina, Indiana, Michigan, and California. My family's idea of a vacation is a yearly trip to Dragon*Con in Atlanta. My daughters are the lights of my life... one snarky, gothy, creative, musical, and self-described (accurately) as "a teenager with a lick of sense" and the other bouncy, happy, colorful, who is a fan of both My Little Pony and the Avengers and who thinks nothing of running around the house in a pink tutu and crown wearing a batman mask, Wonder Woman arm bracers, and carrying a sword and shield.

I can't remember when people weren't talking about me in terms of my weight. food restrictions at age 6. "You have such a pretty face!" at seven. "I swore I'd never buy you plus sizes, but you've forced me to!" at eight. Weight Watchers at nine. If I could go back to 14-year old me, wearing a size 14, I would tell her everyone was wrong. Looking at pictures of the time, I was softly, roundly, genuinely pretty.

College came and with it an extra hundred pounds - body by Mountain Dew. (In the early 90s no one was talking to teenagers about how bad soft drinks were; saccharine was still the Devil In powder Form.) I had a two three-liter of Mountain Dew PER DAY habit at one point because of serious caffeine addiction. I broke it at age 23, but the damage was done. I stayed at 240 through most of the next decade, including after the birth of my first child.

Then I hurt first one knee, and then the other after the birth of my second child. Another 40 pounds arrived because I dieted and exercise hurt. Arthritis set in, I dieted some more as I was told, and with that even more pounds. Now, at 41, I weigh between 295-305 depending on stress levels. I am twice the size I was when everyone told me I was too fat to ever fall in love, get married, and have children.

I am OK with my fat. It's a part of me. I don't use it as a shield between me and the world, because I don't hide from the world. I am an extrovert and make friends easily. I haven't been without a partner since the age of 17, and between 15 and 17 I had a boyfriend or girlfriend for all but three months. I don't have diabetes, don't have heart trouble, don't have thyroid issues, don't have respiratory issues.

And yet.

My knees ache, especially in the winter. My mobility is increasingly compromised. I love to do yoga, but the pain in my knees is preventative. I don't THINK I have sleep apnea, but on 6-FEB-2013 I will be finding out the results of a sleep study.

I hurt. And I'm tired of hurting. I will soon need a cane to take the bus and light rail. Stairs are a problem - for the pain, not the breathlessness. I've been told I'm 15 years away from eligibility for a knee replacement. This is the only option doctors want to discuss. I don't dare diet again. I can't afford another 20 pounds.

On the 18th, I have my first consult. I do not want to look like a melting ice cream cone, and after decades of fat I almost certainly will. I will miss my curves.

And yet. I am certain of one thing: I hurt, and this is the only option I am being offered that will help.

[lilbearzmom 584]

Loved reading your post. Welcome to the forum. Welcome to the possibility of a pain-free and more active future.

-Kendra

[Strangefruit 179]

Welcome, Dee! I loved reading your post... I am post surgery - Oct 22, and it has been hard - ups and downs...but overall, I am glad I did it.

I *did* have some co-morbidities - HBP, sleep apnea, and like you, have two kids that I want to live long enough to enjoy my life...

I hope that if you decide to do this, it works for you. It *does* work... but it is also very hard. If I had it to do all over again - I wouldn't do it... BUT I am glad I did it. Does that make sense? Like, I could not repeat the whole surgery thing and recovery, but now that I am on the other side of it, I am glad with it.

If you do this, prepare yourself for your relationship with food to change. By this I mean there are times when I actually MOURN my relationship with food. People say, "But you are losing weight!" Yes, but understand that your entire relationship with food will change...and if you are someone just a little like me - where food was a BIG part of your life, you will miss some things. But it is worth it to be healthy... but it is hard.

I'm gonna stop - I don't want to scare you... it is a wonderful thing to do... but also, very hard.

[Threetimesacharm 1,400]

Thank you for sharing your life's journey. Please know that this will be one of the best decisions, getting the VSG surgery that you will make. I had many of your ailments and I now feel like a new woman, a thin woman, a woman who is active and very mobile. I love every minute of it and wouldn't change my decision for a second. Good Luck in your journey and keep us posted on your progress.

[carstanger 346]

I have had knee replacement and joint replacement in both big toes, and had all the comorbities except diabetes. I was on Celebrex once a day. I'm off many of my meds, have lost 38 pounds and have to tell you it is hard but worth it! I'm almost 3 months out, and still have a ways to go!!! Still hurts but I'm doing more than I was, and proud of where I am at and going on this journey. Good luck with yours.

[kiki1196 101]

I'm new to this as well. I'm waiting on my surgery date. I, too am certain I NEED to do this. It's scary as hell but I need to be around for my husband and children. But not to just be alive but to FEEL alive. To be more active with them instead of in pain just walking to the park. My husband needs the peace of mind knowing I'm healthier. He's a detective and went to a dead body for an obese woman not much older than me (43) with a cpap machine like mine and similar medications as me. It scared him. I don't want him to feel that way. I have to go through the difficult times ahead to ease everyone's fears for me.

I look forward to going on this journey with you.

[devichan 79]

Thank you to everyone who responded and wished me luck! It helps.

Kendra: Thank you for your warmth! Yes... it is about possibilities. I'm just having a hard time dealing with probabilities and definites.

Strangefruit: You're not going to scare me. I'm already scared! I think I'm more sad, though, that I've reached the point where this is and pain are the only options.

Amazon13: Thank you for your empathy. I am so glad you're doing well, and I hope in a year and a half I feel the way you do!

Carols5417: I'm not on Celebrex because my doctor seems to have the attitude I deserve this. I've asked for stronger meds and been refused because I'm not 50 or something. **sigh** Thank you for sharing that it can and does get better.

kiki1196: Thank you for sharing your husband with those he serves and protects! Let me know when you get your date. Maybe we can buddy up!

[devichan 79]

First appointment was this morning. I'm reassured by the bariatric nurse understanding that some fat people love their bodies, and her compassion for my knee issues. I have my binder and am already beginning to work on my insurance requirements.

I've been having nightmares about this, but still. What's best for me, right?

[jacee 183]

I'm new to this as well. I'm waiting on my surgery date. I, too am certain I NEED to do this. It's scary as hell but I need to be around for my husband and children. But not to just be alive but to FEEL alive. To be more active with them instead of in pain just walking to the park. My husband needs the peace of mind knowing I'm healthier. He's a detective and went to a dead body for an obese woman not much older than me (43) with a cpap machine like mine and similar medications as me. It scared him. I don't want him to feel that way. I have to go through the difficult times ahead to ease everyone's fears for me.

I look forward to going on this journey with you.

KIKi my surgery is on the 27th of Feb Im scared too. Lets keep in touch with each others progress

[kiki1196 101]

KIKi my surgery is on the 27th of Feb Im scared too. Lets keep in touch with each others progress

Hi jacee! My surgery is the 26th. I'm still a little afraid but mostly excited to do things with my family again. Let me know how your journey goes.

[usmcmorninngstar@yahoo.com 10]

Hi there. I just had my surgery on 02/11 and so im about 8 days post op. I can tell you that it was very easy, hurts like a normal operation would which is completely manageable with the meds they give you. You will fly through it. I hope that helps to hear that it's not scary. I was scared too but looking back if I had known I would have laughed for being scared. As for your curves, replace them with new memories with your family. You can still have curves, just smaller ones. Embrace that because it will take away your physical pain and give you longer to spend with your family. As a mother of two myself, I know that will make the loss of your curves less hurtful. Think of the fact that when you become a grandma you will have a healthy body to run around and chase new babies with. That is the long term goal I have set for myself. Can't wait to hear how you do, and no more fear, you will recoup so fast you are going to surprise yourself.

[devichan 79]

Today was the first visit with the nutritionist. Once again, the office staff was kind and full of warmth. I've maintained since my first visit, but I wasn't trying to get weight off yet.

For the insurance supervised diet hoop, I am to go on a 1500 kCal/day regimen. She was very specific about what each serving meant. I know I can drop weight on this plan; I've done it so often before. At least with the weather (nominally, this is Minnesota!) improving walking will be more of a possibility.

Next week, I go to my PCP to document what I'm doing. Whee, insurance hoops.

So here I am, eating my lunch with chopsticks. I've cut it into tiny bites. Practicing. Refining.

Journeying.

[kenai1 8]

I am in the twin cities too - well Stillwater actually.

I had my surgery on 12/21/12 and it was the best thing I've done. I've lost 45 pounds so far. Are you going to Park Nicollet? It'san excellent hospital and staff. Didn't have any issues with the procedure at all, no pain, no gas pains.

Enjoy the journey and embrace it.

[devichan 79]

Thanks, Kenai, sorry I missed your reply! I'm going to Unity. I really like the doctors there. Plus the practice is really close to work.

Today was my first psychiatrist appointment. I wasn't worried about this until we met, but now I'm a bit concerned. What if he decides I'm not ready because I like myself as I am? Surely I can't be the first size-positive person having surgery for health reasons?

Nerves and more nerves.

[RebecaSparkles 247]

Welcome Dee!!! I think you're me in 20 years if I didn't do this. ( in a not mean way) we have a lot of similar interests- brony, dorky former goth here!!!! Used to have pink hair. Still on my passport pic! I get a second look everytime I travel!