Question from a banded woman's husband...

[azgunslinger 0]

Hi -

I wrote a LOOOONG letter to you all telling the story of my wife and my struggle with weight and relationships and the log in timed out on me. Probably good news for you. So here it is in a nutshell...please don't think I am cold, though this will seem a lot colder than I mean it.

My wife has a band. Here are the stats:

Weight when married (8 yrs ago): 135lbs.

Weight when conceived first child (7yrs): 140

Weight when deliverying first child: 225

Weight when conceiving child 2 (3 yrs ago): 170

Weight when delivering child 2: 225

Weight when applied for lap band: 190

Weight when accepted for lap band: 265 (a new record, she just hit before getting approval for the surgery)

Time spent recovering: 6 weeks

Weight today after 1 year of lap band surgery: 230

Number of fills: 2 (within 6 weeks of surgery, hasn't been back)

Number of support visits attended: 0

Number of times exercised since surgery: 1

Number of times in counseling (recommended by dr) since surgery: 0

My wife is perpetually angry at me, and no one can talk about weight. She eats cake, icecream, Cookies, yogurt, anything she pleases. I don't think the band is working that much, though every once in a while she is taken by surprise and she throws up after eating too much I presume.

I do love her, but I think I need some help for her. I told her about this site, and how supportive everyone is. She hasn't looked into it. No support group, hasn't told many friends.

I make a very comfortable living. She has never had to work in our marriage. She watches soaps, doesn't have a degree, or work out, or pursue any hobby. She says, "You should just love me no matter what I decide to do. I need an unconditional husband". She says that's why she eats...to fill the void in her life I am causing.

Her mom says my wife is so headstrong that she can't be reasoned with. I own my own business and stick my neck on the line every day. I travel all over the world and am becoming a well known businessman in my space. When I come home, I get beat up and accused of not loving my children or my wife. Then my wife sobs for hours.

I am totally lost. I thought maybe people on this board would have some suggestions on how I might coax my wife to come into the light...to read some of your stories and be motivated. Maybe to tell her story and lean on your experiences for support. Maybe to get her to a place where she's happier and able to address what's really on her mind.

So, there you have it. In a nutshell. Does anyone have any advice?

[janiee 0]

You don't sound mean but you both don't sound very happy.

How about going to marriage counseling with her. It might help with communication better and help to better your relationship.

Good luck to you and your wife. You sound like you really care alot for her otherwise you would'nt have written your post.

[azgunslinger 0]

Thanks for fast reply. We tried marriage counseling for a while. The counselor told me that after the surgery and she couldn't use food as a crutch, there would be a big breakthrough and we'd get to the source of the depression (she's depressed and taking Zoloft...also supposed to be seeing a counselor for that).

Has anyone experienced that breakthrough effect emotionally? You all sound so positive and optimistic - why? I have to believe a big part of being heavy is attributable to depression. How did you get up the nerve to say - no more, this is not for me!

My wife hasn't gone back to any counselor since that meeting where the doc indicated the eating and depression were related. Prevent the self medicating eating and you'll be forced to deal with the cause of the depression. My wife says "I've dealt with all that I need to deal with, I don't need the counselor any more". I continued to go alone just to get another viewpoint on what I could do to improve the situation, but the counselor said it wouldn't be that beneficial without both of us being there. She expressed concern that my wife wasn't seeing anyone.

[Jachut 487]

I think a lot of people here sound positive and happy because when they had the surgery they were ready to make the change. And when you're ready, even when you hit bumps in the road you can keep on going. You also view success in many ways, it doesnt all hinge on a number on the scale.

If you wife had the surgery before she was really ready to face the changes she needs to make to conquer the weight problem, then she's going to find it hard. The band working well depends on it being properly filled but personally, I've found it all about having to do the same things I always would have had to do to lose weight, the band helps me more in my weak moments when I want to overeat but cant.

She needs to attend her follow up visits and have a reasonable fill schedule but that's all for nought if she's not mentally in the right place to do this. I live in another country and dont know how your medical system really works but I'd be looking for a referral to a counsellor of some kind.

That's the beauty of the band though, its there waiting when she finds the strength and courage to work with it.

YOu dont sound cold or mean at all, you sound concerned and unhappy. My DH and I have a great relationship but he's extremely prone to anxiety and depression and I find it really really hard living with that, I want to help but he cannot see his destructive thought processes at times.

At one point I was very concerned that he would ruin his very successful career with his anxiety and paranoia. He had no diagnosis at this stage but I felt what he was experiencing was panic attacks. I sat down and typed him a long letter about how I felt about his behavior, and what I thought it was all about, found some internet info and emailed it to him at work. He rang me a few hours later and thanked me from the bottom of his heart. He agreed he wouldnt have listened had I tried to talk to him and he had had to take a few hours to digest what I'd written but it really really helped him.

[azgunslinger 0]

Thank you for your post. Yes, I am afraid it was a rash decision to have the surgery. I have tried to share information with her, and its a struggle. You make a lot of sense. I can see how you would be successful if you viewed the band as just one component in the struggle. That I get. Not following through I don't.

I own my own business, its a services business. I am paid to take responsibility for issues companies don't want to take for themselves. I know how to keep my head and work through a crisis. Its what I do, even when the crisis is not of my making. Its hard for me to see my wife bowled over by the speedbumps in daily life (low fuel warning in the car, traffic, song she doesn't like, our boys roughhousing...things like that). I don't know how to break that cycle or what I can do (if anything) to help her be a little more practical about the situations around her.

[Randi 0]

I make a very comfortable living. She has never had to work in our marriage. She watches soaps, doesn't have a degree, or work out, or pursue any hobby. She says, "You should just love me no matter what I decide to do. I need an unconditional husband". She says that's why she eats...to fill the void in her life I am causing.

Your wife may have low self-esteem. For the past eight years, she's been totally dependent upon you for support -- financial and emotional -- and now has two kids as well. That makes her a stay-at-home Mom who has been out of the workforce for eight years. What would happen should you leave one day and decide not to return . . . You've already made it perfectly clear that her weight is an issue and she's made it clear that she feels your love for her is conditional.

It sounds to me like there may be shattered expectations on both sides. Is it possible that she expected you to be more emotionally and physically available to her on a daily basis and there to help cope with child rearing on a daily, continuing basis?

Her mom says my wife is so headstrong that she can't be reasoned with. I own my own business and stick my neck on the line every day. I travel all over the world and am becoming a well known businessman in my space. When I come home, I get beat up and accused of not loving my children or my wife. Then my wife sobs for hours.

Your business offers you the opportunity to travel the world. Is that a respite that your wife enjoys? Or, is she always the one left behind to care for the home and kids while you get to break away from the routine, mundaness of every day living on a regular basis?

I'm not placing blame, mind you. I'm just trying to empathize and offer up some perspective. Thanks for caring enough about your wife to post.

[Randi 0]

At one point I was very concerned that he would ruin his very successful career with his anxiety and paranoia. He had no diagnosis at this stage but I felt what he was experiencing was panic attacks. I sat down and typed him a long letter about how I felt about his behavior, and what I thought it was all about, found some internet info and emailed it to him at work. He rang me a few hours later and thanked me from the bottom of his heart. He agreed he wouldnt have listened had I tried to talk to him and he had had to take a few hours to digest what I'd written but it really really helped him.

Jachut,

The letter is a great idea! It allows the writer to get all their thoughts and feelings down in writing without the interruptions of an argument. The reader is then left to read and re-read the letter and digest the message.

I have used the letter approach myself and it was VERY effective.

[libertysuzanne 1]

AZGun,

It was heart rending to read your post. I truly feel for you and your wife. She is obviously in a very unhappy place. Unfortunately in the end it is going to have to be her call to solve her problems. There is only so much that can be done for her.

I think the writing of a letter may be a successful tool, even just for you to get your anger and despair of the situation out in the open for you to deal with. She needs to see how it is really affecting you. As you say, you are used to dealing with other peoples crisis's. Which probably, without you even realising it, you are putting on the I am dealing with this situation.

There is no easy answer and I hope that in time all the issues shall be resolved. I hope your wife will talk to the people who are there to support her with the band.

She may of also gone in thinking that the band would just reduce the weight, without any work. I must admit when I first considered the lapband that is what I thought, but after further research, I knew that it was a tool not a miracle. I am so glad that I had waited to have it done, because I am sure I would have been bound to fail. Taking it as an easy way out.

I hope you keep in touch and that in time your wife will start to feel better and back in control of her life instead of the depression.

Kind regards

Suzanne

[purtynailz@aol. 0]

The 1st thing my counselor said was all habits, smoking, eating, & ect. theres a reason, and you have to find out what it is, before you can make it better.

[Lisa99 1]

Hi AZ,

I'm so sorry you and your wife are going through this rough time.

I too have a husband who travels 100%, and even though I have a career, it gets very lonely. We don't have children so I can't even imagine what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom with a husband who travels.

Since it sounds like you're comfortable financially, have you thought about giving your wife some "me" time? Maybe start with giving her a week at a spa (if she's into that kind of thing) so that she can get back in touch with the person beyond the mom and wife. You might want to follow up with having a nanny come in one day a week so your wife can get out of the house.

Being a wife and a mom is a wonderful thing, but it is so important to help her remember that she was the wonderful woman that you fell in love with before she became the wife and mom...help her find that person again.

Good luck in your journey

[the best me 6]

Forget the band for now. It will be there waiting.

Feed her spirit. Fill her up. Find what it is that fills her, motivates her, encourages her, find out HOW to love her up.

If you are taking care of it, why should she have to?

What keeps her from getting on "overwhelmed and shutting down" mode?

I really do see myself a bit in your wife. Being so heavy pre-band was miserable. I was so stuck and discouraged and alone and tired and angry, too. My hubby was trying to fix it. Telling me "don't eat so much, your body doesn't NEED the food, just don't eat it" wasn't fixing it for me. HIS will didn't work for me. I have had to find my own way. And what motivated me to want to try was my anger and dissappointment with myself. All hubby needed to do was keep me loved up and encouraged.

I remember one turning point was him saying "I don't understand this thing you got with food. I realize I don't get it, and I don't pretend to understand it. You do what you gotta do." and suddenly he wasn't taking care of my problem, but he was helping me do what I had to do to take care of it MY way.

Some resources that have helped me:

www.flylady.net because I feel like keeping my routines at home helps me stay sane and less overwhelmed (Im a SAHM too)

And there's a booka bout the 5 languages of love, and I can't rememeber the author. I'll edit this post if I run across it. If you can figure out what your wife's love language is, maybe you can speak to her more effectively, not just in what you say, but what you do.

Good luck. You are on the right path and I hope you will keep us posted. Many of us can relate to your wife.

[kimberly150 1]

Hi AZ,

I commend you for seeking input on this situation. It seems your wife may be pretty fragile emotionally about her weight right now. I think a successful approach for you right now would be to really invest yourself in your wife in the little things and build from there: Ask her out on a date, bring her flowers or one of her favorite things, draw a bath for her, Talk to her and really listen, suprise her, write a love note focusing on the positive and what you appreciate about her. I think letting her know you are there and care, love, and support her when or if she is ready to talk about her weight. Have you read the Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus series? I recommend them - very insightful. I have always been very sensitive about my weight and it is still difficult to talk about. Having lapband surgery less than 2 weeks ago was a decision I had to personally be ready. I wish the best for both of you!

[staceylca 0]

I'm a stay at home mom, with a hubby that is gone 50% of the time. And like your wife I use food to help me out. I get board and eat. We just went to see a MC and he told us to go back to what made us fall in love . be fore we had kids, what did we do. We where very close from getting a divorce. He did some things that most people would have just left. but I am sticking with him. My weight has been a big deal with him. I got the band and its still hard for him to see that I am getting smaller, I guess he wonts me to wake up and have lost all the weight. (I wont that too). We are doing alot better. I think he has done all of the changes, ITs a lot better. I wish you and your wife good luck.

[Kleigh830 0]

You couldn't possibly be conceived as a cold person from your letter. If you were a cold person you wouldn't have written at all.

(6 days 'til surgery

[azgunslinger 0]

Thanks so much for your encouragement and your thoughts. I wish I could say I am the ideal husband and father, but that's obviously not the case. I am not home all the time, but when not traveling, I am working from home. I am very much "action oriented" and I give points for achievements and not as much for effort. Not everyone is wired that way or appreciates that, I get it. I have many faults that lead me to be successful in some areas, but cost me in others. I think i have a pretty good inventory on what i do well and what I don't do well.

I spent the last 6 weeks at home (when I usually travel to 1 or 2 cities per week). And it was eye opening. I saw my wife spend a lot of time on the couch, sleeping during the day, staying up late watching TV, and just "checked out" and not being healthy. When I am not home, I imagine she is using the time when the one son is at school to go to the mall, or go to lunch with friends or do something 'for her'. Alas, that is not the case.

I have offered the respite from taking care of the kids - ie giving her a week off, or accompanying me to Europe on a trip (while her mom watches the kids) or whatever, and she won't take it. I think she thinks that if she takes a break, then its like admitting that you're stressed out - and she won't do that. NO Chinks in the armor! She is Super Mom! That's her story and she's sticking to it.

Incidentally, she says she loves her body the way it is, and isn't bothered by being overweight. She says she loves who she is and does not have a self esteem problem. She says its my problem that I can't appreciate her no matter how she looks. I don't know how this can be, but it would explain why she doesn't engage on the band - if she thinks there's no problem, then there's nothing to do. Either that, or she's really deep in denial. A few times in some emotional conversations she confessed that she's trapped by food. Doesn't feel full, doesn't like how she looks, doesn't want to be this person. When I saw a few times - it has been 3 conversations since we've been married and none since the band. I know she's fragile, but I don't think making efforts at this point to engage are working. We need some professional intervention, but how to break through the barriers to being open to this course???

When I say I didn't want to come across as cold, its because I wrote this long letter trying very hard to give the objective context of where we were in our relationship and our lives. When I reverted to a bulleted list of the 'stats' - I thought it would make me look weight focused, and strictly by the numbers. Having said that, I think there is a strong correlation between weight and emotional stability...would you agree? I know that's a hard concept to agree with, but I think the euphoria you realize knowing you can control your weight and you CAN be the woman (or man) you want to be - whether its weight, professional life, personal relationships, etc. Havign control over your destiny is a transforming idea!

I am 37, but being a business owner and successful has given me such an appreciation for life. I don't know if you read about Mazlow's hierarchy of needs, but I am "self-actualized". I can wake up and if I decide to buy real estate, or hire 5 people, or go get a new customer, I can do all that. OR, I could lay in bed and eat a bag of potato chips. Its all my choice, and I am not in fear of being in control of my options.

I think most of you have experienced that as you learn that you can control your weight, your appearance, your life, your behavior...you realize you have complete control and discipline to get better results...its liberating. Conversely, how do you feel about people who haven't taken the step that you have? Do you feel excited to tell them that there's nothing to be afraid of and you can get control of this problem with food? I'd imagine (and I read on this board) that you are only too excited to share the good news with someone else who is struggling where you used to be. This is beatable!

I need to lose weight too, so this skill is one that i still don't have. But I know where I am on the "scale" so to speak and I know I have plenty of work to do.

I do tend to inspire my employees and that's where I get the most back. I pay significantly more than my competitors and give my employees extra training just because I want them to have every opportunity to develop into whatever direction they want to go. I respect their time and family commitments and make every effort to accomodate their schedules and their priorities in life. I have no retention problems and I try to avoid the limelight when recognition is being handed out. (in my business, truly, its the workers who make a difference, my involvement is brief...so I give them the glory).

I want to similarly inspire my wife. I (perhaps naiively) think I can coax her into trying harder...just so if she set one goal for herself (could be anything, not weight related, anything) and she achieved it - she would become addicted to success, instead of dwelling on the negative spiral she is currently on.

OK, i have been ranting...but I am very grateful for your responses thus far. This is a difficult issue. The band, the weight, the emotions...all of it makes it complex, and I appreciate your insight!

Thanks for the thoughts.