Wife isn't supportive

[NurseGrace 509]

This is pretty complex, but I will throw my two cents in.

All things aside, we have to take care of ourselves, and we have to maintain our individuality, even in marriage. You cannot force her to be on board. She might be scared, have feeling about "the easy way out", have financial concerns, or she might not "get" why someone would want this because you said she does not have a weight problem.

I want to let you know though, something you said set up a red flag for me. You said she is the cook, you make deals but she wont plan. This may or may not be the case but it sounds as though you are shoving off your responsibility for what you eat onto her, and if she doesn't pick up the slack then its not your fault you are not eating right. We all have to be prepared to fend for ourselves. I can tell you that meal planning is NO small task, its work intensive and expecting someone to cook for you daily is asking a lot more than you probably realize.

I would say something to her along the lines of "Look, so far we haven't gotten very far with this conversation so this is what I want you to understand - You opinion DOES matter to me, this surgery is also very important to me, I want to have some kind of understanding here between us so I can decide how I want to move forward"

Something like that - I can't imagine a woman not responding to something worded in a similar fashion to that.

It took a while to get my husband on board with me doing this, even the day of surgery I don't really know if he was ALL in or not, but we came to an understanding and I was prepared to deal with things on my own if I really needed too. Don't try to manipulate her into agreeing that she is happy about it if she isn't.

[ArcusX 216]

Some amature observations:

she always says "whatever you want to do "

She's against the surgery, but doesn't want to come right out and say so. This is the "passive aggressive'" approach.

"you'll live longer", "you won't get diabetes", "you'll be a better role model for the kids", or even "I want you to do it because you'll be happier"

All excellent reasons you've given YOURSELF for moving forward with surgery. She doesn't get this part.. at least not yet.

I blame myself for being fat, but she has played somewhat of a role in it as well, as she is the meal planner, she is the cook, and she consistently will not plan meals. We have made "deals" numerous times, where she has promised that she would plan meals out a week in advance. I can't count how many times the last two years that I've gotten home from work at 5:00 or 5:30 PM, And there has been no food planned. Those nights we usually end up eating out, ordering pizza, or ordering Chinese.

Here's where I have a little more direct experience. My wife doesn't work and I have little control over meal planning - particularly for dinner. I began this most recent diet in October. Here is my approach: I have 100% control over Breakfast and lunch during the work week. I drink an Isopure shake for Breakfast and have a simple sandwich for lunch. If I snack, it's hard-boiled eggs that I prepare at home and bring in to work. I keep the stuff for sandwiches at work, and make them myself. I'd do this at home if I had to, but since I don't, and my only focus in the morning is getting out the door, this is what works for me. dinner is where my control is lost. About half the time, she cooks meals that are not too bad for me, like stir fry vegetables The rest of the time - like just last night where she made frozen pizzas - it's up to me to simply control myself - my portions. My 9-year old ate twice as much pizza than I did last night. Simply put, I've made the decision to eat better (despite being denied for surgery from insurance), and if I fail to do that, I have only myself to blame.

I am very frustrated with her, and this is taking a toll on our relationship. Again, I want and need her to be supportive, but I just don't think that is going to happen.

I think you're 100% right here. My guess is, if she ever becomes supportive, it won't be until post surgery and you're feeling good and she's able to see the results.

My advice: Ever paid attention to the flight attendants safety talk/demonstration when you fly somewhere? When the oxygen mask falls from the ceiling, you are supposed to put your own mask on before assisting your children. This is because if you don't take care of yourself first, you may not be able to help anyone else. To me, this concept is universal. You first fund your own retirement and emergency savings, before funding your children's college. This same concept needs to be considered here for your health; if you do not take care of yourself first, you may not be alive to have that happy marriage. It's just like they say, it's up to you to make your self happy; it's not your wife's job to MAKE you happy - it's up to you. If you are not healthy and happy, it will make your marriage less healthy and happy. Your first duty is to yourself. Make the decision that's best for YOU, and make the rest work.

[Nicolanz 1,484]

I absolutely love your response, Arcus!

[Susie1226 138]

ArcusX. I agree with you bc that's how my husband is being with me. He's very passive aggressive on my surgery. I just called him to tell him my surgery is scheduled for Feb. 20th. And all I got was cool. Meanwhile I'm emotional and scared. I just want support.

[JessicaAnn 564]

I'm a stay at home mom and my husband works a very hard and long work week. We make meal planning fun! I go on Pinterest, or other sites to scope out new recipes. Then we both go grocery shopping on Sunday for everything for the week. Then we spend the next few hours (usually about 6 hours) prepping meals for the week. Then You throw them in a ziplock bag and in the freezer until you need them. Crock pot meals are little to no effort for your wife and can make a meal that's lasts for a few days. For instance, on Monday, throw a whole chicken (seasoned to taste) in the crock pot, then make either chicken Soup or chicken salad or something like that for the day after.

Also, like others said, maybe it's not the extra work that's really bothering her. Maybe she's afraid and doesn't k ow how to show it, or she's afraid once you get thin you'll leave her. Either way, talk it out.

Sorry for typos! I'm currently wrangling a 3 year old and 8 month old lol

[ArcusX 216]

Thanks Nicolaz and Susie. And by the way, that passive aggressive approach is better than out-and-out "No!" and being obstructive to the process.

[SeriouslyChange 319]

My room mate is my... Significant other. It's complicated but we've been together to the point where it's considered a common law marriage lol. Anywho..

When I told him I wanted to have surgery, his response? "That's on you, do what you wanna do" I was undecided and he was the only one who actually said that it didn't matter. I always brought it up and he always told me, "it's not like you're going to do it anyways" and negative things like that. Days before surgery I was freaking out. I was going to stay with my parents for the two weeks of recovery. Day of, He helped me load my bags in the car and I was crying. He got emotional as well and told me, "you'll be fine, just come back to me okay?" And I left.

He still eats mc chickens and fries. Rice crispys are looking at me right now!!! Lol, and his Breakfast this morning: French toast. But, he is also supportive now that he sees the results. He'll throw out his food when he's done because I don't want to look at it.

Give her some time. She should come around once she sees that you are 100% sure that you want to do this. She may be insecure and think that once you get thin you'll leave her. My room mate and I have a rocky relationship and we've talked about this as well.

Do it for you and no one else. Be selfish and put yourself first.