no family support for having surgery..lots of guilt though

[misltoe 0]

I have an appointment for banding on december 14. This is the second appointment that I have made. The first was in June of this year...but I cancelled it. My parents came unglued to say the least...so worried about me...they know I can do it if I really try, etc. My husband does not support me in doing this either. To make a very long story short...if this operation was covered by my insurance, I think he would be more positive. I agree $17,000 is a lot of 4, but it is my health that is at stake.

We are doing the Dave Ramsey thing and are following the guidelines pretty well..lots of progress. But having to take out a loan to cover "elective" surgery costs definitly goes against what he teaches. my husband reminds me of this regularly. But this surgery is like the light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. I have tried to eat right/diet since 3rd grade...that's over 25 years...no permanent success so far. I feel that after all this time...it is safe to say that what I have been doing is not working. I need to change strategies...and the band seems like it will help me succeed.

So...basically...I am getting it from all angles...guilt...guilt...guilt...i would write "guilt" a few more times...but I think I would run out of room.

Anyone else have a similar situation? I feel like I have no support. I have never had to do anything without family support..It is really hard. Any advice???

[ReneBean 3]

I didn't get the guilt trip - but my parents did worry. I am fortunate that my insurance DID cover the surgery - after I took them to the state insurance board... It was the only way.

Since the initial healing period - I can tell you that I haven't been particularly diligent in my food choices - but I have lost weight ever so slowly - just the same.

If you really do make the proper choices and follow the rules and exercise - you will see dramatic results. Do you have a 401k you can finance - some money that is just yours to get a loan against? I understand what hubby is saying and I understand the worry angle - but none of them can possibly understand how hard it is to live with no hope of ever looking like a normal woman - of walking without pain - of just living a normal life.

I would pay $17k for the hope alone.

Keep your chin up and do what you feel is right. If your family won't support you - we will.

Hugs!

[misltoe 0]

Thank you for your support. It means a lot.

Interesting about the insurance board...what insurance?...was band surgery an exclusion on your policy or were they making you jump through too many hoops in hopes you would give up?

[Bullwinkle 1]

I have tried to eat right/diet since 3rd grade...that's over 25 years...no permanent success so far.

Well, look at it this way. In that twenty-five-year timespan -- guessing that you've spent money on supervised and non-supervised diet programs -- you've proably spent a ton of money -- perhaps even $10,000.

Tell your family -- if you feel the need to rationalize to them -- that you can continue to spend another $10,000 over the next 25 years on fruitless attempts to get yourself to a healthy weight, or you can spend $17,000 now to ensure you'll get yourself to a healthy weight.

I'm not saying that WLS will ensure your weight loss. I'm saying that if you're committed to WLS and all it entails for success for your situation, then this will probably be the last "ton of money" you'll spend towards that goal.

Also, once you're comfortable with who you are -- in the skin you're in -- your quality of life will be better, thus making your family happier with you.

But what really counts is how YOU feel. You've only got to answer to two people, IMHO -- you and your God. The rest of the lot can like it or lump it.

Just my two cents........

[Irish Dancers 0]

With my surgeon - had I not had the family support - he would not have performed the surgery. The support is important. Who is going to pick you up and help keep you motivated?

[kim2bhealthy 3]

Misltoe- Hey! Never fear, you have plenty of support here from people who know what it is like to struggle your entire life with weight issues. Are your parents or hubby overweight at all? It is really difficult for people who have never struggled with a weight problem to fully understand the desperation and despair that we often feel after a lifetime of weight loss failures. This is ALL ABOUT YOU! You have to focus on what is best for YOUR HEALTH AND WELL BEING. Just remember, those feelings of guilt will quickly turn to feelings of amazaement, relief and happiness after the weight starts falling off! Please, if you feel that surgery is right for you, do it! You are the one having to carry all that weight around, not your parents or hubby.. I think you will find that the guilt is still lighter than all the extra weight is... good luck! Keep your chin up, we are here for you!

[KariWI 1]

KariWI

Mistltoe

I am going to be banded Dec 12th!! I know that my family is concerned about the surgery. They have also watched me gain and lose weight over 30 years. I am finally going to give myself the tools so that I can take off the weight and keep it off for the rest of my life. My husband was scared about the risks of surgery. We had a heart to heart and he now understands the battles I fight both physically and emotionally because of being overweight. I have found that when you find the courage to do something for yourself and are successful it gives a feeling of self worth and pride like nothing else that is given to us. We December lapbanders have to stick together.

[tonya66 13]

I am in a similar situation as you. I have kept my desire to be banded from everyone in my family, knowone knows yet, I haven't even told my husband. I plan on telling him after I attend the seminar Saturday and I will be able to answer all his questions.

We are also following the Dave Ramsey program, but my insurance is paying for mine and I have the rest taken out on a medical payflex account, so I won't need to do a loan.

I do think having support is important, but sometimes you just can't get it from people you love like your family, so the message board here is my support. Good-Luck.

[beversman 0]

I completely understand. My family keeps telling me "if" I do decide to have the surgery that they will be there for me, BUT they are giving me the guilt trip from hell until it happens...

You know they mean the best. However, it would make this so much easier if they would just be a bit supportive. My husband recently left me... so my family feels I am not in a good spot to make this decision.

When do they want us to make the decision??

If we are ready, what else is there to wait for?

Do they want us to wait until we are already soooo obese or sick that we MUST to have the sugery??

I personally would like to be able to make the choice to do it.

There is no "good" time. They will hate the idea as much later as they do right now. That I am sure.

So, yes... there is at least one other person here (me) That knows how hard it is to deal with the family reaction.

--Brandi

[Carlene 12]

Just so you know....the band is not magic. It's going to take some work on your part. You will need to exercise and keep away from stuff like chips, candy, ice cream, etc that will always go down easily.

After-care is EVERYTHING. Are you getting banded in the US? If not, be sure you have a fill doctor lined up BEFORE you have surgery. The band will not work without good restriction, which is achieved only by a series of adjustments.

You have the opportunity to prove your hubby right, or prove him wrong. But my guess is that he would LOVE to be proven wrong in this instance.

[barbara465 2]

Sorry to hear that you have no support. However, you can do this. Put yourself first and leave the guilt behind. Once they see your determination they may surprise you and become supportive. However, if they don't, don't let their doubt and guilt play a role in your success. Only you can agree to go on the guilt trip. They can't make you. You are in control so take it.

It will be a little harder to work the program if they are not supportive. It is not impossible. You will need to look for the ones they are sabotaging your success and don't fall into the traps. We are here for you.

Good luck to you

[carolel 0]

msltoe,

I can sympathize with you. I've told no one about my surgery except for my hubby. I knew I wouldn't get support form any of them and would be talked about. My husband is not real keen on the idea of having to pay back $16,000. I'm self-pay and we took out a home-equity loan. My husbands' goal in life is to be debt-free so this certainly doesn't sit very well with him. He went to the support meeting and required seminar with me so he knows what I've done is going to be the best for my health. He does remind me though that this bill is mine. I think your husband will come around when he sees how much better you'll begin to feel. I was banded on Oct.3rd and have lost 30 pounds and gained SO much energy.I truly don't ever remember feeling as good as I do now. It's already been worth the $ to me.

Good luck!

[sweethot143 2]

I understand that it is hard that your family is not supportive. I read once that "It is none of your business what other people think of you" makes so much sense. You know if this is the right decision for yourself. I decided not to tell my family, the only one who knows is my husband, and he is supportive thankfully. We live in Germany and our families live in Florida so it's easier for us not to tell them stuff, as we are not close knit.

Most people don't understand how it feels to be fat, to not be able to dress in your style, to have low energy, to feel selfconscience all the time. To feel big and sloppy, to feel like everyone is judging you on your size rather than the person you are. I am not banded yet, but I truely believe if I take this weight off, it will change my life. NOt so much what others think of me, but what I think of me. I can't love this body no matter how much i tried, I can't. You don't need their support, you can do this, and be on the road to becoming the person that you desire to become.

I know my mom would be worried about me having surgery, show your family the statistics on this surgery and the probability of you losing the weight and keeping it off. People die from car accidents more often than from this surgery. It's very safe as you know.

Good luck with this, I hope that you just put on your blinders and stay focused on your goal. Afterall, you deserve to have a healthy body too.

[fitzgerald 0]

Hey there. I am so sorry you aren't getting the support you need.

In my case, my husband, best friend and other family members were very suspicious of the whole procedure. I went about it my own way. I did a lot of research (my first stop was this site), and I eventually presented the information to them. My DH and others have completely changed their mind about the operation. But some of my friends still aren't supportive.

TOO BAD.

I didn't say it like that, but I said something to the effect of, "I think it's nice that you're so concerned about me, but I know deep in my heart this is the right decision for me." Because I honestly think they were just concerned for my welfare. But you have to do what's best for you.

Best of luck.

[ReneBean 3]

Thank you for your support. It means a lot. :success1:

Interesting about the insurance board...what insurance?...was band surgery an exclusion on your policy or were they making you jump through too many hoops in hopes you would give up?

I have BCBS of California. They sent me a letter saying that the Lap Band is considered experimental for people with BMI over 50 - yes - they told me I was too fat to get the Band. Uh huh. But they would be more than thrilled to put me thru the whole gastric by-pass Frankenstein on your insides deal. OK. yeah. Not so much.

So, I appealed the first decision - and lost. and I appealed again - to the State of California. Thankfully - 2/3 independent docs recommended the band. In the final analysis - the whole thing has cost me less than $2000 - including co-pays for Dr visits and fills. It was worth fighting them.

My life has not drastically changed - I don't have any side effects (other than a slow & steady weightloss) and if I don't want to let the world know, I don't have to. Surgery was easy, recovery was quick - I just can't say enough about how cool this surgery is.

AND - when I do what I am supposed to - eat sensibly and drag my butt to the gym - I lose weight pretty fast. It's a good thing. Take it from the original couch potato. The Band ROCKS.

Once I healed up from the initial surgery and my mom figured out that (insert all of the above re: side effects, etc) she is fine with the whole thing. She was only feeling residual fear from hearing the horror stories about Bypass patients dying and stuff.

I hope your family comes around - but keep in mind that even if they don't - you can always come here for love.

:]