Trying to talk someone out of WLS?

[mezanne1401 190]

My niece and I spent the day together yesterday. We had such a great time together!! She is 21, 5'7", 230 lbs although she looks bigger than that to me, but I'm certainly not one to judge. She was so excited for me when I had my surgery! Yesterday I took her to Long John Silvers, one of her favorites. I got the popcorn shrimp and she got a huge platter. I ate three pieces of shrimp and was full and I sat there while she finished her platter. She said after I finished that she wished she could get the surgery so she could eat as much as I do now. I told her that the surgery should be her last resort, but I feel like such a hypocrite. It was my last resort. I know my niece. We share everything and I just don't see her changing her lifestyle enough to have the surgery. I told her about the sodas and mental aspects of it. She says she would give it all up, but I honestly don't see it. I think she is seeing this as a miracle cure and super easy. My weight loss has been amazing (down 65 pounds since Oct 31), but it hasn't been "easy"! This surgery to me has been a mind screw! I've had to battle my brain more than anything else. I know she wants a quick resolve and I don't know how to tell her that it isn't a good idea for her right now. I would support anyone wanting this, but I can't get behind her on this quite yet. I'm so aggravated at myself for not supporting her on wanting this, but I know she thinks this is the easy way out and I know we can all attest that it is not at all. The good thing though is that she has no insurance and no way at all to pay for it herself, so I am putting the horse before the cart, but I don't want her to say screw the diets, I'll just eat what I want until I can get the surgery!

[Dianne38 81]

I personally would support her. Shes already too big. Ive never understood why people wait until they get other medical problems fue to weight to get the surgery. The last resort should not be when you are diagnosed with a life threatening issue. Shes overweight and have tried diets....this is her last resort. If you could change your eating habits on your own you wouldnt need the surgery. The sleeve is what helps to change your eating habits. When she eats something the sleeve doesnt like I promise she will have a mental note to never do that again. In my opinion if she wants it, you should support it. Shes at a wonderful age to gain a new self esteem and live a wonderful healthy life. Why does she have to get any bigger or get sick to have the surgery?

[cygnusatratus 73]

A couple of things. You could try to get her to do a version of the post op solids diet (limit calories, Protein first, low carb, Water intake, etc)including doctor / nutritionalist supervision and all the Vitamins. Her portions would be bigger than yours but from experience, very low carbs also suppresses hunger. She could see results without the expense, and yes it will be hard, but she would have you for support and advice. With or without the surgery she will need to show that level of discipline to be successful. Point #2: I don' think it is a good example to take her to a fast food restaurant that she loves and for you to order and eat fried food, and demonstrate that you can only eat a little of it. We both know that you can get away with that bad choice, but demonstrating that to her and putting her in that situation and then telling her how hard it is and trying to demonstrate to her that she will have to make tough choices is a little unfair, IMO. It seems like a bit of "do as I say, and not as I do". I'm sorry if it is tough to hear and I'm not judging, just offering an outside perspective.

[Geminidrive 389]

I would not support her getting the surgery right now. She is young and she has the potential and tools to loose the weight on her own with your family's support. What I would suggest is that she find a weight loss program and also counseling first.

[O.T.R. sleever 3,386]

I would challenge her to live on a "pre-op diet" for a couple weeks. Let her get a taste of some of the process. You never know, this might just be the life changing event for her.

But remind her, she is 21. And this will definately affect her social life (at least for a while). When all her friends are out drinking, that won't be an option for her. When everybody hits up the Taco Hell, she is out. Movie theater popcorn is no longer an option.

How much of her life revolves around food? She has to understand, this is a complete lifestyle change. Krispy Kreme & Coldstone aren't your friends anymore, as a mater of fact they can have some pretty bad effects.

Then there is the possibility of complications. Have her read the "Horror Story" post. After all this, if she still sees it as a viable option, and still wants it, then it's time for you to take her hand & support her.

[LindaS 316]

At 5'7 and 230 pounds, you niece isn't "already too big" as another poster claimed. She doesn't even have a BMI of 40, which is the minimum most insurances require without co-morbidities. Although, since she doesn't have insurance, she could do self-funded surgery.

You mentioned you were worried she would just give herself permission to eat until she can afford surgery. I think a good way to prevent this is to share some of the loose skin stories with her. You can find videos on youtube, etc. The more she gains now, the more loose skin she could end up with, and it might be the visual she needs to help her maintain, if not lose, weight.

I don't see how her age plays a factor in this. I think it is more about whether she is ready and willing mentally to change her behavior. She needs you to talk to her about the negatives of the mental challenges because right now she is just seeing your weight loss and not the mental work behind it. If you aren't willing to share your own mental work with her, invite her to the forums.

I have a neighbor who was 16 when she had weight loss surgery (bypass). She is now planning to get plastics to remove the extra skin. She is very level headed, but she has discussed with me a little bit about how hard it is to hang out with her friends because of her diet restrictions. Maybe your niece can check out the forum for teens and 20s here to see what issues they are dealing with after being sleeved.

Encouraging your niece by giving her information about diets and exercise is another option for you. You could make it a point to mention calorie content for various foods that she eats or you used to eat (like you did about the soda).

Best of luck to both of you!

[Nicolanz 1,484]

She's an adult and if she's passionate enough about this, she's gonna do it whether you support her or not. I did it against my husband's wishes and to be honest, I kind of resent him for making me do it alone! I know you care about her but this could improve her quality of life. Give her a shot, don't fail her just prepare her.

[sramos89 260]

I needed this surgery at 21 but I don't think I was mature enough, but that is me. I know some 16 year olds that listen better than I do at 41. I think it depends on her. What does she say when you tell her no more cokes? At 21 I wasn't done thinking I knew everything and ready to listen to my doctor. I am actually starting to believe I might not know it all now.

[mezanne1401 190]

I know it sounds like I am being mean by not wanting her to do this right now, but I know her, probably better than her own parents. I do know that she is not mature enough for this journey. Good Lord, she just stopped sucking her thumb 2 years ago and still watches SpongeBob!!! That's more of an inside joke between the two of us, but she has been pampered and spoiled all of her life. Instead of working for something, she has had it handed to her on a tarnished silver platter. I'm sure you can all say that you are working on the weight loss as the sleeve "is just a tool". She thinks the weight loss will come to her easily, that she won't have to work at this.

As previously mentioned, I have told her about the preop diet of Protein shakes where I lost17 pounds in 2 weeks. Then I told her about the high Protein, low/no carbs, low/no salt and Water. Her response...."I hate water!"

Also, the fast food, stupid idea, I know. That is a no brainer, but it happened and it's done with. I'm still working on the mental aspects of social eating. That being said and in my defense, I always pay for her when we eat and she was talking Outback, Red Lobster or Olive Garden and I didn't have time for a long sit down meal and didn't want to spend that much money.

If she does have the surgery or make up her mind to have it, then I will support her 150%!!! I know how hard this has been for me. I don't want to see her miserable or sick and of course, I'm worried of the complications she may face either with the surgery or the complications from noncompliance.

I love that kid like she was my own and I have always had a special place in my heart since the first time we were introduced when my husband and I were just dating 13 years ago. I can see so much of me in her even with no blood relation. I was in no way, shape or form responsible/mature enough for this. I wish I would have done it when I was 25, when my back first began to hurt and my weight skyrocketed. Thanks for all the great advice!!

[Dianne38 81]

Id love to have you as an aunt! Do what YOU feel is best for her....we will support YOU while you supporr her.