How are you doing on the "emotional" side of being skinny?

[desertmom 297]

This is a very difficult situation to be in.My housemate of 20 years (we have been best friends forever and we are both single by choice) somehow got that the sleeve was going to help me to get thin.When I had the sleeve she started low carbing,got a personal trainer and worked her butt off.Swimming,cycling ect ect.She is so tiny,4'11 and have dropped 30 pounds.She is just about 6 pounds from her ideal weight now.I never realized that there was a little bit of a competitive edge between us outside of my whipping her at squash all the time...lol

This has really helped me because she use to be a terrible enabler and also very much in denial that she was getting bigger herself.Now though,she is a little hurt every time someone notices my weight loss and not hers.But when some says,aaa,you've lost so much weight,I will just say yes we have havent we? And usually people realize immediately that she's lost a lot too.She likes this as dieting was very hard for her.She couldnt stay on a diet for a full day once in 20 years...lol.She's been my best friend and cheer leader for a long time.Now we can cheer each other on.

Also since I started talking plastics,she all of a sudden have a hang up about her arms,which looks great by the way.So for now,I am quiet about my plans to make me look nornal again until she doesnt feel like its a competition anymore.And she is a VP of a huge company,smart lady,she will figure it out for herself at some point.

But your approach is correct.You will just have to share the bigger joys of losing with us...lol.Just like I kind of have to immediately get the attention back to my friends when someone starts fussing about my weightloss in order for my bigger friends not to withdraw,you will just have to be sensitive until she figures out what she needs to.And being the smart woman that she is,she will.She just needs to get there herself,just like we had to.

I never realized that normal people have the exact same hangups and insecurities that overweight people have.And ageing doesnt help either.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

can't help feel partially responsible had to quit celebrating those little victories because I don't want her to feel bad.

i understand she wants to lose 20 lbs - but you can't blame yourself about her gaining

she continues to do everything amazing, from eating to exercise - don't know what the problem is that she can't lose - she just has to continue with all the right stuff

i agree seeing the doc might help - BUT if that weight doesn't come off......don't blame yourself

your wife continues to be your big supporter

just continue to be supportive to her, like she always was/is to you

don't "not get excited" (terrible sentence)about your weight loss, and don't keep your success to yourself

weight was always an issue with my mom

my whole family was "normal" size - except me. mom ALWAYS "reminded" me that i needed to lose weight.

as a teen-ager, instead of a b'day cake - i always would get a candle on a weight watchers cupcake

through out all my years up and down with my weight, i finally have lost 103 lbs post WLS - with the "assistance" of the sleeve - but of course i know "I" did the hard work to lose the weight,

i know i "will" be successful keeping my weight off

i feel guilty about my daughters weight gain

all the time while i was heavy - i "cried on my daughters shoulders" in other words just told her how upset i was about my weight.-it was a constant discussion about ME, not her weight which was fine

so the cycle continued about weight being such an important subject

since the birth of her 3 kids (12,9,4) she kept gaining to the present point - i know she want to lose the weight, but we all know hard it is - trust me i NEVER bring up her weight (she needs to lose about 75 lbs)

i also blame myself for her weight gain, since weight, weight, weight was such a subject for me (and for her to listen to me)

but.............

now that i've lost 100 lbs, i don't think its right either to Celebrate my victories with daughter

not wanting to talk much about my weight loss with daughter

i think i'm kindof the pot calling the kettle black i know i "should" embrace my success with my daughter, but its hard and i DO feel guilty, sad that at 38 she is now getting heavy when i was her age

emotions, feelings - we all have them, and they can be hard to deal with

congratulations Butterthebean on your weight loss, I can't fathom "seeing" 172 lbs gone!!!

goal here you come!!!

[SleeveGirl-TX 183]

Learning to take a compliment has been an interesting change. I've always excelled at business and in certain aspects of my life and I've always been able to say "thank you" when someone says 'good job'. But taking a compliment without pooh-poohing myself and my weight loss has been a tough one. Someone said my face and skin was so nice and beautiful (they didn't know me before WLS so they don't even know I was ever different than I am now) and I found myself looking for an "excuse" for it and getting embarassed. I had to make myself smile and say "thank you".

I've gone through a lot of emotional and mental health stuff over the past couple of years. Coming to grips with my obesity and the "why" aspects of it has been the absolute hardest part of this journey. It's been pretty brutal. BUT I'm starting to come out the other side, I think. I have way more days where the abusive voice in my head doesn't come around. I have a lot less bad self-talk and a lot more good self-talk.

I think, for most of us, it's all part of the process. Therapy probably saved my life more than WLS did, to be honest. But the two together... that's made me whole.

[lessofmeismore 1,405]

It's definitely a sink or swim scenario we are thrown into! It has forced me to face so many issues that I blocked out with food. Just another reason I wish I had done this sooner...here I am in my forties getting my self together. I would have loved to be in this place in my 20's or 30's

[sirensiren 67]

I LOVE this topic.

The emotional side has been a struggle for me, and one I did not expect. I thought the source of most of my sadness was being overweight, and that being thin would solve so many issues for me- but instead, I realized that now that I no longer have the outlet of overeating, I am confronting more of my fears and in a way feel like I've mourned a loss. It was not instant, but rather about 8 months later (I am one year and 2 months out) it started to creep up, and it took a while to identify it. I also find myself more prone to wanting to drink as an outlet- since then, I have chosen to avoid alcohol for a couple months.

It's an amazing journey, and though mostly a happy one- the adjustment can bring up some unexpected issues you may not know you had. I certainly did not acknowledge how much of an emotional outlet food was for me before.

[Puja 148]

I worked up to 100 posts, just so that I could post in this thread! Now that I am here, though, I realize my thoughts are not all that collected. So, instead, I'd like to say "thank you" to all of you who are sharing!! It's liberating to read these posts, and see so many that have gone through, or are going through similar experiences, and finding yourselves.

I'm 15 months out, and learn something new about myself ever day. This journey is about so much more than losing weight! Thank you for this thread!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Your post made me smile. I think I know exactly how you feel.... so much to say and yet not exactly finding the right words.

Last night I had dinner with an aquaintance who is becoming more of a friend. She told me that when she knew me before I was nice, but guarded and reserved... hard to get to know. She tells me that now I am like a light to the moths... I have so much energy, excitement, and openness that people are just drawn to me. It was interesting because in her mind it had very little to do with looks and alot to do with just being open and loving to people.

I think she described it better then I could. I DO FEEL different. I do feel more loving, generous in my heart toward others somehow. I feel more honest and open and self secure and confident. I feel like it is okay to share bits of my heart, I am strong enough to risk the occasional stomping if that is the price I have to pay.

I have gone through those days when I still feel hugely fat in my size 8s...lol... but then I catch a glimpse in a storefront window and realize "no, i am not huge, I am normal". I think that the size acceptance though is less important then the self love that allows me to be more loving to others. Is that incredible, or what?

Who knew that shedding the fatsuit would bring out so much more then a few collar bones and facial features that was previously buried in fat. It also brought my heart and soul a little closer to the surface and it shows.

I worked up to 100 posts, just so that I could post in this thread! Now that I am here, though, I realize my thoughts are not all that collected. So, instead, I'd like to say "thank you" to all of you who are sharing!! It's liberating to read these posts, and see so many that have gone through, or are going through similar experiences, and finding yourselves.

I'm 15 months out, and learn something new about myself ever day. This journey is about so much more than losing weight! Thank you for this thread!

[Bos123 221]

Your post made me smile. I think I know exactly how you feel.... so much to say and yet not exactly finding the right words.

Last night I had dinner with an aquaintance who is becoming more of a friend. She told me that when she knew me before I was nice' date=' but guarded and reserved... hard to get to know. She tells me that now I am like a light to the moths... I have so much energy, excitement, and openness that people are just drawn to me. It was interesting because in her mind it had very little to do with looks and alot to do with just being open and loving to people.

I think she described it better then I could. I DO FEEL different. I do feel more loving, generous in my heart toward others somehow. I feel more honest and open and self secure and confident. I feel like it is okay to share bits of my heart, I am strong enough to risk the occasional stomping if that is the price I have to pay.

I have gone through those days when I still feel hugely fat in my size 8s...lol... but then I catch a glimpse in a storefront window and realize "no, i am not huge, I am normal". I think that the size acceptance though is less important then the self love that allows me to be more loving to others. Is that incredible, or what?

Who knew that shedding the fatsuit would bring out so much more then a few collar bones and facial features that was previously buried in fat. It also brought my heart and soul a little closer to the surface and it shows.

[/quote']

This post is very motivational and good to hear. One can hope this is what will happen because most of us are striving for physical and mental health. Thank you for posting..

[Catracks 865]

As for the emotional side, the biggest thing I had to do was confront my baggage.

I thought that losing the weight would make me insta-happy. Surely my lack of confidence, my anger, my unhappiness were all tied up in the obesity I'd been battling since fourteen.

Once I got close to goal I really had to reevaluate that idea. Because I still wasn't happy. I wasn't overeating or using food as a crutch - I'd shaken most of those habits. But I still felt angry. I still wasn't happy. I couldn't figure out what was going on.

And then I started to really think about why I was obese in the first place. And it all led back to hurts from my upbringing and bad relationships with family members. For the first time I confronted my parents on the truly miserable and rotten job they did. I'm not exaggerating here or being melodramatic. Plenty of kids grow up thinking they could do things better or differently than their parents. But mine were truly awful. No kid should know the names of the state DCFS investigators and social workers by name and sight, but they visited our house more often than my grandparents.

I was able to really get through to my mom and it was huge. We're never going to be the absolute best of friends but we've come a really long way and are pretty close now. I had to eliminate the toxic relationships. I had not realized how much having certain people in my life was damaging me. But it was! And I was angry and resentful without really even realizing that I was the one in control - I could very easily choose to simply walk away from those relationships.

So I did. I don't speak to entire branches of my messed up family tree anymore. And that's fine. It's actually really, really liberating.

For me, a lot of what I had to shake was the anger - I had to either forgive people or forget them entirely. And I had to forgive myself and accept that I deserved to be happy despite mistakes in my own past and despite the fact that people had been tearing me down my entire life.

I am not perfect. We all carry around things from our past. I still struggle sometimes but I really feel like the bigger part of the journey (and I say this all the time) is finding out what makes us obese in the first place. Because in my case, I had a lot of issues that I was burying under food.

I'm very different now. I like the changes in myself. I'm happy and can't really remember a time in my life before this when I ever just accepted myself for who I am, faults and all.

I'm also more friendly (though it took a while to learn this) and affectionate. I don't feel shame - not of my body, not of my past - and I think that really helps me.

Anyway. I think this is the real thing people should focus on. For some people, this is just a way to shed fifty pounds. But for so many more I think it's a way to shed years and years of bad feelings, bad habits and bad experiences. I think that without overcoming these obstacles, I might not have been able to maintain. Being unhappy all the time probably would have made it easier to fall into those old emotional eating patterns.

~Cheri

Wow Cheri! In the 1970s and earlier, kids like us just used to either run away or endure it. Even when family members found out about the scale of the abuse, they pulled back even further - expect for my grandfather and his wife who saved my life. My mother had two, yes two personality disorders.

What I am now if a person without a whole lot of self confidence. It trips me up a lot. It had also taken me years to hug without flinching. It's still there on the edges.

I don't really know what caused the obesity other than the fact that to me food = love and safety. I guess it still does and I still love food. I can just get by with a whole lot less of it and make better choices.

On a lighter note - I want to get a size 20 pair of pants and put them on. Just yesterday I put on a pullover hoodie that I haven't worn for a year. It hung on my ridiculously. I kept looking down at myself in disbelief.

[Bos123 221]

Wow Cheri! In the 1970s and earlier' date=' kids like us just used to either run away or endure it. Even when family members found out about the scale of the abuse, they pulled back even further - expect for my grandfather and his wife who saved my life. My mother had two, yes two personality disorders.

What I am now if a person without a whole lot of self confidence. It trips me up a lot. It had also taken me years to hug without flinching. It's still there on the edges.

I don't really know what caused the obesity other than the fact that to me food = love and safety. I guess it still does and I still love food. I can just get by with a whole lot less of it and make better choices.

On a lighter note - I want to get a size 20 pair of pants and put them on. Just yesterday I put on a pullover hoodie that I haven't worn for a year. It hung on my ridiculously. I kept looking down at myself in disbelief.[/quote']

This is fantastic! You are speaking for many I is here..

[LindaS 316]

Proudgrammy, your thoughts about your daughter really touched my heart. It is such a tightrope that I feel I have to walk when discussing weight issues with my own children.

My oldest daughter is 18 and just had a baby. She has the baby fat around her belly because of the pregnancy, but she is still very small. Her weight is probably the highest it has ever been, and it is close to my current weight.

I am very conscious of not talking to her about being fat or "losing the baby fat." Instead, I have tried to let her guide the conversations. She asked if she could go to my Zumba class with me, and I was happy to invite her. I've shared exercise tips that I am doing and tried to always frame it in terms of being healthy not lose weight.

I think that is one of the things that worries me the most about having this surgery -- I don't want my kids to see it as "mom lost weight." I want my kids to see that "mom got healthier." I try to emphasize this whenever possible including when we are doing really active things.

One of the things that worries me the most is that my oldest is a busy mom who works at a fast food place and going to college -- these are all the things that led me to weight gains. I want to help her learn how to avoid my mistakes.

I am also concerned about my sister and niece. Both are very obese, but they aren't ready to do anything. My sister is at the point where her health is impacted -- cpap machine, knee surgeries, swelling in ankles and feet, short of breath, unable to walk.... Yet, she has never dieted, and she isn't ready to diet. She doesn't want to change her diet or give up food. I frequently hear from them comments about how small I am getting, and I shouldn't lose more. The other day, my niece mentioned that her son saw that picture of me (my profile pic) and said I needed to eat a sandwich.

It is very hard to share what I am learning about being more healthy without turning them off. And I so do not want to cause my daughter to every feel bad about her body because she is amazing and healthy, and I want her to stay that way. It's a struggle.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

I have some emotional baggage that I have worked in. An I have learned to or still am learning to forgive myself. It is a constant battle.

My mother is a real # and wasn't there for me growing up. I have thought about talking to her about it but. She would play the victim role and go into a rage to side step the issue. So I choose to let her go. I had to learn how to nurture myself. Thank gad I have a loving husband and kids and his family. So fortune.

Anyways I do totally understand letting go of toxic family members. Now we need to love ourselves.

[Puja 148]

I find it amazing how each and every one of us ends up doing some serious soul-searching on our journey towards health. We not only face our old demons, but also find new ones along the way...

It's not that I'm unhappy. I'm actually incredibly happy and satisfied! Losing weight seems to have opened up so many doors for me, and taught me so much about myself. I love being healthy. However, oddly enough, it has also brought about many insecurities.

"Why is this person wanting to be friends with me now, after so many years of giving me the cold shoulder? Do I look "normal" now, or am I still being perceived as someone that is overweight? Am I actually good at socializing, now that people want to talk to me?"

It's odd, because I was always very social, and always had people wanting to be in my company... somehow, though, I never doubted myself or the people around me until I lost weight. I figured if someone was talking to me, it was because I genuinely had a great personality, and there was no ulterior motive. But now, it seems like people are talking to me because I look a certain way, rather than because of what I have to offer to the conversation. I feel colder now than before, unlike CowGirlJane. I might not actually be, but I feel like I am.

When I meet someone new, I'm always thinking in my head "Hey! I used to be fat! You're being tricked into thinking I'm normal!". I feel like I need to give a disclaimer! Isn't it odd how I still feel like this isn't actually me?

I have days where I don't recognize my body and face.. but then I also have days where I don't recognize my old body and face in pre-op pictures. It's like I'm stuck in a limbo. Perhaps it's because I'm so terrified that I will start gaining weight again?

Well, for what it's worth, this surgery was the best decision I ever made. Aside from the self-doubt and criticism, it has put me on the road to health, and improved the health of my family members, as well. I know that one day I will be able to take this experience and put it to good use in helping people I come across in my practice (I'll be applying to become a medical resident at the end of this year).

I'm not sure if my train of thought makes sense, because I didn't quite stop to organize. I have lots more going on in my head, but this is all for now. Thank you again, for starting this thread! I'm really enjoying what everyone has to offer!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Puja, you made a lot of sense. I too am so happy but it is quite a mind bender at times too.

I had to laugh at your remark about meeting new people and wanting to tell them that you used to be fat somehow - because they are being tricked into thinking we are normal. I laughed because I recognized that fleeting thought myself. Then, it took me aback - like wow, sometimes I really do feel that way - is it that old "damaged goods" mentatlity? I don't know but your post gave me something to reflect on.

I have learned alot of things but one of them is that other people are much kinder, more accepting, more forgiving and I think in some ways more generous towards us then we seem to be toward ourselves at times. What I mean by that is that others give me hugely positive feedback on my looks and I am finally starting to believe them. I am far from perfect (hey the fatsuit days take a toll!) but I am pretty good looking in most peoples eyes. They are happy for me and THEY don't see me as being fraudelently skinny...lol.

At times my inner compass about myself gets a little confused and that is when I am taking direction from good supportive people who care about me - that working toward even more self love and self acceptance. maybe some day unconditional? well... maybe that is too much of a stretch...

[Butterthebean 8,146]

Cowgirljane...a while ago I joked on this forum that when I made it to goal I wanted to have a Tshirt made that said "former fatty so f*** off." Sometimes I still want to wear a shirt like that. Too subtle?