How are you doing on the "emotional" side of being skinny?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I loves it, but have definately had some wild emotions at times. Lately, i have been feeling more normal, but occasionally have something happen that reminds me of this wild journey.

I have been going to the office alot and been asking for different/new work assignments. It is really helping me feel better - like I am getting my life back.

anyway, Friday I ran into a woman that I used to work with quite a bit - say 5 years ago. i saw her this summer, after I had lost probably 90-100# but I keep "reshaping". The LAST 20# I have lost have been more shocking to everyone then the first 100# somehow. I have lost about 140 now and I am a pretty solid size 10 now, and what I find surprising is that seems to be a huge leap from where I was even back in November when I was a solid size 12. I don't see much a of a difference but I am working out hard to and under that loose skin I am developing a pretty firm muscle base that probably makes a difference in appearance too. Anyway, I thought she was gonna have a break down. She has always been chunky, but she has really gained weight - don't know if that is what triggered it.

I saw her and stopped to say hello. She didn't recoginize me so I made a joke of it and we started talking about work stuff. She interupted me and said "I recognize your voice and your laugh, but my mind can't believe that is really you talking." I thought she might cry... seriously.... she was emotional and I acting kinda nutty actually. I gave her a hug, showed her my badge again trying to be funny about it but she never really recovered.

I got two things out of this encounter.

1. I am a lot more huggy then I used to be. I don't know why, never thought about it, but a few years ago I would not have been likely to hug someone that is a fairly insignificant aquaintance. I think I like this about the "new me" - I have always wanted to be a warmer person I just wasn't raised that way...lol. In general, people are friendlier to me now and I think alot of it is that I am friendlier as well.

2. I always thought people didn't get too wrapped up in how others look... I mean, seriously, who cares that much? I guess i was wrong.

I have been feeling pretty good about my body image lately so the encounter didn't upset me too much, but at weaker times, it might have. Losing this much weight in just over a year - it is a shock to the brain that is for sure.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

i never kept any of my old/too small clothes - or even the "normal" ones i was wearing and they got to big

in other words i never "saw" my transformation

i finally saw a few differences, new clothes sizes, things improving - but i could never grasp the weight loss mentally

went to the store the other day to try on a pair of the exact same 2X blue jeans, elastic band, same brand

i put them on in the store and just stared at myself in disbelief

i did that for about 10 minutes!!!

then i took those jeans off, put my size 6 jeans on with the 2X over them

i again kept staring at myself

i bought the jeans and sat in the car for another few minutes

i was so sad!!!

Reason????

i just kept looking/staring at myself say "OMG" is that really me in those gigantic pants???? i filled out "ALLLL" that empty space

i was very upset, still am alittle just thinking and talking about it

i don't think i'll ever forget this incident - i was looking back at 59 years of my life - pretty sad!!!

but................

i know, i know - out with the old, in with the new

i am so very happy now - healthy now - no more diabetes meds/insulin - high blood pressure - CPAP

self confidence through the roof

life IS good

proud to be a veteran - looking forward to continueing a new good life!!!

only the best for all of us!!!

[kyllfalcon 768]

I am having a different experience than ProudGranny. She says she was looking back on 59 years of her life, so maybe you were heavy all your life, ProudGranny?

I was not. I was a skinny knobby kid, gained a little weight after the babies but in my late 20s slimmed down and kept if off very well until early 40's. I actually got painfully thin during a divorce. Then I remarried, life centered around the kitchen, and a couple years later had a hysterectomy and went on HRT. I gained a lot of weight, and while the HRT didn't help, most of it was just overeating and poor food choices. I love sugar, preferably blended with a large dollop of fat.

So, when I see the normal weight person in the mirror or the big window, it shocks me, not because it is a new image, but because I finally got me back. I gleefully recognize the former me, just a lot older and grayer!

Somehow I always knew that I'd find a way to get rid of the weight, that I would not always be so heavy, I just did not know what it would be or how it would come about. I am forever grateful that we have such good medical procedures, and that I could manage to scrape up the funds to take advantage of it.

I know we all have demons to face every step of the way, and now I have to face The Maintenance Demons. We are all determined to keep the weight off once we reach goal, but just look through this forum and on YouTube and various other places, and you'll find folks who regain. Some a little, some a lot.

Of course, I am scared to death to regain. I just don't want to go back there ever again. But I know I'm human, and I still crave that sugar blended with fat!! I already let myself gain a pound over my birthday!

That is the emotional thing for me, fear of losing me again, not dealing with the rediscovery of me. Does that make any sense at all?

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

linda

maybe i was exaggerating a little

i said looking back at 59 years -but i really didn't get heavy til i was in high school

so, i hear you were a little runt when you were a kid??? film at 11:00!!

i also am terrified of gaining the weight back

i lost about 75 lbs 8 years ago, it was amazing - i looked so hot

i was working, and the fact that everyone knew and saw me - i couldn't, wouldn't ever gain the weight back

well....fast forward 6 months - weight was back-so embarrassed

i truly think this is different - it must be!!!! thats why were sleeved, to get the help we need not to regain our weight, EVER

i have to keep a mindset that i'll be fine

like i said earlier, keep myself on board with my eating/planning/MFP - keeping track of myself is important

i get on the scale daily - i know that might not be proper, but it makes me accountable, and if i ever see weight go up - i will scream, but then get back to work harder

the emotions are all there - but we will deal with them - mirror image and all

[fluffylibra30 323]

I myself am doing great, it's everyone around me who is Weirder. I used to work as a store manager at a local convenient store for 8 years, so I got to know a lot of people. This gentleman came in and we were always friendly. Saw him twice a day for 8 years. We talked about life, our families his wife, my husband, you know just stuff. He was always friendly in a nice person kind of way. Anyway, I saw him in the store and he tried to pick me up. Made me sad. He treated me so different. I liked being his friend not someone he wanted to, well you know. I just told him I was still quite happily married and just left the store.

What's up with that?

[Butterthebean 8,146]

.......Of course, I am scared to death to regain. I just don't want to go back there ever again. But I know I'm human, and I still crave that sugar blended with fat!! .....

You should read the book "The End Of Overeating." It talks about how food companies have done research and found that there is a certain ratio of sugar, salt and fat, that when blended together in any recipe, will make people physically crave that food more and make them eat even when they are not hungry. It's a biochemical reaction, not a lack of self control, and the food companies are designing their foods to take advantage of this....from processed foods to restaurants...all of them. So yes, any foods with those 3 ingredients will push your will power. And if you look, all "yummy" processed foods have those 3 in abundance.

BTW....it's not an evil plot by the food companies and restaurants. It's just what they've found that sells.

[Aussiegirl 580]

I love this forum..

The emotional side of the transformation is the hardest.

I saw a girl I have been working with for 10 years for the first time in a year (she has been on maternity leave) and she was actually in tears seeing me. She has seen the pictures on Facebook and the like but hadnt actually seen me.

I dont think I ever really had any concept of how big I was, until I see pictures. Same as now I dont see how small I have become.

My journey has been well document, one of my friends even made a video/documentary of the changes. Everyone seems to find me inspirational. I struggle to feel that about myself. I felt like it was a necessity for my life, I wanted to be happier.

While I struggle to understand the skinny me, the fat me hoped that being skinny would solve all my problems. I struggle with that, as it doesnt. I am the same person just in a more socially acceptable body. I used my weight to hide who I was, it was my excuse cause I was scared to let people see the real me.

Now I dont have that shield around me and it is hard to letpeople see me, the real me.

I thought it would be easier to attract the opposite sex, seriously I thought I would be in a relationship by now, but nope, it is probably easier to have a random hook up but to find someone real just aint that easy apparently no matter what size you are...Letting someone love me is the last step in my journey...

[clk 3,519]

I thought it would be easier to attract the opposite sex, seriously I thought I would be in a relationship by now, but nope, it is probably easier to have a random hook up but to find someone real just aint that easy apparently no matter what size you are...Letting someone love me is the last step in my journey...

YES. I'm not looking for a relationship but I have had to learn how to let people in. I spent years insulating myself with my fat and my bad attitude and now that I haven't got the fat and no longer feel the attitude I'm having to learn how to interact with people. For a year or so there, I was truly socially inept. I just...don't do friendships or closeness well. I've only got one person I let in, and I married him! So I understand this and it's been a challenge for me, if in a different way.

I have a fabulous friend that had the sleeve less than half a year ago and she felt the same way you do. I keep telling her that this is not about anyone else loving her. It's about her loving herself. Once she finally decides that she's enough, I truly believe she'll start attracting the "right" element, instead of the sleazy guys that just want to hook up.

Best of luck to you. I have seen my single friends struggle with finding relationships. It is NOT easy out there to find the right person. I know my circumstances are different, but I truly feel that we don't see the right person until we STOP looking so hard.

~Cheri

[clk 3,519]

As for the emotional side, the biggest thing I had to do was confront my baggage.

I thought that losing the weight would make me insta-happy. Surely my lack of confidence, my anger, my unhappiness were all tied up in the obesity I'd been battling since fourteen.

Once I got close to goal I really had to reevaluate that idea. Because I still wasn't happy. I wasn't overeating or using food as a crutch - I'd shaken most of those habits. But I still felt angry. I still wasn't happy. I couldn't figure out what was going on.

And then I started to really think about why I was obese in the first place. And it all led back to hurts from my upbringing and bad relationships with family members. For the first time I confronted my parents on the truly miserable and rotten job they did. I'm not exaggerating here or being melodramatic. Plenty of kids grow up thinking they could do things better or differently than their parents. But mine were truly awful. No kid should know the names of the state DCFS investigators and social workers by name and sight, but they visited our house more often than my grandparents.

I was able to really get through to my mom and it was huge. We're never going to be the absolute best of friends but we've come a really long way and are pretty close now. I had to eliminate the toxic relationships. I had not realized how much having certain people in my life was damaging me. But it was! And I was angry and resentful without really even realizing that I was the one in control - I could very easily choose to simply walk away from those relationships.

So I did. I don't speak to entire branches of my messed up family tree anymore. And that's fine. It's actually really, really liberating.

For me, a lot of what I had to shake was the anger - I had to either forgive people or forget them entirely. And I had to forgive myself and accept that I deserved to be happy despite mistakes in my own past and despite the fact that people had been tearing me down my entire life.

I am not perfect. We all carry around things from our past. I still struggle sometimes but I really feel like the bigger part of the journey (and I say this all the time) is finding out what makes us obese in the first place. Because in my case, I had a lot of issues that I was burying under food.

I'm very different now. I like the changes in myself. I'm happy and can't really remember a time in my life before this when I ever just accepted myself for who I am, faults and all.

I'm also more friendly (though it took a while to learn this) and affectionate. I don't feel shame - not of my body, not of my past - and I think that really helps me.

Anyway. I think this is the real thing people should focus on. For some people, this is just a way to shed fifty pounds. But for so many more I think it's a way to shed years and years of bad feelings, bad habits and bad experiences. I think that without overcoming these obstacles, I might not have been able to maintain. Being unhappy all the time probably would have made it easier to fall into those old emotional eating patterns.

~Cheri

[desertmom 297]

Hi

6 weeks after I had my sleeve I found out some stuff about my past that could and previously would have made me crawl back into my own world with my best friend food as my only constant companion.My whole perception of my life as I thought I knew it was changed in one conversation.Moving to a far away place where no one knew me and pretending I was an orphan with no family seemed like a good option to me...lol.

I couldnt turn to food for comfort for the first time ever.It has been a heck of a learning curve and a looong road to take the positives in each day,let the past be the past as I couldnt change a thing about it,and deal with my feelings.Forgiveness has new meaning to me now and my life has never been better.

Accepting that I might always need a "smaller" life than others seems ok to me now.God graciously granted me a life in which I can function well.I might never be able to do "big" things but I am happier being the mom,the taxi,the comfort to my family.I am content with where I am at today.I have learnt that I dont need to make excuses for my life.I need to live with an abundance of joy every day.

I struggle with how different people treat me though.The same people that ignored me for years now want to make friends with me and I am just not there yet.I am friendly but still cannot understand this.I struggle with the attention and I am shyer than I was before.A lot quieter too.

Life is about change and I do plan to overcome more of my stuff.But I suppose it is a process.

For now,all is well with my soul!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I too have thought about the people treating us differently.

Okay, complete strangers/men - well that is to be expected. I decide to take the glances and occasional "approach" as a huge compliment. Maybe they are only interested in hooking up, I don't care since I am not doing anything or seeing them, but I choose to view that attention as positive is all I am saying. Hell, that is what I wanted for years, to not be freaking invisible and I am NOT!

People that I have known.... well, I look at it from a positive angle too. I can see that i often used sarcasm, my physical size, intellect and logic all sorts of barriers to being loving to me. I often acted reserved and "proper" whereas now I just throw my arms around someone to give them a hug. I just do less and less of that pushing away.... no wonder people are "friendlier" to me - I am friendlier to them!

Very large/overweight people ARE less approachable. It is sort of like a person who is outside the norm of anything (dwarf, giant, in a wheelchair, etc etc) there is something a little awkward about just daily interactions. Most people aren't intentionally mean (in my opinion) but they don't find a 300+ pound woman relatable. There is also the fact that everything from well fitting clothing to being able to physically keep up makes it harder to do alot of cool social things. I again chose to see the positive of just how many people accepted/loved/respected me just as I was. The fact that they are so much more huggy, and seem to invite me to the inner circle more I chalk up to ME being different - not just skinnier but different.

I realize there are mean people and I realize that many have judged me, but frankly i can't change how anyone else thinks/feels but I can impact how I choose to experience it and feel about it.

[desertmom 297]

Well,good for you.Each one of us have to figure out for ourselves why we are treated differently now.

As for me,I dont think I would have had as many friends as I do if I was not approachable before (hey,Im a longterm expat,our friends are our family) and I still feel like me,a little more reserved now as I dont like the attention too much.I kind of feel been there,done that with these people.We have been in the same social circle for 10 years and I find it hard to now all of a sudden think we have something in common other than we are all thin!I dont like or dislike them,they are just aquantances because they chose to be that.It does make me very,very uncomfortable when they are the ones (that hardly ever said more than hallo to me) to now loudly say stuff like:oooo,you've lost so much weight,what is your secret? Or ooo,you look so good,my name is Carin,what is yours again?Come on,I still have the same name that hasnt changed and if you cannot remember it after so long,why would you now?See,I wasnt sarcastic or anything like that before but these thought certainly enter my mind now.I smile,say my name,say if I tell its not a secret anymore...and as far as Im concerned a coffee morning seems quite unnecessary as we've said what we needed to already.What would we talk about,my secret?

Having said all this,I have noticed some of my obese friends dont phone as often as before and when we do go out they are the ones that always starts talking about their weight and the reasons why they are still struggling.One actually said she couldnt have this surgery as she needed to have a long life for her CP child.I did think say what? at that point but I never,ever talk about my weight loss or weight with them,ever.It made me feel worse about myself when my friends that lost weight would start telling me what to do or how great life was,I just have to try again ect ect.

This does make me see how defensive overweight people can sometimes be,and for good reasons I think.

Ugg,This is a sticky issue but not one Im losing sleep over...lol.You cannot choose your family,but you sure can shoose your friends!

[Butterthebean 8,146]

This thread really reminds me of the one big issue I'm having at home. My wife has been great through all of this, she's been my biggest cheerleader. She's always been a healthy eater and physically fit person. She's run a marathon, and has continued to eat right and exercise as long as I've known her, and despite my weight going up and down. But like most people, she would love to lose 20 pounds. 20 pounds that I can't help but feel partially responsible for since she put those pounds on while I was putting on 100+ pounds and eating everything in sight and refusing to exercise. All the while she made many attempts to lovingly encourage me to eat better and exercise, but I never took the hint.....until I made up my mind to have surgery.

Well, now I've had it and the weight is coming off, and I've turned my eating around 180 degrees. And even though my wife exercises with me everyday and eats pretty much just like I eat, she cannot lose a pound. And every time I Celebrate another 10 pounds lost or another shirt size dropped, it just reminds her of her inability to lose any weight and makes her feel bad about herself. I've done everything I know to tell her how healthy she is and how she's doing all the right things, but it doesn't matter. I've basically had to quit celebrating those little victories because I don't want her to feel bad. I wish I could help her but I don't know what else to do. I don't give her advice cause she doesn't need it. She knows what to do and does all the right things, but her weight won't budge and it's making her miserable. And seeing me lose so easily just makes it worse.

[CBT 450]

This thread really reminds me of the one big issue I'm having at home. My wife has been great through all of this' date=' she's been my biggest cheerleader. She's always been a healthy eater and physically fit person. She's run a marathon, and has continued to eat right and exercise as long as I've known her, and despite my weight going up and down. But like most people, she would love to lose 20 pounds. 20 pounds that I can't help but feel partially responsible for since she put those pounds on while I was putting on 100+ pounds and eating everything in sight and refusing to exercise. All the while she made many attempts to lovingly encourage me to eat better and exercise, but I never took the hint.....until I made up my mind to have surgery.

Well, now I've had it and the weight is coming off, and I've turned my eating around 180 degrees. And even though my wife exercises with me everyday and eats pretty much just like I eat, she cannot lose a pound. And every time I Celebrate another 10 pounds lost or another shirt size dropped, it just reminds her of her inability to lose any weight and makes her feel bad about herself. I've done everything I know to tell her how healthy she is and how she's doing all the right things, but it doesn't matter. I've basically had to quit celebrating those little victories because I don't want her to feel bad. I wish I could help her but I don't know what else to do. I don't give her advice cause she doesn't need it. She knows what to do and does all the right things, but her weight won't budge and it's making her miserable. And seeing me lose so easily just makes it worse.[/quote']

She might very well benefit from meeting a couple times with an endocrinologist who specializes in weight loss. Mine really helps me understand what MY body requires. S/he also can offer supplement and/or medication if her metabolism is low. I supplement with a moderate dose of L Carnatine because my body likes to eat my muscle over my fat. That small change has boosted my ability to build muscle mass and increased my metabolism. (I do lift weights every other day).

Don't stop celebrating. Problems are solutions waiting to happen

[Butterthebean 8,146]

She might very well benefit from meeting a couple times with an endocrinologist who specializes in weight loss. Mine really helps me understand what MY body requires. S/he also can offer supplement and/or medication if her metabolism is low. I supplement with a moderate dose of L Carnatine because my body likes to eat my muscle over my fat. That small change has boosted my ability to build muscle mass and increased my metabolism. (I do lift weights every other day).

Don't stop celebrating. Problems are solutions waiting to happen

That's a good tip about the L-carnatine. I will look into that. As for her going to a doctor about weight loss related issues....not going to happen. I think to her, like many people, it's like admitting there is a problem. And I don't know how to suggest it without her thinking that I think she has a weight problem....which I don't. Anyone who runs, bicycles, lifts weights and eats healthy all the time like she does is at a healthy weight, as far as I'm concerned. But because she used to be lighter, she's not happy with her weight. Never mind the fact that she is a PHD who works with MDs all day long so she doesn't have the highest opinion of MDs. Visiting them is something she only does when absolutely necessary.