Young Daughters

[Best of British 16]

I have a 12 year old beautiful daughter but she has started skipping lunch at school. I don't eat as much at the dinner table like I used to,but she obviously sees that I eat a fraction of what I used to, we all still sit down together. I'm wondering if I'm having a negative affect on her? She is not over weight at all, she does not know I had the surgery but I was wondering how mums cope with daughters who have food issues? How can you tell your child that she needs to eat to be healthy but you can't do that yourself? I may be worrying about nothing but I kind of feel like I'm sending out the wrong message.

[clk 3,519]

I think it's important to confront it directly. I have four stepdaughters (13, 15, 19 & 22) and one daughter (5) and can say very honestly, first of all, do not blame yourself. I've been through this struggle over and over again through the years with these girls, long before I ever even considered surgery.

It's very sad and unfortunate, but the first time my youngest stepdaughters told me they were fat they were seven and nine years old. Girls are mean, girls compare with each other and girls mimic what they hear their older sisters, mothers and favorite celebrities say. So this could have come from anywhere. And let me add that not one of my girls has a weight problem. My daughter is a little stockier but not overweight, and every one of my stepdaughters has a thin build and they're all undersized for their ages.

That said, address it immediately. When living with us recently between high school and college, my stepdaughter (18 at the time) immediately started rationing herself to my portion of food. I had to very directly confront her on the topic. I addressed her smaller portions. I told her about my surgery and what it does. And then I did her one better. I asked her to log her food with me on myfitnesspal so she could see how much she should be eating and how much she was eating, and asked her to compare it with my food chart.

She was restricting herself to about 400 calories a day. And despite the fact that my meals appeared tiny, I was consuming closer to 1,200 calories a day.

We talked about health, our bodies and the detrimental effects of this type of behavior. In her case, I can't honestly say that it helped. She has a host of other issues and one of the ways she tries to stay in control is through controlling her diet. She's seriously underweight right now and struggling with anorexia. We noticed the first indications she might have a problem when she was only 15 and I really wish we had realized how serious it could become and had addressed it directly.

A few months later the 13 & 15 year old girls came to visit and the SAME thing happened again. I'll say that they'd already built in habits of skipping meals or overindulging one day only to fast the next day. It's unfortunate that their mother has a history of dieting and negative self image - these girls grew up criticizing their own bodies and the bodies of the girls around them, and seeing mostly poor examples of how to eat.

This time, I think I was really able to get through to the kids. I pointed out consistency in a good diet vs. the ups and downs they were using. I showed them how to track calories and really be aware of what they were eating. By the end of the seven week visit, they'd stopped skipping meals, stopped overindulging at meals and were eating more reasonably while not saying anything critical about themselves or their bodies.

In my case, I can only do so much. They don't live with me and my example comes from short visits - the rest of the year they're 8,000 miles away.

I hope that you can sort this with your daughter. I can honestly say that I started hating my body when I was twelve. By no means was I overweight. One cruel girl made an offhand comment about how I looked pregnant, when if anything, I was underweight. It didn't matter - it triggered self doubt because I already lacked confidence, the next eighteen years of my life were spent yo-yo dieting. As I got bigger and bigger and developed worse and worse habits I got to the point where weight simply wouldn't come off and I was diabetic from my poor eating over the years.

With my five year old, we do not talk about body size as anything other than an identifier - no more positive or negative than saying someone has blonde hair or brown eyes. She's a stockier build than her brother, but we're trying to do what little we can to show her that beauty really does come in all shapes and sizes, and that being healthy is the most important thing she can do.

In any case, I finally had to tell my older girls that I'd had surgery. They couldn't understand why I eat the way I eat otherwise. My five year old has no clue but if it comes up I'll address it. I'd rather tell her I had an operation than have her feeling like I'm hypocritical when I tell her she should eat normally! It's hard enough getting a teen girl to listen to her mother and I don't want her to dismiss me immediately if she hears me saying something that seems contrary to what she's observing.

Good luck, sorry to ramble.

~Cheri

[JerseyGirl68 1,172]

I think it's important to confront it directly. I have four stepdaughters (13, 15, 19 & 22) and one daughter (5) and can say very honestly, first of all, do not blame yourself. I've been through this struggle over and over again through the years with these girls, long before I ever even considered surgery.

It's very sad and unfortunate, but the first time my youngest stepdaughters told me they were fat they were seven and nine years old. Girls are mean, girls compare with each other and girls mimic what they hear their older sisters, mothers and favorite celebrities say. So this could have come from anywhere. And let me add that not one of my girls has a weight problem. My daughter is a little stockier but not overweight, and every one of my stepdaughters has a thin build and they're all undersized for their ages.

That said, address it immediately. When living with us recently between high school and college, my stepdaughter (18 at the time) immediately started rationing herself to my portion of food. I had to very directly confront her on the topic. I addressed her smaller portions. I told her about my surgery and what it does. And then I did her one better. I asked her to log her food with me on myfitnesspal so she could see how much she should be eating and how much she was eating, and asked her to compare it with my food chart.

She was restricting herself to about 400 calories a day. And despite the fact that my meals appeared tiny, I was consuming closer to 1,200 calories a day.

We talked about health, our bodies and the detrimental effects of this type of behavior. In her case, I can't honestly say that it helped. She has a host of other issues and one of the ways she tries to stay in control is through controlling her diet. She's seriously underweight right now and struggling with anorexia. We noticed the first indications she might have a problem when she was only 15 and I really wish we had realized how serious it could become and had addressed it directly.

A few months later the 13 & 15 year old girls came to visit and the SAME thing happened again. I'll say that they'd already built in habits of skipping meals or overindulging one day only to fast the next day. It's unfortunate that their mother has a history of dieting and negative self image - these girls grew up criticizing their own bodies and the bodies of the girls around them, and seeing mostly poor examples of how to eat.

This time, I think I was really able to get through to the kids. I pointed out consistency in a good diet vs. the ups and downs they were using. I showed them how to track calories and really be aware of what they were eating. By the end of the seven week visit, they'd stopped skipping meals, stopped overindulging at meals and were eating more reasonably while not saying anything critical about themselves or their bodies.

In my case, I can only do so much. They don't live with me and my example comes from short visits - the rest of the year they're 8,000 miles away.

I hope that you can sort this with your daughter. I can honestly say that I started hating my body when I was twelve. By no means was I overweight. One cruel girl made an offhand comment about how I looked pregnant, when if anything, I was underweight. It didn't matter - it triggered self doubt because I already lacked confidence, the next eighteen years of my life were spent yo-yo dieting. As I got bigger and bigger and developed worse and worse habits I got to the point where weight simply wouldn't come off and I was diabetic from my poor eating over the years.

With my five year old, we do not talk about body size as anything other than an identifier - no more positive or negative than saying someone has blonde hair or brown eyes. She's a stockier build than her brother, but we're trying to do what little we can to show her that beauty really does come in all shapes and sizes, and that being healthy is the most important thing she can do.

In any case, I finally had to tell my older girls that I'd had surgery. They couldn't understand why I eat the way I eat otherwise. My five year old has no clue but if it comes up I'll address it. I'd rather tell her I had an operation than have her feeling like I'm hypocritical when I tell her she should eat normally! It's hard enough getting a teen girl to listen to her mother and I don't want her to dismiss me immediately if she hears me saying something that seems contrary to what she's observing.

Good luck, sorry to ramble.

~Cheri

Fantastic post, Cheri.

[2013sleevegirl 126]

Really great post Cheri.