Frustrated with people who just don't get it!

[lilbearzmom 584]

In my case, its my husband. He LOVES fried food. We have a deep fat fryer that just sits on the kitchen counter. Even before surgery, I wasn't much into deep fried things. Now. post-surgery. I am really kind of afraid of certain things, like deep fried food, rice, things high in sugar, etc., for fear of 1) how it may make me feel (want to die); and 2) IT'S BAD FOR ME and not in accordance with how I would like to live my life from here on out.

He won't let up on how I should go ahead and eat fried food if I want to, and rice is OK and I should have California rolls once in awhile, or chunks of white bread with butter, blah blah blah. It's like, maybe I CAN eat it, but I don't want to!!! Ugh. I don't feel like I have explained it well enough, but he just doesn't seem to get that along with my stomach, I have changed.

Here's another example: I had my surgery 12/17, so I had to sit there and watch my family eat a big turkey dinner with all the trimmings. I had a Protein shake. Hubby insists that as soon as I'm on a regular diet, he's going to make another big turkey dinner with all of the trimmings so I can have some. HELLO, 1) I'm going to eat the turkey and vegetables ONLY; 2) I am only going to be able to eat a few bites. So what the hell is the point? I have tried telling him NO, but he literally gets mad. SO, he may make it (I hope he just forgets about it), and then I won't eat it...would serve him right I guess.

Sorry for the rant! LOL

On a postive note, I am 4 weeks out today and tomorrow I can start a regular diet with a few exceptions! Whooppeee!

-Kendra

Starting: 302

SW (12/17): 272

This morning (in a stall): 248.8

[vogue 310]

your husband may be well intentioned... trying to make you feel "normal" ASAP... explain to him that you are in for a LONG journey not a quick sprint to normalcy...

FWIW, Im more than 4 months out and those dense Proteins like roasted turkey & chicken still dont sit well with me... your DH may be forewarned that he may be the object of your projectile vomiting if he doesnt stop trying to force food on you...

all things in due time

[TheGamer 406]

It sounds to me like he either misunderstands the nature of your surgery, isn't supportive, or is trying to sabotage your success. I'm lucky to be around supportive (at least to my face!) people. They skip my cubicle when sweets are brought in, if I'm in a group and they offer something I can't have, they apologize, and when we go out for lunch, we go to places that I can easily get a meal from. It would be really difficult for me to deal with sabotage at work, so having it at home would be a real nightmare. Have you tried to have a sit down talk with your husband? It sounds like for some reason he's just not working in your best interests and might be scared that he's losing (not just physically ) you.

[lilbearzmom 584]

FWIW, Im more than 4 months out and those dense Proteins like roasted turkey & chicken still dont sit well with me... your DH may be forewarned that he may be the object of your projectile vomiting if he doesnt stop trying to force food on you...

all things in due time

Funny you should mention that- when I was cleared for soft foods I tried to eat some turkey cold cuts with a little honey mustard and I felt SO ILL afterward. Very few things up until then made me feel like crap, but that did it.

[lilbearzmom 584]

It sounds to me like he either misunderstands the nature of your surgery, isn't supportive, or is trying to sabotage your success. I'm lucky to be around supportive (at least to my face!) people. They skip my cubicle when sweets are brought in, if I'm in a group and they offer something I can't have, they apologize, and when we go out for lunch, we go to places that I can easily get a meal from. It would be really difficult for me to deal with sabotage at work, so having it at home would be a real nightmare. Have you tried to have a sit down talk with your husband? It sounds like for some reason he's just not working in your best interests and might be scared that he's losing (not just physically ) you.

I have thought of that- that he is subconsiously trying to sabotage me. I know I've got to be on my guard with that.

[clk 3,519]

I'll be a different voice here. I think that while your husband may not understand where you're coming from, he's trying to help you keep a more normal approach. There could be a number of issues here.

One, he may not want to be alone in his enjoyment of food now that you're sleeved. food was likely part of a ritual you shared as a couple and he doesn't want to lose that, simply because you lose weight. But two, he also may have seen you do all-or-nothing diets in the past and wind up failing, not to mention being angry or resentful because of what foods you're avoiding.

Right now, the goal is to build healthy eating habits. But the way to successfully maintain long term is a balance of your approach and his. It means enjoying the food and yes, the social rituals we build around it, without losing control, feeling guilt or going overboard.

You're a ways from it yet, but there will come a point where you SHOULD be incorporating a more normal diet. You'll need the energy, you'll function better with more (quality) carbs and you'll need to learn moderation so you don't fall on your face once you hit goal. You'll likely also find that you feel a better sense of control around food when you do incorporate a more balanced diet - not feeling deprived helps you avoid the binge and graze behavior that most likely helped contribute to your obesity.

So - try to be more understanding of him while also trying to help him understand that your sleeve is not temporary. This is a big change for us, yes, but we underwent it and have new limitations that almost force us into compliance (at least early on) while he really cannot understand how big a change this is for you without undergoing it himself.

Good luck!

~Cheri

[kyllfalcon 768]

I doubt he means harm. My husband has been so supportive and understands my life style change, and has embraced it for himself. However, he is still able to eat normal portions, where I am not. Whenever I allow him to cut my piece or get my serving, it is always far more than I can eat. I am certain there is no sabotage, just failure to understand.

[SoCalDixieGal 172]

I gotta agree with the last few posts. Only you had the surgery but you're both going to be adjusting. For years you both enjoyed big meals together. In some senses you both enabled each other to overeat. That relationship has just been dramatically changed.

I wonder a lot about how relationships change when both people in that relationship are overweight and only one of them loses a significant amount of weight. It has to be a big impact. It's likely that as you lose weight he's going to go through many phases of anger, jealousy, and may feel that you won't love him when you're thin and he's still overweight.

food is such a part of relationships, celebrations, culture and has been defined as "love" for so many. He's probably thinking that you missed out on that dinner so he's showing his love by recreating it for you.

The advice Cheri gave about eating in the long term is great and I hope to incorporate the same approach. Definitely not in the recovery period, but in the long term it's really great advice.

Best of luck to you both!

[VACookey 111]

Cheri, excellent post.

[SerendipityHappens 1,594]

He may just not understand that "all the trimmings" is just not the healthiest option for you. My boyfriend is really trying to be supportive.. He'd never bring me chips or sweets to eat.. but he always offers me rice or things that he views as healthy. He just can't wrap his head around the fact that I can live on so little (I'm preop, but sustaining on 800 calories a day)

[amytug 996]

Oh that's kindof sad..

1. It sounds like he's trying way too hard to love you with food.. Perhaps you can check out the book "the 5 love languages," and the 2 of you can learn how each-other like to be loved.. The basics are on the website- you can probably find it with a quick google search... This way, he can learn NEW ways to love you.

2. I'd throw the deep fryer out. Both of you need to be eating healthier. I'm not saying that he has to go on a diet but I'd say that that thing is NOT coming in my home. Or put it in the garage and tell him he can make and eat his poison out there.

3. butter on white bread? really? Him saying "you can have just a litle bit" is just like a junkie telling his recovering friend that he can have "just one bump." know what I mean? Or "just one shot." It angers me that he's doing this.

4. My husband and a lot on this board are insecure with their fat selves, and are scared/nervous that we will get skinny and leave them. I can see how this might be true for your husband and how he might be wanting to sabotage your efforts in order to keep you a lil chunky... UNACCEPTABLE. if you love me, you'll want me healthy and strong and able to live a long life...

5. junk food is not allowed in our house.. period.. this is for me, our kids and my husband.. we need him.. if he wants to eat junk, fine, do it in the truck before you get home, but do NOT do it here. I will not cook junk for my family. they are not garbage disposals....

6. may I recommend counceling for the 2 of you? i can see this becoming a BIG issue in your marriage if he's actually getting ANGRY that you wont eat.

[hepktty 30]

Maybe your husband is just afraid and doesn't know how to handle it? Like the other's have said I don't think he means harm he just doesn't know how to proceed. And I don't know if sitting him down and talking or let him maybe see this site and all the responses to food and what they do to each person maybe the trick. You know him best, try different ways for him to understand.