Parent/Teenager Poll

[CLOE 0]

:cry I need some advice. I won't get into too much detail but here goes. I have a beautiful, smart, 17 yr old teen daughter. She is in grade 12 and works part time. Up until about 4-5 months ago she was going to attend university and eventualy be a teacher. About 7 months ago she started dating a 21 yr old, who hasnt graduated, has a record, and lives on his own. He does however work, and seems to treat her fairly well.....The problem. She now skips school quite a bit, isn't studying, passing her classes but not trying, since buying a vechicle only comes home when we tell her she must. Now she is saying she may or may not go to university now, and anytime we give her tightened restrictions she just rebells and says she's been asked to move with her boyfriend and she's gonna leave. So I need advice !!

[CLOE 0]

P.S. I hate teenagers!!!:frusty:

[piercedqt78 658]

Have the bf arrested for helping her skip school. There are truancy laws in most states and if he is caught with a minor that is supposed to be in school he can get in serious trouble. Call the local police and ask for local policy. Talk to him and let him know your intentions, I am sure that will cool things off pretty quickly. ~Mandy

[j_war06 0]

No that is ridiculous ^ I just graduated last year. She thinks she's in love, trust me, but in reality if she is to move off to another town, not even very far away, and goto college she will become more mature than to act the way she is now. If you can bear with it, and make an agreement with her that she moves and goes to college for at least one year, not in the same town as her bf, I promise you will see change

[Lisa99 1]

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter, I know how distressing it can be for a parent to watch potential derail.

We had a similar situation with our son. Wonderful grades, +1300 on his SAT then in his senior year decided he wanted to be a musician. Thankfully he finished high school but just barely. We tried the "you must do as we say route", he said no thanks and left home.

He's now 24 and is a struggling musician, but he manages a music shop and teaches guitar. He found his way and is happy and centered. We still worry since he doesn't make much money and never will, but money isn't important to him, doing what he loves is what is important.

I know sharing my story won't lessen the pain of what you're feeling right now, but I hope that it gives a little glimpse into a family who has been there before.

Take care,

Lisa

[piercedqt78 658]

If she isn't attending school now where attendance is taken everyday, what makes you think she will mature and attend class when noone cares if you are there or not? I had a sister that pulled this crap and my parents tried to work with her, she ended up pregnant and dropped out of school. She now has multiple kids, no job and no hope for a secure future. I would hate to see a deadbeat guy ruin such a good kid. What does a 21 year old see in a 17 year old anyway? I think he is after one thing. ~Mandy

[j_war06 0]

I just know that I moved off to college and realized how stupid I was to be serious in highschool, and how immature I was back then. College, living on my own, made me grow up so fast, I dont want to mess with anyone like this guy she is discussing, while in highschool I would have. I see it happening with all my friends, they have been away from their bf/gf for a couple months, with little contact, they are all breaking up and being happy. BTW, you dont have to go to class to pass, just know what you are doing

[leatha_g 4]

Does she pay for her own transportation? Do you give her additional money etc?

Give her a choice. She can follow the path she is taking, without your assistance - car/money/credit cards/clothing or ,she can follow the original plan and you will continue to assist her. Let her know you will love her either choice she makes.

[TamifromAL 1]

No that is ridiculous ^ I just graduated last year. She thinks she's in love, trust me, but in reality if she is to move off to another town, not even very far away, and goto college she will become more mature than to act the way she is now. If you can bear with it, and make an agreement with her that she moves and goes to college for at least one year, not in the same town as her bf, I promise you will see change

I agree with Jodie. Instead of getting confrontational with your daughter, make the time she is at home pleasant. Make it a place she wants to be. Invite the boyfriend over. Understand that this is someone special to her, and for that reason alone, he is worth getting to know. Then, maybe you can enlist *his* help. He's probably already feeling the sting of not having an education. If she agrees to at least finish high school and go to a local college, she'll be so much better off than where she's headed now. But, she needs you to not only set some reasonable limits, but to also be her cheerleader during this difficult time of transition.

Good luck,

Tami

[amom 0]

When my daughter was 18 still in high school, she got pregnant. she finished high school with a 4.0. she then started college, works part time and is a wonderful mother to my grand daughter. She is very centered on what she wants out of life. I was there for my kids when they hit the bumps in the road but I also let them know what I was feeling when they took a wrong turn. After talking with my daughter we think if you put to many rules down at this age (she will soon be 18) your daughter will just leave and you may not see her again, I'm sure you don't want that. I know I'd be lost without my children in my life. Try talking with the bf he might just understand where you are coming from. Promise yourself not to get mad and yell it will just fall on deaf ears. Talk with them as adults. Most likely your daughter will get her fill and realize that she wants more from life and when she does be there for her and try not to judge. I can't say she wont do the opposite but after having 17 foster kids in our home and raising 3 of my own. We had plenty of bumps to go over, I proud to say none of my 20 kids have ever been in jail or been hooked on drugs. I guess my point is not everyone will turn out the way Mandy's sister did.

[Carlene 12]

Cloe....

I haven't voted. I don't know which is the "right" course of action, even though I speak from experience.

My only daughter was a perfect child until she was about 15. Then aliens came in the night and stole my perfect child, leaving a horrible clone in her place. At least, that's how I felt....it happened that quickly.

She went from Ms Preppy (if it doesn't have the right label, it shall not touch MY body) to slouchy, grungy, ugly, and unattractive (if that's a style). From "nice" boys to thugs. And her attitude was so bad, there were neighbor children I liked better. I swear, if I am ever called to be a juror in a child abuse case and the "victim" is a 15 year old girl, I'm likely to vote for acquittal.

So...being a good parent, I took my whole family off to counseling. My sons did not want to go, but I insisted. "If your sister has a problem", I said, "we ALL have a problem."

We did group therapy, individual therapy, family therapy, and in-patient therapy. We listened to other parents, and other kids. Some had it worse than us....some had it better. One counselor told us to let her do whatever she wanted. Natural consequences, she said. That's the best way. If she wants to quit school, let her. If she wants to get married, sign the papers for her. After some consideration, I decided this woman was NUTS. "How many children do you have?", I asked her. The answer was "none" but, she had been counseling adolescents for 12 years, she said. I had to wonder how many of them were either dead or in jail.

We tried tough love. We screwed her windows shut and locked her in her room each night. Finally, we stood by and let her move in with a girlfriend (we kept her car, however, since it was in my name). We refused to give her money. I cried myself to sleep every night. It was soooooo hard. I didn't know if my child was hungry, or cold, or sick. She got a traffic ticket in someone else's car and didn't pay it. A warrant was issued for her arrest and she was picked up. We didn't bail her out.

Finally, she called and asked if she could come back home. We said of course, as long as we have an agreement regarding rules, etc. I learned the fine art of compromise from my daughter. We insisted that she attend school regularly and make decent grades. We would pay for her car insurance, clothes, etc but she would have to work and earn her own spending money. If she wasn't home at dinner time, she could fix herself something to eat or take her happy butt to McDonald's - with her own $$$. She would do her own laundry and keep her room, if not clean, at least within health dept code. There would still be a curfew - 11 PM on school nights and 1 AM on weekends. No smoking in my house. No booze in her car (again, because it was in my name), and no drugs - period. She could choose her own friends, including boyfriends. The boys she dated had to meet us, though. And we had to know their full names. I thought that was just a reasonable precaution.

She graduated high school with a decent GPA. She followed the rules pretty well and I actually thought we were out of the woods, the older she got. Unfortunately, she married one of those "bad boys" and it's been a train wreck ever since. They are still married, but separated twice. He has been arrested twice for assaulting her and is currently serving 2 years probation/community service. He decided to quit his job and work "for himself". Problem was, he didn't want to get out of bed and get started before noon. Their kids never knew from one day to the next if they would have food, Water, heat, lights, etc when they came home from school. They finally lost their house. But they're back together....yipee (NOT). She doesn't understand why I won't allow him anywhere near me or my house. I had a protective order issued to keep him away from here, and from the school where his oldest child attends (she lives with me). That wasn't a popular move, but I don't care.

As for my daughter....she is 34 years old and making her own choices. She cleans houses and her husband has another job (it's a requirement of his probation). She lives in a crappy little rent house that had no AC all summer. I have stopped crying myself to sleep every night, but I still feel like it sometimes.

The moral of this story is no matter how hard you try, in the end, it all comes down to the choices they make for themselves.

The best advice I can give you is this:

Don't beat yourself up. Your daughter is old enough to know right from wrong.

Don't try and save her from herself. It won't work.

Don't burn any bridges. She may come to her senses someday.

Pick your battles, because you can't win them all.

If you can compromise, I highly recommend it.

[piercedqt78 658]

I'm not saying that they all turn out like my sister. I simply gave one real life instance. But you have to wonder what a 17 year old and a 21 year old have in common. Just seems like a bad situation to me. ~Mandy

[CLOE 0]

Oh my goodness, thanx for the response. Yes we know, the first thing my husband and I said was 'what is a 21 yr old doing with a 17 year old'!!! We actually went nuts at first, banned her from seeing him, ya right, like that works!! Then we decided to be real nice, let him in and get to know him. Anyway, he's alright I guess, very immature, drives us nuts, but I don't think he'd hurt anyone, at least a girl anyway. She saved her money and bought a car, she got her own insurance, and aside from school books, basic clothes, haircuts, that kinda stuff, she pays for stuff on her own. She gets no actual cash from us. But if she isn't working at school at her full potential at this point, then she's wasting everyones time. She has a younger brother and a sister and she is demanding all our time right now, how is that fair?

Oh, and the university she was planning on attending was here here in our city, so she wasn't actually going to move away, so I don't know how that could work now.

[j_war06 0]

Im 19, and have many older friends. I have had "relationships" if you want to call it that with guys that are 23, 25, 26, 24 and so on...But I know my responsibilities to myself and to others, and therefore use reasonal judgement on my actions, I dont let it get in the way of school. But ofcourse I live on my own, and am out of that rebelious stage in life, which I never went through. I was a homebody in high school, so I never really did any of this, but my friends did, and I see what happens. Help her make decisions and be a friend, but advise her as a parent if that makes sense? Be both, try to like this guy, maybe he can help out, but most likely he will not, unless he is super special. Let her experiment and see the consequences, but if it gets bad, lay down a few rules, but not too harsh, you dont want her to think you are JUST doing it because you may not like her BF, but rather because you are concerned for her future and her education, which should be true.

[terrriho 0]

Smother them in kindness, ask him over for dinner, find out what he likes and treat him (basketball/football games). Find ways to spend time with him, establish a relationship and really act like you care about him. Perhaps, she may become confused and wonder why she liked him in the first place.

Terri