Hating Myself & Afraid Less than 6 Weeks Out...Long Post...Needing Support

[rsmont77 101]

Just hang in there and remember each day is a new opportunity to have a fresh start. I am 4 weeks out and have just started solid foods. I am at 600 cal per day, no more than 40 g of carbs, and 70-90 grams of Protein a day. Getting it all in is a challenge but I try my best each day.

Good luck on the yoga class, if you enjoy it you will stick with it longer. We are all here to support you.

[change4life2012 50]

I haven't posted in awhile because I have been so disappointed in myself & my journey so far. I have seen other people post about struggling & have seen a lot of people criticize them. I don't need that right now as I am already hating myself. I thought that I was prepared for this journey, but the reality has hit me hard. I had a large part of my stomach removed & I am never getting it back. I will never be able to eat the way I used to again. This should be a good thing, right? The first couple of weeks were the easy part. I went down 31 lbs. in the first 2 weeks & that is exactly where I have stayed. I am still 381 today. This is not a stall. I did have a stall during week 3 where I was completely on plan, but not losing anything. I actually gained. Then the small amount I gained came off & I haven't moved at all now for 2 weeks. This is completely my fault. I haven't been exercising. I haven't started my Vitamins. I don't get in all my Water every day. I don't follow my nutritionists guidelines. So, I am obviously not expecting that I would have gone down anymore. I have read so much on this board about people not being able to tolerate foods, sliming or vomiting. I know that is difficult for those people & I am not wishing that I would be sick. It's just that I have been able to tolerate anything & everything that I have tried. My offices food guidelines are very strict & I have not kept to them. According to my nutritionist my diet should be Breakfast: 1 Protein shake, Lunch: 1 Protein Shake, dinner 3 oz. of Protein, 3 oz. of vegetable & 3 oz. of salad, snack (if needed) 1/2 a piece of fruit or 1% cottage cheese. Period. No drinking milk (not even in tea, coffee or protein shakes) though I am allowed cheese & yogurt & no carbs except what naturally occurs in the aforementioned dietary outline. I need to total 60-70 grams of protein a day, less than 20 grams of carbs per day & at least 64 oz. of Water per day along with my Vitamins & exercise. I do not know what is holding me back from following the program except my own mind maybe. I want to be able to treat myself. I want to enjoy my food. So, that is what I have been doing. I have been having flavored lattes multiple times per week over the past two weeks. Today I spent over 4 hours getting 10 chicken nuggets & a large mocha frappe into my stomach. I had nothing before & I know that I won't have anything until tomorrow. I have also been allowing myself 2 cigarettes a day. I am sharing all this for different reasons. One reason is there might be others going through the same thing & I want them to know that they are not alone. Another reason is that I need massive encouragement. Before anyone suggests professional help, I have already set that up. I am seeing my nutritionist again in 2 weeks instead of 4 because she knows that I am struggling. My surgeon's office also has a psychiatrist on staff that deals specifically with bariatric patients pre and post-op & I have set up an appointment with her. For years I have lost & regained the same 30 lbs. over & over again. I have not been below 380 in about 3 years now. I knew that getting sleeved wasn't going to "cure" my obesity. I just thought that I would have a longer period of time before I would be able to tolerate different foods & that I could resolve any other issues before then. I am feeling so sad & just beating up on myself. Yet, I keep giving myself a reason to beat up on myself every day. Every day this goes on the worse that I feel about myself. This should be incentive enough to stop, but I haven't. I have so many reasons to treat my body well and I am not. Has anyone else experienced anything similar to this or know anyone else who has? Do you see something that I don't? Any words of encouragement? Any hope for me?+31

FIrst thank you for being so honest! I have struggled off an on for the last month. I am three months out was scared to share my struggles. It seems like everyone is perfect and it made me feel like a failure. I haven't posted in a week or so and was tired of reading I lost 100 pounds in 4 months, etc.. Yes I have ate an entire box of crackers more than once. I have said it out loud! I know it wasn't good for me but I am trying my best to get back on track. You can too! It can be tough with the doctor's restrictions. My dietician said to follow 85-90% of it and give yourself a little break. She said if I am craving pizza for example have one small slice, because if I don't then I will end up binging on it.

I have made new routines for taking vitamins and drinking my water. I also start each day with a Protein Shake to jump start my protein count for the day. I struggle to get my required protein with food alone. It takes awhile to build new routines.

I think we have to realize that we have behaviors that we have to overcome and use the tool that we have to help achieve our goals. It is a process that we have to get through and can with support. I am here if you ever need to talk. You can do this!!

[NurseGrace 509]

DeeDee, I feel you.

But I guess what I want to say is that if you are down 30 pounds in two months ... you are not that far off the mark, maybe a but slow for someone your size but certainly not derailed. We all know that you are NOT going to have a ton of success eating fast good and lattes. I had to give up my sugar addition prior to surgery and I think this may be the root of your problem as well, you GOTTA get off that sugar. The lattes, the carby nuggets... they aren't helping you. And the funny thing is, if you can get off it for about 2 and a half weeks it starts to taste bad. I had some juice today for the first time in a long time after being off surgar and it was nearly too much.

You said you spent 4 hours getting down a meal... I would suggest that you limit the time you are eating. My surgeon says to limit myself to what I can eat in about 30 or 45 minutes. BECAUSE, as you know, if you take long enough you can eat just about anything. Set a timer, look at your phone, whatever you have to do, but limit that time. And whatever is not finished goes in the fridge for your next meal.

It's not to late to commit yourself to restarting this, anew, with better resolve and a better outlook. If your office guidelines are way out of bounds with what you consider reasonable by all means, do some research into other programs guidelines. I know my surgical team as my guidelines online over at www.laplose.com for anyone to download and look at. You might have to click around the site a bit but I think they are under the patient corner heading.

[JPSnAZ 33]

I read a book and still read it, its called

" Anatomy of a food addiction" and wow did it hit home!! There is some technical stuff in there that boggled my mine a bit but that book made me look at my problem differently and instead of hating myself I found a way to care about me and understand why I was doing what I was doing...

I will definitely have to check that book out! Anything that will help... the mental part of this journey is what scares me the most and Im scared that when I have my surgery I will have the exact same struggles as the OP.

[deedeemuffin 346]

DeeDee' date=' I feel you.

But I guess what I want to say is that if you are down 30 pounds in two months ... you are not that far off the mark, maybe a but slow for someone your size but certainly not derailed. We all know that you are NOT going to have a ton of success eating fast good and lattes. I had to give up my sugar addition prior to surgery and I think this may be the root of your problem as well, you GOTTA get off that sugar. The lattes, the carby nuggets... they aren't helping you. And the funny thing is, if you can get off it for about 2 and a half weeks it starts to taste bad. I had some juice today for the first time in a long time after being off surgar and it was nearly too much.

You said you spent 4 hours getting down a meal... I would suggest that you limit the time you are eating. My surgeon says to limit myself to what I can eat in about 30 or 45 minutes. BECAUSE, as you know, if you take long enough you can eat just about anything. Set a timer, look at your phone, whatever you have to do, but limit that time. And whatever is not finished goes in the fridge for your next meal.

It's not to late to commit yourself to restarting this, anew, with better resolve and a better outlook. If your office guidelines are way out of bounds with what you consider reasonable by all means, do some research into other programs guidelines. I know my surgical team as my guidelines online over at www.laplose.com for anyone to download and look at. You might have to click around the site a bit but I think they are under the patient corner heading.[/quote']

I actually just joined OA. So, I am hoping to utilize that as a tool to combat my unhealthy behavior.

[deedeemuffin 346]

I will definitely have to check that book out! Anything that will help... the mental part of this journey is what scares me the most and Im scared that when I have my surgery I will have the exact same struggles as the OP.

I actually started this book as well. I haven't finished it yet, but it already has been eye opening. I would strongly recommend it!

[pianomom 34]

I have the book, "Weight Loss Surgery Cookbook for Dummies", which I found on Amazon. In the front of the book, it has a LOT of information to help with each stage of the post-op diet. There are also a lot of recipes & tips and each one specifies which stage of the diet it is for. For Protein Shakes, I am using one cold Myoplex Lite (chocolate fudge flavor) per day, usually in the morning. The rest of my Protein is from the meals...3 meals per day and 1 snack before bedtime, usually 3/4 cup of Wheat Chex in fat-free milk. It is very important to sip Water all day long and get in those meals and snack so that you feel satisfied. Best wishes...this isn't easy but we knew it wouldn't be and it will be so worth it!