What a crappy weekend...(warning, long!)

Marie3181 · July 7, 2004

I just had to whine to somebody about my weekend and figured this was as good a place as any. My boyfriend of 3 years is working at a Lutheran camp in northern Michigan this summer (he's 21, I'm 23). I planned a big party for the 3rd because he'd be home for the weekend and that way he could see everybody. So Friday night (the 2nd), I talked to him while he was driving home and he said he had "some things he needed to talk to me about in person." Sure enough, when he got home, he told me we were "on different spiritual paths" and broke up with me. What?! Apparently I didn't even get a say in the matter. Forget the house we rent together, the dog we bought together, the fact that I make sure his bills are paid and pick up after him. I always assumed we would get married someday. We had, in fact, talked about it. I'm just in total shock. The worst part? I'm suffering from some hellacious bronchial infection and I had to spend Saturday putting on a happy face to the house full of people there to Celebrate with us. He was supposed to take care of me this weekend, damnitt! Now I'm hacking up a lung and I'm all alone.

I know I'm only 23 years old, but I'm terrified about the prospect of having to start from scratch and date again. Anybody have any tips on how to meet people? Not only potential boyfriends but just friends in general? I'm freaking out here, help!

donali · July 7, 2004

Oh, Marie!!! What a heartbreaking weekend, I am SO sorry!!!

First I would advise giving yourself a little time to adjust to your new status. But once you are emotionally ready, there are lots of possible ways to meet new people.

One of the best suggestions I've heard has been to join groups that do the things YOU have a personal interest in - even if you don't meet a partner, you're bound to make some friends that have something in common with you.

Another popular (these days) way is the online thing - Yahoo! personals has an overwhelming number of singles in every area. Check it out! There's also match.com and eharmony.com - I think there's a friends.com, too... I remember seeing something about a friend matching service.

Best of luck to you, and again, my heartfelt condolences during this sad time of change...

(((hugs)))

Marie3181 · July 7, 2004

Thank you so much, I knew I could count on the awesome people here for support!

I'm starting a "puppy socialization" class with my puppy dog next week, so I'm hoping to meet some nice people with nice doggies there.

It's just so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that the next time I see Andy, I won't be his girlfriend...

On the up side, I'm down to 240lbs (ok, so I think that last 5 lbs was due to being so sick I lost my appetite, but I'll take it where I can get it!). I finally feel like I'm at a good restriction and I've been trying my best to take a 20 minute walk with the dog every day. Maybe my "revenge" against Andy will be to finally get healthy instead of all the struggling I did with my weight while I was with him.

hagerteresa · July 7, 2004

Hi Marie,

I am sympathetic too. That totally sucks and I think I would probably have killed him and would be in jail by now. LOL... My husband and I lived together for almost 5 years before we got married (been married about 5 years now too) and like you we had lots of mutual financial obligations. We were 18 and 21 (I'm the older one) when we got together so trust me there were times that I was ready to pull my hair out. A couple of times (long ago) he wouldn't show up at home from work on time. I would of course start wondering and worrying and many hours later he would show up very drunk and having blown his entire weeks paycheck at the bar!!!! It would often ensue in a battle and he would leave and go stay at a friends house for a few days until he came whimpering home. I hated those days and was glad we finally grew out of them. Nothing is worse than suddenly feeling like you are stuck with all of the responsibility that you signed up for together. I am very sorry about your situation and hope you will be able to make ends meet.

On meeting guys: Like Donali said, wait till your ready. Then... I would try local things. Our church has a very big singles club and many many other social type events not neccesarily related to singles. Join a gym... Start hanging out with friends more. I met my husband because he was a friend of a friend. Our social circle just kept putting us together. We didn't even like each other much at first. At some point all that changed. Definitely find hobbies that you enjoy doing and you'll surely meet friends and maybe later ????

At least since you weren't married you won't have to go thru an ugly divorce and custody battle. Keep your chin up, Teresa

Alexandra · July 7, 2004

Oh, Marie, I'm so sorry!! What a crappy thing to do. I was once dumped by a guy for reasons of religion--I wasn't Catholic and since he'd never consider marrying someone who wasn't he saw no point in continuing to date. Of course he didn't mind breaking all the "rules" with me prior to dropping me like a hot potato! Charming. :rolleyes

You're so young, and you know that as hard as this is it was probably for the best. When I left my ex I was 30 and absolutely convinced I'd be single forever. I figured I might as well get on with finding fun things to do on my own, so I joined a local ski club -- not for the skiing, but I do play volleyball and they had a team.

Fast forward six months and I'm dating the coordinator of the volleyball program. Last month we celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.

I'm a big believer in serendipity. Go out and find your joy and he'll be there waiting for you!! :D

Marie3181 · July 7, 2004

Thanks, everybody for the words of encouragement!

Alexandra - that's exactly the kind of story I needed to hear! I'm so glad your bad experiences led you to the right man =)

Maybe someday I'll find a man to share responsibilities with instead of having to shoulder everything myself.

shellyj · July 7, 2004

i am sorry you had to go through such a rough weekend. and then to have a party and have to put on your happy face when you felt like crying.

i too think everything happens for a reason. your mr. right is still out there! you just have to find him!

every friday in out paper the nashville tennessean they have the 'weekender section' it has all kinds of events going on around town and even on the outskirts of town. i would see if you can find something like that and go to things that interest you and maybe you meet some new friends or even someone worth dating!

i hear lots of love stories from online dating too, i have never tried it though.

((((((hugs)))))))

Janie Jackson · July 7, 2004

HI marie, I TOO AM VERY SORRY. Tomorrow will be a better day.You have two really great things going for you . (1) You are very young. I am 53. Iwould loved to get controll of my eating at that early age. (2) You are going to be loosing weight which is allways wonderful. And also the great people on this board. I think Church grooups are a great place to meet friends and a future husband. Hang in there... janie

Penni60 · July 7, 2004

marie: I too had a jerk for not only a bf but later he became my husband and now my ex. SO thank you lucky stars that you did not get married. You found out now what type of person he was or is.

As to online dating? I placed an ad online through AOL. I received lots of jerk responses. Then I forgot about the ad for about a month. I received this email from someone and I thought he sounded interesting. Well long story short we Celebrate out 6th anniversary of living together this November. It can happen.

Keep your chin up. Give yourself time to heal. Give yourself time to grieve as well.

You are a strong woman and can handle what life throws at you with grace.

sascijo · July 7, 2004

You know honey, that was just a bullshit line to tell you so he could break up and do whatever he wants to. I'm sorry, but that is probably true. It hurts like everything and nothing is going to make it better until a little time has gone by. I wish it could be different. But until you are better, stay on the computer and talk a lot, there is always someone to chat with. You could try going to the show with a girlfriend, or play nintendo, or walk in your neighborhood. Maybe there is a hunk somewhere wishing you were broke up with Andy. You never know!!! Walk around the mall and look at the stores, maybe some of the friends you invited know someone you could just hang out with and maybe go to dinner with. I wouldn't let the door hit me in the butt.... Keep us posted. Once you appear strong, and doing well without him, he will take a second look and think, "man what did I let go of?", Hopefully you won't look back. I want to encourage you to be tuff, be strong, be agressive with "your life, and what you want" Even if you are quaking inside. Don't let him know it. The worst thing I ever did, was to beg someone not to leave me.... I cried and acted a fool, I begged and begged... He left anyway... He MARRIED the town you know what.... She became Mrs. HW Rose, which was something in our town, and she had been "doing" everyone in town until then. Then she suddenly got a status and it was as if everyone just forgot what she did. If I could change anything, I would change the way I seemed to lose my self esteem. He was everything, (at that time)or so I thought. But now, I realize, I let myself down. I didn't have to have a man to survive... I just couldn't see the forest for the trees if you know what I mean. You are young and it won't be long until you are in the swing again. But until then, find something occupying, paint, do crafts, work outside, chat online, KEEP BUSY... and keep us posted.

best of luck to you

Terry Evans

sassaay · July 7, 2004

Hi Marie,

It looks like these lovely ladies have given you a world of great advise. I just wanted to say that I feel for you and breaking up is never easy. Time is all that will heal with pain in your heart and just as the others have said... Take some time to be with yourself and to realize that you can be happy without a man. Once you realize that you can make it on your own, you will also realize that you don't have to settle on the first man that shows you some attention. You can be picky and still end up with the winning hand!

Take care and I hope you are feeling better real soon.

Marie3181 · July 8, 2004

You are all so wonderful! I can't thank you enough. I am thankful that I found out how he really felt before we got married. I know I'll feel better with some time and space. Maybe tonight I'll find the blanket I started crocheting forever ago and work on that!

New Hope · July 8, 2004

Marie, I'd stick with the dog. He'll be more loyal.

texasbelle · July 8, 2004

Marie I am so sorry for your situation. Not feeling well tends to

magnifys your misery as well.

Give yourself time to recoup. I think that is important. After you recover from your trama and get back on your feet emotionally; I would try www.eharmony.com. I have hear really good things about it.

I meet my husband at my sisters wedding. I recommend attending every wedding you can. It worked for me.

Carolyn