Boundaries with Parents

[NurseGrace 509]

I am a 24 year old married female. I am about to have the sleeve and all is well for the most part. My husband is not 100 on board with me, but I do not require 100% support from people around me, but the real problem I am having is with my parents, particularly my mother.

She has had wild mood swings for as long as I can remember and she really walks the line of being intrusive all through my life, from small things like telling me my friends were bad people to large things like not giving my teenage self any privacy in terms of basic things like knocking on the door before she walks into my room.

I don't wish to give the wrong impression because my mom is my mom and I love her regardless but I can feel my relationship with her being strained. ESPECIALLY when it comes to weight loss surgery. She swings back and forth from begging me not to do it to acting like she is on board and supportive. The giving and the taking of the support out from under me is crushing me spiritually. Not only that but she will then dictate to me how much I should weigh or what my goal weight should be and when and how I should be exercising. I know she is not trying to do this but she is manipulating me emotionally and I have no idea how to handle it. I'm honestly considering just not mentioning it and doing it anyway but that feels like a betrayal to my mother (and I know she will play it up like that) and it also feels wrong because I am still on her insurance plan as well so its not like she wont see the expense.

Does anyone have any experience with this? How should I move forward? Are their magical words I can say to get the point across that she needs to back off me without hurting her feelings? I feel like her emotional hostage, and I resent that but I truly believe she has no idea she does this to people.

[MOMW 71]

Dealing with others can be really hard, especially preop, when you don't have all the answers either. Out of love many are scared that you are making a drastic nonreversable change to your body. I chose to tell only my immediate family before hand. Parents and most people just do understand. They also tend to watch over you and watch every thing you do. The best thing you can do is let your mother read the information presented by your bariatric center on their website. It gives enough medical information so they feel more comfortable about what will be happening. Listen to your mother, but just let her know that you need to listen to what your bariatric center suggests as far as food, weight, exercise, etc. They know you the best for that information, and they are experienced. I am certain that you bariatric team, would gladly talk to her if you wish. I personally wish I stil had a mother that would have been there for me. Mine passed away prior to my surgery and is why I had my surgery, as her death was indirectly related to her own obesity.

After surgery as people started noticing, I gladly share the information. They have an easier time understanding when they can see the results.

As far as your own sanity and thoughts, talk to your bariatric team psycholiogist. They can help with your confustion.

Ultimately this is a gift for yourself and your family. Be proud of your decision and make the most of it.

[juny 93]

You may need to pull back a bit from her until your surgery. I have a similar mom problem but because of financial constraints while I attempt this wls thing, I'm living at home...and i'm 30.... yay me....If she has questions I answer them. She is not supportive and I know I'm on own for the surgery. It's hard because we're very close in other ways so we've just picked that one thing out, set it aside and continue as if it's not there.

This works for us. It might work for you. As an adult you are able to decide what part of your mom you want to have a relationship with and if they can't live w/ it, you see them less until they get the picture that a certain type of conversation will not be entertained. I always make it clear I love her but it's simply not her choice and any conversation to the contrary is not tolerated. It is not easy but until you have boundaries for your mom that she respects you're always going to have this problem.

It's not picking a fight and it's not being mean. I think that Cesar Milan says it all the time, you're not being mean when you're setting boundaries, you're just telling them how you want to be treated. You want to have this manipulation for the next 30 years or deal with it when you have kids? Didn't think so. You may have to have uncomfortable moments for the both of you but in the end it will work out and the sooner the better to resolve it. I know exactly how hard it is to not get sucked into that little drama bubble....Good luck.

[NurseGrace 509]

Thanks Juny. Honestly this problem with us runs deeper than just the surgery but I think you are right about pulling back for a while. I have to go down there this weekend but I can pick and choose conversations carefully enough and I have gotten more skilled at shutting down conversations I don't care to entertain but if she picks up on it if I'm abrupt about it then its even worse.

[juny 93]

I think you'll be ok, I know it's hard and I totally agree shutting down certain conversation takes finesse i seriously don't have. Most of the time after a confrontation of sorts I always wonder to myself why didn't I just tell them to stop....I mean we say a million things hoping they get the idea that we don't like what they're saying. But we never tell them to just shut up....you know, nicely

I'm working on getting better at it too.

[Jbrewer2933 15]

Grace,

I had the exact same issue my sister, husband, and mom all begged me not to have the surgery. They all insisted they would help me with diet and exercise, it was to late at this point. My mom tried to tell me all these horror stories and kept telling me I was being selfish putting my life at risk as a mother with a husband and son. I had done enough research to know my hypertension, high cholesterol, pre-diabetes, and 90 pounds over weight were way more of a risk than having surgery with less than 1 percent mortality rate and could eliminate all my health issues. My sister even had a former college friend call and tell me how she lost 100 pounds by exercising 3 hours a day 4 day a week with a personal trainer, and only eating 1200 calories. I congratulated her and gave her well wishes and ended the conversation knowing I was still going to get the surgery.

Listen there are always going to be people that are much heavier than you, and there are going to be people who are much lighter than you, in the end YOU have to do what is right for you. I was sleeved on 12/10, I have had a really hard time with no family support. The first week was the hardest and I am now getting better and regaining strength. I went to my first visit today and lost 17 pounds in 10 days. I have had hard times but no regrets. This website has been all the support I need. Hope that helps.